"Racist"

There is a convent in the inner city near our office that has been sending kids to camp for many years. The Sisters fundraise about $30,000 to send kids each summer. Camp welcomes about 40 campers each of the first three weeks of summer. With our enrollment as low as it is (some weeks had only 50 out of 155 beds filled), these kids make up a huge percent of campers during those first weeks.

The kids that come from the Sister's are wonderful, sweet kids. But they have had difficult lives. They live in a very poor, violent neighborhood. They have lost relatives to gang violence, have parents in prison, are keenly aware of drugs, prostitution and other terrible things going on all around them. It's tragic, and not fair and camp is a wonderful place for them to come and be carefree kids for a week each summer. Giving kids a life changing experience in an outdoor setting is the reason I work at camp. This is my whole career.

The Board loves to sit around and talk about what good work our camp does, particularly with these kids. They love to tell potential donors about the kids and they love to show smiling happy pictures of groups of campers playing together. They brag about the diversity of our camp and how everyone goes home as best friends. But it's not that simple. The first three weeks of camp are awful. There are nonstop problems in the cabins, staff are overwhelmed and stressed out, and parents complain like it's their job. In the Spring, I did a calling campaign to remind former campers to sign up before summer. At least 10 parents commented that they either weren't sending kids back because of a bad experience the year before, or that they would send their kids back, as long as I would tell them which weeks were the "special" weeks, so they could avoid them. After the first three weeks of camp this summer, I talked to at least a dozen more parents who said, "I'm not racist but, why didn't anyone tell me I signed my kid up during a special week?"

These calls infuriated me at first. How dare people be so racist?! But the more conversations I had, the more I started to understand parents. Our brochure and dvd show mostly white kids, and the other weeks of the summer, 99% of the kids are white suburban kids. So I can understand parents being surprised and a little annoyed that no one says anything about the difference in the first three weeks. And I can understand that when their campers come home and tell them that kids in their cabin were talking about drugs or gangs, suburban parents would be upset.

Camp is a healing place for kids and there were several instances this summer where kids opened up about issues in their lives that other kids, my staff and I couldn't even begin to relate to. How do you silence a kid who starts talking about a recently killed brother or jailed father? You don't. But then you take phone calls from parents who are angry because they don't want their kids exposed to that.

As I plan next summer, I am bound and determined to address this issue. No one wants to have the conversation because everyone is afraid of coming across as racist. But I'm going to have the conversation particularly because I'm not racist, but because I love kids and want this camp to work, and I am WELL aware that it's not, no matter how many times we congratulate ourselves for being so diverse.

"S" runs a local organization that focuses on urban issues and addressing issues relating to diversity. I had coffee with her last week to ask her for her opinion. The idea of separating Sister's kids into one closed week has been in my head, but I was terribly afraid of what people would think if I segregated camp. Within 2 minutes of the conversation, "S" summed it up and then for the next hour, we had the most empowering, exciting conversation I can remember having. She said, "this isn't a racial issue. You have a disproportionate number of traumatized children. Yes, the majority of them are minorities, don't deny that, but if you had a busload of minority children from the suburbs, you wouldn't have this problem. These are kids that witness violence and are not going to counseling afterwards. They are not average kids, they are deeply wounded kids. And you will always have problems when you try to mix traumatized kids with average kids and think they will all just blend." After she said that, we talked about the idea of separating them and during that week, bringing in some specialists to help facilitate break out sessions, healing conversations, and deal with issues. My staff are 20 year olds with little experience. I will never be able to get educated, professionals to come for a whole summer, earning $200/week, but I could get them for one week. Lots of camps separate out weeks for kids with illnesses, parents who are in the military, etc. Why not have a special week for these kids?

I spent the week feeling so excited. I started researching grants, and thinking about just what a huge difference we could make by being intentional with our focus. And then I had breakfast with Sister.

I knew it was going to be a tough sell. She has been sending kids to camp for a LONG time and change is never easy. I also knew she felt strongly about giving them a "normal" camp experience (wtf that means, I dunno...). But I was so excited and didn't know how she could argue with helping kids who need it.

1. Deny that they are any different than any kid and that they don't need help.
2. Claim (in the sweetest voice and calmest manner) that the Camp Director needs to develop tougher skin and learn to take criticism from parents, rather than trying to change things.
3. Claim (in said sweet manner) that the Camp Director is racist.
4. Explain to Camp Director that diversity is important and that by putting them all together in one week (rather than three weeks) that the diversity of camp will go down. When Camp Director agrees that diversity is important but points out that three token weeks doesn't really count as a "diverse camp", reiterate to Camp Director that diversity is important (pretending she didn't just say that back).
5. Tell Camp Director that her staff are not very well trained and need to be taught to listen to kids and facilitate difficult discussions.
6. Tell Camp Director camp is ABSOLUTELY NOT the place for any type of therapy.
7. Tell Camp Director that there are great problems in society when it comes to race and that camp needs to fight those battles.

Speechless.

1. "Traumatized" isn't me judging. I can tell you 8 specific stories of things campers told me about drugs, gangs, violent deaths, and lost parents. That doesn't include what my staff dealt with. These kids need help. Don't deny it.
2. I have thick skin, but when an issue comes up again and again, it's my responsibility to address it. In addition to trying to deal with this situation, I am also going to get a ladder for the dock and trail mix at the camp store. you know why? Because they were REOCCURRING comments and so I will respond. When parents tell me the same thing over and over again, I need to do something about it.
3. I'm not racist.
4. I want camp to be diverse too, but 3 weeks of diversity and then the rest of the summer with almost zero non-white campers isn't diverse.
5. My staff were awesome and very well trained. But they were also 20 years old, in their first or second year of higher education, and have never been traumatized. What exactly do you think I can do with them in 6 days of training to prepare them for a busload of traumatized children?
6. Camp is a great place for therapy because it's a healing peaceful place where kids feel safe and loved and able to open up and be themselves and share their feelings.
7. Yes. There are problems in society with race. But what are we accomplishing in 6 days of camp with untrained staff and unsuspecting kids? We are further alienating these groups because they walk away with a negative experience.

Towards the end of the conversation, she kindly suggested that maybe she should take her kids to a YMCA camp... Um, excuse me? Yes, that's what she said. She threatened me. She threatened me with $30,000. And me and my deficit-ed budget can't say a word about it. Because with $30,000, she calls the shots. I asked if she was considering the Y because they had a better suited program or because she disagreed with my suggestion (I used to work for the Y, I know what they have to offer). She sweetly explained that if I decided to make this change, it would be against her principles and she would have to pull her campers.

The end. There is absolutely no reasoning with that. There is no convincing her otherwise, because my whole argument is based on her kids needing something more and she flat out denies that they do, so there's nowhere for that argument to go.

