A week ago, a high school freshmen girl in one of the YMCA programs I volunteer with committed suicide. She had been in the program 2 years- I didn't know her well, but of the 110 participants (not all of whom I know by name), I knew her, have known her older brother for 4 years and when I heard she had died, I was surprised and sad.
When I found out she had killed herself, I was shocked. She was a strong leader in the group, bright, beautiful, and one of those kids who was clearly going places. At 15, she appeared to have it all.
As details came out, it turns out her mother has been in a coma for almost a year, her sister ran away from home, and she was feeling a lot of pressure to step in and take care of the house, her family, etc. The more I have heard, the more I haven't been able to stop thinking about how heartbreaking this whole situation is. Any time a kid dies, especially suicide, it is tragic and painful to hear. I'm sad, but more than that, I'm frustrated.
A week after she died, I joined the memorial group for her on facebook. Over 1000 people had already joined. How is it that a kid can feel so alone, helpless, desperate and sad that she takes her own life and less than a week later 1000 people, some close friends, some strangers, come together to express their love for her and their grief over her loss? Where was everyone a week ago?!? How is it possible that many people care and yet, she felt like she was totally alone? And how many other kids are out there who are just like her? How many kids feel like they want to die while being completely unaware of 1000 people around them??
But I am one of those 1000 people who is a week too late in expressing my care. And while of course I would have helped if I had known, the reality is, as someone who was not part of her daily life, who wasn't close to her or her family, there's not much that I could have done in this situation. And yet, that is what has been on my mind the most.
I work with literally hundreds kids in a variety of youth development programs. I have close relationships with some, but with the majority of them, I play the same role in their lives that I did with this kid. I'm an adult that cares, that is willing to help, that works in youth development specifically because I want to be a resource to kids. And yet, I'm really just a face in the crowd. 1 of 1000 people who exist somewhere in the background of their lives.
I'm an idealist, an optimist, someone who believes in hope and the possibility of making a difference. And yet, I am realistic enough to know that of the vast number of kids I work with, most of them won't be personally affected by me. I'm fine with that, but I can't stop wondering if there is something I could do or say that would stick in their minds enough to prevent this situation from happening. Of 1000 people, some of us need to stand out in a way that isn't a week too late. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm going to keep thinking about it. 15 year olds shouldn't be dying for no reason.
No comments:
Post a Comment