Fight It or Just Flow With It

We spent yesterday fighting the rain. We rearranged the schedule, attempting to keep as many activities normal as was possible. In between programming, we rushed from building to building, covering our heads and complaining about wet feet. Our rain coats were no match for the downpour and everyone was damp, miserable and going stir crazy from being inside all day.

Activity period 2 was ending and I was listening to several kids complain about being stuck inside while attempting to rearrange period 3. Except that period 3 activities were swimming, archery, sports, fishing and drama. Which meant that approximately 70 of the 80 kids were supposed to be outside and pretty much everyone at camp was going to need to be re-programmed.

I felt a moment of utter desperation, defeat and briefly considered running and hiding. And then I felt something give in. At first I thought maybe the storm had pushed me over the edge and broke my spirit. But then I felt peaceful and realized that I wasn't going to fight anymore because it was a losing battle.

I put a few staff in charge of killing 10 minutes with songs, grabbed S & A and ran to the Welcome Center to make some high speed plans. 7 minutes later, S and I rushed back in to make the announcement, while A headed up to the dining hall to work on part 2.

"Are you bummed about the rain?!?" I asked.

Moans and groans from the crowd (campers AND staff)

I look at S with excitement (I am an amazing actress) and say, "we were too until we realized what the rain means! I've been at camp ans S has been here even longer and this has only happened a few times". I'm practically whispering, kids and staff are captivated, totally unsure of where I'm going with this, literally leaning in to hear what I'm saying.

"It is one of the oldest and most exciting traditions of this camp, but it only happens every few years." I'm totally making this up on the spot as I go...

"The Camp rain dance is one of the best and most privileged opportunities campers have. And when we realized it was rainy enough to do today, well, you can understand why we are so excited..." S looks ready to burst with excitement (she's also awesome at acting) and takes over the directions.

"I've been here a LONG time, but I've never been allowed to lead this, so today is extra special for me. So here's what you are going to do..."

At this point, she tells the kids that we are going out in the rain and to take off their shoes. If they didn't want to get wet, they could stay inside. But everyone else was going to get soaking wet, as wet as possible (otherwise it wouldn't be the correct way of doing it) and go through the ceremony.

77 campers and 18 staff crammed into a tiny room in the main lodge began tearing off shoes and talking wildly. In the 7 minutes of planning S and I had put into this "tradition" when we'd gotten to the part where we take them all outside, we couldn't think of anything, so we agreed we'd just improvise.

And so S ran to the field with a line of campers and staff following her. She threw her hands in the air, jumped, skilled, clapped, leaped, twirled and the whole line of people followed her lead. The rain was gushing, even my shower doesn't pour out that much water pressure. Everyone was instantly soaked, but it was a warm rain and no one seemed to mind. After a few laps around the field, we made a big circle and danced, cheered, bounced around and opened our mouths to drink as much rain as we could.

I talk about the magic of camp all the time. Every day is fun- kids are hilarious, staff creative, there's always something spontaneous and surprising. But there are moments when the power of that magic nearly knocks me over. I looked around at 100 people, kids and staff all blended into one group, every single person wrapped into the moment, soaking wet, arms up as they danced and screamed and bounced and laughed, their faces glowing with joy and the happiness just bursting out of them.

I was sick of planning activities and too tired to come up with anything else so in 7 minutes, concocted a story that, by the end, even the oldest campers were agreeing that they'd heard of the tradition and knew what we were talking about. From that we created an energy that took over in just a few seconds. It enveloped every single one of us and in that moment, we had an experience that was powerful and memorable.

Once everyone was completely drenched, but before anyone could get cold, whinny or struck by the lightening that was beginning, we led everyone inside where A was waiting with hot chocolate. We put on a staff show, complete with comedy improv, skits and stories that lasted until dinner. By the time dinner rolled around, I knew we'd made it. Everything else for the night was organized and planned (and indoors). Another successful day of camp.......

Sick Dog, Rainy Day, Kill Me Now...

In the past, I have claimed that even the worst day of camp is an AMAZING day by comparison to a non-camp day. I've claimed I would do this job even if I won the lottery and never had to work again or if they stopped paying me and I had to volunteer. Yeah, I love camp, but today I am having a difficult time having those same warm feelings. I keep imagining running away and never thinking about the woods again.

Griffin is sick again. He started vomiting on Sunday (always Sundays, never a day when my vet is open for phone calls) but seemed to get better throughout the day. Monday I called the vet first thing in the morning and left a message asking for more antibiotics, and then spent the day waiting as Griffin got worse and worse. By the time the vet called me back at 7pm, I had kicked into puppy crisis mode, using a plastic syringe to force tiny bits of pedia-lyte into his mouth to prevent dehydration, begging him to stay strong. This morning, I woke up at 6 am to him vomiting all over my bed (becoming a more common occurrence than I would like) and I knew we were verging on a trip to the emergency vet.

Did I mention that also upon waking up, besides vomit, there was rain pouring in my window and thunder clapping outside? All I could think was, "this is going to be an interesting day." 80 kids, 20 staff, pouring rain, Program Director S was gone at a job interview, Assistant Program Director A has been having some issues with patience (in that she snaps everyone's head off) so I managed to re-arrange the schedule, encourage everyone, be upbeat, keep A from yelling at anyone and then rush off to the pharmacy in between severe downpours.

I spent the entire day expecting the rain to stop (we never have rain last the WHOLE day), revising the schedule every few hours, creating fun indoor programming for crabby staff and bummed out kids, all while running back to my house every hour to a dog that was not moving except to shiver, not opening his eyes, and who sounded like he was breathing through a sponge. Also, because it was pouring, Olivia hadn't had a ball all day and was screeching, throwing her body against the ground and going on and on as if she were being held hostage.

I knew Griffin was really sick when he refused to eat the tiny bit of cheese I'd wrapped his pill in. He hadn't kept any food down for two days but cheese is his favorite thing. He also refused lunchmeat, so I decided just to take advantage of his weakness, open up his jaw, put the pill in his mouth and put a little liquid in so he would swallow.

By 6pm, he still hadn't moved or eaten, but when I attempted to give him some hamburger and rice, he ate tiny bits out of my hand. So I spent nearly 30 minutes feeding him a pinch at a time. It was still raining and I was physically, emotionally and mentally drained. At dinner, I announced that we would swap the campfire and the dance party, so as I sat feeding my helpless little dog, I tried to mentally pump myself up to go dance with a bunch of wound up children, when all I really wanted to do was cuddle my dog and possibly burst into tears.

The dance was fine but by the end I felt nearly drugged I was so out of it. However, when I returned to the cabin, Griffin was up and walking around and he was starving. He ate two big bowls of burger and rice, drank some water, took his second dose of medication and I breathed a sigh of relief that we'd all made it through a very long, wet, stressful day.

Weekend

My best friend X came to visit camp last Wednesday and stayed until Saturday afternoon. She has come for a week the past two years, so she knows camp well and it was fun to show off the changes and hear her perspective on schedules, staff and other random things that came up.

On Friday, my brother and roommate H came up to camp and along with X, we all hung out, went out on the boat, went to the winery and relaxed. The majority of the staff had gone home or off camp for the weekend, so it was like a vacation without actually leaving.

My boyfriend was out of town this weekend, next weekend I have a staff in-service and so I won't see him for several weeks in a row. I haven't seen my mom for several weeks either. The combination of seeing X and the roomies and not seeing my bf and mom is making me homesick.

Also, my dog Griffin was sick again this weekend, several staff are having conflicts and I'm just exhausted. All of those things are making me want to curl up into a ball and sleep for a week. I don't know if I am ready for the second biggest week of the summer.

All of that said though, when the campers began arriving today, there were SEVERAL repeat campers who I knew by name and who recognized me. Several parents as well. It is so wonderful to finally have these relationships with families. I worked at the same day camp for 6 years and by the time I left, I had watched several kids grow up. I knew their families, siblings and it was so fun to welcome them each year, excited to see them and knowing they were excited to see me. It's taken a few years to build, but this week in particular I have felt that connection very strongly. It has been helping me stay motivated and excited, despite being exhausted!

ACA

The American Camping Association is an organization that many camps belong to. Being certified by the ACA means that a camp follows the safety and organizational standards they have laid out. Camps get re-certified every 3 years. There are 10 different categories (programming, site and food, human resources, operational management, etc), each of which have about 30 individual standards that camps must follow. During re-certification, camps must put together written documentation of policies and then pass a physical inspection where visitors come out and see camp in action.

We are being re-accredited this summer and I have been working on the paperwork since March. 3 years ago, we passed and the paperwork was flawless. Unfortunately it was mostly smoke and mirrors as none of the beautifully written policies were actually put into a handbook or used. Program Director S was here for that and she said, "oh, I remember that day very clearly. Everyone was running around, hanging up rule signs and making camp look like it matched all of the standards." I have no idea why they would go to the trouble of doing that but not actually implement anything, but I've spent 3 years cleaning up the mess, so I know that's the situation.

The visit went well. Standards are weighed differently and the visitors don't know what the point system is, nor can they officially tell you if you passed. So technically I won't know our score until September. However, we got ALL yeses, so I know that we got 100% and passed!

