Getting Out

On Saturday, PDS, APDA and I drove an hour into town to go to Target. Pre-camp, to training, to the first week of camp- we've been "on" for a long time now. It was good to get away from camp, away from staff, and into the "real world" for a little while. We looked like tourists touching everything in the store and exclaiming excitedly over ordinary things we shouldn't have been so impressed by.

Later in the day, once we were back to camp, we joined the staff on the pontoon for a cruise around the lake. Last summer, between my sick dog, my boyfriend and just normal craziness of the summer, I never once "hung out" with the staff. I think they were a little unsure of what it would be like to chill with the boss, because when I got on the pontoon, I could see all of them sit up a little straighter. But it was a fun day and lots of joking around, so I think they eased up pretty quickly.

I think it is important to keep a boundary between staff and I- I am not their friend. I am the person responsible for making tough decisions, maintaining rules and supporting them through this experience. In order to remain professional, fair, unbiased and objective, I can't be their friend. But I also think it is important to be approachable, relate-able and for them not to be scared of me. So hanging out every now and then is important.

Connection

The Lead Staff have gone out for drinks a few times this summer and on Friday, we invited Nurse S who was spending an extra night at camp because she and her husband were going up north the next day.

Nurse S has been a volunteer nurse for the past four years. She comes up for a week each summer and has gotten to know me, camp and some of the staff very well. She and her family come to all of the camp events and she is a huge supporter of camp. I like her a lot and I didn't think twice about including her when we went out for drinks. Anyone can come with us, we aren't an exclusive group, it's just that most of the staff are younger and would prefer to hang out together, and not with their boss.

So I was surprised when Nurse J told me how touched Nurse S had been to be included in our outing. She really appreciated being invited. I think it is easy to forget, that even once people are grown adults, with families and lives, and not dealing with peer pressure or fitting in, that even then, everyone just wants to be included.

This year, more than ever before, I've watched staff (and volunteers) struggle with insecurity over their "place" at camp. Camp, more than any other job, is such an emotional connection. It's not just this camp either, I've heard this same thing at multiple camps, from other camp directors, at camp trainings, etc. I referred to the first camp I worked at as "my camp" for several years after I'd left. The connection that people make, the traditions, the feeling of belonging, and just the overall feeling of camp lead people to become very attached. And with that attachment can also come an insecurity. People want to make sure there is still a place for them.

I have worked hard to create a strong community and a "camp family" atmosphere. It's a great thing, but it also means that people get emotional about camp and want to make sure they matter. Part of my job is to manage people's egos, people's emotion and make sure they continue to feel valued, connected and part of the community.

For me, I NEED staff and volunteers- I couldn't do this alone. So in my mind, I think, "OF COURSE I still need you! Why would you question that?!" It never even crossed my mind that Nurse S wouldn't be included or have a place with us. If anything, I was hoping she would WANT to come with us. So hearing that she was so happy to be included was a good reminder to me that people need to be told they are valued, even if it seems obvious to me that they are. It's so important to share good, positive, happy feedback and never assume people know you are pleased.

Demotion?

First weekend complete. I consider that as much of a success as completing the first week of camp. The weekend is not a relaxing time for me- sometimes it is, but with twenty 19-22 year olds running around, enjoying their first freedom after a week, my job never ends.

Counselor J was hired as the Head Female Counselor/ Ministry Specialist. Counselor J is anxious and awkward, but very focused on whatever job she is given, organized and has a strong desire to succeed. Some of the staff were surprised by my choice because she is not the most popular staff member and she's a bit socially awkward. But jobs are not popularity contests and more often than not (people are generally really predicable), when you give someone a leadership role, they will rise to the occasion.

Unfortunately, that didn't happen in her case. Counselor J is a great counselor, a strong leader and really great at what she does when she is doing any of those things. But the minute she thinks about it, or feels like she is being watched, she gets so self conscious that it is literally painful to watch as she struggles and nearly collapses under the pressure.

Ministry was BAD this week. Staff and kids were complaining and while I care very much about each individual staff member and their development and growth, ultimately, if my program is suffering and we aren't putting out a quality product, something has to change. I planned to talk to her about it, basically taking away all of her responsibilities, but between the rain, her being sick and having to go to the doctor and be in the health center and just the craziness of the week, I didn't have an opportunity. And because I wanted to replace her with a "ministry team" (made up of several staff), I had to announce it at the meeting. I felt really terrible about the way I had to handle it, but there wasn't any other way.

So 5 minutes after the meeting, as Nurse J, PDS, PDP, APDA and I readied ourselves to go out for a celebratory margarita, I had to stop and have a conversation with HYSTERICAL Counselor J. She was so upset and I tried to talk it out with her, but she was too upset to talk. I told her to think about it for a while and we could talk later in the weekend.

We talked the next day and she had calmed down a lot. She was still upset and felt like she should quit. But after about an hour of talking, during which I explained that I still valued her and wanted to work with her, but that the pressure had been too much and I was actually worried about her, she was able to understand why I'd made that decision. She agreed to give it some time and see how the change goes. And by the end, she was smiling and happy and I am hopeful that it will be for the best.

I care very much about my staff and it is difficult to make tough decisions sometimes. I try very hard to keep the best interest of camp as my motivation in every decision, followed closely by the best interest of the staff. They don't always match up, but I am always hopeful that I do the right thing.

Sunshine and Honor

After the rainiest week I've ever had at camp, the sun finally came out on Friday and the parents were greeted by sunshine, smiling campers and happy staff. By Thursday night, I'd had 4 counselors break down and cry, and I'd had to deal with behavior or other issues with every single cabin. Kids and staff were tired, sick of being cold and wet, and ready for a break. But Friday was a perfect day and camp life was good again. I was actually really sad to see the kids go home- don't get me wrong, I NEEDED a break, but they were so fun and funny and cute and I always feel a little sad when we say goodbye.

One part of the closing ceremony is awards. Kids get awards for activities, one cabin wins the spirit award and we award counselor of the week to one staff member.

HP was a leader-in-training 4 years ago, then a counselor in training, then a junior counselor last year. Camp is his life. He is a triplet and his two brothers are athletic and popular. HP is quiet, kind of awkward, and before he came to camp 4 years ago, his mother warned me that he might not make it though the week because he is not socially capable. I was literally terrified of him when he got off the bus because his mother had built him up so much I was really worried he was going to be a monster. But he was quiet and sweet and nerdy and wonderful. So then I spent the whole week confused and still waiting for his terrible side to show.

Four years later, I have yet to see anything except an awkward kid who is desperate to fit in and be recognized as an individual. At camp, he is accepted for who he is, he is an individual and everyone loves him. And yet, when he applied to be a counselor this year, I struggled terribly with the decision. I knew how much camp meant to him and I knew if he didn't get the job, he'd be crushed. But I was REALLY concerned that he would be too timid and nervous to actually be in charge of a cabin of kids. His interview wasn't great- he was so nervous he could barely answer my questions. I really didn't know what the right answer was, but ultimately, I decided to give him a chance and see how it would go this summer. I knew he would be safe and kids would be safe, but I didn't know if I could expect much more than that. I planned to work with him this summer and give him a lot of guidance.

So imagine my surprise when, given a cabin of spacey little 7 and 8 years olds, he spent the week organized, calm, easy going, patient, and the kids were IN LOVE with him. He was exceptional. He was my vote for staff of the week, but not only mine, but won by a landslide.

When we announced his name at the award ceremony, he had the same reaction Miss America does- his eyes got wide, he took a shocked deep breath in while covering his mouth with his hand, he stood for a moment without breathing or moving and then came to the stage to shakily accept his blanket (the prize that they get). He went back to his seat clutching it as if it was a bar of gold. Later, when I congratulated him and told him it was a landslide, he said, "I just don't understand- everyone worked so hard and I can't believe it." I think it was the most adorable, satisfying staff of the week win I've ever seen. It means the world to him just to be here, but to be recognized for doing a good job was really meaningful to him.

For me, it is incredible to see an individual go from a quiet kid, grow into a leader and be so obviously affected by his experience with camp. I know camp makes a difference and changes peoples lives, but seeing it so obviously is incredibly rewarding and I selfishly hope to experience that level of pride and achievement with many more staff and campers to come.

First week complete. And, despite some drama and nonsense, I'm calling it a success...

Rescue

Today I got dragged off by the sheriff.

Not in handcuffs or anything- in a boat.

Around 11 this morning, I got a phone call from Counselor N, who was calling from the cell phone we keep in the boat in case of emergencies. The boat had gas, but had stopped working and they were stranded.

APDA and I called the police because last year, I had asked the DNR what to do if someone got stranded and they told me you could call 911 and be rescued. I knew we couldn't drag the pontoon with canoes or even our little rescue boat (which is a small row boat with a motor), so, with the police on the way, we ran down to the beach to get in the rescue boat to go out and let them know what was going on and to stay calm. Except that neither of us know how to use the rescue boat, so I had someone go get MA to help.

