Sick Dog Update

I took Griffin to the vet first thing this morning. I spent all of yesterday bursting into tears every time I looked at or even thought about him. BF came over for a while in the evening and when he left, there were tears in his eyes. The thought of putting this dog to sleep has been killing me.

The vet didn't redo the blood tests from before. Griffin's infected eye has been getting worse and worse and when the vet looked at it, he thought that almost everything wrong with him was going back to the infection and a severely compromised immune system. It's possible he got pneumonia first which compromised the immune system enough to lead to infection, or maybe the other way around.

The vet was wonderful. He was very realistic and a true advocate for me. He suggested I return Griffin to the previous owner because the expense that might be required in this dog would be high. He was looking out for my best interest, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Griffin.

The vet told me that his eye needed to be operated on or he would lose the eye, possibly his life, within the week. Operate or walk out with a very sick dog and bring him back. As I sat on the floor with Griffin, sobbing hysterically, the vet tech (and therapist for today) handed me tissues and helped me talk through it.

I could return him, but I wasn't sure that the former owner had the money or was prepared to deal with all of Griffin's needs. And as I thought about it more, I realized that there is NO way I could just drop him off and never look back. I would always wonder, would agonize. The surgery was $400. I don't have bags of money laying around and certainly don't want to waste that amount of money, but as I sat there, paralyzed, holding my dog, I decided that it was a decent price to pay for my sanity. And yes, he still has other issues and might be a money trap in the long run, but I don't have to make any decisions about that now.

Maybe I will bring him back or find him a new home, or maybe once we get rid of the infection, he will be okay. None of that matters at the moment. I decided to just take it one step at a time. So today he had eye surgery. We'll see what happens after that.

This is a photo from the lobby of the vet's office. They have a life sized white bulldog statute that looks just like Olivia. Griffin went right to it and rested his little chin on top of it's head like he does with Olivia. It was so priceless and heartbreaking at the same time.

Sick Dog

The birthday surprise hasn't been the only thing taking my focus these past few days.

On Sunday, Griffin woke up with both eyes filled with pus. He was weak, not eating or drinking and acting weird (he kept going under the porch to lay down in the dirt). My vet at home is a bulldog specialist but I was so worried about him. I soaked his food in water and fed him one little piece at a time from my hand, which gave him some strength, and with a lot of encouragement from my mom, I decided not to rush out to the emergency vet, but rather, wait until I was home on Monday for the birthday surprise to go to my vet.

Yesterday, before going to BFs house to decorate, I spent 3 hours at the vet. $400 later, the vet was looking overwhelmed and politely agreed when I asked if he was a "train wreck".

1. Respiratory infection. Olivia is a particularly quiet breather for a bulldog so I assumed his wheezing was normal. Nope. He has pneumonia. Also, he has an abnormally small trachea, which means he is essentially breathing out of a straw. Because he has to work so hard to get in air, he is extra susceptible to infection, and, even once this is cleared up, he will continue to fight these for the rest of his life.

2. Infection the eyes. Not sure why this happened, probably a symptom of something worse.

3. Severely lowered red blood cells. From the time they tested him Friday to Monday, they dropped in half. One of three reasons- internal bleeding, severe parasites, cancer of the bone marrow. All three will cost a lot to test for and all three will require extensive treatment.

4. "I don't even want to mention this because in 7 years of being a vet, I've never seen it, but..." He also has all of the symptoms of distemper, which is a virus that has mostly been eradicated because of vaccines, but because he probably wasn't properly vaccinated as a puppy, he could possibly have it. There is no good test for it, but he has every symptom. There is no treatment for it, infected dogs must be put down.

Okay...

The vet was wonderful and helpful and patient and took a lot of time with me and with him. She put him on 3 medications- one for the eyes, one for the pneumonia and an antibiotic and suggested I make an appointment for Wednesday to get him re-tested to see if he's made any improvements.

When we left, he was still weak, not walking, could barely see and just the most pathetic looking thing you've ever seen. Olivia sat on the floor in the backseat with her face next to his the whole ride home.

After much counseling, my mom and brother encouraged me to let my brother take care of him for the night (including the medications and hand feeding) and go and have fun with the BF. I felt sick to my stomach leaving him, but BF is important too and so I didn't tell him about the vet or what was going on. I focused on making sure his night was perfect.

This morning I woke up sick to my stomach and couldn't stop bursting into tears. Originally, when I made the vet appointment for Wednesday, I planned to drive to camp early this morning, spend the day there and then get up at 5am on Wednesday and come back to the city for the appointment. I wasn't sure if I would make Griffin go back and forth, or if I would ask my roommates to watch him. I didn't want to be away from camp for so long.

But I had several errands to run while in town and I am exhausted, overwhelmed and bursting into tears every time I think about him, and so, after sitting on the floor with him, crying and paralyzed with stress, I had a long talk with my best friend X who, in her most gentle/firm/decisive way (she's a teacher, so she has experience dealing with melt downs... which works well for me thank goodness!), told me that I need to just stay at home and camp would be fine.

It's not that I'm so narcissistic to think that camp can't go on without me. It's just that I worry about my staff being overwhelmed, I worry something will happen and I feel like the worst camp director in the world when I let my personal life take priority over camp. But I had a long talk with Program Director S, Assistant PD A, and Nurse J (all on speaker phone) and everything was going really well. I started to worry that rushing back to camp, then back home early morning, then back to camp (9 hours of driving in just over 24 hours) would be stressful and dangerous. I would end up with a speeding ticket, in an accident, or just so stressed out that I would snap at someone or make poor decisions out of exhaustion. They will all be fine without me for 2 days.

So I have spent the day running errands, bursting into tears and sitting on the floor with my dogs. Tomorrow I will decide if I am going to put him to sleep, spend thousands of dollars to diagnose and treat a dog who will, at best, live 8 years, or take home a terminally ill dog and wait for him to die at camp. I'm not sure which of those is the worst, but there is not a "good" option.

Shame on me for not taking him to the vet to get checked out before I got attached to him. Shame on me for not going to a reputable breeder. Shame on me for blindly trusting everyone I meet and not even hesitating to adopt a puppy from a stranger- despite some clearly "sketchy" details.

I have not contacted his former owner. I don't want to hear him accuse me of the puppy being healthy when he had it, because it's just not possibly true and I can't emotionally handle that debate. I don't want to yell at him, it won't make me feel better. I don't want him to ask for the puppy back- I have ZERO intention of bringing my baby boy back to that dirty, smoke-filled house to die. Judging from the condition of his house, I have no hope of getting my money back and it's not worth the stress of the phone call to even attempt. The money wouldn't make me feel better anyway, so I haven't called him and don't plan to.

Olivia pouted when I first brought him home, but now they are inseparable. In just 4 weeks, I have fallen in love with his sweet, goofy, gentle demeanor. He is the most lovable, affectionate dog and I'm distraught. I am hoping for a miracle, that he will be all better when we go to the vet tomorrow, but there's just too many things wrong that can't be fixed, so I'm trying to make him happy right now.

Birthday Surprise

Last summer I only left camp twice- once to bring Olivia home for eye surgery on a weekend (which I had planned months in advance) and once on a weekday when I rushed her home to the vet for an injured paw. I also loaded 14/18 staff into a van and drove them to my house for a city field trip one weekend, but I don't count that as leaving since I brought camp with me.

I miss home and my roommies, family, friends, but leaving camp is really difficult. I worry that something will go wrong or someone will need me and I won't be available. I also hate to miss out on the fun.

But every now and then, something really important comes up in real life that I can't miss out on and I have to leave camp.

My boyfriend has been incredibly understanding and supportive of my life. I don't know if the situation were reversed and he went away for 4 months if I would be as patient as he is. His birthday was yesterday and I knew I had to make it special.

One of my board members has season tickets for the baseball team (of which BF is a HUGE fan!!). The board member offered me tickets months ago and I asked if I could have them for yesterday's game. "No problem" he said!

So for 2 months, I have been planning. I emailed as many of his friends and his parents, as well as his roommate to make sure no one else made plans with him. I arranged with his roommate to be there to let me in so I could decorate and he was also my accomplice in luring BF home from work early.

Yesterday, I left camp in the morning, ran some errands and then arrived at BFs house by 3. I had 20 balloons, which I tied all over his yard and into his house. I had a rhyming poem that I'd made up and hung each section with each bundle of balloons. I also had a big "surprise" sign, an ice cream cake with candles and the tickets.

His roommate called (several times in a row to get him out of the meeting he was in) and said he was sorry but the dishwasher was overflowing and he needed to come right home. I had talked to BF several times about his plans for the day, but I didn't know anyone in his office and so the only fear I had was a last minute birthday happy hour that would prevent him from coming right home. So the "crisis" was a good way of taking care of that.

He was upset about the dishwasher and came home looking frustrated (his roommate and I were peaking out the window), but when he saw the balloons, his face changed to confused. When he saw the cake and candles, he looked even more confused (he told me later he was thinking maybe my roommates had set everything up for me as a surprise). But when I walked out and said, "happy birthday" his face was priceless.

He was so excited and his smile was so wonderful. He was so excited for the game and I was thrilled that the surprise had worked! He changed into his team jersey and we rushed off for the game.

The tickets were in a dugout box, 10th row. The box connected to a private lounge with concessions and bathrooms, so we didn't have to wait in line for anything. The seats were so close we could have talked to the players and it was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor game. The whole night was luxurious and wonderful and perfect!