Even more importantly, I know that we didn't make anything up and we are running according to the standards. The visitors were complimentary of camp and I am very proud of the product we are putting out!

Homesickness- Step By Step

We have an epidemic on our hands this week and it is spreading, infecting kid after kid... HOMESICKNESS.

We are in week 6 and so far, we've only had a few cases. None have been serious enough to require a visit to my office or a phone call home. But today, I called 4 parents and have plans to call another first thing tomorrow morning. The kids are from several cabins, different ages, female and male, new campers and returners... there doesn't appear to be a pattern or any way of predicting who is going to get hit next.

I have a very well planned strategy that is nearly almost always successful in dealing with this situation. When I was a camper, I was SUPER homesick- should have been sent home because there was no hope for me- level homesick. So I can totally relate and I have a special place in my heart for these campers.

Step one- calm them down, make them stop crying by asking lots of questions about their activities, what they are excited for, their pets, anything. Olivia and Griffin are also helpful in the distraction phase of the plan.

Step two- set small goals to break their day and week into manageable parts. Almost always, homesick kids are exhausted, so usually their first goal is to go to the health center and sleep for at least and hour. They don't have to focus on anything else except that. They usually agree to do that, regardless of how hysterical or adamant they are about going home.

Step three- while they sleep, I call mom or dad. I explain the situation and let them know that while I don't usually encourage kids to speak with their parents (even happy kids can turn hysterical if they hear a parent's voice), I like to keep them involved. In my experience, a parent's greatest fear is that their kid is miserable in some way and no one is paying attention and that at the end of the week, they will find out their child has been tortured the whole time. So I am very clear with parents that no news is good news but they will hear from me right away if something is wrong.

Step four- coach the parents. Sometimes a nap and being distracted can make homesickness go away. But if it continues and the child is demanding to be sent home, a call to the parents can help. Calls can go one of two ways. If a parent says, "try it out, but if you hate it, I will come and get you" there is little hope for that child. The child will know they have an "out" and they will not even attempt to make it at camp. The other option is if the parent says, "we're proud of you, you can do this, if you make it, you can have a reward at the end of the week, and [most importantly] there's no way we are coming to get you". 99% of the time, the child will be HYSTERICAL on the phone, begging, crying, screaming that they miss their parents, feel like they will die at camp and saying things like, "if you loved me, you would save me" and then, once parents put their foot down, 5 minutes after hanging up the phone, will be totally fine, laughing and having fun. Once they realize they are stuck there, they make the best of the situation.

I tell parents the two options. I assure them that while it is difficult to hear their child so upset, it is the best option. I also let them know that I will continue to call them with updates and if the child doesn't improve, I will let them know.

Step five- after the nap or short activity the camper has made it through in step 2 hasn't worked at distracting them, I usually make a new goal. The goal today was that they had to go to their activities and not cry until noon. At noon, we would meet again and if they needed to, they could call their parents at that time.

Step six- if being active and engaged in activities still hasn't snapped them out of it, it's time to actually call home.

All 4 parents I spoke with today were receptive. They thanked me for my call and appreciated being informed and said that if I called back, they would be prepared to be firm. When I called later, they talked to their HYSTERICAL children following my advice, even though I'm sure it was difficult.

Step seven- success (usually). All four kids, 5 minutes after they sobbed, begged and told their parents they were never going to make it, went off to their activities, bouncing and laughing and as happy as any camper you've ever seen. I actually considered video taping them and emailing their parents so they could see the miraculous recovery. It almost always happens like that and yet, I am always slightly amazed.

Step eight- follow up. I always tell parents that if, after talking on the phone, their child doesn't improve, I will call back and we can figure out the next step, but otherwise, I will call in the morning to let them know everything is fine. No news is always good news.

If they can make it through one bad day of homesickness, they will be fine the rest of the week. They are only at camp until Friday, and it's already almost Tuesday, so hopefully we won't have any more issues with those four, and hopefully the epidemic will stop spreading!

How Old Am I Again?

This weekend my entire staff left camp (the majority of them went to a Christian music festival 3 hours away in Program Director S's hometown). Ordinarily I try not to leave camp, but since they were all gone, I figured it would be fine. I went home to hang out with the BF.

On Friday night, we went out to dinner and then went over to one of his friend's houses. I was EXHAUSTED after a full day of camp and a long drive. I wanted to be in bed at 8:30, not socializing, but I went anyway. We hung out, had a few drinks and chatted.

There were two main topics of conversation of the night- the first was how much they all hate their jobs and wish they could go back to college. They probably earn twice what I do and when they leave for the day, they are done. I envy that part of their lives, but I can't imagine going on, day after day, and not loving what you do. While they lamented how awful working was, I couldn't stop thinking that I would do my job for free and that, while socializing with all of them was fine, I actually wished I was back at camp (my job).

The second topic of conversation was about their weekend adventures. As I was sitting there listening, I couldn't help but wonder about the safety of the van load of 19 year olds I'd sent off earlier in the day. I was thinking about how I hoped the 17 acres of property and 25 buildings I am responsible for were all okay without anyone there to keep watch. I was thinking about the hundreds of tiny humans I am responsible for keeping alive each week.

This is my dream job and I am honored to be responsible for all of the aspects of camp that require my care and attention. But because it is my dream job and the most important part of my life, the pressure to make sure it is safe is immense. I don't have a boss. There is no one else who I can defer to when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I have a board of directors, but their attention comes and goes, depending on what's happening in their own lives. And really, none of them know much about camp, so they aren't usually a source for advice or support.

At 28, I never imagined I would have this much responsibility and listening to BF's friends talk about their lives, I couldn't help but feel incredibly old. While they were texting other friends to come out and party, I was texting my staff, making sure that they weren't out in severe weather. Because while my staff are legal adults, their safety this summer is my responsibility. I worry about them driving, whether they will make the right choices. I was worried about Counselor A who is taking medication for an allergic reaction; Counselor N who is stressed out about her sick Grandma; Counselor J who is deathly afraid of storms... the list goes on and on.

On Saturday, BF and I went to a fundraiser one of my brother's friends hosted at a local bar. I was planning on having a few drinks and then heading home. I'm not sure at what point a few beers turned into 4 shots of tequila (about 3 1/2 too many for a 130 pound girl) and MANY beers, but that's what happened. I don't drink often and getting completely crazy only happens once every few months.

When I woke up Sunday morning, I couldn't walk or even stand. I was dizzy, sick, still wearing the same dress from the night before, and I had vomit in my hair. When I arrived home from BF's house, I was carrying my shoes, hunched over in agony and, as best summed up by my brother, "a hot mess". I felt like a freshman in college who makes terrible choices and needs to grow up and learn to drink socially.

I had warned my staff several times that they had to be on time and READY for the 1pm meeting on Sunday. I reminded them to get some rest over the weekend so they would be ready for the week.

I had to leave my house no later than 10:30 to make it back to camp in time. I had hoped to leave earlier, stop at the bank, get back to camp early and set up for the meeting. Showering, getting dressed and loading 100 pounds of squirming bulldogs into the car required more effort and breaks than I have ever put into anything. I managed to drive away by 10:35, but I felt like I was going to DIE.

A half hour into the drive, I had to pull over to put my head down and will myself not to be sick. An hour into the drive, as I drove past the exit for my mom's house, I realized that I was so dizzy and shaky (lack of food and water) that I wasn't safe to be on the road. I detoured to her house where I collapsed on the couch. I managed to eat a piece of bread and drink some water and then took a 45 minute nap. I knew I wasn't going to make it to camp in time, but I also knew that I wasn't going to make it safely if I didn't stop.

I called S & A and let them know I was sick. "Food poisoning" from the night before. I was on my way, but the drive was going slowly and they would need to do the meeting without me. When I finally arrived at camp (2:30pm), everyone was so nice, felt bad for me, and of course urged me to take it easy. I felt guilty for lying to them, especially since they were SO supportive, but I wasn't about to let them know what I'd done.

I was completely disgusted with myself. I am WAY past making bad choices and letting them get in the way of my responsibilities. Everything ended well. Camp can run without me supervising every minute and every detail and my hangover eventually went away and I went back to healthy, happy camp director.

A weekend of feeling really old and then very young, I'm not sure what "normal" 28 year olds feel like, but it was a strange combination...

Mean Girls

Counselor J is hilarious, has a strong desire to succeed at this job, works hard and is wonderful with the youngest campers. She's a bit awkward, but most camp people are, so that's part of what makes her awesome.

Counselors rotate between age groups and switch co-counselors. It helps prevent burnout, gives them the chance to learn and try new things. But sometimes it leads to hysterical sobbing...

This week Counselor J is with the oldest group of girls. She and her "co" Counselor D have 7 girls, all 14-15 years old. They all go to school together and are "BFF". When they arrived at camp, I made all 7 of them change their clothes. I am usually pretty lenient, but I have underwear bigger than the shorts they were wearing! They all brought their hair product and eye liner. They are the stereotypical pretty, popular, mean girls.