It was about 60 degrees outside, drizzling and the kids had all jumped in the water to go swimming off the pontoon, so they were wet and freezing. MA and I drove out to the pontoon and he attempted to fix the motor, but he couldn't get it to work either. The police were no where in sight and so we decided to take 4 kids at a time in the rescue boat to get them back to the beach. It took over an hour for him to go back and forth with the kids. I was impressed that the campers were so patient and positive, despite being stuck, having to be patient, and getting colder and colder. I gave away my jacket and sweatshirt, and so I was feeling pretty miserable as well.

Eventually we got all of the kids off the boat and it was just Counselor N and I. By that time, the pontoon had floated near a dock and was crashing into it, lifting the sections up and I was panicking that we were going to damage the dock or the boat. So Counselor N jumped back in the water to try to push the boat away and we tied onto a tree that was hanging over the lake from shore. In the process of that, I dropped the phone in the lake, so I couldn't call APDA on shore. We were wet, wondering where the police were and laughing at the ridiculousness.

MA came back and took Counselor N back to camp and the police showed up at the same time. An hour and a half after this whole thing started, they towed me and the pontoon back to the beach. I was wet and cold, but yet another crisis had been faced and solved. It's only Thursday of the FIRST WEEK!! If we keep going at this rate, it's going to be a ridiculous summer...

And Then More Rain...

After it rained all day Tuesday, I was hoping the sun would come out yesterday. But that was not the case. The rain continued, not letting up for even a few minutes.

We'd adjusted activities on Tuesday, but I didn't think we could make it through another day like that. So the Lead Staff and I sat down at breakfast and re-wrote the whole day. We planned several different counselor shows, a hot chocolate break in the afternoon, a carnival (complete with prizes) and readied ourselves for the day. It was EXHAUSTING, because lead staff led everything, so while some of us were leading one activity, the others were finishing plans and setting up for the next. We ran all day to be two steps ahead of the group. And it was a success, but really, so intense.

The first activity was all camp crafting- making carnival masks out of paper plates, feathers, glitter and fun stuff from the art barn. Counselor A was still struggling with his group of 14 year old boys and the idea of attempting to get them to make crafts for an hour was weighing on my mind.

I think one of the most difficult things I have to train staff is the balance between treating all kids the same, being fair and consistent, but also knowing when you have to treat kids entirely different. Expecting 14 year old boys to quietly craft was not going to work. So even though that's what everyone was doing, I decided to give them a different option. I met with them and asked them what their ideal day at camp would look like. They came up with a whole list of ideas and since we'd dropped the regular schedule anyway, I decided to re-write their whole day, customized to their ideas. Counselor A wasn't so sure- he expressed his concern that it didn't make sense to reward them with what they wanted when they weren't listening very well. But here's the thing- they weren't listening because they were bored. So my options were to be in a power struggle with them all day, attempting to force them to behave, while they expressed their boredom, OR, to set them up for success by occupying them with activities where they would behave.

So while everyone else crafted masks, they played soccer in the rain. After soccer, they had asked to swim in the rain. It was REALLY cold and pouring, but there wasn't lightening or wind, so I was fine with it and even agreed to lifeguard for them. Watching them jump into the lake, fully clothed, screaming as they hit the cold water and then repeatedly jumping off the dock as it poured made being wet and cold myself, totally worth it. Moments like that are what camp is all about. Kids remember the special things- the unexpected, the unplanned. They were so happy and completely swept into the experience. We weren't lecturing them about listening or telling them to follow directions. It was a perfect moment of camp magic.

The rain continued ALL day and by the end of the day, and even though our alternate activities were good, being cooped up inside was stressful. Kids and staff were all a little whinny and crabby by the end of the day, but we made it through.

Rain...

At 1:30am Tuesday night, I found myself standing in my living room with PDP and Counselor A. I vaguely remember them knocking on my bedroom door, myself and two alert bulldogs tumbling out of bed and then walking out to talk to them, but it was all very dreamlike.

Apparently his boys were being loud, obnoxious, refused to turn off their flashlights and he needed help. The boys cabins are a long, dark walk away from my house, so we got into my car and headed to his cabin.

I turned on the light and asked what was going on. I told them that they needed to quiet down, go to sleep and if I had to come back, we would be waking up their parents, regardless of the time. Having the director show up, half asleep and crabby, is enough to scare most kids into better behavior and it worked like a charm.

The middle of the night wake up call should have been a warning that yesterday was going to be interesting. It rained all day today. We made it through activities, sending the canoers into the lodge to build boats and having the fishers make cute fish crafts. It was a long day, but the kids and staff were doing well. We moved the dance party to last night, hoping today would be sunny and we could make s'mores over the campfire.

During the dance party, I was in my house, taking a quick break while everyone was occupied when Counselor HP ran in and said I needed to go to the health center because the fire alarms were blasting. It was POURING rain, so I threw on my rain coat and headed over. There wasn't a fire, but the whole building was SCREECHING and the fire lights were blinking. Nurse J and I flipped the circuit breaker, pushed on the smoke detectors, and even attempted to dismantle one of the alarms. Finally, we called the fire department and asked them to send someone out.

It was almost time for shower time, and Nurse S was already at the bathrooms, preparing to hand out medication. Except that she didn't have the medication yet. She had gone for the dance, and Nurse J said she would bring it. But we were waiting for the fire department, so I grabbed the two giant boxes, put them in my car and was about to drive there (keep in mind, it is still POURING at that point), but just as I backed out, Counselor HP runs up, directing the fire truck and so I told him to drive my car and drop off the medication. He responded with, "I don't have a drivers license." I asked if he knew how to drive and he said yes, but he struggled to get the car into reverse and I was panicking that he was going to end up in a ditch. He had to go around the backside of camp because the short path to the lodge was being blocked by the fire truck.

I ran back to the health center to talk to them (apparently a power surge from lightning can set it off and you just have to wait 20 minutes for it to re-set). A few minutes later, PDP came to the health center, looking for the medication and I said, "I sent HP in my car, isn't he there?"

We both went running out of the health center, ran through the pouring rain to look for him, my car and the medication. At that point, I was completely soaked, as if I'd fallen in the lake. When he came running towards us from the archery field, I feared the worst, as my car was no where in sight. He had gotten lost, didn't know how to turn on the de-frost and so he'd abandoned the car and come to find us. PDP went to get the car and we brought Nurse S the medication.

When I stopped to take a deep breath, I shook my head- this was not one of my finer moments of leadership. I'm not sure why I panicked and felt like the medication needed to be rushed to the lodge so badly that I put a staff who couldn't drive in my car. In the moment, it felt like a necessary response, but really, I could have waited a few minutes and drove them myself. I think the combination of the blaring alarm, the pouring rain and having to shout everything I said made it feel like more of a crisis than it really was. But everything ended up just fine and camp continues.

Changes...

Last year, three factors made the summer different than ever before

1. PDS and APDA were both return staff and I felt really confident in them so I let them take the lead on programming more so than ever before. In years prior, I led every single program, but last year, I led very few.

2. Part of the reason I didn't lead programming was because we were going through re-certification, so I had TONS of paperwork. I pretty much sat in the office all day, every day and just worked.

3. Almost all of the staff was new.

In my mind, I still thought of myself as very involved with staff (I always lead programming) but none of them had actually seen that and I made it through most of the summer without actually being involved. In hindsight, it's no surprise they were all nervous for their midsummer reviews and intimidated by me.

This year, I don't have the same intense paperwork, I have three lead staff, Nurse J and Counselor M (who worked in the office this year) has been out of a cabin this week and helping with programming. We had one too many counselors this week and since she already knows the computer system, she was a natural choice. But she is also doing an exceptional job taking initiative, being a leader and taking on extra work.

Which means that I have a lot more free time than ever before. I don't have to upload pictures and blog at midnight (two different people have those responsibilities). Programming is planned, responsibilities are all equally spread out and camp is fun. It is more fun than ever before, because I am not trying to run around like a crazy person and do everything myself.

I still have a constant feeling of anxiety, like I have a million things to do, even though everything is getting done. Delegating is the hardest skill I've had to learn, but it works.

This week, I am leading an activity called "survival skills". Today we built a fort, which was super fun and hilarious. At break time, PDP pulled out some buckets and drumsticks and lead an impromptu drumline. Later, I got involved in an intense circle game called "zumie zumie" with the 14 year old boys and it was several minutes before I realized that my job is to play... all day... with kids... How did I get so lucky?

Not So Smooth

Sunday was so perfect and I was charmed into thinking I was going to spend the summer basking in the sun and frolicking through fields of flowers.

The kids this week are all sponsored by a nun who has been sending kids to camp for 20 years. She raises all of the money, gives them sleeping bags and toothbrushes and everything they need for camp. Kids are kids and these kids are no different than the rest of our campers. Except that they are different because instead of parents calling and emailing me obsessively for every little detail, many of these kids come without any other preparation than what the nuns do for them.