He was surprised I had left camp, and while I was stressed out about leaving, it was important to me to show him how much he means to me by making the effort to do this. A major part of the success I have had with camp has been the support I receive from my family and friends and so it's important to me that (whenever possible) I show my family and friends (and now BF) that, even during the craziest time of life, they are a priority in my life. Balancing camp and real life continues to be a focus, more so now than ever.

Weekend

The weekend was fantastic! The boyfriend drove up north for a visit and we spent a lot of time relaxing and hanging out. On Saturday, he made reservations at a nice restaurant in a big city an hour away, so we drove there, went to dinner, walked around, stopped at a really awesome candy store, had some drinks, and then we to a comedy club he'd bought tickets for. BF is not usually a plan-ahead kinda guy, so I was really impressed by his effort. Plus, we had a ton of fun!

It was nice to have him visit, but it makes me think a lot about this career long term. Camp Director is a lifestyle. It requires 100% attention. I appreciate and admire 20+ years Directors even more than I did before. I want and have always expected that would be me too, but lately I'm wondering how I will manage to make the balance work. It was easy when I was single and could run off to the woods for 4 months. My roommates took care of my house and I could play all summer long. But dividing my time- attempting to give 100% of myself to camp, while also being a present and attentive girlfriend is really difficult.

There were several times this weekend when we were just relaxing on the couch or eating or sitting around, when groups of my staff knocked on my door needing something. In some cases they were being friendly, some had random questions- my door is open 24 hours a day and they pretty much need me that often. Late on Friday night, several of them knocked and crowded in. They had all been at the ice cream shop in town and the manager had accused one of the male staff (who happens to be black) of sneaking around earlier in the week and swimming in the pond behind the restaurant. The manager demanded to know which camp they were from and told them he would be calling me. All of the staff were outraged and came in to tell me all about the injustice of what they'd just experienced.

The staff in question does not have a car at camp, so the 15 miles from camp to town would have been a long way to walk. Also, with only 18 staff, it's not possible to "sneak out". I listened to their frustration at the blatant racism and absurdity they'd just encountered, calmed them down and eventually got back to the movie BF and I had paused. When you aren't used to crowds of needy 19 year olds, I'm sure it is overwhelming and annoying, so I appreciated his continued patience with how needed I am.

It's difficult to balance spending quality (not to mention super limited) time with him but still be present for the staff that need me. I think I managed to do so, but it's not easy. I love having people visit camp, but at the same time, it's so much easier to just allow myself to be completely, 100% focused on camp and forget about the rest of the world without bothering to balance. My family and friends have been really understanding of that and tolerate my 3 month absences well. A relationship is different and especially a brand new relationship can't exactly withstand that lapse, but I'm finding myself feeling very divided.

Balance aside, it was a sunny, wonderful, full weekend!

Morning...

12:30am- [phone rings, it’s Assistant Program Director A… never a good thing at 12:30]: “galoshes… laundry room… standing in water… not sure what happened.”

I happen to also be the proud owner of galoshes, so I told her I would put them on and be over in a flash. This is the third night I’ve had to deal with something after midnight. What is going on?!?

Because my knowledge of washing machines ends at putting in detergent, I was really just there for triage. We mopped and swept water for about a half an hour. The laundry room is in the basement of a really old house at camp and the floor is very uneven. So getting the water into the drain required quick feet and brooming skills. We did the best we could, turned on a fan and went to bed. My dad can figure out what is wrong today and the Work Crew can do some more clean-up.

5:00am- Vomit EXPLOSION… all over my bed… very sick dog.

I took him outside, pulled everything off my bed and have been sitting with him on the couch ever since. He looks miserable and I’m not sure what is wrong. I have not yet activated his puppy health insurance as I have only had him 4 weeks (the first of which I wasn't sure I was going to keep him and the other three have been 12-15 hour intense days of training and camp). Also, I don't have one moment of free time today between now and about 4pm. I'm not sure how I will manage to squeeze in a trip to the vet. Also, I hate the vet in this tiny town.

Meanwhile, the other puppy is furious that we woke up early, that I am not paying attention to her and after a short fit, finally managed to calm down when I let her sit in between my laptop that I am currently typing on and my chest.

6:00am- The heavens have opened up for the sixth day in a row. Yesterday and Tuesday, the rain was just a few short bursts throughout the day, but all other days this week we have had to completely alter the schedule. Today is parent day and so I am PRAYING that the rain ends soon. Otherwise the day will include wet parents, wet kids, loading luggage in the rain and a closing program crammed into the dining hall, rather than my brand new fancy stage.

Week one has been a little rough... 9 more to go- let's hope it calms down a bit...

Tears Part 4

Nope, not the last of the tears.

This time it was kids though.

8:45pm, the youngest campers are all in the bathroom area, finishing up showers and bedtime stuff. The nurse comes to get me out of the bathroom where I am monitoring the shower line.

"Counselor J has 4 crying kids."

That was 4 out of 7 eight year old girls.

"I might start crying too" she tells me as I walk by, her panicked face is almost comical except that she was serious.

"Okay, I have a very special secret, who would like to come with me and hear it?" I announce.

That got their attention temporarily and I was able to coax all of them outside and off to their cabin. I didn't have a secret or even a vague idea of what I was going to do with them, but we made it to the cabin, which was a good first step.

I spent the next 40 minutes having them color pictures for their parents while I told them stories about my dogs and the pranks from earlier in the day (even at 8 years old, girls love a little gossip!). I told them the secret was that I had the power to give out very special surprises when there was a particularly brave cabin. If they made it through the night, the same exact time tomorrow, I would come to their cabin with a FABULOUS surprise.

After I had distracted them long enough that they weren't crying, I read them a bedtime story and then tiptoed out of their cabin. I'm not 100% sure they didn't all burst into tears when I left, but I think many of them were asleep, so I'm hoping for the best.

Now I have less than 24 hours to figure out the fabulous surprise. I'm sure I can come up with something.

Tears- Parts 3

Counselor M and her girls went to pull a prank on the boy's cabin. Pranks at camp are BIG. All pranks have to be Director approved, which prevents damage to property, emotions and general mayhem. Pranks are good clean fun. But sometimes they go awry, as it did today.

The boys discovered the girls decorating their cabin with girly hearts and fabric and started yelling and pounding the windows. That's all pretty tame, but the emergency window got knocked out (they aren't glass, so it wasn't a big deal) and there was a lot of screaming. Counselor M was in the middle of the action when it avalanched out of her control and I think it overwhelmed her. On the way back to main camp, the heavens opened up and by the time they made it to the building we were all doing activities in, M was soaked and miserable.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked?

We went to another room and she BURST into tears. M had been on the overnight the night before and was overly tired, feeling bad that the prank had gotten out of control and being wet was the final straw. I managed to calm her down, find her some dry clothes and give her 10 minutes alone to take some deep breaths and re-compose herself.

I told them the first week was overwhelming. A few tears are to be expected, but hopefully these are the last for a while...

Big Bad Director

Apparently I am a very intimidating and terrifying person. I never yell, laugh a lot and spend a lot of time encouraging people, so I'm not sure where I got this reputation.

On the camping trip, one of the tents of boys refused to go to sleep, wouldn't listen to the counselor and so his threat had been, "when we get back you are going to talk to Director".

After lunch, I lead the boys (hanging heads, slumped shoulders, miserable looking) down to the office and said, "do you know why you are here?"

We ended up talking for a full hour about the whole week. They are good boys who were feeling frustrated, not listened to and powerless (similar feelings that their counselor was feeling). We talked a lot about communication, listening, respect and working together as a team.

Near the end of the conversation, I asked, "is there anything else we need to talk about?"

"What is our punishment?" they asked.

I explained that they didn't have a punishment because my goal had been to solve the problem with them, not beat them up over their mistakes.

Later, Program Director S told me, "well, you made quite the impression on those boys." Apparently they had a long discussion about how cool I actually am and that I wasn't scary, didn't yell at them and listened to them. I'm not sure what they'd expected, but I'm glad I could surprise them and win them over.

Lightning

When my phone rings at 2am, it's never good. It's especially bad when we have a group of campers on the overnight adventure (on a separate piece of property about 20 miles away and deep in the forest).

Assistant Program Director A had gone along on this adventure to help the new staff. It was her on the phone.

"Counselor K walkie talkie-d me from the boys campsite and he sees lightning and thinks we need to evacuate."

Um...

I jump out of bed and do some frantic googling about lightning and camping. They couldn't hear thunder and with no sounds, I couldn't calcualte how far away it was from them, but I guessed that meant it was really far.

I definitely didn't want to leave them out and risk anyone beng struck, but I also wasn't thrilled with the idea of bringing them back to camp. Here's why- between the boy's site and girls, there were 18 kids (12-14 years old) all of whom we already asleep at 2am. The camp sites are a mile hike in throug the thick forest. It is hilly and uneven, muddy and even in the daylight is tough walking. The idea of waking them up, telling them to grab their sleeping bags (because we don't really have spare bedding for 18 people) and then marching them through the pitch black seemed like a really bad idea. It would be terrifying, dangerous walking and if someone got separated, it would be terrible.

If any of my staff or kids were in danger, I wouldn't hesitate to turn mother bear and go out and hunt them down in the forest and shield them from danger. But the weather radar showed clear skies and I decided that taking them out of the campsite was a bigger risk. Even if it ended up raining on them, it would be better than a long dark walk at 2 am. So I told them to stay put and go to sleep.

This morning when I woke up, I was relieved to see that it hadn't rained. I picked up a rested (well, not counselor K, but the kids at least) group that was safe, dry and I was thankful I had made a good choice.

Trespassers!