I walked out feeling shocked, numb, powerless, defeated and frustrated. I'm the one who gets to deal with three weeks of camper issues, three weeks of staff stress, angry parent phone calls, and the knowledge that we have potential to do great work but we aren't. And on top of choosing not to help, our choice is actually the more difficult option, so it's sort of a double whammy.

I understand that money= power, but I still expected that good would be chosen over idleness. I don't know where to go from here, but I feel so completely deflated, I am not sure where to draw renewed motivation from.

Pumpkin Expolsion

In the spirit of fall and with Halloween around the corner, I decided to make pumpkin soup. I've never actually eaten it before, but I was reading a book and in it, they were eating pumpkin soup and the recipe was even included, and it sounded great. I imagined myself in a warm sweater, sipping soup, watching the leaves turn color and fall to the ground, and the whole thing sounded great. So I bought a pumpkin and cleaned it out and prepared to make myself some delicious soup.

Let's be really clear. These little fantasies involving me being domestic need to end. There is a reason my mother and grandmother burned their bras and sought higher education. It was so that future generations of women didn't have to stay at home making homemade soup. And in the future, I need to remember that liberated feminist= enough sense to go buy homemade soup from a nice restaurant or a high end grocery store. But I did not remember that today. Today, I played 50s housewife in the kitchen... And reminded myself the hard way why I don't want to be that.

Pumpkin soups sounds easy. The basic idea is that you combine vegetable stock with milk, add spices, dump it all into the cleaned out pumpkin, toss the whole thing in the oven for two hours, stirring occasionally to get the mushy pumpkin inside mixed with the liquid. In the end, you should have creamy, pumpkin-y soup inside a pumpkin.

At the end of two hours I had mushy pumpkin filled with something that looked a lot like runny vomit. But I had high hopes that if I stirred it and it sat a minute or two, maybe I could still have my little Autumn fantasy with soup and crunchy leaves and goodness.

And then I watched the pumpkin drain rapidly, ignoring the foil I had wrapped around it (to prevent dripping into my oven) and gushing all over my the floor, under the stove, into the drawer thing on the bottom of the stove and even getting into the heating vent next to the stove. Luckily I had pulled the metal oven rack out to check the pumpkin and so my hot (hard to clean) oven was spared from the majority of the drainage. Be aware: a half gallon of liquid can cover a kitchen faster than you can react to the soft pumpkin it was cooking in collapsing. It was a pumpkin explosion.

It took longer to clean up pumpkin soup than it did to prepare it. And I never actually got to taste it. And I'm pretty sure that for a while, every time the heat goes through the kitchen vent, it will smell like pumpkin. Lesson learned.

More Pottery

I continue to make squished little pots that sort of resemble pottery but actually look more like a three year old's Play-Dough project. I'm usually such a natural artist, so this is a surprise. But I'm not bitter, nor unhappy even. Because every time my pottery teacher asks if he can help and guides my hands, I am filled with peace and my heart gets the same content feeling that you get when you are cuddled on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, sipping hot cocoa on a really cold day. I don't think I've ever been attracted to someone's spirit, but I am to his, and so I gladly exchange bad pottery for moments of bliss. Perhaps it's been too long since I last dated. But that's not really the point. I don't know that I could even date someone like that.

At my last class, as he watched me center a piece of clay (like a pro, despite him watching thank you very much) he commented that he thought I had gotten much better. I gave him a look of, "dude, you have to say that, you're being paid to be nice and teach me pottery" and he said, "you've learned to connect your energy to the clay's energy and you seem much more focused and less manic." That part made me laugh out loud because it wasn't the first time I've heard "manic" to describe me. It's been 6 pottery classes but he's pretty much got it. I think I must sign up for pottery class for the rest of my life and continue to drink in his warmth, letting it wash away mania, leaving peace in it's place... And providing me and everyone I know with ashtray/bowl/mug hybrids.

Mail-Merge

I love this job because I get to create exciting, interesting experiences for kids. Experiences they won't have at home or school or anywhere else. Experiences that will stay in their memories until they are old because they had never done anything like that before. I get to provide them with opportunities to learn something new, see something in a different light, grow their self confidence and have fun. At the same time I get to work with kids, I also get to work with staff, which, the older I get, the more I consider to be just older kids. Staff decide to work for camp because "sing songs, play games and work with kids" sounds like a really fun, easy job. Within the first hour of actually being responsible for kids, new staff have a look of complete bewilderment as they realize the job is not as easy as they'd expected. Fun yes, easy no. And with that realization comes the challenge of their life. But also, growth and learning and a completely life changing experience.

In my job, I oversee all of the growing and learning, sometimes guiding, sometimes cheer leading, but for the most part, just making sure that everything is running smoothly so that all of the campers and staff can be affected in the way camp is supposed to touch their lives. It's an incredible privilege to be part of that. In the off season, I work on all of the details of "running smoothly". It annoys me beyond words when people ask what I do during the other 9 months of the year. Do they think that I show up on the first day of camp and everything is just in place? Do they think that well-run programming happens spontaneously? The more effortless it looks, usually means A LOT Of effort went into creating it.

So it's the off season and I am busy working on the annual campaign to get money so we can operate, ordering camp store items, updating the website, planing programming for next summer, recruiting and hiring staff... the list goes on. I like having my fingerprints on every last detail of camp, and I know that I will be able to do my job even better during the summer because I have personally been involved with EVERY tiny thing about this camp, and in fact, have probably had a LONG conversation, exchanged emails with a Board member, gotten frustrated and vented to my best friend about most things that everyone will assume happened spontaneously. I'm not complaining, but I'm in awe of how much really goes in to everything. I know it will be worth it this summer as I watch campers laugh and have fun and as I watch the counselors literally grow before my eyes.

And I have to remind myself of that because the details are tedious and make me want to bang my head against a wall. Yesterday I had several, very long conversations throughout the day, with multiple people about mail-merge. Mail-merge is the process of taking a list of names and addresses and getting them into a mailing so that each person who opens the letter will see his or her own name and think, "wow, they care so much they wrote to me personally."

No one really thinks that though, because mail-merge is standard. "Standard" should not be confused with "easy" because it was not an easy process to go through. I think it's supposed to be, but we don't do anything the easy way here, and so it required me to spend many precious hours of my life talking about and agonizing over it. The Board President, who, in real life is the Vice President of a major investment banking corporation, and has two Secretaries to do all tedious mailing tasks, for some reason wants to be very involved with said mailing from yesterday. I appreciate his interest and I appreciate that he offered to have his secretary print all 2500 double sided copies in color at his office. That will save us an obscene amount of money. But he doesn't really know anything about sending a mailing of this size, nor does he know anything about printing, mail-merge or any of the things that he wanted to be involved with. And so he was making so much more work for us with each email and phone call. I eventually decided to bypass him and speak directly with his secretary and try to leave him out of some of the details, but even still, it was a ridiculous process for a letter most people will throw away.