Girls can be awful. And every adult woman, whether you were popular and confident or not at all, has had an experience with mean girls. Everyone has felt judged, not good enough, left out... As a 19 year old, Counselor J is not yet far enough removed from those negative experiences and I was worried for her on Sunday when she called off that list of girls.

She made it until last night at the campfire. But they were laughing at her, making fun of her, and being disrespectful. She came and asked me if I could talk to them about respect and I could see she was really upset. I brought everyone together and we had a good conversation. They didn't necessarily agree that they were doing anything wrong, but it was a good start. I sent them back to their cabin to get sweatshirts and kept both counselors to talk more.

As soon as the girls were out of sight, J burst into tears. She felt like they hated her, felt like a terrible counselor, felt like she didn't know how to work with them. "Those girls are the same type of girls who made my life hell in high school and I can't even look at them. I can't find anything good about them and I feel like I'm back there all over again. I just want to go home."

She was sobbing.

Counselor D and I calmed her down, talked about how 15 year olds judge people on their looks and this is a good chance for them to develop relationships where it isn't based on the superficial and maybe they will go back to school and be kinder. We talked about how there are no bad kids, and that, like we said in training, when kids misbehave, they are doing their job as kids. They are testing their limits, learning right from wrong and doing exactly what kids do. So behavior isn't an obstacle, but an opportunity for us to help them learn and grow. These girls are doing what 15 year old girls do. And so this is our opportunity to help them gain perspective.

She needs to develop a tougher skin, but it's difficult to do. We want to be adored by every kid we work with. But the truth is, sometimes you have to enforce rules or tell kids "no" and they don't like that. I've been told I'm no fun or downright evil more than once.

I gave her the following example to try to help her- I wear a fanny pack and a glittery cell phone holder (a wonderful gift from my bff!). I talk endlessly about safety and good choices. I make people change their clothes into more modest outfits. It's all part of my job. But in real life, I'm 28. I don't wear a fanny pack when I go out. I have short clothing and I don't monitor my friend's safety.

Some counselors love me, some hate me. It's okay either way. Because, while a lot of who I am in my personal life is the same as when I am here, the truth is, none of the staff really know me as a person. They know me as the director who is responsible for everything. So if you hate me, it's okay, because you hate Camp Director, not me as an individual. I'm doing my job to the best of my ability and you don't always have to like it or even agree with it.

We talk a lot in training about "counselor face" and staying focused on kids, regardless of how you are feeling. It's like at Disney World- you never see Mickey Mouse with his head off. That would take away the magic. At camp, yes, you bring yourself into your work as a counselor, but they should never see you without your counselor face. No, you aren't always going to be excited about archery, singing songs and corn dogs for lunch, but the kids don't need to know that.

So when they look at you and roll their eyes and tell you that you are lame- smile, nod, ignore it, repeat your request for them to get in line and know in your heart that regardless of what they think, you are doing your job, you are great and you don't need approval from 15 year olds.

She eventually stopped crying and went back to her group. This morning I checked in with her and things were going much better. I spoke with the girls in the afternoon and they told me that they like her and they are having fun. I'm hoping that's they last of the drama for the week!

New Eyes

The main building at camp is the bane of my existence. The kitchen and dining hall are upstairs and the lower level are the staff bathrooms, camper bathrooms and showers and a big open area that is "general purpose".

When I think of that building, I shudder. I feel apprehension and dread before I enter the building.

My first year of camp, the Director had not hired a cleaning crew in order to save money. Each night, 30-40 kids would go through each bathroom, brushing their teeth, and showering. By the last kids, the floor would be covered in mud, paper towels, clumps of hair, and piles of paper towels. I remember walking into the bathroom, girls refusing to shower because the stalls were so filthy. I would kneel down and scoop piles of mud and yuck out of the shower with my hands in order to make it possible for them to stand in it. I stayed up late, night after night, exhausted, but doing my best to sweep, pick up garbage, get it to a basic level of functioning. Each weekend, once the kids left, my staff and I would spend hours cleaning. It was miserable, and while they were good sports about it, exhausted 19 year olds cleaning for hours is the most awful thing I've ever been part of.

Every time I walked into that building the first year, I felt overwhelmed and crushed by the magnitude of the mess. No matter how much work I put into it, there was nothing I could do. Likewise, the kitchen was filthy, the whole dining hall smelled funny and the bathrooms upstairs were filthy. The whole building was a disaster. I was embarrassed, frustrated and I didn't know what to do.

Last year I had the volunteer work crew cleaning and they did a pretty decent job of keeping it clean. I still felt overwhelmed and frustrated by how much of a mess the building was, but it was slightly better.

This year I hired a woman to clean for 30 hours a week. She is magical. I have not witnessed her cleaning, but somehow she got the dark orange, iron stained showers to be white, gleaming white. And every time I walk into the bathroom, it smells refreshingly clean, like lemons and rain.

This morning, the county inspector came to camp to test the water. I had to walk him around camp to several different locations. When we walked into the lower level of the lodge, he said, "wow! this is such a cool place." I thanked him and then I had a nearly out of body experience.

When I walked in, I felt the same sinking feelings of dread and stress that I have felt for the past three years. But when he said that, all of a sudden it was as if I was looking at it for the first time. I looked at the "shoe zone" which is an area we have designated for kids to leave their shoes so as to avoid the mud created by dirty shoes + wet floors. We have big, brightly colored shoe outlines decorating the wall and cubbies to store their shoes. Off to the left of that is the "chill zone". Rows of book shelves filled with fun kids books and games, surrounded by bright pictures and signs. The area is marked off by a bright outline with colorful footprints, has a nice carpet for kids to sit on, bright bean bag chairs and big pillows and Christmas lights decorating the ceiling.

The lockers are decorated by bright signs with camper names, and everywhere you look is well swept, organized, neat and looks like an inviting place for kids to hang out. It took us three years, but it's a whole new place. As I looked around, I thought, "whoa! He's right, this place is awesome! Why do I still feel stressed out?" I think I have post traumatic stress disorder from my first summer at camp.

When we walked upstairs to the dining hall, the light way pouring through the skylights in such a way that the whole room was glowing. The big colorful prayer signs were bright and made the whole room colorful. It smelled like cookies and it was spotless and clean. My cook this year is also magical and the kitchen is the most spotless, organized place I have ever seen.

As we walked through the building, I was in awe and it was like the first time I'd ever been there. This camp is becoming the camp I have dreamed about and believed it could be. I feel very proud and very hopeful for the future to come.

Real Job

When I started working at camp 11 years ago it was mostly because I would be able to work on my tan, but also because kids are cute and hanging out with a bunch of them seemed like an easy job. Singing songs, playing games, swimming... none of that seemed like a "real job" and thus, it was the perfect summer plan.

What they don't tell you is that managing a group of children requires an immense amount of organizational skills, the ability to multi-task, pay close attention to detail, maintain professionalism at all times (despite utter exhaustion), think on your feet, be flexible... the list could go on for pages and pages. Yes, there are lots of silly songs and fun games, but working at camp is the best place to learn real life skills that are applicable to any job that you go on to have.

As we begin our 4th week of campers (5th week being at camp), staff are realizing that this isn't just a summer of fun in the sun, but rather the ultimate lesson in professionalism.

If, for instance, you are an 18 year old junior counselor and you tell the 50 year old Health Director what's on your mind, complete with the "talk to the hand" and hair flip/walk away move, you will get a 10pm sit down with the Director for a discussion on communication and also a lesson on hierarchy.

If, for instance, you turn in your weekly paperwork and it is not done correctly, the Program Director will hand it back and expect it to be re-done... it doesn't matter that it's break time.

If, for instance, you request to lead a different activity than what is scheduled, because you "don't wanna do that activity" you will learn that, "thank you for sharing your feelings on this subject but you have to do what is scheduled" is code for, "suck it up and do what I say because I was working on schedules until 11pm last night and I don't care what activities you like- you aren't a camper."

There are times when I want to shake my staff, but mostly, I hope that this summer helps them grow professionally and prepare for a future career. And so this week is mid summer staff reviews. At the end of last week I handed out forms they had to fill out. I filled out the same forms and throughout the week, I will meet with each staff member and go over what we've both written. It is a great opportunity to check in, affirm their strengths and give them direction on what to improve. It is also good because it gives them a list of "real world" skills that they can use on a resume to explain their experience at camp. Also, this is the first time many of them have been through a review so it is good experience.

Despite my repeatedly telling them it would be painless and a good experience, the buzz around camp is that some people are desperately nervous. The second meeting I had today began with Counselor B bursting into tears, telling me she had been on the phone with her mom earlier in the week, crying because she was so nervous for this review. She is a very strong counselor and had a great review, but she'd had some previous bad boss experiences and is thus absolutely terrified of me. My hope for her this summer is that her confidence will grow and she will stop cowering whenever I walk by.

Ranting

I'm a pretty awesome boss. I'm super encouraging, give constant positive feedback. I push my staff to be creative, let their light shine, focus on their strengths. I genuinely care about their personal development and put a great deal of effort into professional guidance, as well as providing emotional support.

And despite the fact that sometimes I'm exhausted and don't want to deal with them, or I think they are being whinny, annoying or out of touch with the reality of what it means to be an employee, I am always very kind, patient and professional.

