Mean Girls

Counselor J is hilarious, has a strong desire to succeed at this job, works hard and is wonderful with the youngest campers. She's a bit awkward, but most camp people are, so that's part of what makes her awesome.

Counselors rotate between age groups and switch co-counselors. It helps prevent burnout, gives them the chance to learn and try new things. But sometimes it leads to hysterical sobbing...

This week Counselor J is with the oldest group of girls. She and her "co" Counselor D have 7 girls, all 14-15 years old. They all go to school together and are "BFF". When they arrived at camp, I made all 7 of them change their clothes. I am usually pretty lenient, but I have underwear bigger than the shorts they were wearing! They all brought their hair product and eye liner. They are the stereotypical pretty, popular, mean girls.

Girls can be awful. And every adult woman, whether you were popular and confident or not at all, has had an experience with mean girls. Everyone has felt judged, not good enough, left out... As a 19 year old, Counselor J is not yet far enough removed from those negative experiences and I was worried for her on Sunday when she called off that list of girls.

She made it until last night at the campfire. But they were laughing at her, making fun of her, and being disrespectful. She came and asked me if I could talk to them about respect and I could see she was really upset. I brought everyone together and we had a good conversation. They didn't necessarily agree that they were doing anything wrong, but it was a good start. I sent them back to their cabin to get sweatshirts and kept both counselors to talk more.

As soon as the girls were out of sight, J burst into tears. She felt like they hated her, felt like a terrible counselor, felt like she didn't know how to work with them. "Those girls are the same type of girls who made my life hell in high school and I can't even look at them. I can't find anything good about them and I feel like I'm back there all over again. I just want to go home."

She was sobbing.

Counselor D and I calmed her down, talked about how 15 year olds judge people on their looks and this is a good chance for them to develop relationships where it isn't based on the superficial and maybe they will go back to school and be kinder. We talked about how there are no bad kids, and that, like we said in training, when kids misbehave, they are doing their job as kids. They are testing their limits, learning right from wrong and doing exactly what kids do. So behavior isn't an obstacle, but an opportunity for us to help them learn and grow. These girls are doing what 15 year old girls do. And so this is our opportunity to help them gain perspective.

She needs to develop a tougher skin, but it's difficult to do. We want to be adored by every kid we work with. But the truth is, sometimes you have to enforce rules or tell kids "no" and they don't like that. I've been told I'm no fun or downright evil more than once.

I gave her the following example to try to help her- I wear a fanny pack and a glittery cell phone holder (a wonderful gift from my bff!). I talk endlessly about safety and good choices. I make people change their clothes into more modest outfits. It's all part of my job. But in real life, I'm 28. I don't wear a fanny pack when I go out. I have short clothing and I don't monitor my friend's safety.

Some counselors love me, some hate me. It's okay either way. Because, while a lot of who I am in my personal life is the same as when I am here, the truth is, none of the staff really know me as a person. They know me as the director who is responsible for everything. So if you hate me, it's okay, because you hate Camp Director, not me as an individual. I'm doing my job to the best of my ability and you don't always have to like it or even agree with it.

We talk a lot in training about "counselor face" and staying focused on kids, regardless of how you are feeling. It's like at Disney World- you never see Mickey Mouse with his head off. That would take away the magic. At camp, yes, you bring yourself into your work as a counselor, but they should never see you without your counselor face. No, you aren't always going to be excited about archery, singing songs and corn dogs for lunch, but the kids don't need to know that.

So when they look at you and roll their eyes and tell you that you are lame- smile, nod, ignore it, repeat your request for them to get in line and know in your heart that regardless of what they think, you are doing your job, you are great and you don't need approval from 15 year olds.

She eventually stopped crying and went back to her group. This morning I checked in with her and things were going much better. I spoke with the girls in the afternoon and they told me that they like her and they are having fun. I'm hoping that's they last of the drama for the week!