We have twin 8 year old boys this week who both have severe asthma. Their parents didn't send the correct medication for them. Because so many of the medical forms were incomplete, it took Nurse J and our other nurse for this week two days to organize everything, call parents and sort out the information they needed. So it was Monday morning before the nurse called to ask about these boys, and even then, the mom said it was fine. But then the dad called back later to say he would drive it up to camp that evening.

But by Monday afternoon, the camper was wheezing and very sick and when I got a walkie talkie call from Nurse J saying she was heading into the local city (where the hospital is), my response was, "I will be right over [to the health center]". She took him to the ER and, as it turns out, he was even sicker than we thought and they were preparing to airlift him to the big city. Luckily they were able to get his oxygen up and didn't need to do that, but it took several hours.

The parents were headed up to camp to bring the medication, but by this time, it was 9pm. On the way, they hit a deer and messed up their car and so by the time they got to camp, they were really stressed out. It took a lot longer at the hospital than Nurse J had expected and so they eventually decided to go there. Except that they got lost and had to come back to camp. By this time it was 11:30pm and everyone was tired.

Nurse J got back to camp with the camper at midnight. The parents took him home and I collapsed into bed thinking, "It's only MONDAY!"

Meanwhile...

Earlier in the evening, I was sitting in the bathroom supervising the kids as they brushed their teeth and got ready for bed. The oldest girls were getting ready and chatting and I overhead one of the girls names. Except that it wasn't her name, it was her sister. I had received an email on Sunday saying that they had tried to convince the nun to let her sister come at the last minute and she'd said no. She wasn't sure if the right girl got on the bus, but the camper (and the parents) had said that was her, so unless they were lying to her face (a nun!), that was right.

All of the paperwork, including her activity sign up sheet she had filled out, said her sister's name. But when I heard that and asked if she was her sister, she admitted it. I didn't say anything to her- she's 12. Her PARENTS told her to lie.

I know they probably thought, "what's the big deal which kid comes?" But this discovery came at the same time I had just sent a kid to the hospital. If I had to bring her to the hospital, I would have NO information on her. Also, her sister is one medication, which, during health checks, she claimed not to have with her. But the problem is, if that medication had been here, and we'd given it to her (thinking she was her sister), she would have gone into cardiac arrest.

Paperwork is important and knowing which kid are responsible for is important.

I'm not going to send her home; it's not her fault. But I'm annoyed. What are parents thinking sometimes?!

I just keep shaking my head today and saying, "it's the third day!"

First Day!

As I clipped on my fanny pack and attached my walkie talkie, I excitedly said, "locked and loaded! Let's do this!" [I've gotta give my lead staff credit for smiling politely and humoring my nerdiness].

It's the first day of camp! Approximately 80 kids- 7-17 years old arrived on two buses, excited and ready for some fun! I was nervous, as I always am when the bus arrives, but there were so many return campers and kids running up to hug me, I calmed down right away.

One of the first things I saw was a little boy (7 years old), standing by the bus as staff unloaded luggage. He was saying, "I have to find my monkey" over and over again. I told him I would help him and eventually we spotted a big blue stuff monkey. He hugged it tight and I asked if he wanted to take the monkey with him to the circle of kids or if he wanted to leave it with his backpack. He put it down, looked at it and said, "you stay here" and then did that motion where you point your two fingers at your eyes and then at someone else's and said, "I'm watching you." I forgot how young seven year olds are.

The day was wonderful and exciting and the staff were filled with enthusiasm and I know that every day isn't going to be as smooth, but it was a great kick off to the summer.

A Break!

After 4 weeks of nonstop activity, I am free (sorta- it is the summer after all!). Training ended this afternoon and I feel very confident and happy with the staff and I know that we are going to have a great summer.

We ended training at 3pm and at 3:05, PDS, PDP, APDA, Nurse J and I were all in a car on our way to margaritas. It was great to have a chance to not be going from one thing to the next. And while I am still responsible for all of them, for the buildings, and, in about 48 hours, 80ish campers, I was able to relax for a few moments before the craziness of camp.

Canoe Trip

Success!

On Tuesday morning, after we announced the canoe trip the night before, we took a trip around the island to practice canoeing. It took us about an hour- it was sunny, calm, and a perfect day. We paired people up- strong canoers and more nervous people. Several people looked nervous when we began, but by the end, everyone was looking much more confident and feeling more excited.

When we woke up to rain yesterday morning, I was not feeling excited at all. We'd said "rain or shine" but I'm a wimp about these things, so I wasn't sure how it would be. But it wasn't storming, the water was calm, and despite the constant drizzle, it wasn't terribly cold, so we spent the morning packing tents, food, sleeping bags and clothes (bagging much of it in garbage bags to keep it dry).

After lunch, we gave everyone 10 minutes for final preparation and told them to meet us in the boating bay for departure. It was at that point that utter and complete panic overtook me and I couldn't breathe and I had to fight back the tears as I walked across the field (bursting into tears when I arrived at my front door). It wasn't that I was nervous about the canoe trip (although I was a little nervous for that too). My dad leaves camp (for his trip to Alaska) today. He and I have been fighting about this trip since he was in the hospital. He is still healing and definitely not back to full strength. I didn't think it was a good idea.

A few days ago we had a really emotional conversation where we both cried (and my mountain man, grizzly adams dad doesn't cry- EVER) as he explained that he needed to go back one more time. His health is going to continue to go downhill and he needs to go back while he still can. He said he would take it easy and promised he wasn't going there to die.

But as my staff packed the canoes, all I could think was, "this might be the last time I see my dad" and I was having a hard time directing staff (who were nervous about the adventure), in the rain, while my dad stood by and watched.

As they took one last bathroom break, my dad and I walked off to the side where I burst into tears. He and I stood hugging, both of us crying (me hysterical) and he promised not to die and told me he would be back soon. I didn't want my staff to see me cry and I knew I needed to focus on the major task ahead, but I felt like I was going to throw up.

I managed to get myself together, say goodbye and then, with all of the effort in the world, say in a confident, excited voice, "okay! let's head out!"

Paddling took MUCH less time than we'd estimated. The rain stopped about an hour into the trip and there was little wind to begin with, and when we'd initially planned, it was the worst case scenario, so we'd over-estimated the amount of time. So about an hour and half into the trip, we'd crossed the lake (which was, according to the map, halfway through our journey) and I pleasantly surprised but also sort of confused because we were going so fast. By that time, everyone was feeling much more confident, had found their paddling rhythm and there was a lot of joking, talking, singing and we were all really enjoying ourselves. I actually had to pause paddling several times because I was laughing so hard. It was a great improvement over the crying from earlier.

We arrived to the camp site in just under 2.5 hours. I was relieved, happy and proud of everyone. We set up camp, cooked dinner, played games around the fire, ate s'mores and had a fabulous night. Sleeping on the ground after a long day of paddling was a little rough- I woke up to the sound of APDA whimpering around 1am. I gave her advil and she managed to fall back asleep for a while. There was a very loud owl, and then a howling coyote as well, but overall, it wasn't a bad night of sleep.

We woke up the next day, ate breakfast, packed up and headed back to camp. We didn't have any rain or wind on the way back. We were really tired by the time we made it back to camp, but everyone was just bursting with pride and the camaraderie was incredible. We unpacked, ate lunch and then had the whole afternoon to nap and relax.

After dinner, we did a de-brief and staff shared highs, lows, etc. It was a little scary to hear all of them talk about how much confidence and trust they'd had in us, considering just how much doubt I'd had. But they accomplished a major feat because we said they could do it. I was very proud of them.

I'd told them before we left that the canoe trip was a metaphor for the summer- there will be times they are too tired, frustrated, annoyed and don't feel like they can go on. They will need to rely on each other and find strength from within to persevere instead of give up. It's a great lesson to learn. I was really happy we went through with it. If this trip is any indication, it is going to be a great summer.

Advanced Staff Training

This is my 12th summer of camp and I think the 10th time I have helped or fully led staff training. I love staff training. I love scheduling it, love leading team building, I love every part about it.

But this year has been a different challenge than I've ever experienced before. I have 17 return staff and 4 new staff. Of the four new staff, one was a counselor for several years (at a different camp), one was a volunteer missionary with teens all last year and the other two are just really "with it". We're not working with your average bunch staff. They have been humoring me- acting out scenarios, responding to my lectures, and participating, but it's clear that they are a little bit bored because they have done this before and know what to do.

So when PDP came to me and suggested that instead of just doing a normal staff overnight camping trip, we canoe (nine miles) to the site, I actually considered it. Two years ago, he took a group of 14 year old boys, so I didn't think it was an impossible feat. I knew it might be a challenge and some people wouldn't be excited about it, and also that I would have to change around the entire training schedule to accommodate it.

He, PDS, and I talked about it, discussed worst case scenarios, emergency procedures and every possible thing we could think of. We brought APDA into the discussion and she burst into tears- she was not excited, but even with that hesitation, we moved forward with plans.

A little while ago, we made the announcement to the staff- some cheered, a few cried. On a scale of one to ten (their feelings about the trip)- there were some tens, some zeros, some in the middle. I told them to think about it overnight, write down any questions they have, but not to spend the night panicking. I'm slightly nervous about this idea, but I think it will work out okay.