This is not what I envisioned when I dreamed of a career in camping. I pictured much more kayaking in the sunshine and s'mores around a fire, and far less tedious office tasks...

Back to the Woods

On Thursday, I headed back into the woods. I was excited to go back to camp and excited to skip two days of work. My office has been stressful lately- economic problems haven't hit us yet, but they are coming. We are in the beginning stages of our annual campaign and everyone is stressed out about it, because we need that money to operate. Will people be in a giving mood this year? I don't know, but I'm stressed about what will happen in the months ahead. Further ahead than that, March-May looms like a black cloud. Will people be able to spend $500 for Junior to go to camp for a week? I don't know, and it makes my stomach hurt to think about. My hope is that people who saw a value in donating money will still feel that way and give, despite the state of the economy, and that when it comes time for camp, people will make their children a priority.

My therapist would say that worrying about the future is pointless and to live in the now, blah blah... And I'm trying. So I headed into the peaceful North woods.

The leaves on the trees were bright yellow, orange, and red and camp seems to have a golden glow. It was breathtaking and very calming. My dad had a fire roaring in the fireplace of his house and also outside, so everywhere I went had a really nice smoky fire smell. He's been working hard clearing trees and brush, getting rid of the random junk that still needed to go, organizing and changing camp from a run down trailer park yard into a beautiful woodsy retreat.

He showed me around and pointed out all of the projects he's done and we talked about the projects he would be working on in the future. We share a similar vision for how camp should look and when we get on a roll with planning, we tend to build off each others' energy until we are both so excited we can hardly stand it. By the time May comes, we are going to have this camp looking better than it has in years. I'm so thrilled. It makes all of the stress and hard work worth it.

Pottery

Everyone on my Christmas list is getting an ashtray. I'm not trying to encourage smoking or anything, it's just that that seems to be the only thing I can make (check the picture... it's just a random image off the internet, but it looks just like mine... you know what I searched to find it? "BAD POTTERY"... it popped right up).

It's not my fault though. I'm 100% blaming the teacher. Why? Is he not teaching? No, in fact, he is just the perfect combination of inspirational and informative, and I think, under different circumstances, I could be a pottery genius just from listening to him. The other students in my class seem to be learning, they're cranking out pottery like it's their job.

But no. Something about him has me smitten, and the smitten-ness is not allowing me to create pottery. It is allowing me to start great pieces, and then when he comes near me to encourage and inspire, I get all jittery and the next thing you know, my clay is squished into a little mess. Not cool, fun or fabulously sexy like on "Ghost". Just sorta frustrating actually. So I have been letting my family and friends know to expect ashtrays and to start preparing their excited/impressed faces, because I created art for them under great duress. I am normally a pretty crafty person, so being the worst in class is not easy. I'm concerned he is going to tell me I need to register for remedial pottery next session and that I will be in class with 8 year olds, blind people and people who have lost their arms and now use their feet for everything. I don't know if I will be able to handle it if I flunk community ed, non-graded, pottery.

Why am I smitten with my pottery teacher? I DON'T KNOW. That's the worst part. He's not big or ripped with muscles, he doesn't seem to be emotionally unavailable and he's not interested in hockey or ultimate fighting, boxing or any other sport where someone could get killed. He is short, bald, pale and quite skinny, soft spoken, extremely kind, positive and encouraging, calm, and smiles a lot... I know, who would be into that? Ick. It's a dumb crush, because, as I am the most high strung person on the planet, his peaceful calm would never work for me. Additionally, I could never be with someone who was more crafty than me. So, I'm getting over it. But people are still getting ashtrays...

Shopping in the City

All of my recent dressing up inspired me to go through my closet and evaluate my wardrobe. I ended up cleaning house and getting rid of 2 garbage bags worth of stuff. Now my closet echoes when I go near it.

So I decided to go shopping, even though I can't think of anything worse I could possibly be forced to do. I have spent the last week psyching myself up, motivating myself and doing my best to prepare.

So today I went to the mall determined to walk out of there with 2-3 pairs of nice dress pants, 3-4 nice dressy shirts, a trendy pair of jeans, some new undergarment things, and if I was really on a roll, maybe some dress boots. I haven't gone shopping with a list like that in years. Sometimes when I go to Super Target I sometimes stroll through the clothes section and pick out random shirts or pants if I am in need. Which is probably why I almost always look borderline homeless. You aren't supposed to get your clothes from the same place you buy dental floss, laundry detergent, CDs and peanut butter.

I have a grown up job and while I may not always feel like it, I am at least going to start dressing like it. Today was the day. I was going to go to a nice store and spend a lot of money and walk out with full shopping bags.

I walked into the mall and immediately felt my skin crawl. I hate the smell, the way it feels, EVERYTHING. I purposely went in the middle of the day so there wouldn't be any crowds, but it's the whole environment I hate. It's fake and icky and overwhelming and AWFUL. But I pushed through, determined to get everything on my list, reminding myself that I was mentally prepared after a full week of thinking about it.

My best friend X shops like it's her job. She LOVES to shop. Unfortunately, she is busy being an almost doctor's wife in another state, leaving me without access to her extensive closet and without her moral support and tough love that I require when shopping. I did my best to channel her spirit though, picking out trendy looking things that I didn't necessarily like, knowing that sometimes when you try things on, they actually look good and saying things to myself like, "this is nice fabric."

But after 5 minutes in the store, my head hurt and everything looked the same and made my eyes blur and I was hot, hungry, tired, and totally bored with the project. I couldn't find anything I liked, and then when I did, I realized it was because I have a very similar looking sweater or pair of pants just like it at home. And while I fully believe that expensive clothes are worth the cost because they are nice material and fit well and are high quality, anything over $10 seems like a waste to me. My favorite fleece sweatpants cost about that much and I can't think of anything better, so it seems silly to buy $100 pants if I'm still going to like the $10 ones better.

Eventually, I found some very nice, very expensive black dress pants that fit like they were made just for me and made me feel like giving a presentation right there in the dressing room, so I knew they were a good choice. It pretty much fell apart from there. Besides my beloved sweatpants, my favorite pants (that I wear at least 3 times a week... don't judge, they don't get dirty sitting in an office) are a pair of chinos I bought last year at that same store, and I found the exact same pair in a different color today. I also found a cool long sleeve shirt that isn't dressy and looks like 3 others I have at home, but it was on sale and in a color I don't have. And then I was done. I couldn't do it any more. I paid for my three items and RAN away, screaming "LET ME OUT OF HERE" as fast as I could.