In exchange for being a rockin' boss, I expect that they are all going to do what they are supposed to do and limit the number of really dumb things they do to a minimum. And when they don't, I call my best friend X to vent and then take to my blog to rip them apart (completely anonymously of course).

Scene- 8:30pm. I'm on the way to supervise nighttime stuff.

Counselor K- "Can I talk to you about the July 31 in-service? I have a wedding that day and can't go."

me- "It's mandatory. What time is the wedding?"

K- "I'd need to leave the night before."

me- "Sorry, not possible."

The look on his face was something I would expect if I had personally insulted his grandmother or possibly made an inappropriate comment about kittens.

Operation Purple is a program that we have been accepted to for the second summer in a row. I realized recently that the money we take in from being part of the program is literally 1/5 of our operating budget. It is a SIGNIFICANT program- as in, saving this camp from closing, level of importance. Because of that, it is crucial that the week goes well. The activities, schedule, mission, everything is different. Also, because there are nearly twice the usual number of kids, it is important to prepare the staff for a high level of stress and exhaustion. The inservice is mandatory because I will be spending the day doing all of those things.

Before staff are hired, I mention that they need to be available for that week. If they are not, they don't get hired- it doesn't matter how wonderful they are.

When staff receive their new-hire paperwork packet, they receive a calendar of important dates, with that date clearly marked and also ***MANDATORY ALL STAFF IN SERVICE*** in bold.

At staff training, when we cover policies and handbook information, that date is covered in details. I also remind them a MILLION times to turn in their form with any dates they need off for the summer because, as I remind them, if they don't turn that in, they can't being it up later.

At the last mandatory all staff in service, we mentioned the July 31 date.

"I didn't know about it." -K

I have a pretty expressive face and sometimes lose control of it when I am surprised or annoyed, so I am sure that my face accurately conveyed, "like hell you didn't know." I patiently went over the list above, reminding him that I had mentioned it previously.

"I think it's unfair that Assistant Program Director A didn't have to come to the last mandatory in service." -K

LOL, do you think this is a democracy?!?! Fair?!? Um... okay...

What I actually said was, "She is a Lead Staff and helped plan that training, so it was okay for her to miss it. Lead Staff have different expectations and also different levels of responsibility. That is unrelated, so just worry about yourself. Also, that in service was mandatory, but not nearly as important as this one. This is non-negotiable.

"These are my best friends." -K

He's not actually in the wedding, and it wasn't important enough to mention earlier than 2 weeks before, but I'm sure it is important. I wanted to roll my eyes, but instead, I just stared back at his outraged face and said, "I don't know what to tell ya. In other jobs you have, you might have to work shifts that you don't want to. 'Requests' for time off are not always granted. I know you're bummed, I'm sorry. But you knew about this. I didn't hire anyone who couldn't work during that time. I like you, I want you here, but if I had known you couldn't work on that date, I wouldn't have hired you. You can't take that day off."

I'm pretty sure he thinks I'm evil.

I felt a little evil. I hate being a mean boss. But I put a lot of work into making sure they have all of the information up front and I make decisions based on facts, being consistent and fairness. So I'm not evil, he's just not doing what he's supposed to do.

I have a feeling I might hear from his mom later this week, I don't think this is quite over yet...

In Between

The BF was here this weekend. It was wonderful, he is wonderful. But it was difficult too.

I have 18 staff between the ages of 19-22 years old. They are filled with energy, angst, questions, ideas and overall are a needy bunch. Working at camp is a journey for them- they are away from their friends and families, working with kids 22 hours a day, having their patience tested, being challenged, and learning constantly. It's exhausting, exciting, overwhelming.

This job is life changing for them and I am honored to be part of that experience in their lives. Kids are the reason we are here, but the most meaningful part of my job is the effect that it has on the staff. Supporting them is the biggest responsibility I have throughout the summer. It is not just important for their own development, but it is also necessary for the good of camp to have them happy, healthy, energetic and focused.

From the moment I wake up in the morning, my front door is wide open. Every staff meeting, I remind them that if they need something, no matter what time of day, that they can come to me, even wake me up if necessary. And so they do. And I am happy to be here for them. I'm only 10 years older than them, but I feel very parental towards them. I want them to succeed and I feel great pride when they do. And so when they come to me to share their excitement and happiness, it makes me very happy.

The whole group went to the county fair on Friday night and when they returned, 6 excited, loud, happy 19 year olds showed up on my door, excited to tell me about the adventures from their night. BF and I were watching a movie and when their faces appeared in the window of the door, I paused the tv and waved them in. Talking all at once, interrupting each other, laughing, going on and on, I did my standard- smile, nod, listen and repeat, "awesome, I'm so glad you had fun." I know that BF had zero desire to hear them go on and on, and I appreciated his patience. But I felt so stressed out. I wanted to be present for my staff, but also considerate to my boyfriend. He understands that my job is 24/7 during the summer, but I know it's difficult for him too.

Early this morning, one of the counselors woke up with an allergic reaction to something. She wasn't sure what was wrong, but her body was covered in hives and her fingers were so swollen, the nurse eventually used a wire cutter to cut off her rings.

I had woken up early to let the dogs outside and then left the door open when I went back to bed. Nurse J came to my house (looking for a wire cutter and benedryl- the health center's was missing). She called for me, but I was deeply asleep and didn't hear her. She went to Program Director S instead who was able to find her everything she needed.

When I heard about all of that after the fact, I felt terrible- I should have been available. I worry that they didn't attempt to wake me because BF was visiting for the weekend and they didn't want to bother me. BF was encouraging- clearly they had taken care of it without needing me and everything was fine. But it is a difficult transition for me to not be involved in every detail of camp.

Jello!

We didn't have the jello fight on the schedule, it was a last minute idea from S & A. None of the staff or campers were expecting it. We decided that instead of just announcing it, we would have to make a production out of it.

Last night, after the kids went to sleep, we snuck into the kitchen and borrowed one of the 6 foot tall pan racks. We wrapped it in big paper and then cut up a cardboard box to make flaps on the top of it. We made an address label, giant stamp (with post mark), and then put cones around it to prevent curious campers from attempting to "open" the "box".

This morning, S & A got to breakfast first and made a big production of being surprised. They shouted and threw their hands in the air and demanded to know what was going on. "Where is Camp Director?!?!?" I was standing outside listening for my cue.

I marched in, yelling at the top of my lungs, "What is going on in here?! Why are they calling for me? Do you know what is going on? What's going on??" I was power walking in between tables, asking all of the campers what was going on. They were all pointing to the giant box in the corner. When I finally got to it, I started shouting again, "what is this??? Why is it here?!?!?"

S suggested I open it and so I climbed on the chair that was behind it and dramatically pulled open the two flaps on the top. I looked inside and then looked up at all of the campers, my eyes wide. "S! You have to see this!"

S climbed onto the chair, looked inside, eyes wide, she yelled for A to come and look. Once all three of us were wide eyed and excited, we jumped down and all three started pacing and talking at once. "We need to get rid of it! What should we do?!" The campers (and staff) stared at us, completely silent and intent.

"We've got to get rid of it!" -me

"We've got to get rid of it!" -S

"We've got to get rid of it!" -A

All three of us dramatically headed to our table to "discuss" what to do. The campers were literally hanging off their chairs, waiting to hear more.

At that point, I went back into normal camp director mode and said, "okay, let's stand for morning prayer."

We nearly had a riot as campers realized they weren't going to find out what was inside the box. I told them we had to think about it. Maybe we'd never know what to do... or maybe we'd know by lunch.

At lunch, I told them we hadn't figured it out yet, but maybe they could help.

Prior to lunch, we'd filled the top opening with some random things, and so as I stood in front of the kids, I said, "well, let's look at some of the stuff inside."

A pair of rain boots, an umbrella, goggles... silence from the crowd. They were interested, confused, waiting for something more.

I "reached" deep down, "all the way to the bottom" and "found" a bucket of jello! "This whole box is filled with jello!!! How will we ever get rid of all of it?!?!?!?"

Silence to deafening noise in a split second.

"JELLO FIGHT! JELLO FIGHT! JELLO FIGHT! JELLO FIGHT! JELLO FIGHT!"

I smiled and shrugged my shoulders as I walked through the dining hall, bucket of jello held high. "I guess it's the only thing we can do!"

The actual jello fight was pretty much the same as always. Fun, silly, sticky. When it was over, we marched everyone down to the lake to jump in and wash off. Annual jello fight complete.

"Scrambly"

I've been feeling really "scrambly" this summer. I asked Program Director S if she was feeling like we were running around, scrambling more than usual. She didn't think so. I was encouraged by that, but it didn't make me feel less scattered or anxious.

To be fair, the first week is always a little hectic. Staff are new and figuring out how everything works and we have new programming details to iron out. I made several changes to the schedule this year and on paper, everything was perfect. But when counselors led the activities, they found the flaws and we had to adjust. It was all minor and the new changes are a great improvement from last year, but I still felt a little out of sorts when we discovered the problems.

The second week of camp was worse because I was home for 4 days, alternating between hysterical crying over my dog and anxious pacing, stressing out over being away from camp. When I returned, I was happy to see everything was fine, but I felt totally "out of it" because I hadn't been present for anything.