On Sunday night, someone knocked on the door of our oldest girls' cabin. They thought it was the boys, but Monday morning, we discovered that they had been in their cabin and it wasn't likely that it was anyone at camp. Hmmmm....

The lead staff and the counselors whose cabin it was and I all spoke about it and let us know if it happened again. My dad told all of us he wanted to know immediately if anyone heard anything.

11:30pm last night I hear my name over the walkie talkie. "Are you awake?"

Of course... I am always awake at 11:30 because that is when things happen.

The knockers had returned. They pounded on the door, made a yelling noise and then ran into the woods.

I knocked on my dad's bedroom door and whispered, "they knocked on the cabin."

CRASH$^*#*^$^%#BOOM$%#&&^$)%(%&%_!~~~POW!!!#%^&*()*&^%$#

Judging by the noise, I guessed he maybe back flipped or somersaulted out of bed.

A stream of four letter words and threats of death poured out of his mouth as we headed down the pitch black road, flashlights in hand. I gently reminded him that we represented camp and so we could probably solve this less violently than he was describing.

11:45pm, walking down the dark road on a mission to find some trouble makers... typical day at the office, I guess.

We didn't find the assailants, but we did find a nearby cabin with a golf cart in the riveway that matched the description of the one the staff thought they saw on Sunday night.

This morning we went back to the cabin and my dad sat quietly, flexing his muscles and making mean faces as I politely introduced myself to the gentleman who answered the door. I explained that we'd had some trouble the past two nights and didn't want to accuse anyone, but had seen a golf cart like theirs and if we continued to have trespassing incidents, we would be calling the authorities. He let me know that he had 3 teenage boys who'd been out and he didn't know if it was them, but he'd send them by later. I thanked him and left.

About 15 minutes later, three miserable looking boys stood on my porch, heads hanging, shoulders slumped.

"Are you the visitors from last night?" I asked with a smile.

They were and they apologized. I told them we wanted to be friends with our neighbors and they could come by as long as it wasn't after dark. They thanked me for being so cool about it and not pressing charges (apparently they overheard my conversation with their father). I thanked them for coming by.

Hopefully that's the end of late night nonsense for the rest of the summer.

Tears- part 2

Okay, this was a "near tears" incident later in the day, but male staff hold out a little more because 19 and 20 year old guys will do almost anything to avoid crying in front of their 28 year old female boss.

I was in my house, battling my computer when Counselor K walked in. In training, he proved to be one of the strongest, best of my new staff, so when I had to choose one staff to be in a cabin alone this week, I chose him.

He walked in with tears in his eyes, taking a lot of deep breaths, shoulders slumped, and when I said, "how's it going" he just shrugged (a good sign that speaking is going to lead to voice breaking). I offered him a girl scout cookie and had him sit (collapse/deflate would be a more accurate description actually).

This week he has the oldest boys. 7th-9th grade males can be difficult to engage in silly songs and cabin spirit, and while they are actually enjoying themselves, admiring their counselor and trying to emulate him, what is coming out of their mouth is usually kind of sassy and disrespectful.

We talked for a while and there didn't seem to be any major disasters going on, mostly just teen attitude combined with an exhausted, overwhelmed, new counselor. I gave him several suggestions, several phrases that he could use in a discussion I suggested he have with them and by the end, he seemed calmer and less on the verge of tears.

I decided to make it "backwards night" and the older kids went to the showers and went to bed first, giving his group some extra time to talk, and maybe even get to bed a little earlier. I also pulled aside the ringleader of his boys to have a chat.

"On a scale of 1 to 10- 10 being an angel and 1 being a demon spawn, how would you say you have been this week?" I asked.

"Um, like a 5?"

"So by 5, you probably really mean like 3?" I asked.

"Maybeee...."

"And what number do you think you have the potential to be?" I asked?

"11." He said it so earnestly, I believed him (he really is a good kid).

"Okay, well, I need you to be Counselor K's assistant and help him out. You are a natural leader and the others boys will follow you. But leaders can lead positively or negatively and followers will go either way. So you need to start being more of an 11 and less of a 3."

"Can I just be a leader, do I have to be an 'assistant'" he asked.

"'Assistant' is nerdy? [yes]. Okay, definitely not assistant than. Just be unofficially the leader and stay cool but work with me here, okay?"

I've known this kid for a few years and he is a really great kid, and I felt like we were connecting as we were talking. So I am hoping I can guide him in the right direction and use his power to help make Counselor K's job a little easier. We'll see how it goes...

Tears- Part 1

They can't say I didn't warn them they would cry...

During training, I tell staff that there will come a time during the summer that they will cry. I don't do that to scare them, but to let them know it is normal, to come find me and let me help so that they can get through it smoothly. This is an exhausting job. They are with kids 22 hours a day. And kids can be frustrating, annoying, difficult and even when they are being perfect, they are needy and require absolute focus. Add to that being away from home, family, friends and real life for 3 months and you have an intense experience that nothing else compares. It also makes for amazing growth, learning and life changing development, which is great, but no one ever said that was easy!

First tears of the summer- Monday, 1:37pm.

I went to the beach to help ease some of the chaos of the first day (all campers need to be swim tested and it can get a little hectic). I had been with them for approximately 3 minutes, I counted them, put them into buddy pairs and asked how many kids were on the list. 21. Hmmmm. I counted 20 kids. Why are those numbers different?

When I asked Counselor J that question, she stared at me with a look of terror and confusion and said, "I don't know."

Wrong answer.

I asked her and counselor E if they had stopped at the entrance to the beach road to count the kids and take attendance.

Nope.

So we don't really know if we have 20 or 21.

Okkkk...

I was being very nice, patient, calm. I knew that no one was dead in the water or anything awful, but I wanted to figure out why we were "missing" a kid. I took the clipboard and started asking each child his or her name and checking them off. When I turned around midway through, Counselor J was sobbing hysterically.

"Go around the corner and compose yourself." I said (still calm, still nice, a little shocked at her reaction, but knowing her even just 9 days, not really surprised).

After figuring out there was a typo and one kid was on the list twice, I went to deal with the crier (I don't really deal with tears super well...).

"Ok [soothing voice]. Are you okay?" (Judging by her face, you would think I had beat her regularly. Since when am I scary?!?)

"I was just so terrified someone was hurt and I don't want you to think I'm terrible at my job and I am so sorry and I just don't want you to be mad...." Begging for her life is the best way to describe her.

"Whoa. Calm down. First of all, we knew no one was in the water yet. I'm glad you took the emergency procedures and importance of safety part of training so seriously, but it was just a typo, so no need to panic. Second, if it was an emergency, remember, we have to stay calm and just be logical. Today is the first day, you are doing well. Don't worry. We just have to remember to count and match names to faces. You are doing fine [still soothing], I'm not mad, I don't get mad very often. I'm not so scary you need to panic."

I didn't roll my eyes at the nonsense that was that WHOLE situation until I was far far away. But seriously?!?!

Today Can Suck It

Ordinarily, while I play and laugh and frolic through the woods with campers, soaking in the sun and loving life, I think of my poor friends and family whose jobs are nothing compared to my personal paradise.

And then there are days like today. Today can suck it. That's really the most articulate way to sum it up.

Yesterday was the first day of camp. The bus was late in leaving and by the time it finally arrived, we were an hour behind schedule. I do NOT like to wait. Patience is not really my best quality. And I have felt behind and frantic since they arrived. Deep breaths and soothing pauses are not helping me find inner peace and balance, so I've just been running around like a crazy person for the last 24 hours.

The first day is always a little crazy. The kids don't know what is going on the first two days so it always takes a little while to get them acclimated. And the first week is always terrible because the staff are like baby horses learning to walk. They seem to understand the concepts we spend 9 days training them on, but actually putting them into practice is a little wobbly.

As I have done each summer, I have improved the schedule, but I am not yet used to the changes, so I am feeling a little out of sorts as well. Consequently, the sign-ups for the individual camper activities did not go as smoothly as usual, so I was working until late last night and frantically finishing them this morning. 10:52am I printed and photo copied them, 10:55am campers and staff gathered at the flag to divide into the activities. A little closer than I usually wait.

It was a moot point though, because right at that moment, the heavens opened up and I was concerned there would be a need for an Ark the way the rain was pouring down. Ugh.

These things wouldn't be so terrible except that I am currently experiencing a variety of technological problems that are making me so frustrated, I want to scream. My computer got a virus about a month ago and has just gotten worse and worse no matter what I download to fix it. I have to keep restarting and so answering the barrage of emails, updating the camp blog and photos, as well as emailing my boyfriend and checking facebook are not possible. The inability to do those things is making me anxious and crazy. I also can't get wireless internet connection in the office, even though everyone else can, so I have to carry my computer back and forth from there to my house (in the rain and in between restarting it). Oh, and for some reason my brand new, military grade, $300 walkie talkie isn't working after 2 days.

Is it the weekend yet?

Dogs and Frogs

11:30pm, last night. After a very long, exhausting first day of camp, I let the dogs out one last time before I could fall into bed. After a few minutes of hanging out and not going potty like mommy wanted, I went outside to drag them in.

As I walked outside, I must have spooked a very large (like the size of my fist) toad. When Olivia saw it, she became a wild animal hunter and attempted to go after it. Just as I grabbed her, shouting, "no!" Griffin pounced and had the entire thing in his mouth. The thought of one of my babies eating a giant toad is gross and awful, but I also remembered something about toads possibly being poisonous, so of course I was frantically trying to get it away from him. However, after less than 10 seconds of having it in his mouth, Griffin spit it out and started foaming at the mouth.