As I flailed my arms and sprinted out of the mall, X's voice popped into my head and calmed me down enough to ask myself, "What Would X Do?" and so I stopped and went into another store. More crawling skin, blurred vision and discomfort, but I got a really nice sweater and a dressy sleeveless thing that I will never actually wear, but reminded me of something you'd see on a TV show where women dress in business dress clothes.

After that store, I crawled, whimpering out of there, desperate to get to my car and out of the mall, promising myself no more torture. At this rate, it will take 12 shopping trips to just get the basics on my list. I will obviously die if I have to do that again any time soon, so it's not looking good for my wardrobe. I'm wearing a zip-up fleece vest as I type this if that's any indication of just how badly my fashion situation is. But I don't care. I hate to shop and will hold out until May when all of the new tee shirts arrive for the camp store and I will take one of each of those and be set, just as I did this year. Not exactly a dress blouse or anything, but I think it will pass as business casual.

A Camp Thing

If I die in the next day or two, it will be because of an incident that happened yesterday. And yes, when you read what I did, you will judge, but, I want the chance to defend myself.

My house is really clean, I scrub floors and dust every week and I always take out the garbage. I shower daily, I wash my hands regularly. I would describe myself as a hygienic person.

But here's the deal. When you work at camp, you are dirty all the time. As soon as you wake up. As soon as you get out of the shower. I was literally dirty for 4 months and there was no amount of cleaning that could help (and believe me, I tried). It's also really busy, and so, after a few days of running around like a crazy person, eventually, you just don't have time to worry about when the last time you washed your hands was. After nine summers of camp, I have never been seriously ill and my immune system has been conditioned to fight off even the worst germs.

So yesterday, after a LONG day in the office and a late meeting still looming, I was starving and had about 10 minutes. So I dashed across the street, picked up some sweet and sour chicken and rice, DASHED back to my office to eat it and get on with the other million things I had left to do. Right as I stepped in my office door, all of the random things I'd brought in with me from my car (including my food) were bouncing around in my arms until I managed to drop everything, including my dinner.

The rice stayed in the container, but ALL of the chicken landed on the ground. So I scooped it up onto the cover of the container, and carried it in. I wasn't planning to eat it of course. I don't have ANY idea when the floor was last washed. But the chicken is the main part! So I poked through it to see if there was any hair or sand or dirt and it looked fairly clean. And so I ate it.

I think if I spent my career in an air conditioned, regularly cleaned environment, maybe I would have thrown it out and gone hungry. But I have eaten more than one sandwich that had fingerprints on it because I'd been in arts and crafts before lunch and I have cooked MANY meals over fires with a stick as my only utensil, so germs I couldn't even see didn't seem to be THAT bad. I guess I will have to wait a few days to see if I end up with a tapeworm or some awful stomach thing...

Highs and Lows

Monday High- I totally rocked my pottery class, making THREE actual bowls that in a few short weeks, once they've been fired and glazed, I will be enjoying any number of bowl needing foods out of them. I am positive that ice cream will taste sweeter, macaroni cheesier, and soup, um, soupier, knowing that my hands created the bowl that I'm eating out of. Also, I made my dreamy pottery teacher laugh several times, which was a nice addition to my successful evening of potting.

Tuesday Low- Started as a high, as I congratulated myself on working out with such great intensity. There I was running, sweating, feeling the burn. And then I looked over and realized that the woman next to me was going significantly faster than I was and she was at LEAST 6 months pregnant. So obviously, I increased my speed and secretly started racing her. Until she beat me... by a lot... without really even trying... and while simultaneously growing a child inside of her. Fine. I was going faster than the old guy to my left though. So, in terms of fitness, I would say I'm somewhere between crypt keeper and pregnant woman. I think that's a low. Whatever.

Wednesday High- For the second time in a very short amount of time I'm rocking the dress pants and heals. I feel very business-y and hardcore. It seems a little silly to dress up for myself, but at the same time, I feel powerful and professional and ready to make some deals, talk numbers, and command a room. Yes, the room is my office, and yes, I am the only one here. But I am totally empowered.

It's sunny and the breeze is blowing and life is good. I'm glad I'm not in the woods right now, but I am definitely missing it more by the day. Yesterday, my camp director friend M and I were talking about how we can both feel camp pulling us a little more each day. It's not a bad feeling.

Playing Executive

This morning was the monthly Executive Committee meeting, so instead of sweatpants like I usually wear on Fridays, I had to dig out some dress pants and heals. The meeting was at the Board President's Downtown office, where he is the Vice President of a banking corporation. He works in a fancy office, with people in suits who say, "good morning sir" when they pass him. We met in a boardroom that was bigger than my house, with a shiny table I was afraid to touch and leather chairs that probably each cost more than my car. I got several odd looks from employees that were my age when I said, "hi J. How are you this morning?" Apparently they're not on a first name/ friendly small talk basis with him.

The meeting included me and five men in business suits. All of them are old enough to be my father or even grandfather, all of them work in banking, and all of them have more spare change in their back pocket than is in my entire bank account. Small talk before the meeting was all about the recent happenings on Wall Street, which could have literally been a conversation in Swahili.

"Blah blah blah blah blah blah money" (me- oh, I know that word!) "blah blah blah bank" (me- oh, I've been to one of those!) Blah blah blah blah..." I smiled and nodded and agreed and did my best to not look as clueless as I felt. I expected that at any moment they would all turn to me and say, "okay hun, the big people are going to meet to talk about grown up stuff, why don't you run along and play with the other kids for a while."

But they never did. Instead, they pulled out their files and papers, and I did the same, and we talked about budget and projected income and other important stuff, and even though I still see myself as an awkward 15 year old, somehow, when I opened my mouth, well thought out, clear, intelligent conversation came out. I am always a little bit surprised and after the fact, wonder how it happened, but none of them seem to notice my shock, and instead ask me questions and responded to my comments. And at the end of the meeting, instead of patting me on my head and handing me a quarter (which is also what I expected), they shook my hand and told me they were impressed by my hard work and optimistic about the future and happy to have me on board. And I smiled confidently and told them that all is well or something and then went back to daydreaming about reality tv and ice cream.

I don't know when all of this happened. I don't know when I went from being a little kid playing dress up to being an adult. I feel very much like I am playing Executive Director and it absolutely blows my mind when I sit through a meeting like that and realize that they're all buying it and I've got them convinced. Maybe I need to be more confident, but their money and power and experience and age are intimidating to me. If I really thought about it, I bet I know at least 100 camp songs. You want to have a jello fight or set up an Olympic competition? I'm an expert. Unfortunately those qualifications didn't make me feel like I was one of the boys this morning. And so when they defer to me on things or tell me I am the person to take the lead, to make the call or that I should just go ahead and run with my ideas, I find myself fighting the urge to look behind myself to make sure they are really talking to me.