We'll see...

Training Day 1

"I know it is difficult to imagine that 2 weeks from now, these people (who you are just meeting for the first time today) will have become some of your best friends. 2 WEEKS! In real life, sometimes don't even know some people's names after two weeks but at camp, pretty soon, you will be reading each others' minds."

That was part of my welcome speech this morning. And it's true- the bonds you form at camp are fast, intense and produce life long friendships.

Being a camp staff member is a journey- I can sometimes see people growing before my eyes. I can't say enough how much I enjoy being part of that experience and what an honor it is to be able to play that role in these people's lives.

I have worked incredibly hard to build a community and create a "camp family". I want campers, staff, volunteers, even parents who aren't attending camp to feel a connection to camp and experience a sense of belonging.

All of that being said, makes this next statement difficult to say- I am definitely going to fire someone this summer. I am not happy about that and not looking forward to it in any way. I don't even know who it is going to be or why they will be fired. But I have a gut feeling and I know it is coming. I'm just hoping that it is only one person and it is not for anything too serious.

Today was the first day of training. Yesterday was CPR/First aid, and prior to that was 4 days of Life guarding. Some staff have been here for almost a week now, but today was the first official day. And already there was drama. Nurse J came to talk to me about two different people who were talking to her about other staff. Two staff were asking about going into town to buy cigars (um, hello, what part of "can you give up alcohol and tobacco for 10 weeks" didn't you understand in the interview??). With 16 of 20 staff are returning this summer, we are at an advantage in some ways- I don't anticipate nearly as many issues with cabin management, organizational issues or nervousness about programming. I do however expect more issues with staff drama- they already know each other and there's no honeymoon period where they are all nice, polite and getting along.

Despite being the first day of training, all day I couldn't escape the feeling that they were just a little out of control, a little too relaxed, and a little less under my control than I like. So we'll see...

Homeless?

Four of the staff arrived today and there was lots of screaming and hugging and skipping around and laughter as they ran through camp, touching everything and celebrating their arrival. After dinner and the first day of the "Turtle Run Club" (PDS, PDP and I running while whining about being out of shape), I was chatting on the phone when my new maintenance assistant (MA) knocked on the door.

"Um, I was wondering if you had any empty cabins somewhere at camp that I could possibly stay in?" He was wearing a backpack and looking like a lost puppy.

I asked him to sit down and tell me what was going on. He told me his grandparents had kicked him out of his house and he didn't have anywhere to go. I asked if that happened often and he said yes. His dad lives in a nearby town and they have a difficult relationship, which causes tension with his grandparents. After a few days it usually passes and he can go home.

I knew he probably didn't have the ideal home life when he told me he'd moved away from home two years ago to live with his grandparents, so I wasn't shocked at all of this information. I asked what he usually does when this happens and he told me sometimes he goes to a friend's house, but that friend is out of town, or sometimes he sleeps outside. When I asked, "like in a tent?" he said, "no, just outside. You know where the docks are? Under those. I could catch the bus for school on the road nearby." My reply, "so, like a homeless person?" He's working two jobs this summer to try to afford his own place to live, and then he offered to pay rent if I let him stay in a cabin.

I told him that most of our staff live onsite and he could too, as long as he followed the code of conduct rules. I gave him a few choices for cabins and he decided to move in with the two male counselors that just arrived. I took him to the cabin, showed him the locker room, bathrooms, the dining hall, told him what time meals are served and then introduced him to the staff. MA is very quiet and looked a little nervous about the overly excited, giggling group, but he went with them to watch a movie and hang out.

When I returned to my house, it occurred to me that his small backpack probably didn't have any bedding in it, so I got out sheets, a blanket, a pillow, a towel, and then made a toiletry bag with soap, shampoo, a toothbrush and toothpaste. I'm not sure what he has with him, and while a bare mattress in a cabin is probably better than under a dock outside, the idea of him falling asleep with nothing is entirely too sad to even consider.

I should probably be more cynical, cautious and my response to a troubled 18 year old who just got kicked out of his house should be much more skeptical. But my natural instinct is to assume the best of people. And thus far, he's been a hard worker, taken initiative several times, been very respectful and helpful. He's been kind, had a great attitude and he smiles a lot. He hasn't given me any reason to hesitate to help him. He reminds me of an abandoned puppy, sweet and pathetic and every time I see him, I just want to offer him milk and cookies and tell him everything will be okay.

In the 5 hours the other four staff have been here, every single one of them has knocked on my door needing something (a sweatshirt, a scanner, several questions). Taking care of needy 19 year olds is a big part of my job. My exBF never understood this and it drove him insane. "They are staff. You are their boss. They need to be more professional." He didn't understand that camp is a much different job than anywhere else. They aren't just here for a shift and then go home. They live here, it's 24/7, it's intense and constant, and 19 is so much younger than anyone realizes. Yes, they are employees and they have to be able to do their jobs, but when you live at your workplace, your boss has a lot of influence on your life overall.

So MA appearing on my doorstep carrying a small backpack, with no where to go, no plan and apparently no family or friends to turn to was no different than all of the other needs of all of the other staff. He's less innocent, sheltered and Jesus loving than my typical staff, but he's still a kid, struggling to be independent but just as in need of a parent as ever. He's only worked here one week, so the fact that he felt like camp was a safe place and that I was someone he could go to for help means that either I've done a really good job of building a welcoming environment or I have "sucker" written all over me. I hope that living at camp is just what he needs to help him through this difficult time rather than this being a lesson to me about needing to be more skeptical.

Proposal!

PDS arrived on Saturday and our fabulous lead staff foursome is now complete. I couldn't be more thrilled that she is here. Her creativity, easy-going way, kindness and sense of humor make her one of the most wonderful people I know. She's a slightly younger, more campy version of my best friend X, meaning that, as a human being, she is clearly exceptional. She has been with me since the beginning and I can't imagine camp without her!

Prior to her arrival, PDP, APDA and I have talked nonstop about the upcoming proposal- when, how, and all of the little details. PDP is one of the most girly men I have ever met. Ordinarily, that would probably be considered an insult, but I don't mean it in a bad way. He is sensitive, open with his feelings, incredibly thoughtful, romantic and genuine in everything he does. He doesn't hold back to try to be cool or put up a front.

He got excited every time she sent a text, glowed with happiness when he talked about her. He had several crafts he wanted to make to decorate for her arrival. He included us in all of his plans, asking for advice, sharing his ideas and letting us help. He wasn't macho or egotistic- just really open and genuine and expressive. It was really fun to be able to be part of such a special experience in two people's lives.

On Sunday, he took her to a nearby big city, they walked on the boardwalk, spent time together and eventually found a bench, where they sat and chatted and then he got down on one knee and asked her to marry him. Afterwards, they went to a fancy dinner. While they were gone, APDA and I hung decorations made chocolate covered strawberries, set out champagne and flowers and had the house ready for when they returned. I can't say enough how wonderful it was to be part of their day.

They are madly in love, completely devoted to each other, committed to their relationship and I am (at the risk of sounding really cheesy) actually inspired by being around them. If I hadn't already broken up with my (now ex) BF, I think it's possible I would have this summer.

Every girl deserves the amount of effort PDP puts in and the complete devotion he has for PDS. My exBF couldn't even manage to plan a date and over and over, I excused him, arguing that he "wasn't a planner" but it's not about ability, it's about desire. Watching two people who are so in love makes me realize just how empty my relationship was. I'm not sure I was even in love with him. I was definitely in love with the idea of being in love and with what I imagined he could be. It was nice having someone, but ultimately, when that someone has the emotional expressiveness of a brick wall, just having someone isn't enough. There was nothing really there and we were simply going through the motions, co-existing, but not actually connected. I wanted more. I deserve more.

Right after we broke up, I really struggled as I wondered if I'd made the right decision. I was stressed out and lonely, with little to keep me distracted while I lived at deserted camp in the woods. Time away has helped- I miss having someone, but I don't miss him. And spending time with PDS and PDP has shown me how beautiful and amazing a relationship can be. I feel refreshed and hopeful when I am around them and I hope with everything that I can find that kind of connection someday too.

Serious Stuff

When I think of camp, I think about glitter, rainbows, sunshine, sugar, laughter, carefree joyful frolicking through fields of flowers. If you've read this blog for any amount of time, you know that camp actually involves a lot more dirt, crabbiness, and HR policies, but I rarely think about the serious stuff.

In September, Nurse J got sick. She thought it was just a cough and then thought it was bronchitis. Over the following months, she went to countless doctors, ended up in the hospital several times and eventually received a diagnosis of degenerative lung disease. She's on a million medications, oxygen, undergoing chemotherapy and is on a list for a lung transplant.

Every time I talk to her (which is multiple times per week), she is upbeat, laughing, asking for camp projects to keep her busy, joking and counting down until camp. She's very sick, but you wouldn't know by her attitude. I've only found out how serious it is because she will causally mention something and I will find myself, sometimes days later, asking, "wait, what was that about a lung transplant?"