Panicked, I ran inside to do a quick google and, yes, some toads are poisonous, some just have really bitter skin to deter predators. Without actually seeing it, I didn't know which we were dealing with, so I dragged Griffin over to the hose and started flushing his mouth out like the website had said to do.

Standing in the dark, yelling at Olivia to stop looking for the toad, yelling at Griffin to let me spray out his mouth, soaking wet, muddy, frantic, with two wet muddy dogs... a perfect end to the day...

(epilogue- Griffin is fine, so I don't think it was the poison kind)

And Away We Go...

Training ended yesterday afternoon.

The Lead Staff and I have given them as much as we can and now it will be up to them to put it all together and make it through the first week.

Staff training was thorough, very hands on and covered a lot of ground. I don't brag often, but I can't deny- I know how to put together a top notch staff training. That said, there's only so much we can do to prepare them- some of it just has to be experienced first hand. It makes the first week a little bumpy for some, but overall, I am sure that they will all be fine and fall into the rhythm of camp.

I am nervous for campers to arrive. It's not a new feeling and I know that as soon as they've arrived and are circled up on the field for introductions, I will go back to being calm and enjoying myself. Until then, the magnitude of being responsible for little lives (and older ones too), for the reputation of the camp, for staff development, for my own future career... it will fill me with anxiety and make me wonder why I don't have a comfortable office job where I could take breaks at a water cooler, punch out at the end of the day and never have to worry about water safety, fire safety, emotional well being or the personal development of the 90 or so 7-22 year olds for whom I am responsible.

Until then... I plan to relax, eat more candy than I should, possibly go for a run, but mostly just sit and do nothing while I still can.

YES!!

Prior to fleeing our campsite last night, as we sat around the fire, I asked the staff, "so, 5 days in, is this what you expected?"

Several people talked about how they had been nervous about meeting everyone, if they would fit in, feel welcome, be able to learn all the activities. Some talked about being nervous about what camp facilities would be like, the food, the showers, etc.

I'm their boss, and they are all still a bit nervous and not entirely comfortable with me yet, so no one said anything negative. They all said they were enjoying themselves so far and they were excited for the summer ahead.

And then one of the counselors shared one of the best comments I've heard in a long time- the kind of comment that makes every exhausting day, every bit of hard work worth the effort. A comment that gives meaning to my job and meaning to the dedication I have for this camp.

"I am surprised at how I would react to things you have asked us to do. I didn't realize it would be so easy to try new things. I didn't know what a positive and encouraging environment it would be and how being here makes you feel like you can do anything."

YES.

That. That is the magic of camp.

It is the reason camp is different than other youth programs, school, home. Camp is more than just activities or a place to send kids to keep them occupied for a week.

Camp magic is an energy that is created by combining kindness, enthusiasm, creativity, positive attitude and fun. That energy surrounds the campers (and staff too) filling them with courage, self confidence and excitement. It gives them the power to let go of their inhibitions, to overcome intimidation, and to believe in themselves.

My staff are experiencing that power first hand and I can literally see them blossoming in front of me. It is a beautiful and amazing thing to witness.

Tornado Warning

I am supposed to be asleep in a tent right now. Instead, I am cuddled on the couch in my living room.

Tonight was the staff overnight camping trip. Our oldest campers go on an overnight adventure, so it is necessary to take the staff out to the site, practice setting up tents, cooking over the fire and experiencing what they will do with the kids. Many were excited, a few were nervous, one had never been in a tent, and I was mostly dreading it. I don't mind camping- in fact, when the weather is right, it's really fun. But sleeping on the ground, sharing a tent with two dogs and ending a busy, exhausting week with a night of mediocre sleep was just not at the top of my list of desirable ways to spend the night.

However, once we got packed, loaded into the vans, arrived at the site, made the mile hike in and everyone (including the two dogs) was settled in, I was really enjoying myself. The weather was warm, but also really windy, which was great for keeping the bugs away. I was comfortable in shorts and a tee shirt. We got tents set up, a fire started and a big pile of firewood collected in record time. Dinner was great and everyone was enjoying themselves.

And then it got dark. Not because it was the night and the sun went down, it was only 7pm ish when the clouds came. With the darkness came rumbling thunder. I was trying to have a positive attitude- "it's not going to rain! Don't worry!"

It was pretty clearly going to rain, but I was trying to be tough, outdoorsy, camp director-ish. I didn't want to tell everyone to pack up and leave because of a few raindrops. And so we continued to ignore the thunder and clouds and pretend the weather was perfect.

At 8pm, I got a text message from my boyfriend, followed by a phone call from my mother- both letting me know the entire state was under a tornado warning. As I stood off in the distance, talking on the phone, I was watching my staff. They have been following me and doing everything I have said without hesitation or question all week. "Tip your canoe into freezing water" check. "Act silly and ridiculous in front of everyone" check. "Head out into the woods despite storm predictions" check. "Sing songs, hang out and ignore obvious signs of severe weather" check.

I don't think of myself as powerful and 90% of the time I am doing my job, it all comes naturally, staff and kids do what they are supposed to and there's no thinking involved. But every now and then, the enormity of just how much responsibility I have hits and it terrifies me. And so as I looked over at my staff, a group of people who have put their trust in me that I will lead them wisely, I knew that packing up and leaving the camping trip early wasn't about me not wanting to get wet or sleep on the ground, but because there was potential danger ahead. We've been talking all week about how safety comes first, so it was time to put that into practice.

I got off the phone and told them that they didn't need to panic, but there was a tornado warning and we needed to pack up and leave quickly. The weather didn't bring an actual tornado, but the whirlwind of tearing down and packing up tents and gear was quite a sight to see! 5 minutes- that is not an exaggeration and everything was packed and we were on our way out of the woods. I think everyone agreed that if we weren't staying to tough it out against the rain, then we wanted to avoid getting wet altogether- which meant we had to work fast to beat the approaching clouds.

Just as we threw the last pack in the van, the rain began and continued as we drove back to camp. I was happy to be warm and dry inside a van. Persevering in tough situations is honorable, but there is no reason to end the exhausting week and head into an even more intense week ahead with a wet, tired, crabby group.

Tonight will not just be peaceful because I am in a bed, out of the elements, but also because I made the right decision for my group.

Bitten, Bruised, Soaking Wet

me-"so, does anyone have any questions?"

counselor- "this is unrelated to what we are doing, but I was just wondering, does the sun ever come out at camp?!"

It has rained every day since the staff arrived. The hot, sunny weather of May was a tease- rainy, wet camp is back. I am sick of being inside, modifying activities, having wet feet, wet hair, wet clothes, wet dogs. And it's only Wednesday...

This afternoon, we tipped canoes, which is a necessary emergency procedure, and actually really fun when the weather is nice. It wasn't raining when we were on the lake, but the water was freezing. I was not looking forward to going in, but luckily Program Director S and I have tipped and un-tipped many times before and so our demonstration went very quickly.

Getting back into a canoe once you've gone into the lake isn't a graceful act. You have to push yourself up with your arms, swing your legs onto the side of the canoe and then throw your body inside. Because of that, the majority of the staff (myself included) have bruises on our arms and legs. I have a pretty good sized bruise on the inside of my upper thigh (such an unfortunate place to bruise) as well as on the back of my forearm.

Soaking wet, bruised, and my legs look like I have the chicken pox. Yes, I have bed bugs. Not fleas, lice, chiggers, spider bites... I know- I've been doing some googling. My mattress is pretty new and I wash my sheets every week, so I am more than a little crabby about the situation. I ordered some spray to kill them, but until then, my plan is to flip the mattress over and hope the bed bugs travel slower than Fed Ex.

Overall training is going well! The staff are working hard, being creative, energetic and I'm excited about the group. Hopefully we will have a chance to dry out and heal up before campers arrive.

Staff Training- Day 1

Four LONG days of lifeguard training, followed by another loooonnnnngggg day of CPR/First Aid training with the rest of the staff and I was drained. Staff training is my favorite week of the year, but I went into it this year feeling exhausted and a little nervous.

Staff training is eight days, 12 hours per day, filled with nonstop activity. It is the time to teach staff everything they will need to know from how to lead activities to emergency procedures to helping a kid cope with homesickness. And as if that wasn't important enough, it is also the chance for me to take 18 strangers and turn them into best friends, teammates, a family, a cohesive unit that will live, play and work together 24/7 for the next 3 months.

I have started staff training the same way for the past several years- singing songs and playing silly name games. It is the way we begin the week with the kids as well. It is the perfect way to break the ice, get comfortable with each other and let loose.

When I woke up this morning, I was still feeling exhausted, not fully prepared and actually kind of dreading the day ahead of me. We all gathered together in a circle and I gave the same speech as always- "if you don't sing and dance with the group, I will make you do it on your own..." and then I began, "THIS IS A REPEAT AFTER ME SONG!!!!!! THERE WAS A GREAT BIG MOOSE..."

And with those words, my exhaustion faded, my face lit up with a smile and I officially began my 11th summer of camp. It's good to be back!

Responsibilities

It has been a WHIRLWIND of people and activity and I'm exhausted. Training hasn't even officially begun.

Today there were so many things going on and as I took it all in, I realized that I was responsible for all of it.

The chain gang was back, busy with clearing brush, creating and hauling wood chips and making camp look less like a jungle. I am grateful and excited every time I see them. I am so happy we got involved with them because we have made SO much progress.

A and S were working on a variety of projects- painting, organizing and beautifying camp.

The boys were busy cleaning and hauling things around camp. A and S were watching over them and keeping them busy with a list I'd created.