The men I met with this morning are great guys who couldn't be more encouraging or kind, and I think that I will learn a lot from them. And maybe, after a while, meeting with them won't feel so weird and being an adult will come naturally. Until then, I will continue to pretend to be confident while I silently remind myself to "be cool, you belong, do everything the adults do and just blend in."

Cosmos... Er, Well... Pottery?

Now that I'm out of the woods and back at home, I guess this is the "cosmos" part of Cosmos and Granola. But other than living in a major city, I wouldn't say I'm living the life of cosmopolitans, clubs and craziness. It occurred to me recently that I probably should have titled this blog "Tivo and Granola" or maybe, "Sitting on the Couch and Granola" or something a little more reflective of the other half of my life. Or maybe I should take up drinking to try to live up to the title. Although then it might be "Drinking on the couch and Granola" which would lead to "Rehab and Granola", which would be sort of ironic since that is exactly what happened this summer with my Boss and I.

Last night I had my second community education pottery class. Okay, let me just start off saying that I didn't expect to be the pottery class valedictorian or anything, but I didn't know I would be the slow kid in class. The woman on my left was tossing pottery like a factory worker trying to make quota and the woman on my right (who, by the way was a pottery minor in college) had a full kitchen's worth of dishes by the end of the night. I, meanwhile, got my ass handed to me by a lump of clay. I wasn't successful, although I will say, I am enjoying it. I find it to be very calming as long as I don't look up from my own wheel.

My pottery teacher is an art teacher/ti chi instructor who speaks in a very quiet, soothing voice. He offers a lot of positive reinforcement and talks a lot about balancing your energy with the clay's energy, which I can't decide if I love or want to roll my eyes at. He is the kind of guy I would never notice on the street, but, in the context of pottery class, am now in love with. His positive attitude, calm, patient encouragement, and his inner peace all combine to create a glow that radiates from him and makes me want to follow him as a spiritual guru, or possibly kiss him, I'm not sure which. Usually, I look for emotional unavailability combined with a high likeliness of getting into a hockey fight when I develop an attraction to a guy, so this new crush is a bit of a surprise. That being said, the jittery feeling he gives me is making me a bad potter, so somethings gotta give. Last night he tried to help me and all of a sudden I was imaging that scene from "Ghost" and then, well, that bowl ended up getting squished and I had to start over (while the potting sisters to my left and right went on to create a full set of coffee mugs, whatever, I don't even like coffee that much).

So that's my crazy life outside the woods. I'm happy to be back but yesterday I outlined the weeks for summer 2009 and I got really excited (like pottery guru touching my clay covered hands excited), so bring on the granola...

Working

I have spent the past month on a communication rampage. I have been contacting alumni, former staff, camper parents, organizations and anyone else I can get to talk to me about camp. I am determined to get the word out about us, gain some support, publicity, funding, attention... I'm sick of hearing, "oh, you're still around?" (Yes, for over 60 years actually). And it's going well. The old directors have been excited to hear from me, alumni are quick to share their experiences and parents have a lot of opinions. I started the month feeling very alone and intimidated by the huge amount of work this organization needs. I spent the whole first week alternating between banging my head against my desk or shouting in frustration, "26, does anyone else think a 26 year old is a little young to put in charge of this mess? I can barely rent a car, but no, it's cool, I'll pull us out of debt in the midst of a collapsing economy. No worries."

I've calmed down since then and as I've reached out to the community, I've been AMAZED by how many people have reached back and offered their support. It's exciting to know there are so many people who share my passion for camp and want to see this place succeed. So I've stopped shouting, and, like this summer decided that the best thing to do is put my head down and work. Just put one foot in front of the other and move. No time for drama or nonsense. Don't talk, just do. And it seems to be working. I am still overwhelmed sometimes, but I am really optimistic too. Life is good.

Back to the Office

I'm officially back! After weeks of craziness and a week of chillin', I'm back to my office... well, actually, I have a different office. I have my Boss's old office. It's kind of funny, because all of the offices are the same size, so it's not like I moved to the corner office or something amazing. But my new office window overlooks a yard with trees, rather than the roof like my old office, so I guess this is what it means to be important.

It was nice having a week to relax and rest after a long summer. After the Board meeting on Thursday, I took myself to the Art Museum to look at a photography exhibit, one of my favorite Van Gogh's, and then wander aimlessly, soaking in the fact that I wasn't in the woods anymore. I went out to dinner with my mom and brother and then stayed up late watching tivo-ed reality tv (I am totally living the life!).

On Friday I literally bummed around all day. I slept late, laid on the couch and then took a nap. It was so lazy and so fabulous. My roommates were gone for the weekend, and I enjoyed the quiet alone time. On Saturday, I cleaned my house and did some scrapbooking and was a bit more productive, so it wasn't a completely wasted weekend, but I also relaxed a little more, which was nice. And yesterday, I went on a historic home tour with my mom. It was rainy and cold, but I enjoyed it. I have wanted to take a tour like that for a long time, so I was glad I got to do it.

It's so nice to be home. Every minute of every day has been a celebration of living in my favorite city, loving my life and absorbing the goodness of my surroundings. I couldn't be happier. And now today, I am back to the office, which I am actually really thrilled about. I like being on vacation spending my days lounging around. But I am really much happier when I'm on a normal schedule and better still when I am being productive. I love this job and I am SO eager to begin all of the fall projects I have been planning. Oh and today I ordered my new Executive Director business cards. They are bright green with a campfire on them, professional but not your average boring white- totally me, but with a fancy title.

And after that, I wrote in the biggest writing my big white board would allow, "9 MONTHS UNTIL CAMP! GET EXCITED, IT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!" Because, well, I've been soaking in the city long enough to really appreciate and start to miss camp. Don't get me wrong, I am not interested in going back any time soon and I want every minute of my nine months in the city. But after a few more weeks, I know that I will begin to miss camp more, and soon after that, I will begin longing for the sounds and smell of the woods. And eventually longing will turn into an ache, which will turn into an almost painful NEED to go back. It happens every year and I can already feel it beginning. But for now, I'm back to city life and loving every second.

Board Meeting

We had a Board meeting today. I gave a report on the summer and we talked about the capital campaign. It was a very positive, upbeat meeting. After the meeting, the Board met without me and then the Board President came to my office to talk to me.

"I can't offer you a contract until we approve it in October, but I can offer you a handshake. And you should get new business cards printed."

Good enough for me.

Executive Director at 26. Not too shabby...