I'm not sure if she is as upbeat and casual with everyone or if she is putting on a front for me, or maybe she's in denial and camp is thing she holds onto to keep her going. She is very open and honest when I ask questions and I know that what she is dealing with is incredibly serious. And yet despite knowing the seriousness, her attitude of "no worries! I'm coming to camp in a few months and everything will be fine" has been enough to distract me and keep me thinking that it's no big deal, everything is fine.

Today Nurse J went to the hospital for more tests. She's been struggling with solid food and speaking for a while, so the diagnosis of cancer of the esophagus (in addition to the lung disease) probably shouldn't have come as a shock. But once again, her email was casual, letting me know the doctors are hesitantly allowing her to put off more chemo for three months and that the time at camp will give her a break to find clarity to "decide if she will continue to fight this". I responded with, "what is the alternative to 'fighting'?"

Once again, I found myself thinking, "no big deal, it's gonna be fine". But the more I think about her words, I think, "wait, nothing about lung transplants, cancer and 'deciding whether or not to fight' is 'no big deal'". Smiles and telling me everything is fine has been convincing, but her upbeat attitude and her words don't match.

I'm not sure if she's in denial and she's hoping the glittery, carefree magic of camp will make everything better. Or if she knows there is no hope and she's wants to have one last hurrah in a place that she (and her son, who is the most important thing in her life) loves.

She is scheduled to arrive in a week. I'm waiting to figure out what's really going on until she's here. Deep down, I think I really believe camp is magical and being here will make her better and all of the serious stuff will be replaced by frolicking through fields of flowers. I know that innocence is probably ridiculous, but I'm holding onto hope for as long as I can.

Maintenance Assistant

2 weeks ago a kid (I know I'm old because 18 year olds are "kids") showed up on my doorstep out of the blue. I had just come back from a run and was sweaty, my hair was going every direction and I wasn't wearing cute exercise clothes, rather an unfortunate combination of paint stained sweats and a dirty tee shirt. I was covered in dog hair, the dogs were going crazy and I'm surprised he didn't run away from the craziness of the whole scene. I didn't look professional or even presentable, so when he asked if I was the owner, in my head I was thinking, "don't represent camp looking like this!!" Pushing my embarrassment aside, I told him I was the director and asked what he needed.

He asked if I needed someone to cut the grass or do maintenance work. I told him I could take him name and phone number and give him a call if I had anything for him. At first I didn't think I would need him, but even though my dad is feeling much better and back to work, he's not working full time and has been struggling to keep up. With 6 hours worth of grass cutting every week has been difficult to stay ahead of and the mosquitoes have been out in SWARMS.

So I offered him 25 hours a week, cutting grass, raking, clearing brush and keeping the grounds cleared. Maintaining the grounds takes so much more time than most people can fully appreciate, so it will be nice to have some extra help.

Maintenance Assistant(MA) lives right up the road from camp, so the added benefit is that we build neighborhood relations and add one more set of eyes to watch over camp. The more I have thought about him, the more benefits to employing him I have come up with.

A few weeks ago, we'd heard a rumor from another neighbor about a teenage boy who moved in with his grandparents nearby and was a bit of a troublemaker- breaking into barns and causing trouble. MA lives with his grandparents and is a bit rough around the edges (his two questions in our interview were- can he chew while moving the lawn and does he need to cover up his tattoos). I'm not sure if he is the hoodlum we've been hearing about, but perhaps this is a situation of, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer"- ie, let's give him a job and make him our friend so he doesn't break in to our buildings.

Rumors aside, I think MA is going to be a good addition to the camp team. You have to give him credit for taking the initiative to walk over and ask for a job. I like his ambition and so far, he's been working really hard.

During his interview he told me he'd grown up in a suburb near where I grew up. A few days after he began working, I was wearing one of my old YMCA shirts and he said, "you were a staff at the Y camp". Apparently he'd been a camper at my old camp and he recognized me. When he said that, all of a sudden, 10 year old MA popped into my mind and I remembered him. When I told my best friend X and my good friend M this story, (both of whom worked at camp) they recognized his name right away. I love when "what a small world" moments happen. Him being a former camper makes me pull for his success even more.

So camp has a new maintenance assistant. We'll see how it goes.

It Begins...

Lead Staff have arrived, which means summer has officially begun.

Assistant Program Director A is back for her third year. APDA is one of the loudest people I know. Her voice is sort of screechy and the majority of my family and friends who have met her find her to be really obnoxious. But there's something about her that I really enjoy and she's incredibly organized, hard working and helpful.

Program Director S won't be here until the weekend, but she is back for her 5th summer. She has been beside me for my entire camp journey and I can't imagine camp without her. The progress that we have made over the past 3 summers is unbelievable and last year at her mid summer review, I almost burst into tears as we reflected back on everything we'v done together. I am so thrilled she is back for another summer.

Program Director P was a counselor 2 years ago, missed last summer and is back to camp, this time as a lead staff. As a counselor, he was one of the most creative, most focused, most exceptional people I have ever worked with. I am thrilled that he is going to be a lead staff this summer.

In an interesting twist, about 6 months ago, PDS and PDP began dating! I was very surprised but very excited as I can't think of two nicer, more fabulous people. They are both very traditional and haven't dated much, and the moment I heard they were dating, I thought, "oh, they are going to end up getting married for sure!"

So when PDP asked me if I had a safe deposit box at camp yesterday and I asked why, I wasn't surprised at all when he pulled out a ring. Well, I was a little surprised because it's only been 6 months, but since PDS told me she was moving to Wisconsin at the end of the summer (where PDP has been accepted to grad school), engagement was clearly around the corner.

Two days into "summer" and already it looks like it will be action packed, filled with many interesting twists and I can't wait to see what is next...

Work Weekend 2011

This weekend was our annual work weekend. Usually it is at the end of April, but this year we pushed it back to give my dad some extra time to heal (and because registration was really low in April, so we were hoping more people would sign up).

Work weekend is always a WHIRLWIND. We had about 65 volunteers this year, which is slightly lower than in the past, and it rained all day on Saturday, and yet, we still got an amazing amount of work done. Everywhere I looked, people we cleaning, clearing paths, fixing screen doors, plumbing, doing electrical work and many other random things.

For 3 years, I've been annoyed that the light switch for the kitchen is at the back of the kitchen, meaning you have to navigate through a dark room before you can turn on the lights. A team of electricians did a variety of jobs this weekend, including putting a light switch outside the kitchen, adding outlets in places we've been wishing for outlets, motion sensors and timers on some of the lights as well as installing new, more energy efficient lights in the main lodge.

Possibly the best part of the weekend was a compliment I received from a man who was on the board of directors for almost 20 years and has been involved with camp since the 1980s. He told me he had never seen camp looking so well cared for. I appreciated his compliment because he has been around for a long time and has seen it at its best and worst.

By the time the last volunteer left today, I started feeling more ready, and excited for camp than I have for weeks. Summer is near...

Getting Through

Camp is not fun without staff, kids, programming, or sunshine. I thought being here would give me 2 months head start on organizing and getting ready for camp. But it has rained the majority of the time I have been here and all I have wanted to do is sit on the couch.

I broke up with my boyfriend shortly before coming to camp and even though I was the one who ended the relationship, I have been struggling to find peace with my decision. Endless days of nothing to do but think hasn't exactly helped and I think it's possible I've been close to losing my mind on multiple occasions.

For a few weeks, I was also fighting with my brother, which was actually worse than the end of my relationship. My brother is one of my most favorite people and not having him to talk to regularly and being mad, combined with endless hours of thinking... bad news.

I know that the gray rainy weather and my gray mood won't last forever- summer will be here soon. So I've just been trying to be nice to myself and patient and understanding that sometimes there are rough patches and I just have to get through it until it gets better.

I've spend endless hours on the phone with my best friend and with my mom. I've spent a lot of time with my puppies. I'm just getting through the in-between time right now. And I see glimmers of the sun, so I know that pretty soon, it will be better....

Final Paper

For my final paper for class, I had to choose a nonprofit organization to write about. The first five pages traced the history- from the beginning stages until present day. The last three pages analyzed the current position of the organization.

Founded in 1947, camp has been around for a long time. However, the history of the organization, photos, stories, artifacts, are limited. Over the past three years, I have heard stories, found things in drawers, met people who have filled in details, and little by little put together the pieces. It is sad that an organization that has been around for so long has not been preserved, but with the amount of turnover in leadership, it's not a surprise.

This paper was a great opportunity to really dig in and research the history. I interviewed several board members and two former directors. I read meeting minutes from 1949 until present. I made a chart of summer registrations, listed the names and dates of all of the previous directors, and by the time the paper was complete, I felt a new and deeper connection to camp than ever before.

I gained a new appreciation for the organization, the people who came before me and the fact that I am part of something that is much bigger than just the few summers I have been here. Camp has become my whole world, but really, I am just a small piece of a greater history. My perspective on my role at camp and camp overall has changed. Camp is not about me, what I want or my vision; rather, it is an honor to be part of and to take my turn leading this organization.