My dad was busy with several projects that need to be done before camp, as well as cutting the grass and keeping all of the staff supplied with painting supplies and other tools.

While all of that was going on, I was with the other boys training them to be lifeguards. I am very happy with the fact that I can train my own staff and not have to worry about budgeting or scheduling trainings with the Red Cross, but to be tied up all day for the four days before training begins when so much activity is going on around me is sort of stressful.

More than anything though, it's really exciting to see so much progress happening every day. I am excited and proud to be part of it and gladly accept the responsibility that comes along with it.

Terrifying

Bulldogs don't swim.


Bulldogs are too dense and they will sink like a rock.

Before I adopted Olivia, I read all the books and read that fact, several breeders reminded me of that fact, and one time last summer, Olivia went a little too far into the water and while her head didn't go under, I definitely had to grab her and haul her closer to shore.

Olivia loves the water and goes to the swimming beach all the time. However, she seems to have a good sense of the fact that she can't swim and she is very cautious. I rarely worry about her when it comes to the water.

Griffin is new to camp and so I have been keeping a close eye on him. He stays close to me all the time, so I'm no longer concerned he will run away or get lost. We've been to the beach a few times and he seemed to like the water but was also being fairly cautious.

Until today...


I took the lifeguard students to the beach to practice some skills. Griffin came with us. Counselor N jumped off the end of the dock and, to my absolute SHOCK, Griffin jumped right in after him. The water at the end of the dock is about 4 feet- not super deep but certainly higher than a little bulldog.


Bulldogs sink.


Bulldogs (or at least this bulldog) don't attempt to dog paddle and don't float at all. They just sink to the bottom of the lake, eyes wide in terror as they hit the bottom. I screamed in horror for N to grab him, which he did quickly- his first save and he's not even an official lifeguard yet.

I don't think Griffin took in any water because he didn't cough or struggle when N put him on the dock. He looked scared and I was TRAUMATIZED as I imagined him sinking. I hope this means he will be more cautious in the future.

Youth Development

A week ago, a high school freshmen girl in one of the YMCA programs I volunteer with committed suicide. She had been in the program 2 years- I didn't know her well, but of the 110 participants (not all of whom I know by name), I knew her, have known her older brother for 4 years and when I heard she had died, I was surprised and sad.

When I found out she had killed herself, I was shocked. She was a strong leader in the group, bright, beautiful, and one of those kids who was clearly going places. At 15, she appeared to have it all.

As details came out, it turns out her mother has been in a coma for almost a year, her sister ran away from home, and she was feeling a lot of pressure to step in and take care of the house, her family, etc. The more I have heard, the more I haven't been able to stop thinking about how heartbreaking this whole situation is. Any time a kid dies, especially suicide, it is tragic and painful to hear. I'm sad, but more than that, I'm frustrated.

A week after she died, I joined the memorial group for her on facebook. Over 1000 people had already joined. How is it that a kid can feel so alone, helpless, desperate and sad that she takes her own life and less than a week later 1000 people, some close friends, some strangers, come together to express their love for her and their grief over her loss? Where was everyone a week ago?!? How is it possible that many people care and yet, she felt like she was totally alone? And how many other kids are out there who are just like her? How many kids feel like they want to die while being completely unaware of 1000 people around them??

But I am one of those 1000 people who is a week too late in expressing my care. And while of course I would have helped if I had known, the reality is, as someone who was not part of her daily life, who wasn't close to her or her family, there's not much that I could have done in this situation. And yet, that is what has been on my mind the most.

I work with literally hundreds kids in a variety of youth development programs. I have close relationships with some, but with the majority of them, I play the same role in their lives that I did with this kid. I'm an adult that cares, that is willing to help, that works in youth development specifically because I want to be a resource to kids. And yet, I'm really just a face in the crowd. 1 of 1000 people who exist somewhere in the background of their lives.

I'm an idealist, an optimist, someone who believes in hope and the possibility of making a difference. And yet, I am realistic enough to know that of the vast number of kids I work with, most of them won't be personally affected by me. I'm fine with that, but I can't stop wondering if there is something I could do or say that would stick in their minds enough to prevent this situation from happening. Of 1000 people, some of us need to stand out in a way that isn't a week too late. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm going to keep thinking about it. 15 year olds shouldn't be dying for no reason.

City Kids in the Woods

This was an actual conversation that went on between two of my staff.

Setting- Assistant Program Director A driving four of our new counselors into town, early evening. The four counselors arrived from California on Tuesday.

A- Hey guys, help me watch out for deer that might run out on this road. This is the time of day they are out and about.

Counselor B- If you have to watch out for deer, don't you also have to watch out for tigers.

A- WHAT?

B- Any time I've ever seen deer running, it's always because they are being chased by a tiger.

A- WHAT? Like on National Geographic? Do you mean antelope? And are you talking about in Africa??!?!

B- I don't know.

A- We don't have any tigers here! We're in the north woods.

Counselor J to B- Wait, is that why you were afraid to walk to the cabin alone yesterday?!?!

So we aren't going to have Counselor B teaching nature any time this summer...

The Chain Gang

Recently someone I know offhandedly mentioned that I should get in contact with the county office that is in charge of community service because they could send some people out to camp to work off their debt to society.

The coordinator came out 2 weeks ago to meet with me and see our site. He added us to the list but wasn't sure they would be able to make it out to camp before the beginning of our season. I said that was fine, I would be happy with having some help in the fall too. I was just excited by the prospect of having a group out to work.

The very next day, he arrived with a group and said, "we only have a few hours but we thought we could do some work." Awesome! They were at camp for three hours but cleared an immense amount of brush and wood off of the paths and around the cabins. A few days later, they were back again, this time with an industrial wood chipper and more guys. They worked hard and by the end of the day, I couldn't believe my eyes!

Today the chain gang was back! They had brush saws and worked all day clearing, spreading wood chips and making camp look beautiful. At the end of the day, my dad and I walked around camp and I nearly burst into tears.

Three years ago, I walked around this camp, also in tears, taking in piles and piles of garbage, broken appliances, years of neglect, not to mention the overgrown jungle of trees. I believed that with enough hard work, the camp could be beautiful and since that time, I have remained optimistic and dedicated, committed to the vision of a well cared for camp. But there have been moments of doubt and feelings of discouragement because sometimes it seems that no amount of hard work is enough to make noticeable progress.

In the last few weeks, every time I walk around camp, I am in awe of how different it looks. We have made tremendous progress and I am eager for returning campers, staff, volunteers and parents to see the changes. There is still more to do, there will always be more to do, but I feel so proud and so happy when I look around. The desire for this feeling is what kept me motivated through so many struggles. I knew it would be a wonderful experience and I am eager to continue our momentum and see just how far we can take this camp.

It wasn't just the chain gang who made this possible (although my dad and I agree that beers are on us and, hey, feel free to drive home, we'll see you next season...). Many people have contributed to the success we are seeing. Generous financial support, volunteers and friends of camp- many who have been around much longer than me make this place possible. For me personally, nearly every person in my life has been part of this camp in some way or another- some people who have come to camp and physically cleaned, organized, helped build. Some who have mentored me, offering advice, suggestions, and giving me guidance that I desperately needed. Some who have donated- money, wish list items, and many many who have supported me from a distance, offering words of encouragement, care packages, fun mail, treats and more than anything, strength to persevere.

Camp has brought me to my knees in frustration, exhaustion and utter madness more than once (and I know those moments will come again). But as I look at where we are right now, it all feels worth it.

Crazy Dog Lady

Olivia is my baby. I question whether I will ever have a real baby because I'm not sure I could ever love another living thing as much as I love her. And if I do love a real baby as much, or even more, I think my heart might actually explode. In the nearly two years I have had her, I have spent a small fortune (I could have had a new car for what I've spent), shaped my life around her every waking need and pretty much gone completely over the edge of "crazy dog lady."

Olivia is very social and loves other dogs. At home, we go to play times, the dog park, I have friends over who have dogs, she goes to puppy daycare, and she gets lots of playing time. She loves camp and the attention from kids, but I can't help but notice her looks of longing when dogs pass by with their owners while out for afternoon walks.

In addition to looking lonely, even I can admit, Olivia is a spoiled brat. My darling precious baby angel, yes, but also a cliche only child who throws tantrums when she doesn't get her way. So obviously there is only one solution-Olivia needs a baby brother.

I have been talking with breeders and thinking about another puppy, however, I would also like to put in $4000 worth of insulation in my house this fall, and it's kind of an either/or situation. I could rescue a puppy from the pound, but my obsession with bullies is just too much to consider that.

Last week, one of the breeders I had been talking to called me and told me of another breeder (F) who had a 13 month old puppy who needed a home. F wanted to show the puppy but it wasn't working out. Additionally, F had gotten into a fight with the owner of the stud dog and she wouldn't sign the papers, so this puppy was a purebred, but couldn't be sold for full price because it didn't have papers. I love a bargain, so I called him up and we agreed to meet.

I wouldn't have made a special trip to the city just to see a puppy. I happened to be coming home to pick up four staff from the airport, so it worked out. BF came with me and we brought Olivia to meet the puppy.

Puppy needs eye surgery and needed some serious grooming, but was friendly, goofy and Olivia didn't hate him. By the end of the 30 minute visit, Olivia wasn't exactly jumping for joy, but she was crabby about leaving camp, tired from a long drive, out of sorts being in a new place, and I figured she'd be okay once we got home. F told me I could take the puppy for a few weeks and if it didn't work out, I could bring him back.

I bought my puppy a puppy.