Add to that my ongoing computer/internet/technological problems, which are so frustrating I want to scream. Also, I am relating more and more to senior citizens as I am left completely dumbfounded and unable to figure these crazy new-fangled things out.

This weekend was a nice break- we had both Saturday AND Sunday off because this week ahead is "sampler week" which is a shortened version of camp. But even with a break, I haven't been able to shake the feeling of needing to scramble around (even though I'm not sure to what I would be scrambling).

On Monday, I led a half day staff in-service. We went over activities and scheduling things they still had questions about. We talked about what was working and what wasn't. They did a really great team building exercise making videos around camp (a fun project for them and hopefully a useful tool for me in promotions). We also did several water safety drills, which always make me nervous because safety is so important. But they did very well and I was happy to see that they had improved since training.

I had packed more than I should have into the day, but everything went smoothly and we got through without going over the time limit. After training, I took S and A out to dinner for "lead staff" bonding. We went to the golf course (we've never been there) and while I generally think of this town as being a dirty little place filled with meth labs and poorly educated people lacking proper dental care, the restaurant was beautiful, had great food and it is possibly the first redeeming thing (besides camp) about this town.

And yet, I still feel agitated.

The week ahead is very low enrollment and many of the staff will be on "special projects" meaning that a long to do list of painting, cleaning, and random things we always mean to get to but don't, will be getting done. With fewer campers, I will have lots of time to sit in the office and answer long overdue emails, complete necessary paperwork that I've been avoiding and hopefully get myself mentally balanced. I desperately need to quiet my mind and find some contentment. Hopefully this is the week I can calm down...

Taking Care

The rest of the week went by with ease and I while part of me was sad to see the kids go home, I was also eager to close this week out and move forward.

After the end of the week staff meeting, I took the dogs to the beach to go swimming and cool down and then I spent several hours laying on my couch, soaking in the peace and quiet of healthy dogs, no one needing anything from me and an overall deserted camp.

Yesterday, my mom came to camp for a visit and brought me piles of all of my favorite snacks, made me an incredible steak dinner, brought treats for the babies, gossip magazines for me, cleaned my whole house, did my laundry and allowed me to relax completely. After a stressful and hectic week, it was the absolute best way to spend a Saturday. The weather has been hotter than I have ever experienced at camp, so we brought the dogs to the beach several times and also filled a kiddie pool for them in my front yard. I spend all summer taking care of my staff, the kids, and camp stuff, so having my mom come and take care of me is such a nice reprieve.

Today is Sunday, so ordinarily kids would be arriving, but it is 4th of July, so this year, we added "Sampler week", which is a shortened version of a regular week, so kids don't arrive until Tuesday. So today is a second day in a row of relaxing and doing nothing! Glorious!!!!

Back to Camp

After nearly 3 days of being away, last night, I finally made it back to camp. I had planned on being gone for less than 24 hours. I only had fancy underwear left in my drawers at home, had to go and buy more dog food, had to buy (and then return) a cell phone charger, and more than anything, I hadn't mentally prepared myself to miss half the week. Everyone was fine- staff stepped up and took on extra responsibilities, programming went well and camp was still standing when I returned, so I probably shouldn't have worried, but as the person who is directly responsible for every single aspect of camp, I get frantic at the thought of being gone for even a short period of time.

By the time I got back to camp at 8:45, I was completely exhausted. I was emotionally drained, sick of being in the car and just ready to collapse into bed. Olivia was bursting with energy, so I brought her and Griffin out to the field. He had been really groggy when I put him in the car after picking him up from surgery, so I was pleasantly surprised when he started running around too.

As I stood out there, a group of 5 staff who had their night off walked by. When they saw me and the dogs, they started bouncing around and ran over. It was wonderful and incredibly uplifting to see them get so excited. They filled me in on adventures from the week, told me stories about their campers, asked about Griffin (and had get well cards they'd crafted) and as we stood there, Griffin approached and attempted to hump Counselor J's leg. I felt complete, knowing everything was back to normal and life was going to be okay.

After they left, S, A and Nurse J walked down from putting the kids to sleep and all rushed up to me, faces bright. I felt so happy to be back and content, knowing that everything went well, but that I was still missed. Camp doesn't need me to survive, but it's nice to know that I'm important to a lot of people.

In the morning, I was at breakfast early and as I walked around to each table I was surprised at the reaction. I had only been at camp for a day before I left, so they really didn't know me well. I was nervous that they would act like, "who's this person taking charge all of a sudden [which is why I wasn't planning to lead anything, just mingle with kids and let S take the lead]?" But they were so excited to see me- tables of children yelling for me to come to them. They all wanted to know how Griffin was doing, tell me their adventures and once again, I felt like a hero being welcomed home.

There's only a day and a half of camp left this week, but I'm happy to be here and hoping that everything goes smoothly.

Sick Dog Update

I took Griffin to the vet first thing this morning. I spent all of yesterday bursting into tears every time I looked at or even thought about him. BF came over for a while in the evening and when he left, there were tears in his eyes. The thought of putting this dog to sleep has been killing me.

The vet didn't redo the blood tests from before. Griffin's infected eye has been getting worse and worse and when the vet looked at it, he thought that almost everything wrong with him was going back to the infection and a severely compromised immune system. It's possible he got pneumonia first which compromised the immune system enough to lead to infection, or maybe the other way around.

The vet was wonderful. He was very realistic and a true advocate for me. He suggested I return Griffin to the previous owner because the expense that might be required in this dog would be high. He was looking out for my best interest, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Griffin.

The vet told me that his eye needed to be operated on or he would lose the eye, possibly his life, within the week. Operate or walk out with a very sick dog and bring him back. As I sat on the floor with Griffin, sobbing hysterically, the vet tech (and therapist for today) handed me tissues and helped me talk through it.

I could return him, but I wasn't sure that the former owner had the money or was prepared to deal with all of Griffin's needs. And as I thought about it more, I realized that there is NO way I could just drop him off and never look back. I would always wonder, would agonize. The surgery was $400. I don't have bags of money laying around and certainly don't want to waste that amount of money, but as I sat there, paralyzed, holding my dog, I decided that it was a decent price to pay for my sanity. And yes, he still has other issues and might be a money trap in the long run, but I don't have to make any decisions about that now.

Maybe I will bring him back or find him a new home, or maybe once we get rid of the infection, he will be okay. None of that matters at the moment. I decided to just take it one step at a time. So today he had eye surgery. We'll see what happens after that.

This is a photo from the lobby of the vet's office. They have a life sized white bulldog statute that looks just like Olivia. Griffin went right to it and rested his little chin on top of it's head like he does with Olivia. It was so priceless and heartbreaking at the same time.

Sick Dog

The birthday surprise hasn't been the only thing taking my focus these past few days.

On Sunday, Griffin woke up with both eyes filled with pus. He was weak, not eating or drinking and acting weird (he kept going under the porch to lay down in the dirt). My vet at home is a bulldog specialist but I was so worried about him. I soaked his food in water and fed him one little piece at a time from my hand, which gave him some strength, and with a lot of encouragement from my mom, I decided not to rush out to the emergency vet, but rather, wait until I was home on Monday for the birthday surprise to go to my vet.

Yesterday, before going to BFs house to decorate, I spent 3 hours at the vet. $400 later, the vet was looking overwhelmed and politely agreed when I asked if he was a "train wreck".

1. Respiratory infection. Olivia is a particularly quiet breather for a bulldog so I assumed his wheezing was normal. Nope. He has pneumonia. Also, he has an abnormally small trachea, which means he is essentially breathing out of a straw. Because he has to work so hard to get in air, he is extra susceptible to infection, and, even once this is cleared up, he will continue to fight these for the rest of his life.

2. Infection the eyes. Not sure why this happened, probably a symptom of something worse.

3. Severely lowered red blood cells. From the time they tested him Friday to Monday, they dropped in half. One of three reasons- internal bleeding, severe parasites, cancer of the bone marrow. All three will cost a lot to test for and all three will require extensive treatment.

4. "I don't even want to mention this because in 7 years of being a vet, I've never seen it, but..." He also has all of the symptoms of distemper, which is a virus that has mostly been eradicated because of vaccines, but because he probably wasn't properly vaccinated as a puppy, he could possibly have it. There is no good test for it, but he has every symptom. There is no treatment for it, infected dogs must be put down.

Okay...

The vet was wonderful and helpful and patient and took a lot of time with me and with him. She put him on 3 medications- one for the eyes, one for the pneumonia and an antibiotic and suggested I make an appointment for Wednesday to get him re-tested to see if he's made any improvements.

When we left, he was still weak, not walking, could barely see and just the most pathetic looking thing you've ever seen. Olivia sat on the floor in the backseat with her face next to his the whole ride home.

After much counseling, my mom and brother encouraged me to let my brother take care of him for the night (including the medications and hand feeding) and go and have fun with the BF. I felt sick to my stomach leaving him, but BF is important too and so I didn't tell him about the vet or what was going on. I focused on making sure his night was perfect.