I received an 'A' on the paper and in the class overall. But by the time I submitted the paper, I had learned so much and felt such a deep connection to camp, that even the best grade couldn't possibly represent what I had gained.

Low Sodium

On the Early-Bird low sodium menu this evening is homemade pizza- I kneaded the dough myself.

I considered myself a pretty healthy cook until I began consciously cooking low sodium for my dad. But I'm adjusting and getting more and more confident with each meal.

Here's what I have learned so far-

1. Plan ahead- google recipes, shop for ingredients and start cooking early.

2. Staples that I used to have on hand (chicken stock, bread crumbs, cream soups, sauces, spice mixes, etc)= super salty (even the "low sodium" versions). You can get acceptable replacements at specialty grocery stores or in the organic section, but the small stores up north don't have much to offer. However, all of those things can be made (think- 1940s housewife in a frilly apron). Google it.

3. Make a menu in advance (see #1- plan ahead) so that you can make all of those "staple items" in advance.

4. Salt, butter, sugar, grease, preservatives- those are all the things that make everything taste good. The healthy version of everything tastes slightly different, but you get used to it.

So far I've succeeded with chili, chicken soup (noodle and rice), fettuccine alfredo, spaghetti and meatballs, fish, steak, roast chicken with stuffing, and today- PIZZA!

Customer Service

From now on, I only want to interact with people who have been trained in the art of customer service. There is nothing better than good customer service.

This morning I was on my 8th phone call in what has become a battle to get my dad's hospital records transfered to his primary care doctor. When my dad got out of the hospital, I asked how what we had to do to have the records transfered. "Oh it's automatic, don't worry, we'll get them there."

Uh huh.

When I called his doctor a week after he was released, the records weren't there. So I filled out a request form. And then I called back a few days later. And then I made 6 additional calls to try to straighten it out. It's a simple thing that I assume they do on a regular basis.

Finally this morning I was ready to burst into tears of frustration. I have done everything right. I am being as thorough as humanly possible. But it wasn't working and no one could help me. When I was transfered to the supervisor of medical records at the hospital, I was mentally preparing myself to be calm- I know it wasn't her fault. But my frustration got the best of me and as soon as I started talking to her, it turned into a two minute rant without pause for breath or to let her get a word in edgewise. I could hear myself and I knew I sounded hysterical. His appointment is tomorrow, so I also knew there was really nothing she could do to get the records there, but I couldn't stop my words from spewing all over her.

But this woman had obviously been trained in customer service and when I finally stopped speaking, she was prepared. First she apologized and then she empathized, and even though or maybe because I knew her technique, I immediately calmed down. Then she told me she was looking into it, giving me specific information that told me she was actually looking into it. And then she told me she would personally call the clinic and make she the records arrived via fax and that she would work out getting his scans transfered. She gave me her name, phone number and pager number and she told me she would call me back later to follow up. And later, she did call me back and somehow, the office had the records and my dad's doctor's nurse was personally looking at them to prepare for the appointment tomorrow. And I could have cried out of relief and appreciation.

There is nothing worse than having a problem and feeling powerless to fix it. And there is nothing better than when you finally find the person who has the power and can fix it for you.

Single Mom

My dad and I have been at camp for almost 2 weeks now and he's getting stronger every day. He still sleeps a lot and is limited in the things he can do, but we can both see the improvement, so that's the most important thing.

I'm happy to be here for my dad and I'm thankful for the ability to be here. He needs someone to be with him, and I think recovering in his own home is good for him, so my being here is necessary. And I will be here as long as he needs me (and probably longer than that since camp is right around the corner and I would be here for that regardless of his health).

As I said, I'm happy to be here for him. But I feel like I'm a single mom. Actually, I feel like a single mom from the 50s, or a single mom on the prairie or a poor single mom. Let me explain.

For the first week or so, my dad could do very little. I helped him put on his socks, told him when to nap, when to wake up, hooked up his portable oxygen tank and helped him walk to the mailbox and back. I pretty much never let him out of my sight, except to sleep, but I found that I slept much lighter than usual, waking up to every little sound in the house. He seemed so fragile and I was worried all the time. Our bedrooms share a wall, so I heard every time he tossed and turned.

The first week home was a sleep deprived blur of laundry, cooking, cleaning, and trying to keep him on a schedule. Wake up, get him dressed, make him breakfast, clean up breakfast, convince him to take a short walk, he naps while I cook or clean or do some work, wake him up from nap, feed him lunch, clean up lunch, another walk, make dinner, clean up dinner, he goes to bed and I crash onto the couch wondering where the day went as I had little to really show for it.

In the hospital, he gained about 45 pounds of excess fluid on his legs and abdomen (his liver wasn't able to keep up with filtering it out) and so he needs to be on a low sodium diet to prevent any more fluid retention. Low sodium- no big deal- I'm a healthy cook... um, wrong. I had NO idea how much salt is in EVERYTHING. Canned peas, spaghetti sauce, chicken broth, tortillas... The first trip to the grocery store took twice as long as usual because everything I picked up was too salty.

So now I cook pretty much everything from scratch because it's much easier to cut the salt out, however, I literally cook all day every day. One of the first days home, my dad walked into the kitchen and asked, "what are you making?" because there was a pot on the stove (chicken stock), a pan on the stove (cream of mushroom soup), a loaf of bread drying on the counter (stuffing and also bread crumbs) and none of it was actual dinner, just things I would usually buy at the store to use in meals I cook. I feel like I'm an apron away from being in 1950 or little house on the prairie. If feel like pretty soon I'm going to start mending socks and washing clothes in the lake.

Since the first week, my dad has been steadily improving and is getting much stronger. He's now dressing himself and keeping himself busy between naps. I'm getting more and more creative in the kitchen, running every day, playing with the puppies, getting tons of work done- all while balancing 3 or 4 pots and pans on the stove at once.

But then the day ends and I live in the woods. With no tv. And not much to do. So in addition to being a single mom, I'm apparently a poor single mom. It turns out living at camp is only really fun when you're getting ready for summer and lead staff are here and it's warm outside and every day is a sprint to get everything done in time for the adventure that awaits. But with a month of single motherhood ahead and snow in the forecast for tomorrow (despite it being April 19!), I'm feeling crabby.

Okay, okay, I'm having a little pity party for myself because I miss having a boyfriend, going out for sushi, drinking wine and devoting all of my free time to myself. I'm not actually a single mom. And with the amount of online shopping I do, it's probably sort of offensive to actual poor single moms to compare my bummer week with their actual lives.

Being able to help my dad during this time is a privilege. I know he will not be here forever and I will look back on this time and be very thankful for having spent it with him. And I'm getting really good at cooking. And my dogs are happy play freely in the woods all day. So I should probably stop whining and be thankful for the good things in life.

Education Round 2

For my final paper for my grad school class, I have to write an 8 page paper- an in depth look at an organization (delving into a variety of different aspects of the nonprofit).

When I looked at the full description of the paper, I couldn't help but this how beneficial it would be to study and analyze camp. My time is spent on day to day operations, there's not really time left over to do this sort of study of the organization, so if I could use my classwork as an opportunity to do a project I don't have time for, it would serve duel purposes. I didn't think that my professor would go for it, but I decided to ask anyway.

As I'd expected, she said no, but her reasoning was that she thought it would give me an advantage over the other students.

What?

This is an online class and we don't see each others papers. We aren't graded on a curve. My work has absolutely nothing to do with the other students.

So after a few days of being annoyed and struggling to decide which organization I would study, I decided to email her back and plead my case. I sent a very well thought out, polite email, arguing that as a struggling organization, all of the information I needed for the paper wasn't readily available, so it would still be a lot of research and work (and not just the easy way out) and that because it is something my organization needs, this would be not only be me learning the concepts and information, but also doing hands-on work that can actually be used.

Her response was, "I would prefer that you do not use your organization for your final paper. I do feel it gives you an advantage over the other students. However, I will make an exception if you are willing to forfeit five points. Let me know what you decide."

Perhaps this email came when I was more exhausted than I realized, but her answer annoyed me so much I wanted to scream!

As an undergrad, everything I learned was theory and concept- I couldn't apply it to "real life" because learning was my whole life. I would have written the paper on anything she wanted. I would have jumped through the hoops so I could get a good grade. But this class has been a different experience because I am able to directly apply each new lesson to my present day work. So it just makes so much sense to me that this assignment not only be for learning, but also for practical use. I like learning for the sake of learning, but in this case, it seems like a waste of time when I could be learning and DOING something useful at the same time.

But fine, she was willing to let me do it, minus 5 points. I gritted my teeth in annoyance and wrote a slightly more snappy response than I ordinarily would-

I wasn't aware I was in competition with the other students. I have learned a great deal from the other students in discussion, and I hope they have benefited from my contributions as well. However, I am in this class to learn for my own sake, regardless of the other students.

I will take the 5 point deduction because regardless of my grade at the end, I think I will learn more in the long run. I'm not in this class to compete or to try to have the best grade- I am in this class to gain knowledge in order to best run my organization.