I'm not sure I really want a second dog. Twice the money, twice the dog hair and slobber, twice the work... But I want Olivia to have a best friend, someone to keep her company and play with all the time. So if she likes him, I will gladly have a second dog. If not, I will have to take him back. We'll see how it goes once we get back to camp tomorrow.

A Three Hour Tour...

Yesterday, BF and I had a wonderful, perfect, magical day at camp. We started the day with pancakes, took a long boat ride around the lake and soaked in the sun, went to a very cute little wine shop and did a tasting, watched a few episodes of "Sopranos" on DVD (we've been making our way through the series for the past few months and still have two seasons left), relaxed, ate good food and enjoyed every minute of being together.

Today, we planned to do the same.

We weren't hungry when we woke up, so we decided to head out on the boat for a little ride and then come back and have a big breakfast. Our little ride ended up being a bit further than we'd originally planned, but the sky looked really gray and so we were trying to enjoy being outside before the rain came.

We had been in the boat about 30 minutes when it made a funny noise and shut off.

Um...

Weird.

Turn it back on.

*click*

Nothing.

Um...

Several thoughts went through my head.

1. I had just recently finished typing the "pre-trip" checklist staff are supposed to go through prior to taking the boat out. Why didn't I use that before we left? I'm quite certain neither of us checked the gas tank...

2. If in fact we are out of gas, what exactly is our emergency action plan? We are in the middle of nowhere, no other boats in sight and I didn't bring my cell phone.

3. WHY DIDN'T I BRING MY CELL PHONE??? I bring my cell phone to the bathroom when I brush my teeth, why didn't I bring it on a boat?!?!

4. Let's say I had my cell phone- who would I call? My dad is out of town and S&A, my two staff at camp don't have another boat, so what would they be able to do??

5. Stupid junky camp, stupid run down boat. What's wrong with this stupid thing now, I thought that our boat guy from in town checked this thing out before we launched it!! Obviously this is not my fault, I am a victim of a junky boat.

It turns out we did in fact, run out of gas.

The BF and I haven't been in a stressful situation yet. Past boyfriends would have yelled or freaked out. I was relieved and impressed that BF was calm and good natured through the whole thing. He was mad at himself for not checking the gas, but overall, we handled it in the same way- mildly amused, sort of annoyed that we were stuck and sort of unsure of what to do, but mostly just an easy going, "what are ya gonna do?" attitude.

We anchored the boat so we wouldn't drift into the weeds and then we sat calmly, discussing our options. We used his phone to call a mutual friend and ask him to facebook message my staff, explaining our situation and asking them to call BF's phone and help us. I wasn't sure if they would check their email and if they did, what exactly they would be able to do, but it was a start.

As we sat, hoping for another boat to pass, it started to lightly drizzle and that's when my patience for sitting around ended. I could see a dock, with a boat about 400 feet away. It was completely alone, no cabin in sight, and it looked sort of abandoned, but were pretty sure the dock must lead somewhere, like a road, so it was better than being stuck on the lake. There was also potential that the boat would work and we could borrow it.

BF didn't like the idea of me swimming. He offered to go, but I'm a lifeguard and he's not much of a swimmer, so I didn't like that idea either and we were at an impasse, neither of us wanting the other to go. At that point, it was raining and cold, so it was okay since neither of us was eager to jump in and swim to the abandoned dock without much of a plan.

When you pull the anchor up, the boat moves as you pull the rope, so I suggested that if we pulled in the anchor with force, the momentum would propel us forward and then we could throw the anchor out, pull it in, over and over until we go to the dock. BF was skeptical about the idea, but agreed to try.

30 throws, 30 pulls later BF was out of breath and exhausted, but we go to the dock. We grabbed the gas tank and headed into the woods and towards the sound of the road. We came out about 5 miles from camp and began walking down the highway. About 100 yards into our walk, a nice couple pulled over and asked us where we had come from and where we were going. When we told them camp, they let us know it was a ways away and asked if we would like a ride.

When we arrived back at camp, there was a power outage, so the staff had not seen our facebook plea for help, but it was probably better, because I still wasn't sure what they would have done. We filled the tank with gas and then they drove us back to the road we'd come out of. With a full tank of gas, the boat ran like a dream and we were back to the camp beach in no time.

Our 30 minute boat ride had turned out to be a three hour adventure, but it was a good experience to see how we deal with a crisis together. I have a tendency to get into situations like that- I don't try, but things like that just happen. So it was a good test to see how BF would react. He was wonderful, so I'll add that to the list of reason why he's a major catch...

BF Goes to Camp

My boyfriend is coming, my boyfriend is coming! Two weeks is a long time to go without seeing someone I adore as much as I do my boyfriend, but he's coming for a visit this weekend and I can't wait!

When we first started dating, some of his friends were excited to hear about camp. They encouraged him to date me at least long enough so that they could come to camp and hang out. So in late April, about 6 of us came to the woods for a weekend of fun. It was rainy and cold, but we still had a campfire, played some games, ate good food and enjoyed the weekend. Apparently I had made camp out to be rougher than it is because during that visit, BF shared his relief that it wasn't so bad after all and he was looking forward to more visits... a good sign for sure!

It has been sunny and warm and very summery these past two weeks, so I am looking forward to taking a boat ride, swimming and hanging out with my boyfriend. S and A (the Assistant Program Director) are excited to meet him because every other sentence begins with, "oh that reminds me of something my dreamy BF said..." Luckily I'm the boss and they have to smile and nod and enjoy my stories.

Now I will spend the next few hours bouncing around, driving my staff crazy and waiting, waiting, waiting....

One Week

Program Director S and I have been here a week and there is very little to write about.

Camp looks beautiful.

Organizing, programming and everything else is going well- smooth, easy, fun.

I feel confident about the summer ahead.

This is my third summer and S's fourth. She is one of only a few other people who truly understand how far this camp has come in that amount of time and just how difficult it has been.

Three years ago we spent every single day, all day, desperately attempting to make this place look like a camp instead of the backside of a trailer park. In my mind, I could imagine it beautiful, but hours and hours of hard work did little to actually make a dent in the workload. It is a pleasure to be able to work along side of her just three years later and be able to spend the days painting pretty, colorful signs and decorations, plan fun programs and get excited for a wonderful summer ahead.

I've been here one week and no tears yet- a promising start.

Camp+ Relationship=???

Camp is like a roller coaster- sometimes arms are up and you are lost in joy, elation, enjoying the ride, other times you are holding on for dear life, just praying to make it through. There's no time to think, to live your real life, for personal time or breaks- you must be completely present for the kids and the staff. It is a wonderful, exhausting, life changing ride, but it is also 3 month pause in real life, at the end of which I find myself shaking my head thinking, "was that a dream or did I really just live through that whirlwind???"

4 months ago I began dating a wonderful guy, and while I'm taking this relationship one day at a time, not getting ahead of myself or allowing the excitement of new romance to cloud my judgement, I will admit that I can very easily imagine a future together.

Which makes leaving for camp this summer a little scary. It's a 3 hour drive, but city life and camp are worlds apart. The BF and I have pretty much been together every evening since we started dating, so adjusting to seeing each other every few weeks will be different. If the situation was reversed, I'm not sure how easy going I would be about him leaving. Luckily for me, he is a much more understanding person than I am and he is not worried.

Camp is my life, so it's important that my relationship is able to fit in with my lifestyle. I know that if we make it through the next 4 months, our relationship will be stronger and the future I keep imagining will be a possibility. I also know that if it doesn't work out, as sad as I will be, it just means that it was never going to work out anyway. But I really like him. A lot. So the thought of that makes me anxious and sad and apprehensive about heading off to the woods. I'm trying to be zen-like, but I really don't want to lose my boyfriend this summer.

Catching Up, Moving Forward

For three years, I've been trying to catch up. "Catching up" is my least favorite thing. I am not the kind of person who falls behind; I don't procrastinate; I always get things done ahead of time.

When I arrived at camp that first year, I walked from building to building, making my "to do" list. By the end of my tour, I was overwhelmed, whimpering, crying and the list was so long I wasn't sure what to do. There were piles of broken furniture, garbage, the grounds were overgrown and covered in downed trees and brush. S, J and I cleaned 12 hours a day for a full month and we didn't even make a dent in the list. That whole summer, I had parent after parent make comments about how run down camp looked and everyone who came to camp had "helpful" suggestions about what I should do to fix it up.

Three years later, it's a different camp. It's still 63 years old and in need of some major remodeling. It's not perfect by any means, but the garbage and junk is gone, all gone. Everything has a place (with labels, shelves and bins), we've taken down random bushes and weeds and trees and moved the random piles of wood to orderly stacks. It's clean, neat, and taken care of. It's what it should have been three years ago.

Very few people can fully appreciate how far we've come. It took three years to get it to bare minimum (clean and safe). It's easy to take for granted that things are the way they are because that's the way the are supposed to be. If you look at a fire pit and it has big, heavy rocks that make up the circle, it's easy to assume it's always been there. That's how all fire pits are, so there's nothing special about it. But when you've personally moved every single rock, you understand the blood, sweat and pain that went towards creating it and you never ever take for granted that things just happen. I have personally touched every corner of this camp and every inch is the way it is because of long hours of thought, planning and effort. I am immensely proud of this camp, regardless of the fact that there are so few to share that understanding.

We've now begun the process of moving forward, improving and adding to camp. And that is so exciting, so rewarding and 99% why I pushed through the difficult times. We're adding new programming areas (a slingshot range last year, a tomahawk range and several other small things this year), building a stage at the fire pit, putting up colorful signs, new picnic tables and small touches that are beautiful, interesting and memorable to kids. Even without very much funding, the sky is the limit in how creative I can be in additions. My dad is incredibly talented and has been using a small amount of materials and tools to make major changes.