This morning I woke up sick to my stomach and couldn't stop bursting into tears. Originally, when I made the vet appointment for Wednesday, I planned to drive to camp early this morning, spend the day there and then get up at 5am on Wednesday and come back to the city for the appointment. I wasn't sure if I would make Griffin go back and forth, or if I would ask my roommates to watch him. I didn't want to be away from camp for so long.

But I had several errands to run while in town and I am exhausted, overwhelmed and bursting into tears every time I think about him, and so, after sitting on the floor with him, crying and paralyzed with stress, I had a long talk with my best friend X who, in her most gentle/firm/decisive way (she's a teacher, so she has experience dealing with melt downs... which works well for me thank goodness!), told me that I need to just stay at home and camp would be fine.

It's not that I'm so narcissistic to think that camp can't go on without me. It's just that I worry about my staff being overwhelmed, I worry something will happen and I feel like the worst camp director in the world when I let my personal life take priority over camp. But I had a long talk with Program Director S, Assistant PD A, and Nurse J (all on speaker phone) and everything was going really well. I started to worry that rushing back to camp, then back home early morning, then back to camp (9 hours of driving in just over 24 hours) would be stressful and dangerous. I would end up with a speeding ticket, in an accident, or just so stressed out that I would snap at someone or make poor decisions out of exhaustion. They will all be fine without me for 2 days.

So I have spent the day running errands, bursting into tears and sitting on the floor with my dogs. Tomorrow I will decide if I am going to put him to sleep, spend thousands of dollars to diagnose and treat a dog who will, at best, live 8 years, or take home a terminally ill dog and wait for him to die at camp. I'm not sure which of those is the worst, but there is not a "good" option.

Shame on me for not taking him to the vet to get checked out before I got attached to him. Shame on me for not going to a reputable breeder. Shame on me for blindly trusting everyone I meet and not even hesitating to adopt a puppy from a stranger- despite some clearly "sketchy" details.

I have not contacted his former owner. I don't want to hear him accuse me of the puppy being healthy when he had it, because it's just not possibly true and I can't emotionally handle that debate. I don't want to yell at him, it won't make me feel better. I don't want him to ask for the puppy back- I have ZERO intention of bringing my baby boy back to that dirty, smoke-filled house to die. Judging from the condition of his house, I have no hope of getting my money back and it's not worth the stress of the phone call to even attempt. The money wouldn't make me feel better anyway, so I haven't called him and don't plan to.

Olivia pouted when I first brought him home, but now they are inseparable. In just 4 weeks, I have fallen in love with his sweet, goofy, gentle demeanor. He is the most lovable, affectionate dog and I'm distraught. I am hoping for a miracle, that he will be all better when we go to the vet tomorrow, but there's just too many things wrong that can't be fixed, so I'm trying to make him happy right now.

Birthday Surprise

Last summer I only left camp twice- once to bring Olivia home for eye surgery on a weekend (which I had planned months in advance) and once on a weekday when I rushed her home to the vet for an injured paw. I also loaded 14/18 staff into a van and drove them to my house for a city field trip one weekend, but I don't count that as leaving since I brought camp with me.

I miss home and my roommies, family, friends, but leaving camp is really difficult. I worry that something will go wrong or someone will need me and I won't be available. I also hate to miss out on the fun.

But every now and then, something really important comes up in real life that I can't miss out on and I have to leave camp.

My boyfriend has been incredibly understanding and supportive of my life. I don't know if the situation were reversed and he went away for 4 months if I would be as patient as he is. His birthday was yesterday and I knew I had to make it special.

One of my board members has season tickets for the baseball team (of which BF is a HUGE fan!!). The board member offered me tickets months ago and I asked if I could have them for yesterday's game. "No problem" he said!

So for 2 months, I have been planning. I emailed as many of his friends and his parents, as well as his roommate to make sure no one else made plans with him. I arranged with his roommate to be there to let me in so I could decorate and he was also my accomplice in luring BF home from work early.

Yesterday, I left camp in the morning, ran some errands and then arrived at BFs house by 3. I had 20 balloons, which I tied all over his yard and into his house. I had a rhyming poem that I'd made up and hung each section with each bundle of balloons. I also had a big "surprise" sign, an ice cream cake with candles and the tickets.

His roommate called (several times in a row to get him out of the meeting he was in) and said he was sorry but the dishwasher was overflowing and he needed to come right home. I had talked to BF several times about his plans for the day, but I didn't know anyone in his office and so the only fear I had was a last minute birthday happy hour that would prevent him from coming right home. So the "crisis" was a good way of taking care of that.

He was upset about the dishwasher and came home looking frustrated (his roommate and I were peaking out the window), but when he saw the balloons, his face changed to confused. When he saw the cake and candles, he looked even more confused (he told me later he was thinking maybe my roommates had set everything up for me as a surprise). But when I walked out and said, "happy birthday" his face was priceless.

He was so excited and his smile was so wonderful. He was so excited for the game and I was thrilled that the surprise had worked! He changed into his team jersey and we rushed off for the game.

The tickets were in a dugout box, 10th row. The box connected to a private lounge with concessions and bathrooms, so we didn't have to wait in line for anything. The seats were so close we could have talked to the players and it was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor game. The whole night was luxurious and wonderful and perfect!

He was surprised I had left camp, and while I was stressed out about leaving, it was important to me to show him how much he means to me by making the effort to do this. A major part of the success I have had with camp has been the support I receive from my family and friends and so it's important to me that (whenever possible) I show my family and friends (and now BF) that, even during the craziest time of life, they are a priority in my life. Balancing camp and real life continues to be a focus, more so now than ever.

Weekend

The weekend was fantastic! The boyfriend drove up north for a visit and we spent a lot of time relaxing and hanging out. On Saturday, he made reservations at a nice restaurant in a big city an hour away, so we drove there, went to dinner, walked around, stopped at a really awesome candy store, had some drinks, and then we to a comedy club he'd bought tickets for. BF is not usually a plan-ahead kinda guy, so I was really impressed by his effort. Plus, we had a ton of fun!

It was nice to have him visit, but it makes me think a lot about this career long term. Camp Director is a lifestyle. It requires 100% attention. I appreciate and admire 20+ years Directors even more than I did before. I want and have always expected that would be me too, but lately I'm wondering how I will manage to make the balance work. It was easy when I was single and could run off to the woods for 4 months. My roommates took care of my house and I could play all summer long. But dividing my time- attempting to give 100% of myself to camp, while also being a present and attentive girlfriend is really difficult.

There were several times this weekend when we were just relaxing on the couch or eating or sitting around, when groups of my staff knocked on my door needing something. In some cases they were being friendly, some had random questions- my door is open 24 hours a day and they pretty much need me that often. Late on Friday night, several of them knocked and crowded in. They had all been at the ice cream shop in town and the manager had accused one of the male staff (who happens to be black) of sneaking around earlier in the week and swimming in the pond behind the restaurant. The manager demanded to know which camp they were from and told them he would be calling me. All of the staff were outraged and came in to tell me all about the injustice of what they'd just experienced.

The staff in question does not have a car at camp, so the 15 miles from camp to town would have been a long way to walk. Also, with only 18 staff, it's not possible to "sneak out". I listened to their frustration at the blatant racism and absurdity they'd just encountered, calmed them down and eventually got back to the movie BF and I had paused. When you aren't used to crowds of needy 19 year olds, I'm sure it is overwhelming and annoying, so I appreciated his continued patience with how needed I am.

It's difficult to balance spending quality (not to mention super limited) time with him but still be present for the staff that need me. I think I managed to do so, but it's not easy. I love having people visit camp, but at the same time, it's so much easier to just allow myself to be completely, 100% focused on camp and forget about the rest of the world without bothering to balance. My family and friends have been really understanding of that and tolerate my 3 month absences well. A relationship is different and especially a brand new relationship can't exactly withstand that lapse, but I'm finding myself feeling very divided.

Balance aside, it was a sunny, wonderful, full weekend!

Morning...

12:30am- [phone rings, it’s Assistant Program Director A… never a good thing at 12:30]: “galoshes… laundry room… standing in water… not sure what happened.”

I happen to also be the proud owner of galoshes, so I told her I would put them on and be over in a flash. This is the third night I’ve had to deal with something after midnight. What is going on?!?

Because my knowledge of washing machines ends at putting in detergent, I was really just there for triage. We mopped and swept water for about a half an hour. The laundry room is in the basement of a really old house at camp and the floor is very uneven. So getting the water into the drain required quick feet and brooming skills. We did the best we could, turned on a fan and went to bed. My dad can figure out what is wrong today and the Work Crew can do some more clean-up.

5:00am- Vomit EXPLOSION… all over my bed… very sick dog.

I took him outside, pulled everything off my bed and have been sitting with him on the couch ever since. He looks miserable and I’m not sure what is wrong. I have not yet activated his puppy health insurance as I have only had him 4 weeks (the first of which I wasn't sure I was going to keep him and the other three have been 12-15 hour intense days of training and camp). Also, I don't have one moment of free time today between now and about 4pm. I'm not sure how I will manage to squeeze in a trip to the vet. Also, I hate the vet in this tiny town.