Thank you for the exception.

I've been ideal student my entire life because I have always done exactly what I was told. I never had trouble with authority or rules. I was successful because I gave my teachers exactly what they asked for without question. I started my career in the same way, but as my leadership skills have developed and as I have become confident as an adult, I have become peers with so many of the authorities I spent my life answering to.

So education is different this time around.

When I was 18-22, I would have thought the professor knew everything and couldn't be wrong and if she wanted an assignment a certain way, I would trust there was a reason for it.

Now?

This woman is a few years older than me. Like me, she's had a career in nonprofit organizations. She has more work experience than I do and certainly more knowledge in the nonprofit sector overall. But the grammar on her syllabus sucks, which yes, I notice and judge. Our titles of "professor" and "student" separate us, but I not enough to turn me back into an obedient 18 year old.

Advocate

My dad is on oxygen for the next few months until his lungs completely recover. When he left the hospital, three different types of equipment were delivered to my house- a concentrator, which is like an oxygen tank but it runs on electricity. It has 50 feet of hose so he can walk around the house without having to carry anything with him. He also has oxygen tanks and a little cart so he can leave the house and still have oxygen with him. The tanks last about 4 continuous hours, so we have several of them. We also have a back-up tank, which is the same as the portable, but lasts 24 hours (in case the power goes out and he can't use the concentrator).

When we moved to camp, I couldn't fit the back-up tank in my car (we had a lot of other stuff), nor could I lift it myself, but the medical supply company had already said they could pick up and deliver any of the equipment.

Thursday we were supposed to get the new back-up tank, more portable tanks and also some pads for the tube because his ears have been really sore where it rests. I was in the city for a meeting, and when I returned later, my dad told me that the delivery guy didn't have the back-up tank or ear pads, but he'd offered to bring them when he returned to the area in 4 weeks.

My dad told him that was fine, but he should probably expect an angry call later.

4 weeks?! Um, no. Completely unacceptable. Cue angry phone call.

My mom always warns me to be polite. I think it is because when I tell her stories, I usually include the phrases, "stupid idiots" and "they've gotta be f&@%ing kidding me?!" a lot. But I'm always polite.

"The driver told me he forgot the ear pads. I've already fed-exed them out to you" was the response as soon as I told the coordinator my name.

"And the back-up tank?" -me

"He forgot that too?" -coordinator

"Yes, he had three things and he forgot two of them. What can you do for me?" -me

"I can have him back to you on Monday?" (his tone was more of a question)

"Today would be better."

"How about tomorrow morning?"

I feel like I've been fighting every step of the way since this whole fiasco began. I'm not sure if this is how it goes when someone gets sick. Everyone told me I needed to be an advocate for my dad and that I've been doing a good job. I don't think I've been unreasonable with my expectations and I don't regret any of the demands I've made thus far. I've been polite, patient and kind. But I have also been assertive, thorough and relentless.

I'd like to think my dad would have gotten the same level of care regardless if I was involved or not. But I'm actually not sure if that is the case.

I'm not sure what people do if they don't have someone there to advocate for them. Even if you are completely competent and assertive normally, when you are sick, you truly can't advocate for yourself. It's a little bit scary to think about actually.

Recovering at Camp

One week ago (on Thursday), my dad got out of the hospital. On Friday, we drove back to camp. Originally, we all thought he would stay at my house for a few days or even a few weeks. I wasn't sure how many follow up appointments he would have, and we didn't want to rush off to the woods if he still might need to go to a doctor.

But his follow up appointment isn't for two weeks and there was no reason to stay at my house. In the 24 hours he was there, he was already starting to go crazy. No matter how comfortable I tried to make the spare room or the rest of my house- he wanted to be at home. His home. In his bed. With his stuff. His surroundings. When you don't feel well, you want to be in the place you feel most comfortable, so being at my house wasn't going to work.

Also, we are in a unique situation- I can work from anywhere, so I didn't have to take time off from work. I also just happen to live at my dad's house for 4 months a year, so moving with him wasn't difficult either. I was going to move to camp in the middle of May anyway- moving a month early wasn't a big adjustment. My brother and my aunts all live in the city, so moving 3 hours away up North meant that they wouldn't be much help, but ultimately, this is about what is best for my dad, not what is most convenient for all of us.

We've been here a week now and it's going well. My dogs are thrilled to be back at camp, living the dream life, relaxing outside and playing until they pass out. I don't have to drive to the office in the morning; I've pretty much worn sweatpants 24/7 and with little to entertain me, I've been incredibly productive with both camp and school work.

And my dad is improving- 3 weeks ago the doctors said he might die. So the fact that he is out of the hospital is a huge improvement. Recovery is going to be a long road- he needs help putting on his socks and he naps several times a day. We take two walks a day- just slightly farther than the mailbox and back, which still requires several breaks and he usually has to nap afterwards. He has to use oxygen 24/7, which he hates and he is on a strict low sodium diet, but he's improving every day. He gets frustrated sometimes, but this is just a small speed bump along the road of life. Maybe someday we will look back and laugh, or well, if not laugh, at least be able to say, "remember that short period of time when it was kinda rough- I'm glad that's over!" So we'll move forward, one day at a time, until this is behind us.

Hospital

After 15 days in the hospital, my dad is out. A broken rib led to a broken blood vessel, which led to a chest filled with blood, which led to a blood infection, which led to a helicopter ride, 4 days in the ICU and 15 days overall in the hospital.

I've been at the hospital every day. I don't think I've ever done anything for 15 days straight- even at camp there are weekends. It's been a blur of medical lingo, exhaustion, stress, unanswered questions and at the risk of making this about me, and not my dad (who was, ya know, in the hospital), I feel like I've been in a nonstop battle.

At first my dad was in too much pain and too drugged to comprehend anything. They told me to prepare myself that he might not walk out of the hospital. Helicopter and ICU aside, I didn't think we were talking about death serious. The doctors didn't have any answers, he was just a complete wreck. His lungs were filled with fluid. His liver couldn't keep up and was thus not functioning. His kidneys, blood pressure, pancreas- they were all messed up. He had a raging infection, somewhere in his body. I just kept thinking, "it was just a broken rib, that's not a big deal. This can't be right."

They tested everything every day and every day, I demanded to know what the results were, to see the scans, to speak with the doctors. I developed a reputation early on- polite but demanding. He wasn't coherent enough to answer questions or retain any information, and he deferred to me to speak and listen for him.

He moved out of the ICU, which they told me was a good thing, but I was still stuck on that whole, "possible death thing" so I wasn't celebrating. The first night on the regular floor went fine. But the next night I got a frantic call from my aunt, who told me he was talking gibberish (which he had been for a few days) and that he was very agitated. A few minutes later she called back to say he'd pulled everything out- chest tube and IVs. When I got to the hospital a few minutes later, my dad told me the nurse was hurting him and begged me not to leave his bedside. For 6 days he'd been telling me he was fine and to go home and not worry, so this was new.

I'd warned the nurses to watch him before I'd left earlier that day. He was confused and trying to take apart several pieces of medical equipment. I wouldn't say I yelled, but I certainly didn't hold back, and I was aware that there were several nurses watching me as I spoke with the head nurse. They moved him to a different room, with a different nurse and he calmed down. Early the next morning, I was back and ready to be there for the day. When he woke up, he didn't know where he was, was seeing things and I was afraid it was going to be a very bad day. But eventually the meds wore off and he calmed down and by the end of the day, he was okay again.

Day to day was a roller coaster- one day he would be feeling good, talking about projects at camp, telling me to go do something fun instead of hanging out at the hospital. The next day, he would be depressed, sure this was the end and he wasn't getting out of the hospital ever. I spent the days sitting by his bedside, refilling his water, telling him he would be fine, helping him change his gown or go to the bathroom, hunting down his nurse every few minutes to request another blanket, more pain medication, or any other random thing he wanted. I spoke with dozens of doctors, physical therapists, occupational therapists, the dietitian. I knew his stats better than any of them and peppered them with questions.

When he got strong enough to move around, I helped him stand up, go for walks, shower. Once he was feeling slightly better physically, the biggest challenge seemed to be emotional. With no real schedule, nothing to do and still feeling pretty awful, the days were difficult for him. I would arrive first thing in the morning and tell him our plan for the day. Brush teeth. Change gown. Walk down the hall. Nap. Eat. Breathing exercises. Nap. Snack. Walk. And so on and so on. Having a schedule seemed to help keep him upbeat.

When I was at the hospital, I was worried about my dogs or housework or feeling like I should be in the office or worried about school work. When I was in the office, I wanted to be in the hospital, afraid I was missing some new piece of information. For 15 days, I've wanted to crawl out of my skin- completely unable to feel comfortable anywhere. I felt like I was fighting the whole time- fighting for information, fighting to make sure he was getting what he needed, fighting to keep him optimistic. It's such a powerless feeling. Waiting for test results, waiting for medicines to kick in, waiting for progress, for answers, for normal to come back.