We are still very much in the process of turning this camp around. We still have a long way to go before I can stand with pride and say that everything is exactly the way it should be or the way I want it to be. But I feel like we've made it over some major hurdles and will be able to gain some significant momentum in the near future. It is an incredible feeling to have had a role in the progress and I am more excited for summer than ever before.

When I began my career, my mentor K asked me what I ultimately wanted to do. I said I eventually wanted to be the director of a well run resident camp. I wanted it to have a long and rich history, but I also wanted a challenge, wanted to be able to make improvements and wanted to have a role in helping it grow. I wasn't sure if there was a camp out there with that combination, but I have learned that I need to be careful what I wish for. I wanted a challenge...

Kayaking...

For some reason (maybe it has to do with center of gravity), males have a difficult time kayaking. I think I could probably stand up straight and bounce around in a kayak without issue, but every year, at least one or two of the male staff roll into the water.

The mission trip kids wanted to try out kayaking and so this afternoon, myself, 2 girls and 2 guys headed out to have a relaxing afternoon paddle. None of them had kayaked before, but after a short lesson they seemed ready to go... except D. D is a 250, 6'4 football player. He looked terrified and was so unstable I wanted to tell him to get out of the kayak and go do something else. But he really wanted to go, and after a little practice, he seemed to have the hang of it.

Until we got across the lake. Just as I started thinking, "wow! He's really got it!" I watched him, in slow motion, roll to the left and then into the water. It was a sunny day, but around 50 degrees and the water is still recently-thawed-ice-cold April temperature. I heard him gasp and could see the look of shock on his face as he bobbed in the water.

I managed to keep him calm as I attempted to talk him through re-entering the kayak. Unfortunately, between his SUPER long legs, heavy jeans and sweatshirt and frigid water, he was having a REALLY hard time. We were near the shore and so I had him swim to shore, as I dragged the swamped kayak back. When we got to shore, I had the other boy (a cross country runner in school) run the mile back to camp with the instructions, "don't freak everyone out. Just get my dad and have him come with the truck."

D took off all of his clothes (except his shorts) and ran back and forth. He was miserably cold, but I was reasonably sure he wasn't at risk for hypothermia. My dad arrived in under 10 minutes. D sat in the truck and warmed up while the rest of us loaded the kayaks and sat in the back while we drove back to camp.

I wouldn't have let him kayak across the lake unless I was reasonably sure he would make it- I really didn't think that was going to happen. But it all turned out okay, so I guess it was a good adventure...

49er Miner

My dad is the Pied Piper of children and teens.

He claims that he likes living alone at camp and that all these kids are loud and obnoxious. He likes to portray himself as a crabby old man in the woods. Except that kids always love him, flock to him and he is always ready with facts about rocks or stories or something interesting in his pocket.

At camp, kids refer to him as "the Handyman."

As in, "we have a problem with bees! Let's get the handyman, he'll know what to do!"

My dad also goes to Alaska every year to pan for gold and will talk to anyone he can about gold mining.

Sometime yesterday, chaperon C decided to hide a medallion somewhere at camp and today he gave the kids their first clue (it was rhyming verses, which makes him a natural camp person!). The kids were mildly excited and spent a little time discussing their theories about where it could be. That is until my dad found out there was a clue. My dad LOVES treasure hunting. When he heard there was something hidden, his eyes lit up and he literally ran to find the clue.

He was sure he knew where it was and went running across camp to figure it out. At which point the kids went from mildly interested to totally captivated. They followed him as he went to several areas of camp and named him 49er- miner.

When C gave out the second clue, my dad was not in the area. The kids looked at the clue, and then said, "we're gonna wait for 49er-miner before we go look! He'll know where it is!" And when he arrived, they rushed to him and eagerly gave him the clue.

No one has found the medallion yet, but he is convinced he knows where it is and all of the kids are sure he is right. We'll see if day light helps their search tomorrow...

A Lotta Living

The whole group was sitting around the campfire playing the game, "Would You Rather". Each card has questions that ask people to decide between scenarios and then explain why they answered that way.

The question was, "would you rather have 9 lives or 3 wishes (without being able to wish for more wishes or for more lives). The kids all answered 9 lives, while the other chaperon (C) and I both said 3 wishes.

One of the boys said, "hmmmm, that must be an age thing. Like, once you get to a certain age and have lived a lot, maybe more lives aren't that important anymore."

(Side note to this story, both C and I are under 30) We looked at each other and burst out laughing. "Yep, once you have lived as long as us old folks, it's just exhausting to think about having more lives."

My ten year high school reunion is this summer and apparently that's a lotta livin'...

Progress

This week, 8 students from my high school are spending the week volunteering at camp. It's only Monday night and already they have gotten SOOOO much done. I am in disbelief and totally thrilled at all they have been able to do.

3 years ago, I arrived to camp, fresh faced, excited and ready to live out my dream job. Instead, I found a run down, ghost town camp that was filled with garbage, broken junk and was a mess. Myself and two others spent the entire month, 12 hours a day, cleaning and trying to get camp ready to host campers.

The progress that we have made over the past few years, combined with their hard work makes me feel incredibly optimistic. We have awesome programming and great staff, but when camp looks beautiful, the care we put into the grounds is a good illustration of the quality of our camp. I am so proud of the turn around and this week will be even more movement in the right direction.

BF vs. Dog

My boyfriend doesn't like my dog. He thinks she is spoiled and bratty and it drives him crazy that she is so needy.

BF really likes dogs, he used to foster them. I think animals are fine, but generally speaking, I don't really like them. I don't get excited to see, nor do I have a strong desire to pet or interact with strange dogs. I love Olivia, but it's not because she's a dog- I love the role she fills in my life. BF can't relate to my connection with Olivia and I don't really understand his enjoyment of animals. I worry that this is going to become an issue between us. I'm not sure how we are going to find understanding and compromise when we have such different views.

I am the first person to admit that puppy could use a bit more discipline. I am aware that throwing tantrums and screeching until she gets my undivided attention is something I should train her to stop doing. I know that she should eat less bacon, shouldn't sleep with her head on my pillow and that every time she cries and then gets her way, it's reinforcing the bad behavior. I'm working on it, I really am. And I've gotten better- BF would have a heart attack if he knew how spoiled she used to be.

I have wanted a bulldog for years. After years of looking at pictures and dreaming about it, when I finally decided to buy one, it still took 6 months of thought, research, visiting breeders and preparation. I met, fell in love with and put a down payment on Olivia when she was 5 days old. I spent the next 6 weeks making weekly visits to watch her grow. Since bringing her home, I have spent a small fortune on her, devoted a ridiculous amount of time to her and have made her the center of my life.

You can call me a "crazy dog lady" or make fun or judge, but everyone I know has something that they love, spend a lot of money on and, if you don't also enjoy, you could judge as "unnecessary". My roommate spent several thousand dollars on a bike and spends hours and hours training, reading about triathlons and it's her life. I never ever judge people for their interests. If you find something you love and want to spend time and money on, if it brings you happiness, I think it's worthwhile. "Crazy Dog Lady" implies that I don't have friends, don't socialize with people, or don't have anything in my life besides the puppy. None of those things are true.

I love my puppy and she brings me a lot of happiness. I enjoy watching her- everything she does makes me laugh, entertains me, makes me happy. I like playing with her, holding her, and having her with me. I don't let her sleep with me because she's dominant or demanding, I sleep with her because I love waking up to her little face pressed against my cheek. I don't think there is anything wrong with loving a pet and while she is really spoiled, it's not because she controls me, it's because I enjoy everything I do with or for her.

Olivia should probably be more independent. She is most obnoxious and misbehaves mostly when she isn't the center of attention. I realize that isn't healthy and I have been leaving her alone more and more so she can get used to it and function like a normal dog. But because she hasn't spent much time alone, I worry about her when I leave her. I know she's fine, but she is a very needy dog and I am the center of her world. Maybe that's weird to say, but it's true. And, well, if I'm being honest, I like that I'm important. By nature, I am a caregiver. I like that I'm needed. I feel most worthwhile in life when I am helping others, being needed by others. It's why I enjoy camp so much- 3 months of constant, 24/7 being needed. It's exhausting and by the end, I'm ready for a break. But mostly, I feel content being able to give of myself.

BF is annoyed that Olivia is so needy. He gets super annoyed when I worry about her, when I call my roommates to check on her. He thinks that her neediness is something that is negative in my life and that I need to get her under control for my sake. He doesn't understand that she is a source of enjoyment, of purpose. I know she's a pet- I know she won't be here forever and I try not to put her needs ahead of actual people in my life. But being able to take care of something is important to me. It's why I'm a good camp director, a good friend, and why I will someday be a good mother.

I'm not sure how to fix this situation. I really like my boyfriend, can imagine myself with him for a long time. I definitely don't want to lose him because of a pet. But other than her having a little more training and obedience, I don't really have much desire to change the way that I act with her. I guess it will just continue to be a process of learning about each other and growing in our relationship.

The Lifeguard Plan

My general theory is that when you come up with a plan, no matter how challenging or far fetched, if you don't have a back-up plan, you leave yourself with no other option than to figure it out and make it work. So I will admit that I have a tendency to get an idea, proclaim its brilliance and then dive in head first without looking down, and without hesitation.