Meanwhile, the other puppy is furious that we woke up early, that I am not paying attention to her and after a short fit, finally managed to calm down when I let her sit in between my laptop that I am currently typing on and my chest.

6:00am- The heavens have opened up for the sixth day in a row. Yesterday and Tuesday, the rain was just a few short bursts throughout the day, but all other days this week we have had to completely alter the schedule. Today is parent day and so I am PRAYING that the rain ends soon. Otherwise the day will include wet parents, wet kids, loading luggage in the rain and a closing program crammed into the dining hall, rather than my brand new fancy stage.

Week one has been a little rough... 9 more to go- let's hope it calms down a bit...

Tears Part 4

Nope, not the last of the tears.

This time it was kids though.

8:45pm, the youngest campers are all in the bathroom area, finishing up showers and bedtime stuff. The nurse comes to get me out of the bathroom where I am monitoring the shower line.

"Counselor J has 4 crying kids."

That was 4 out of 7 eight year old girls.

"I might start crying too" she tells me as I walk by, her panicked face is almost comical except that she was serious.

"Okay, I have a very special secret, who would like to come with me and hear it?" I announce.

That got their attention temporarily and I was able to coax all of them outside and off to their cabin. I didn't have a secret or even a vague idea of what I was going to do with them, but we made it to the cabin, which was a good first step.

I spent the next 40 minutes having them color pictures for their parents while I told them stories about my dogs and the pranks from earlier in the day (even at 8 years old, girls love a little gossip!). I told them the secret was that I had the power to give out very special surprises when there was a particularly brave cabin. If they made it through the night, the same exact time tomorrow, I would come to their cabin with a FABULOUS surprise.

After I had distracted them long enough that they weren't crying, I read them a bedtime story and then tiptoed out of their cabin. I'm not 100% sure they didn't all burst into tears when I left, but I think many of them were asleep, so I'm hoping for the best.

Now I have less than 24 hours to figure out the fabulous surprise. I'm sure I can come up with something.

Tears- Parts 3

Counselor M and her girls went to pull a prank on the boy's cabin. Pranks at camp are BIG. All pranks have to be Director approved, which prevents damage to property, emotions and general mayhem. Pranks are good clean fun. But sometimes they go awry, as it did today.

The boys discovered the girls decorating their cabin with girly hearts and fabric and started yelling and pounding the windows. That's all pretty tame, but the emergency window got knocked out (they aren't glass, so it wasn't a big deal) and there was a lot of screaming. Counselor M was in the middle of the action when it avalanched out of her control and I think it overwhelmed her. On the way back to main camp, the heavens opened up and by the time they made it to the building we were all doing activities in, M was soaked and miserable.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked?

We went to another room and she BURST into tears. M had been on the overnight the night before and was overly tired, feeling bad that the prank had gotten out of control and being wet was the final straw. I managed to calm her down, find her some dry clothes and give her 10 minutes alone to take some deep breaths and re-compose herself.

I told them the first week was overwhelming. A few tears are to be expected, but hopefully these are the last for a while...

Big Bad Director

Apparently I am a very intimidating and terrifying person. I never yell, laugh a lot and spend a lot of time encouraging people, so I'm not sure where I got this reputation.

On the camping trip, one of the tents of boys refused to go to sleep, wouldn't listen to the counselor and so his threat had been, "when we get back you are going to talk to Director".

After lunch, I lead the boys (hanging heads, slumped shoulders, miserable looking) down to the office and said, "do you know why you are here?"

We ended up talking for a full hour about the whole week. They are good boys who were feeling frustrated, not listened to and powerless (similar feelings that their counselor was feeling). We talked a lot about communication, listening, respect and working together as a team.

Near the end of the conversation, I asked, "is there anything else we need to talk about?"

"What is our punishment?" they asked.

I explained that they didn't have a punishment because my goal had been to solve the problem with them, not beat them up over their mistakes.

Later, Program Director S told me, "well, you made quite the impression on those boys." Apparently they had a long discussion about how cool I actually am and that I wasn't scary, didn't yell at them and listened to them. I'm not sure what they'd expected, but I'm glad I could surprise them and win them over.

Lightning

When my phone rings at 2am, it's never good. It's especially bad when we have a group of campers on the overnight adventure (on a separate piece of property about 20 miles away and deep in the forest).

Assistant Program Director A had gone along on this adventure to help the new staff. It was her on the phone.

"Counselor K walkie talkie-d me from the boys campsite and he sees lightning and thinks we need to evacuate."

Um...

I jump out of bed and do some frantic googling about lightning and camping. They couldn't hear thunder and with no sounds, I couldn't calcualte how far away it was from them, but I guessed that meant it was really far.

I definitely didn't want to leave them out and risk anyone beng struck, but I also wasn't thrilled with the idea of bringing them back to camp. Here's why- between the boy's site and girls, there were 18 kids (12-14 years old) all of whom we already asleep at 2am. The camp sites are a mile hike in throug the thick forest. It is hilly and uneven, muddy and even in the daylight is tough walking. The idea of waking them up, telling them to grab their sleeping bags (because we don't really have spare bedding for 18 people) and then marching them through the pitch black seemed like a really bad idea. It would be terrifying, dangerous walking and if someone got separated, it would be terrible.

If any of my staff or kids were in danger, I wouldn't hesitate to turn mother bear and go out and hunt them down in the forest and shield them from danger. But the weather radar showed clear skies and I decided that taking them out of the campsite was a bigger risk. Even if it ended up raining on them, it would be better than a long dark walk at 2 am. So I told them to stay put and go to sleep.

This morning when I woke up, I was relieved to see that it hadn't rained. I picked up a rested (well, not counselor K, but the kids at least) group that was safe, dry and I was thankful I had made a good choice.

Trespassers!

On Sunday night, someone knocked on the door of our oldest girls' cabin. They thought it was the boys, but Monday morning, we discovered that they had been in their cabin and it wasn't likely that it was anyone at camp. Hmmmm....

The lead staff and the counselors whose cabin it was and I all spoke about it and let us know if it happened again. My dad told all of us he wanted to know immediately if anyone heard anything.

11:30pm last night I hear my name over the walkie talkie. "Are you awake?"

Of course... I am always awake at 11:30 because that is when things happen.

The knockers had returned. They pounded on the door, made a yelling noise and then ran into the woods.

I knocked on my dad's bedroom door and whispered, "they knocked on the cabin."

CRASH$^*#*^$^%#BOOM$%#&&^$)%(%&%_!~~~POW!!!#%^&*()*&^%$#

Judging by the noise, I guessed he maybe back flipped or somersaulted out of bed.

A stream of four letter words and threats of death poured out of his mouth as we headed down the pitch black road, flashlights in hand. I gently reminded him that we represented camp and so we could probably solve this less violently than he was describing.

11:45pm, walking down the dark road on a mission to find some trouble makers... typical day at the office, I guess.

We didn't find the assailants, but we did find a nearby cabin with a golf cart in the riveway that matched the description of the one the staff thought they saw on Sunday night.

This morning we went back to the cabin and my dad sat quietly, flexing his muscles and making mean faces as I politely introduced myself to the gentleman who answered the door. I explained that we'd had some trouble the past two nights and didn't want to accuse anyone, but had seen a golf cart like theirs and if we continued to have trespassing incidents, we would be calling the authorities. He let me know that he had 3 teenage boys who'd been out and he didn't know if it was them, but he'd send them by later. I thanked him and left.

About 15 minutes later, three miserable looking boys stood on my porch, heads hanging, shoulders slumped.

"Are you the visitors from last night?" I asked with a smile.

They were and they apologized. I told them we wanted to be friends with our neighbors and they could come by as long as it wasn't after dark. They thanked me for being so cool about it and not pressing charges (apparently they overheard my conversation with their father). I thanked them for coming by.

Hopefully that's the end of late night nonsense for the rest of the summer.

Tears- part 2

Okay, this was a "near tears" incident later in the day, but male staff hold out a little more because 19 and 20 year old guys will do almost anything to avoid crying in front of their 28 year old female boss.

I was in my house, battling my computer when Counselor K walked in. In training, he proved to be one of the strongest, best of my new staff, so when I had to choose one staff to be in a cabin alone this week, I chose him.

He walked in with tears in his eyes, taking a lot of deep breaths, shoulders slumped, and when I said, "how's it going" he just shrugged (a good sign that speaking is going to lead to voice breaking). I offered him a girl scout cookie and had him sit (collapse/deflate would be a more accurate description actually).

This week he has the oldest boys. 7th-9th grade males can be difficult to engage in silly songs and cabin spirit, and while they are actually enjoying themselves, admiring their counselor and trying to emulate him, what is coming out of their mouth is usually kind of sassy and disrespectful.

We talked for a while and there didn't seem to be any major disasters going on, mostly just teen attitude combined with an exhausted, overwhelmed, new counselor. I gave him several suggestions, several phrases that he could use in a discussion I suggested he have with them and by the end, he seemed calmer and less on the verge of tears.

I decided to make it "backwards night" and the older kids went to the showers and went to bed first, giving his group some extra time to talk, and maybe even get to bed a little earlier. I also pulled aside the ringleader of his boys to have a chat.