2 years ago, after watching a particularly inspiring episode of Oprah, I defined my dream job, detailed out and wrote it down. Two years later I am here. It is as close to my description as it could possibly be. "Overnight camp with rich history, but that has room to grow. I want to be able to use my creativity and ideas to shape a camp, but that camp should have traditions from years past. Camp should be traditional, rustic, but beautiful and interesting. I would like to be the boss."

I sort of expected to work my way up and maybe by the time I was 40 or 50 I would be at an Executive level. Never mind. I am not patient anyway, I'd rather just have my dreams come true now. I'm still a little dumbfounded by the entire situation, and the past three months, as well as the future ahead hasn't really sunk in yet. Maybe going in blindly is the best option. No fear or stress if you don't know any better...

Um, WTF

Okay, so camp has been over for a few weeks, and my life, well, the job part of my life, has been in a bit of a chaotic state as of late. Nothing bad, I think I blogged about my messed up schedule before. That plan has gone accordingly. I spent a week shuttling counselors to the airport- not really working, but definitely not relaxing. Then I spent a week at camp cleaning and packing. Definitely working, but since camp isn't in session and I'm not in the office, people seemed to think I was on vacation. Hello, camp isn't gonna clean and organize itself. I believe we tried that method last year and that lead to a hellish May (anyone remember my blog about me crying in the fetal position?!?!)

And now, after 4 months of NONSTOP work, I am on vacation. It's going okay. All 4 months, I spent my final waking moments of every day passionately fantasizing about being on vacation and spending every single day of it on the couch, watching tv and not moving. And so that's what I did this weekend. And it was glorious. For like, 2 hours. And then I decided to clean, which lead to crafting, which lead to... it turns out I don't "do nothing" very well. It's nice to have the option though. Today I spent the day digging fence post holes in my backyard. It was much harder than I'd expected, and I have another full day of landscaping tomorrow, but I am sure I will love and appreciate my new fence more because I helped in its creation. But that's not the point of this rant.

Anyway, because I've been off of a normal schedule for so long, combined with not being good at relaxing, I really just want to go back to the office and get on with life. But here's the thing. Remember that whole, "Interim Exec" drama at the beginning of the summer? Yeah, easy to forget but yes, I'm still the temporary boss and yes, I still know nothing about the future. Why bother to go back to the office when I don't know what my job is anyway?! The Board has said "September or October" is when they will figure out what to do. I have been very outspoken this summer and made it clear that this is my job and I want them to officially give it to me, like, NOW... I haven't used that phrase, but that's what I mean every time I have to say something patient, calm, collected or Executive-like. I want to lay on the floor and kick my feet and say, "just tell me already!!! I don't wanna wait!" My mother has advised me against that. Apparently not very professional. But, um, hello?! Isn't my life chaotic enough with weeks of in-between-ness? Do we have to add unknown future and temporary job title to this?! Let's also add in the now standard opening of every phone call and email I get, "SO... What have you heard about the job???" and pretty much, I'm going crazy.

What have I heard? NOTHING! Well, not nothing. Worse than nothing actually. And I'm trying to tap into YEARS of therapy to be zen-like and move with the wind, instead of playing the what-if game and hyperventilating like I am naturally inclined to do. The last time I talked to the Board President he said, "let's set up a conference call to set the agenda for the Board meeting. Normally I would have you do it, but since you've never done it before, I can teach you this time." I said, "yes of course" but in my head I was saying, "normally you would have the Executive Director set the agenda... does this mean I am the Exec?? Do you think of me like that? Or is this still temporary?! Are you teaching me forever or just so you don't have to bother until the new Exec is in place?!?!?!?!" UGH!

And then... this... today... email... um... WTF?!?! What does this mean??!???? Zen-like..., seriously, I'm trying... But, um, hello?!? Is this a passive way of telling me I'm in? But why wouldn't he call and, like, officially offer me the job... so maybe I'm not in yet. WTF WTF WTF??

What does this mean?!?! How can I causally enjoy my vacation and be Zen-like when my boss is communicating like a 15 year old passing notes??? Please read below and tell me what it means.

(His email was a response to an email our Office Manager sent him. One of my counselors wants to work for us full time and apparently is bypassing me in the process. Good plan kid, keep that up... not the point though. She sent him an email asking about where to send her resume. This is the first I've heard of it from her, making this email all the more confusing and annoying.)

[Camp Director],

What makes her think we have a full time position? Actually the best way to handle this (in the nicest and most cordial way possible) is to get a hard copy of her resume and inform her there are no positions at this time. I think it is cool she likes the camp so much but we are full up except counselors etc.

It really is something our Executive Director manages and not a Board or my issue. You are the boss now! If you want to hire someone outside of the normal sphere, you would make that consideration and submit to Executive Committee. Please verbalize this to [Office Manager]. I didn't want to share all the Exec details

thanks

[Board President]

Recognize

I walked into the grocery store on my corner yesterday and the checkout girl's face LIT up. "Do you remember me?!?!" She asked me.

"You went to camp!" I said enthusiastically, although it was sort of a shot in the dark. She looked really familiar, but I couldn't say with 100% certainty that she was a camper. I hate when that happens, and I wish i could remember every single camper and their name, but at least I played it cool this time.

She was so excited/baffled to see me. "What are you doing here? You are three hours away from camp!" I told her I had heard this was a great grocery store (ironic because my roommates and I have a bit of a passionate hatred for this store, but that was an inside joke with myself at that moment).

It was so nice to see her so excited to see me. I hope that every camper from the summer would react the same way. Because I was the rule enforcer, the disciplinarian, the person in charge of giving bad news all summer, I often felt like I was the meanest person alive. But clearly, at least one camper walked away with a positive impression of me and today I was lucky enough to run in to that kid!

I'm FREE!!

I'm free!!!!!!!!! I drove home last night and I don't have to go back any time soon. I have the rest of this week, weekend and next week off. I am planning to do some serious sleeping in, watching tv and doing nothing. Camp is clean and organized, and my dad has a month by month to-do list until summer. And I am off the hook! No more responsibility!

I shouldn't make it sound so dramatic. I will be back to camp probably within September. Now that my dad lives there, going to visit isn't an afternoon barbecue, rather, a weekend up north. And once I've had some time to chill out, I will begin to think about, plan for and strongly desire to be back to camp. Actually, last night, I had 2 really great ideas for training and then I had a really fun idea this morning for arts and crafts.... so really, it's never over really. And I'm glad. I love this job. Yes, I was excited for the summer to be over, but mostly because I have learned so much and can't wait to start over and improve everything. I feel incredibly blessed to have a career that I enjoy so much and I am looking forward to getting back into the office for my Fall, Winter, Spring projects.