It is with this strategy that I have found myself across the globe in remote foreign countries, a homeowner, the clueless master of $3000 bulldog, an executive director, and many other things that I am pleased to say are wonderful parts of my life. I have found success in my strategy, and yet, there is always a point in every plan when frustrated, I throw my hands in the air, cry, shake my head and/or imagine/actually do lay down in the fetal position and think, "next time I have a brilliant plan, I promise promise PROMISE myself, I will think it through and work out the details first."

Maybe next time I will follow that promise.

The lifeguard plan is so brilliant, really, truly one of my best ideas yet. A few years ago, I went through Red Cross training to become a CPR/First Aid instructor so that I could train my summer staff. It's a HUGE pain and also really expensive to find an instructor to come out to camp, and trying to get them certified individually is even worse. So being able to have complete control over training them made my life so easy. Wouldn't that also be true for lifeguards???

Every year, we pay $250-300 per staff that is willing to get trained (usually 4-5 people). It is always a scheduling nightmare to find trainings to send them to that fit into their schedule, are near their school or home, that are completed before camp, and it is expensive. Additionally, it's a short term investment because there is no guarantee that they will return to camp the next year, hence, every year we have to go through the same stressful process. So my logic was that I should become a lifeguard trainer, cutting out the scheduling nightmare and the expense. Brilliant.

Except that I'm not a lifeguard. I can swim, but not well and actually, I don't really like the water that much. But my love of convenience and saving money won out over my distaste for the water and so last week, Monday-Friday, I spent the week in lifeguard class.

In preparation for the class, I spent a few days a week at the pool, but that was in the fall. In order to take the class you have to be able to swim 300 yards. I hadn't been swimming in several months when I went last Sunday. I think I made it about 60 yards when I gave up and went home, defeated, ready to postpone the class. Unfortunately, that was the only time in my schedule it worked, and without a back-up plan, there was no other option.

So I showed up Monday morning, more nervous than I have been for as long as I can remember. In college, I had to take a swim test for my scuba diving class. The instructor was a former Navy Seal who told us we were not to stop swimming unless he was dragging us out of the water. Adrenaline and fear allowed me to pass that test and that was one of my proudest moments in college. I thought about my college instructor as I swam on Monday. There might have been a few moments of dog-paddle/exhausted-just-stay moving flopping, but I made it through. And yes, I was incredibly proud, probably more than I should have been.

It was a long week. Running 3 miles a day keeps me in size 4 pants, but it turns out that it doesn't mean I'm in shape. Swimming is exhausting and my entire body, eyelids to toes was sore. Swimming to the bottom to perform rescues is scary, actually, every time I had to do something with my eyes open under water, I got a little nervous. But by the end of the week, I was 100% more comfortable, confident in my new skills and I actually started to have fun with it. I passed the test with ease on Friday and I am very proud of my new status as a certified lifeguard.

However, there is more to this plan.

• Because now I have to take another class- lifeguard instructor- and I have to be able to swim 550 yards for that class. I'm pretty sure I am going to need some private swim lessons prior to being able to do that.
• I can't find a class that fits into my schedule between now and May, although the Red Cross assures me more will open up.
• Assuming I pass that class, I also need to find a pool near camp to rent. When I first imagined this plan, I was thinking, "they guard in a lake, they can take the class in a lake" which is true. However, the lake water in May is still so cold that my dad wears a wetsuit for the 20 minutes it takes to put the docks in, so training in the water several hours a day isn't going to work out.

Assuming all of those things get worked out, I still have to actually conduct a class and train my staff. Which means that camper safety is 100% my responsibility. Not only is it my camp and I supervise the staff, I will also be the one responsible for training them in the first place. The responsibility of all of that is a bit overwhelming to me. There is nothing more important or scarier than water safety at a camp.

I still think it is a brilliant plan. I just wish I would have realized the magnitude of what I decided to take on. Typical of me, and yet, still surprising that I get myself into these situations.

Rally Day

It was Rally Day on Sunday. This is the second year we held this event to get families excited about camp. Last year went well. It was a small group, but everyone had fun and we got a lot of positive feedback. I was pleased with the result.

This year was even better. We had a ton of people come and everyone was really excited. It was fun to connect with kids and families that I'm getting to know more and more each year. Many of the families that were there weren't registered for camp yet, but were excited about it and planning to sign up. That was really great news because it means we still have a lot of registrations on the way.

My favorite part about the day was seeing campers from last year. Here is an almost verbatim conversation I had with a hilarious 8 year old:

“You’re lucky you don’t have kids! My teacher, says that she isn’t ever having kids.” –camper

“What’s wrong with kids?” –me

(‘it-couldn’t-be-more-obvious-you-idiot’ look, hands thrown up in the air) “They puke all the time!” –camper

“Is there anything good about kids?” –me

(laughs) (rolls eyes) “I’m studying mytheoloology [that’s exactly how he said it] in school. If you look into Medusa’s eyes, you will turn into salt. I had a nightmare last night because of it.” -camper

“If you look directly into Olivia’s eyes, you turn into skittles.” –me

“My counselor this summer, Justin, looked just like Will Smith.” -camper

“Justin is coming back to camp this summer and so are some of his friends. It’s going to be like a huge dance party all the time!” –me

*laughter*mumble*mumble* …distractedly walks away

It was like a tiny piece of the summer. I can't wait for camp!

Rhyming

My brother loves getting mail and whenever he orders something, he get so excited. He just ordered a trap-bar, which came in a 6 foot long box. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't home when it arrived. Instead of just bringing it inside and leaving it for him, I decided to hide it, write clues and make him find it.

The Tale of the Trap-Bar

He put in his order, then eagerly tracked,
Awaiting the trap bar, so he could get jacked.

Alas the arrival, was on a day,
When the D-Train would be, oh so far away.

And so he asked, his sis to watch for,
The package to arrive, at the front door.

“Suck my balls” she responded, for what else would she say?
Sisters are sometimes douche-y that way.

“Okay fine, I will help you,” she finally relented,
“But only if you play the game I’ve invented.”

“I’m hiding your package and making up rhymes…
You’ll entertain me, in exchange for my time.”

And so darling D-Train, here’s what you must do,
Go round the house, and follow the clues.

Once all have been solved, the trap bar you’ll find,
Use your bravery and strength and also your mind.

Lewis, Clark, Sacajawea, Magellan,
Joining that list, there’s really no telling,

The adventures ahead, surely you’re thrilled to start,
The wonders and such that you’re about to take part.

Good luck and god speed, time to begin your chase,
Clue number one, you’ll find in this place:

1-
This is a place with walls that are bright,
A tv, a hammock, a wii and some lights.
Look to each of these things, for they will give you,
Guidance for you to find the next clue.

2-
No phones are allowed, for they would distract,
It’s juiceheads who rule here, and that is a fact.
Soon this is the place the trap bar will be
Go there to find, clue number three.
3-
Clue number four, is what you seek,
Go to this place, where there is still a leak
This is a room, you use to poo,
There are two in this house, but only one with a clue.

4-
You’re getting so close, I’m sure you’re excited,
This is a place, you’re rarely sighted.
Up a staircase and down a narrow hall,
Pay attention to the pictures that hang on the wall.

5-
Patience dear friend, you’ll find what you seek,
Go to this place, where guests go to sleep.
Dig through the piles of socks, pants and such,
Finally you’re new trap bar, you’ll be able to touch.


Congratulations brave soul,
Despite being a pawn,
You’ve been a good sport,
Enjoy getting your swoll on!

Hiring

Yesterday I interviewed a young woman (AK) for a camp counselor position. She grew up as a camper, participated in the Leaders-in-Training and the Counselor-in-Training programs, as well as volunteered on the Work Crew; outside of camp, she has attended and volunteered at camp events regularly.

When I developed teen programming, this is exactly what I had in mind. Keep kids involved with camp through their teen years and eventually I would be able to grow my own staff of super committed, long time camper-turned counselors.

AK was part of my first batch of teens from summer 2008. She is the first to go on to apply for a staff position (sidenote- because teen programming was new in 2008, all ages were combined, meaning that the majority of those kids are a year younger than her and not yet old enough to apply. The program has been successful, even though with only one application, it would seem that it hasn't... I just wanted to clarify that fact.). I should be really happy and excited because this is the first fruit of my labor.

Unfortunately, this is a tough situation. Despite her dedication (see above list of camp involvement), for the past two and half years, she has spent a lot of time complaining, being distracted and overall making me question if she enjoys camp at all. I was actually sort of surprised to see her application as I can't really imagine her wanting to spend her whole summer at camp. I was hoping that her interview would blow me away and I would finally see passion or excitement or whatever it is that has kept her involved.

But I didn't. If she was just a random person I was interviewing, I wouldn't hire her- no hesitation. Her answers were okay, but the *spark* that I can't necessarily explain, but must be there for me to offer a position, just wasn't there. Camp staff don't have to have specific qualifications or skills. I can train them to teach activities, manage behavior, etc. But there has to be a *spark*. It's a combination of desire, passion, commitment, spirit, and energy. It has to be there naturally because it's not something I can teach and it absolutely necessary to keeping someone going through 10 long, exhausting weeks of what is sure to be the most intense experience of their lives.

This should be straightforward- she isn't hired. But it is difficult for me because I've worked with her for 2 years, I know her family, she's a product of my program and on a personal level, I am pulling for her to be successful. I know she was nervous and I know that this is something she wants. And I don't know how to tell her that despite those things, I don't think she has what it takes. But I don't.

I told her I would call her at the end of the hiring cycle and let her know. So I have a month to figure out what to say. I have a feeling that as more and more kids go through the teen programs, this is a problem I might have again. Yikes...