"On a scale of 1 to 10- 10 being an angel and 1 being a demon spawn, how would you say you have been this week?" I asked.

"Um, like a 5?"

"So by 5, you probably really mean like 3?" I asked.

"Maybeee...."

"And what number do you think you have the potential to be?" I asked?

"11." He said it so earnestly, I believed him (he really is a good kid).

"Okay, well, I need you to be Counselor K's assistant and help him out. You are a natural leader and the others boys will follow you. But leaders can lead positively or negatively and followers will go either way. So you need to start being more of an 11 and less of a 3."

"Can I just be a leader, do I have to be an 'assistant'" he asked.

"'Assistant' is nerdy? [yes]. Okay, definitely not assistant than. Just be unofficially the leader and stay cool but work with me here, okay?"

I've known this kid for a few years and he is a really great kid, and I felt like we were connecting as we were talking. So I am hoping I can guide him in the right direction and use his power to help make Counselor K's job a little easier. We'll see how it goes...

Tears- Part 1

They can't say I didn't warn them they would cry...

During training, I tell staff that there will come a time during the summer that they will cry. I don't do that to scare them, but to let them know it is normal, to come find me and let me help so that they can get through it smoothly. This is an exhausting job. They are with kids 22 hours a day. And kids can be frustrating, annoying, difficult and even when they are being perfect, they are needy and require absolute focus. Add to that being away from home, family, friends and real life for 3 months and you have an intense experience that nothing else compares. It also makes for amazing growth, learning and life changing development, which is great, but no one ever said that was easy!

First tears of the summer- Monday, 1:37pm.

I went to the beach to help ease some of the chaos of the first day (all campers need to be swim tested and it can get a little hectic). I had been with them for approximately 3 minutes, I counted them, put them into buddy pairs and asked how many kids were on the list. 21. Hmmmm. I counted 20 kids. Why are those numbers different?

When I asked Counselor J that question, she stared at me with a look of terror and confusion and said, "I don't know."

Wrong answer.

I asked her and counselor E if they had stopped at the entrance to the beach road to count the kids and take attendance.

Nope.

So we don't really know if we have 20 or 21.

Okkkk...

I was being very nice, patient, calm. I knew that no one was dead in the water or anything awful, but I wanted to figure out why we were "missing" a kid. I took the clipboard and started asking each child his or her name and checking them off. When I turned around midway through, Counselor J was sobbing hysterically.

"Go around the corner and compose yourself." I said (still calm, still nice, a little shocked at her reaction, but knowing her even just 9 days, not really surprised).

After figuring out there was a typo and one kid was on the list twice, I went to deal with the crier (I don't really deal with tears super well...).

"Ok [soothing voice]. Are you okay?" (Judging by her face, you would think I had beat her regularly. Since when am I scary?!?)

"I was just so terrified someone was hurt and I don't want you to think I'm terrible at my job and I am so sorry and I just don't want you to be mad...." Begging for her life is the best way to describe her.

"Whoa. Calm down. First of all, we knew no one was in the water yet. I'm glad you took the emergency procedures and importance of safety part of training so seriously, but it was just a typo, so no need to panic. Second, if it was an emergency, remember, we have to stay calm and just be logical. Today is the first day, you are doing well. Don't worry. We just have to remember to count and match names to faces. You are doing fine [still soothing], I'm not mad, I don't get mad very often. I'm not so scary you need to panic."

I didn't roll my eyes at the nonsense that was that WHOLE situation until I was far far away. But seriously?!?!

Today Can Suck It

Ordinarily, while I play and laugh and frolic through the woods with campers, soaking in the sun and loving life, I think of my poor friends and family whose jobs are nothing compared to my personal paradise.

And then there are days like today. Today can suck it. That's really the most articulate way to sum it up.

Yesterday was the first day of camp. The bus was late in leaving and by the time it finally arrived, we were an hour behind schedule. I do NOT like to wait. Patience is not really my best quality. And I have felt behind and frantic since they arrived. Deep breaths and soothing pauses are not helping me find inner peace and balance, so I've just been running around like a crazy person for the last 24 hours.

The first day is always a little crazy. The kids don't know what is going on the first two days so it always takes a little while to get them acclimated. And the first week is always terrible because the staff are like baby horses learning to walk. They seem to understand the concepts we spend 9 days training them on, but actually putting them into practice is a little wobbly.

As I have done each summer, I have improved the schedule, but I am not yet used to the changes, so I am feeling a little out of sorts as well. Consequently, the sign-ups for the individual camper activities did not go as smoothly as usual, so I was working until late last night and frantically finishing them this morning. 10:52am I printed and photo copied them, 10:55am campers and staff gathered at the flag to divide into the activities. A little closer than I usually wait.

It was a moot point though, because right at that moment, the heavens opened up and I was concerned there would be a need for an Ark the way the rain was pouring down. Ugh.

These things wouldn't be so terrible except that I am currently experiencing a variety of technological problems that are making me so frustrated, I want to scream. My computer got a virus about a month ago and has just gotten worse and worse no matter what I download to fix it. I have to keep restarting and so answering the barrage of emails, updating the camp blog and photos, as well as emailing my boyfriend and checking facebook are not possible. The inability to do those things is making me anxious and crazy. I also can't get wireless internet connection in the office, even though everyone else can, so I have to carry my computer back and forth from there to my house (in the rain and in between restarting it). Oh, and for some reason my brand new, military grade, $300 walkie talkie isn't working after 2 days.

Is it the weekend yet?

Dogs and Frogs

11:30pm, last night. After a very long, exhausting first day of camp, I let the dogs out one last time before I could fall into bed. After a few minutes of hanging out and not going potty like mommy wanted, I went outside to drag them in.

As I walked outside, I must have spooked a very large (like the size of my fist) toad. When Olivia saw it, she became a wild animal hunter and attempted to go after it. Just as I grabbed her, shouting, "no!" Griffin pounced and had the entire thing in his mouth. The thought of one of my babies eating a giant toad is gross and awful, but I also remembered something about toads possibly being poisonous, so of course I was frantically trying to get it away from him. However, after less than 10 seconds of having it in his mouth, Griffin spit it out and started foaming at the mouth.

Panicked, I ran inside to do a quick google and, yes, some toads are poisonous, some just have really bitter skin to deter predators. Without actually seeing it, I didn't know which we were dealing with, so I dragged Griffin over to the hose and started flushing his mouth out like the website had said to do.

Standing in the dark, yelling at Olivia to stop looking for the toad, yelling at Griffin to let me spray out his mouth, soaking wet, muddy, frantic, with two wet muddy dogs... a perfect end to the day...

(epilogue- Griffin is fine, so I don't think it was the poison kind)

And Away We Go...

Training ended yesterday afternoon.

The Lead Staff and I have given them as much as we can and now it will be up to them to put it all together and make it through the first week.

Staff training was thorough, very hands on and covered a lot of ground. I don't brag often, but I can't deny- I know how to put together a top notch staff training. That said, there's only so much we can do to prepare them- some of it just has to be experienced first hand. It makes the first week a little bumpy for some, but overall, I am sure that they will all be fine and fall into the rhythm of camp.

I am nervous for campers to arrive. It's not a new feeling and I know that as soon as they've arrived and are circled up on the field for introductions, I will go back to being calm and enjoying myself. Until then, the magnitude of being responsible for little lives (and older ones too), for the reputation of the camp, for staff development, for my own future career... it will fill me with anxiety and make me wonder why I don't have a comfortable office job where I could take breaks at a water cooler, punch out at the end of the day and never have to worry about water safety, fire safety, emotional well being or the personal development of the 90 or so 7-22 year olds for whom I am responsible.

Until then... I plan to relax, eat more candy than I should, possibly go for a run, but mostly just sit and do nothing while I still can.

YES!!

Prior to fleeing our campsite last night, as we sat around the fire, I asked the staff, "so, 5 days in, is this what you expected?"

Several people talked about how they had been nervous about meeting everyone, if they would fit in, feel welcome, be able to learn all the activities. Some talked about being nervous about what camp facilities would be like, the food, the showers, etc.

I'm their boss, and they are all still a bit nervous and not entirely comfortable with me yet, so no one said anything negative. They all said they were enjoying themselves so far and they were excited for the summer ahead.

And then one of the counselors shared one of the best comments I've heard in a long time- the kind of comment that makes every exhausting day, every bit of hard work worth the effort. A comment that gives meaning to my job and meaning to the dedication I have for this camp.

"I am surprised at how I would react to things you have asked us to do. I didn't realize it would be so easy to try new things. I didn't know what a positive and encouraging environment it would be and how being here makes you feel like you can do anything."

YES.

That. That is the magic of camp.

It is the reason camp is different than other youth programs, school, home. Camp is more than just activities or a place to send kids to keep them occupied for a week.

Camp magic is an energy that is created by combining kindness, enthusiasm, creativity, positive attitude and fun. That energy surrounds the campers (and staff too) filling them with courage, self confidence and excitement. It gives them the power to let go of their inhibitions, to overcome intimidation, and to believe in themselves.

My staff are experiencing that power first hand and I can literally see them blossoming in front of me. It is a beautiful and amazing thing to witness.