Sick Dog

The birthday surprise hasn't been the only thing taking my focus these past few days.

On Sunday, Griffin woke up with both eyes filled with pus. He was weak, not eating or drinking and acting weird (he kept going under the porch to lay down in the dirt). My vet at home is a bulldog specialist but I was so worried about him. I soaked his food in water and fed him one little piece at a time from my hand, which gave him some strength, and with a lot of encouragement from my mom, I decided not to rush out to the emergency vet, but rather, wait until I was home on Monday for the birthday surprise to go to my vet.

Yesterday, before going to BFs house to decorate, I spent 3 hours at the vet. $400 later, the vet was looking overwhelmed and politely agreed when I asked if he was a "train wreck".

1. Respiratory infection. Olivia is a particularly quiet breather for a bulldog so I assumed his wheezing was normal. Nope. He has pneumonia. Also, he has an abnormally small trachea, which means he is essentially breathing out of a straw. Because he has to work so hard to get in air, he is extra susceptible to infection, and, even once this is cleared up, he will continue to fight these for the rest of his life.

2. Infection the eyes. Not sure why this happened, probably a symptom of something worse.

3. Severely lowered red blood cells. From the time they tested him Friday to Monday, they dropped in half. One of three reasons- internal bleeding, severe parasites, cancer of the bone marrow. All three will cost a lot to test for and all three will require extensive treatment.

4. "I don't even want to mention this because in 7 years of being a vet, I've never seen it, but..." He also has all of the symptoms of distemper, which is a virus that has mostly been eradicated because of vaccines, but because he probably wasn't properly vaccinated as a puppy, he could possibly have it. There is no good test for it, but he has every symptom. There is no treatment for it, infected dogs must be put down.

Okay...

The vet was wonderful and helpful and patient and took a lot of time with me and with him. She put him on 3 medications- one for the eyes, one for the pneumonia and an antibiotic and suggested I make an appointment for Wednesday to get him re-tested to see if he's made any improvements.

When we left, he was still weak, not walking, could barely see and just the most pathetic looking thing you've ever seen. Olivia sat on the floor in the backseat with her face next to his the whole ride home.

After much counseling, my mom and brother encouraged me to let my brother take care of him for the night (including the medications and hand feeding) and go and have fun with the BF. I felt sick to my stomach leaving him, but BF is important too and so I didn't tell him about the vet or what was going on. I focused on making sure his night was perfect.

This morning I woke up sick to my stomach and couldn't stop bursting into tears. Originally, when I made the vet appointment for Wednesday, I planned to drive to camp early this morning, spend the day there and then get up at 5am on Wednesday and come back to the city for the appointment. I wasn't sure if I would make Griffin go back and forth, or if I would ask my roommates to watch him. I didn't want to be away from camp for so long.

But I had several errands to run while in town and I am exhausted, overwhelmed and bursting into tears every time I think about him, and so, after sitting on the floor with him, crying and paralyzed with stress, I had a long talk with my best friend X who, in her most gentle/firm/decisive way (she's a teacher, so she has experience dealing with melt downs... which works well for me thank goodness!), told me that I need to just stay at home and camp would be fine.

It's not that I'm so narcissistic to think that camp can't go on without me. It's just that I worry about my staff being overwhelmed, I worry something will happen and I feel like the worst camp director in the world when I let my personal life take priority over camp. But I had a long talk with Program Director S, Assistant PD A, and Nurse J (all on speaker phone) and everything was going really well. I started to worry that rushing back to camp, then back home early morning, then back to camp (9 hours of driving in just over 24 hours) would be stressful and dangerous. I would end up with a speeding ticket, in an accident, or just so stressed out that I would snap at someone or make poor decisions out of exhaustion. They will all be fine without me for 2 days.

So I have spent the day running errands, bursting into tears and sitting on the floor with my dogs. Tomorrow I will decide if I am going to put him to sleep, spend thousands of dollars to diagnose and treat a dog who will, at best, live 8 years, or take home a terminally ill dog and wait for him to die at camp. I'm not sure which of those is the worst, but there is not a "good" option.

Shame on me for not taking him to the vet to get checked out before I got attached to him. Shame on me for not going to a reputable breeder. Shame on me for blindly trusting everyone I meet and not even hesitating to adopt a puppy from a stranger- despite some clearly "sketchy" details.

I have not contacted his former owner. I don't want to hear him accuse me of the puppy being healthy when he had it, because it's just not possibly true and I can't emotionally handle that debate. I don't want to yell at him, it won't make me feel better. I don't want him to ask for the puppy back- I have ZERO intention of bringing my baby boy back to that dirty, smoke-filled house to die. Judging from the condition of his house, I have no hope of getting my money back and it's not worth the stress of the phone call to even attempt. The money wouldn't make me feel better anyway, so I haven't called him and don't plan to.

Olivia pouted when I first brought him home, but now they are inseparable. In just 4 weeks, I have fallen in love with his sweet, goofy, gentle demeanor. He is the most lovable, affectionate dog and I'm distraught. I am hoping for a miracle, that he will be all better when we go to the vet tomorrow, but there's just too many things wrong that can't be fixed, so I'm trying to make him happy right now.