But right now, I am doing several home improvement projects (I can hear drilling as I type this), getting ready to welcome a puppy to my life, I signed up to take pottery class every Monday night for the next 3 months, I am going back to the gym on a regular basis, I want to road trip to Iowa to visit my bff, go out to lunch with all of my girl friends... Whew, I might actually be busier now than I was at camp. But I am responsible for only myself, not kids, staff, parents or buildings that always seem to have plumbing problems. And that feels wonderful!

Life is good.

Back at Camp

After a week of shuttling staff, I am back to camp, ready to finish cleaning, organizing and packing. There is still a lot to do and unfortunately, after my taste of freedom, I am not particularly motivated to be back in the woods. It is COLD and raining here, and there is still a lot to do. I LOVE camp, but OHMYGOSH, I want to be done. By May (really, more like November or December, but for sure by May) I will be desperate to return and have the summer back, but right now, I just want out!

I scheduled myself to have the entire week here, but I think I will actually be able to leave by Wednesday night. I have already done a lot of work and even though I have much more to do, camp is in pretty good shape, so if I just stopped whining and started working again, I'd be done...

Goodbye Staff

I dropped the last of my international staff at the airport this morning. I'm FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited to no longer be responsible for anyone but myself. It is a wonderful feeling and I feel lighter than I have in weeks.

Don't get me wrong, my staff are great people and I will miss them. Each brought unique qualities and strengths to camp this summer. And all of them made me laugh, helped make my life easier and made campers happy this summer. The international staff I had at my house this week were wonderful, easy guests. They were easy going and gracious and didn't need much from me. We went to the fair, we went shopping for them to buy gifts, we went out to eat, and yesterday, O and I went to see my newborn puppy at the breeder's house and then to Ikea, where he helped me pick out a shelf for my kitchen (and helped me carry it). It was a good week. But I never felt like I could completely relax. I am still not completely done. I still have to return to camp to clean and organize and get ready for winter. I am not excited about that, but I am one step closer to being done!!

Not Quite Over

On Sunday, my remaining staff and I cleaned like our hair was on fire. We got so much done it was unreal. It was hard work and I know they were tired and looking forward to being done with camp, so I appreciated it. The amount of work we did would have taken me days, maybe weeks to do myself. There are still a few places to clean and organize, and my dad has a lot of winterizing to do, but camp is in good shape!

As of yesterday, there were just 6 of us left. We packed up our stuff and loaded into the van to return to my house for the week. Each of the international staff needs to be to the airport on a different day, and since I live just 10 minutes away, it doesn't make sense to shuttle from camp. The ride home was long. We stopped at Target, dropped one of the local staff off in the suburbs, and then headed to the mall. The international staff want to spend all of their remaining money before they go home because they don't want to change it and lose value. J's plane left last night at 7 so the mall was another important stop for us.

After dropping J off, K, C, O and I finally made it to my house. It is nice to be at home, but I'm not able to relax yet. I still have people that I'm responsible for feeding, entertaining and making sure they are cared for. No, they aren't children, but they are guests and therefore needy. Last night, after a long, exhausting day, I was cooking dinner thinking, this must be what being a parent is like. You literally go from meal to meal, and in between, deal with other needs, and in the down time, they complain or tell you how to do things better. There is no time for yourself, and no time to relax. And my "kids" are independent college students, whoa re actually very nice, helpful and grateful for everything. I can't imagine what it would be like with actual children. So yesterday I decided I will not be reproducing, but that's another blog in itself. The point is, I'm not done yet, but I really want to be! I can't wait to not be responsible for anyone anymore. I just want to sit on the couch with my feet up, or go where I want, do what I want and not have to think, "is everyone cared for? Am I needed somewhere? What time will I need to be back so that I have time to take care of...?"

Today, I was planning to take everyone to the fair, but my good friend is moving to another state on Thursday, and I want to see her before she leaves, so I think my new plan is to drop everyone off at the fair. I'm feeling sort of guilty, because I should be there to guide them and explain, "this is the poultry barn, this is a deep fried candy bar on a stick, etc." but I am confident they will navigate the adventure on their own without needing me. After this week, I will go back to camp for a week of cleaning, organizing, etc. And then, I will have a full week of no responsibility. I will be able to go where I want and do what I want and see my family and friends, and sit on the couch and watch tv all day if I so choose. It will be glorious! But until then, I have 2 full weeks left of being completely selfless and focused.

IT'S OVER!!!!!!!

CAMP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!! Woooo Hooooo!!

I'll be sad in 2 weeks. Once I have had time to relax, I will miss the kids, the staff, the adventures, and being at camp. But right now, I'm ready to be done! I miss home, I want to see my family and friends. I am sick of being in charge of everything and I am TIRED!

Yesterday was the last day of camp. It was just like any other Saturday at camp, parents came, we sang, they took their kids home. It was a really good day, everything went smoothly. After kids left, we debriefed like usual, talking about highs and lows of the week. Usually after that, we clean, but yesterday, I asked for help with three projects that required a lot of people, because right after camp was when I had the most people. So we took out docks, moved all of the tables and chairs in the dining hall and then moved the big heavy Adirondack chairs from the beach. I don't know how much work I am actually going to get out of people, and those projects would have taken me FOREVER to do alone.

After that, we spent the afternoon chillin'. Two staff left on the bus and two left right after the bus, so it was a small crowd. It was nice to just sit around and talk about the summer, cook dinner, laugh, relax, rest a bit.

Today I am planning to do as much cleaning as I can get them to do. The staff that are left are not the best helpers nor the most mature, so I don't know how the day will go. I have never closed down a camp of this size before, and so I didn't really set myself up for success. I should have put something in their contracts about a requirement to help clean or whatever, but there's nothing. I think some of them think I am hosting a party, and they will be corrected today. But it will be a frustrating process. One more thing I can thank my old Boss for leaving me to deal with.

I am so eager to get all of this done and go home. Hopefully, that will give me the energy to clean, organize and pack today...

Letter to My Staff

Dear 2008 Staff,

As our adventure comes to a close, I wanted to take a moment to share a few thoughts with you. It feels like just a moment ago, you were arriving to camp (many of you during one of the many May/June power outages), and singing our way through training (does everyone remember where your duck is?). The summer has been filled with laughter, fun, friendship, prayer, crazy campers, sunshine, singing, games and weekend adventures. There were some tough moments, some moments that seemed to drag on, but OHMYGOSH, it flew by and I am sad to see the end!