But now he's out and we're starting the rehabilitation process. The doctors say 2-3 months. He claims he's a fast healer and they don't know what they are talking about and he'll be fine in a few weeks. Arguing and knowing more than everyone is a clear sign to me that he's feeling stronger, so I'm happy to hear him rant. And hopefully he'll be good as new as quickly as he thinks...

Thug Life

The hospital my dad is at is a level 1 trauma center. The patients here are the worst of the worst. They don't just have an injury or illness, they are also addicted to drugs, have ongoing health problems and have had rough lives. According to the nurse who explained all of this to me, that's a good thing.

"You don't want your dad to be the sickest person the doctors have seen. Yes, his injury is serious, but it's pretty basic compared to some of the patients they see. These doctors are used to complicated, and so your dad is in good hands."

I hadn't thought of it that way and her logic was comforting. I'm not sure how accurate it was, but it was comforting. The hospital is in the middle of downtown and every time I walk inside, I have to pass by the creepy people standing outside (why so many people are standing outside a hospital, I have no idea).

Walking inside today, a thug-ish, potential gang member was hanging out and as I approached he said, "hey girl". Judging by the way he put his hands up and backed away, I'm guessing the look I gave him fully conveyed my feelings of rage and potential for violence. I've been at the hospital 6 days in a row, my dad is 45 pounds heavier than when he arrived (his abdomen and legs are filled with fluid because his liver isn't working) and I'm not sure how long it's going to take for him to get better. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm stressed out and I am not happy about being at this hospital with all of the riff raff in the city.

I carry pepper spray on my key chain and I wouldn't hesitate to use it on my best day, so today is not the day to try me. Don't let the khaki pants and pink shirt fool you- I am the most threatening person out here.

Promise

"Can I go play over on that pile of broken glass on the edge of that cliff with those rabid wolves?" -Camper

"No, that's not safe, you could get hurt." -Me

"But I promise I won't get hurt." -Camper

"You promise promise???" -Me

A little while later, camper comes to me crying and bleeding.

"But you promised you wouldn't get hurt!" -Me

This isn't an actual scenario, rather, a culmination of experiences from early in my career. As an 18 year old, with little experience with kids, it's difficult to say no. Kids will say anything to try to convince you and even though you've been trained in safety procedures, 8 year olds can be very convincing.

Convincing until you have to go to your boss a few times and ask for an incident report and you learn that kids can't actually promise not to get hurt, accidents are, by nature, unintentional.

A month ago, my dad fell and broke his ribs while working. I wanted to file a worker's comp report but because my dad hates all things official, he was completely against it. We argued for 2 days and it was difficult for me to make a decision against my dad's wishes, even though I knew it was the right choice.

But then he said, "I promise this isn't a big deal and nothing else will come of it" and a GIANT red flag shot up and I remembered every similar conversation I'd ever had involving campers making that same promise, and my decision became clear. Even more convincing than my commitment to running this camp according to policy and procedure (which is strong), was the fact that "I promise I won't get hurt" is an almost guarantee that blood is imminent.

Cut to a month later (ie- Thursday of last week) and I miss 4 calls during the time it took me to shower. Willy was driving my dad to the hospital because he couldn't breathe. Which soon led to him being moved into the ICU. Which led to a helicopter ride across the state to a level 1 trauma center intensive care unit, 2 chest tubes and a possible upcoming chest surgery.

As of today, he's been in the ICU for 4 days and his hospital stay is going to be at least another week.

He promised that nothing would come of a little cracked rib. Luckily I'm not 18 and worried about being the "bad guy" anymore. I learned my lesson, a few bloody campers ago- making the right choice and dealing with a crabby kid (or dad) is tough, but not nearly as tough as a conversation that starts with, "but you promised..."

Party

I'm trying a new technique to recruit campers by asking parents to host a part in their home, invite other parents who might be interested in camp and let me show a video, talk to them and convince them our camp is the place for their child. This was a very common thing for camp directors did many years ago. Some still do it, and so far, it seems promising.

One of the mother's who agreed to host also sells Mary Kay products, so she's done lots of these types of parties and will hopefully be successful in helping me sell camp. In addition to a camp party, she is also hosting a Mary Kay party that day, which will hopefully increase the number of attendees. She told me about it so I could stay after my part was done and I was planning on it, until I got the invitation today.

It's not just a Mary Kay party, it is also a Pure Romance party. If you have not heard the million radio ads for Pure Romance, it is just like a Tupperware or make up party, but for sex toys! I'm a bit uptight to begin with and I think if I ever attended one of these I'd have to spend the evening actively pulling my jaw off the floor in between gasping at nearly everything that was brought out.

With friend, it would be awkward. But with a camper's mother (and a room of potential camper mothers), the very thought gives me the chills. I've not been to one of these parties, but I imagine it is like a Tuppeware party where the host takes out a product, we all pass it around, oohing and ahhing. I'm picturing a giant penis shaped toy and trying to think of what kind of reaction I would have when it was passed to me. Polite head nodding? Pinch it between two fingers and avoid looking directly at it? Excuse myself to go to the bathroom as soon as it is brought out of the bag? Feign wild enthusiasm and excitement? Perhaps not even the way these parties work, but the though of it makes me want to crawl under a rock and die.

So now I'm thinking up excuses for how to get out of there as soon as my presentation is done. I'll let you know how it goes...

Climbing

My boyfriend and I went on vacation with 3 other couples last week. These were my BF's friends, and I hadn't spent much time with them up until this trip, so there was lots of "get to know ya" conversations.

Most of them worked for big companies and as late 20 somethings, are working hard to climb the corporate ladder, establish themselves, and move forward in their careers. Not all of them liked their jobs, but acknowledged that it was part of the process. They were curious about my job- a small nonprofit organization, a board of directors as a boss, working with kids- all of it was very different that their jobs.

"Climbing the ladder" seemed to be a pretty common topic that everyone, despite having different jobs, was doing. As we spent the week laying by the pool and chatting, I heard about their current positions, jobs they wanted to apply for, their dream jobs for the future and the process of how to get there.

In several conversations, I heard similar comments from my vacation comrades- success means achieving the “right” title, gaining power, prestige and respect, and making the most money you can in your field.

Years ago, I fell in love with camp and decided I wanted to work in camping forever. Early on, using the same criteria for measuring success, I chose the highest position you could have- executive director- and set my sights on that as my ultimate goal.

After three years of being there, my goal has changed slightly. I still want to be an executive director, running a resident camp. But after reading every book and article I could find about camp, and getting to know dozens of other camp directors from a variety of different camps- all who have had vastly different careers, I am able to better define what I aspire to become.

I want to be a camp director that spends her entire career in one place. I want to put my passion and energy into building a community and making a lasting impact on both the camp and the people who come to camp.

I want my career to be a journey of growth, learning, and love.

It’s not about money, achievement, or getting ahead. It’s about making a commitment- planting seeds and watching them develop over time. It’s about facing the challenges, celebrating the successes, and being consistent throughout the years of growth and change. It's the ability to look back and know your hard work has gone into creating something.

In the past, people had the same job for decades, but now it’s common for people to change jobs every few years. I know that my life and my dreams might very well change in the future. It’s difficult to plan where you’ll be three years from now, so planning 30 years ahead is probably unrealistic. And I recognize that my “career goal” (if you want to call it that) is a bit idealistic.

So when the question of, “where do you hope to be in your career in 5 years?” comes up, I tend to just shrug and say, “oh, I’m not sure exactly what’s next for me” and then direct the conversation back to them. Because there's no way to say, "I'm working on building a legacy" without causing everyone in the room to roll their eyes.

Rally Day 2011

Camp's third annual Rally Day was this morning. As always, I was SICK to my stomach, terrified no one would show up or that some sort of disaster would occur. I hope that there comes a time when I don't agonize over every event, because today was lovely and all of my worrying was pointless.

7 of my summer staff from last year, Nurse J, my boyfriend, my mom and I arrived early to set up. We did it in a different location this year, which was a much bigger space, but, I feared, if only a few people came, would be awkwardly empty.

We set up an information table, camp store items to sell, face painting, a coloring contest, a scavenger hunt, as well as several other games, including a makeshift gaga pit. Both dogs were there, my saint of a mother walking them around, making sure they got water, went outside and didn't cause any trouble.

Families started rolling in 10 minutes before it was even supposed to begin. Two of my board members came, and at one point, I'd been deep in conversation and when I looked up, I was overwhelmed to see a HUGE crowd of people happily playing games, talking with the staff, cooing over the dogs- everyone smiling and enjoying themselves.

I have been saying since the first day I began this position that I could turn this camp around in 5 years. It's been three years and the programming, administration, physical property, marketing (and many other areas) are running well, really well. But we are still at 50% capacity. Building relationships is the most time consuming, slowest, most intense piece of this effort, but it is the most important element in our future success. We had significantly more people at Rally Day this year than we did last year or the first year. Today was a great example of how many relationships I've already made and how crucial it is to build a community. I feel very positive about our progress and I'm looking forward to Rally Day 4.