I want to thank you for your hard work this summer, but I don’t know if there are words that can truly do my feelings justice. A simple, “thank you, you worked really hard” doesn’t even skim the surface. Working at camp isn’t a normal job (I think you’ve all figured that out at this point). It is an intense, emotionally demanding, nonstop, exhausting, life experience. I have not only asked you to follow directions and do assigned tasks, but also to give your energy, be creative, build relationships, care, pray, love, be patient, be flexible, have a sense of humor… and to do this with little rest, few breaks, and after cold showers. I know it has not always been easy. And yet, I have rarely heard complaints, and everyone, all the time, didn’t just do what was asked, but managed to blow me away with your kindness, your willingness to help and your beautiful spirit.

I firmly believe that when we talk about changing lives through camp, it is not because of the activities or the fancy facilities, but because of the feeling kids experience when they are surrounded by positive people, who have a focus on fun, kindness, care, and encouragement. To feel truly cared about, and that you matter, and that there are people who want to help you seems to be the standard with all of you, but is unique to the rest of the world. To be surrounded by that kind of energy bathes your soul in a golden light that changes anyone who has the opportunity to experience it. I know that the campers who came here this summer left with that feeling, but they weren’t the only ones whose lives you so deeply affected.

This summer was challenging for me in so many ways. This was my first year at overnight camp, and I ended up doing the job of 2 people, when in reality, I even sure if I was ready for the job I’d been hired for. I came into this experience expecting to be led, expecting to learn, and finding out that I was going to be on my own was frightening and overwhelming. I know that all of you came in with expectations as well, and because of the situation, were asked to help out in roles you didn’t expect to play. Each day, sometimes multiple times I day, I was impressed/thankful/relieved/overwhelmed near tears with gratitude towards one, some or all of you for something wonderful that you did. I know many of you gave up breaks, worked on your night off, and took on responsibilities that were not originally intended for you. Please know that I felt and appreciated each sacrifice you made. If anyone ever asks you, “have you ever changed someone’s life?” you can tell them “yes.” because without all of you, I wouldn’t have made it through this summer.

How do I put such gratitude into words? Are there words to express my appreciation? You didn’t just work this summer, you shared yourself; you released your spirit and let it grace those around you. You were a living rainbow, spreading beauty and happiness with each idea you had and each time you opened up your heart to lead a song, skit, prayer, cheer or activity. Thank you for that. Thank you for being here at CAMP. Thank you for touching my life, thank you for touching the lives of the campers you were entrusted. I appreciate it, the parents of the campers appreciate it and the campers themselves appreciate it. None of us can adequately put into words what you gave us, but know that your presence here mattered.

Please know that you are always welcome back at CAMP (as staff or just as a visitor passing through). Likewise, you are always welcome in my life, so if you are in BIG CITY and need someone to take you out to lunch, or need someone to call on the phone, know that I will always be there for you. You will be in my thoughts and in my heart and I wish nothing but the best for all of you in the coming year and beyond.

Thank you.

Exhausted

At the Monday morning staff meeting, I told the staff, "please, whatever you do this week, just try to enjoy yourselves. In September or October, once you've had a chance to sleep in a few times, eat something other than camp food, your feet have finally come clean, and you've been away from camp for a while, you will miss it. You will miss it terribly. You will sing songs no one else appreciates, you will think about the campers and the counselors and the lake. You will ache for this place, even though, right now, all you can think about is being done."

Every summer, at the end of camp, by the time we get to this last week, I am vowing to get a new career and swearing I will never come back. I did it as a counselor, as an Art Specialist, as the Assistant Director and as the Director. And as soon as the last kid walks out the door and everything is clean and organized for the off season, all I can think about it camp. It takes about a week of being away from camp for me to start missing it, and then getting excited for next summer. The excitement builds all fall, winter and spring until the next summer comes and I practically BURSTING with passion for camp.

I know all of this. But I am still having a REALLY difficult time taking my own advice this time around. I DESPERATELY want to go home. I have been making list after list of things I want to do when I get home. "Sit on the couch and order take out food and watch tivo" is at the top. I know that's a lame thing to be so excited about, but I have been responsible for kids, counselors and buildings all summer long and the weight on my shoulders that started out heavy but manageable because it was just so exciting that I was able to carry it, is now crushingly exhausting and I just need a break. I miss my friends and family and roommates, I miss running to Target, quiet nights reading a book in bed, working out, cooking... the list goes on and on.

And so today, instead of soaking in these last few days of fun, sun, laughter, silly kids, my staff that I love and everything that makes camp run through my veins, I have spent several hours staring off into space. I keep meaning to go have fun, or even be productive and pack my office. But I am paralyzed. I am crabby, tired, and want to burst into tears. I tried going in to my room to take a nap, but that felt claustrophobic, so now I'm back to staring off into space.

In about 2 weeks, I am going to be mad at myself for not enjoying these last few days. But right now, it just feels like the minutes are ticking by in slow motion and all I can think about is home.

Crabby

I think the main reason why this job is difficult is because I am too sensitive to be in a leadership role. I take things too personally and am too eager to please every person I come in contact with. As summer ends and I look ahead, I am not sure if I will soon be getting a new boss or if I will be the new person in charge, and while I am sometimes eager to take over and rule this place, today I am thinking I might not be ready. Maybe I still need a boss to be the buffer between the public and my fragile ego.

Whenever you work with people, no matter how hard you work, how much effort you put in, some people will walk away pleased and some will walk away complaining. I have a difficult time with that, because I have poured my heart and soul into this camp, giving up sleep, personal time, missing my family and friends, and working 15-17 hours per day, almost every day. So when someone complains, I wonder how I could possibly do anything different in order to make them happy.

And so today, I am excessively crabby. I have worked hard and sacrificed a lot and I have been met with a steady stream of complaints. I am sick to death of apologizing over and over. People are never happy, and if they are, those people don't make the effort to give feedback. I'm tired and ready to go home.

Out Of It

I'm still sick, although definitely getting better. Yesterday was miserable and I spent a lot the day going through the motions, except that I was wading through a world of jello- I could kind of see, and kind of hear, but it was all fuzzy and I was pretty out of it. It is pirate week and the Assistant Director is SO excited. He has several pirate outfits and lots of ideas for programming. It's been wonderful because I can wallow in misery while he leads the kids through.

Last night he had them building rafts out of wood and logs. Today, they carried them down to the swimming beach and competed in a relay race where two kids paddled out to the buoy and then back to the beach and switched with the next two on their team and so on. I was a little worried about how it would go, but it was really fun and I would even consider doing it again next summer.

It's no fun to be sick, but there is added pressure because we have such a small staff, if one person is out, it is felt by everyone. And not to be too full of myself, but I do a lot around here. I was worried. Thankfully, by this point in the summer, everyone knows what needs to be done, and my staff have done a fabulous job of picking up the slack. They have managed to read my mind, take initiative or take ownership on almost everything this week, so camp hasn't fallen apart even though I took two naps today. Maybe this is what my job would be like if we were fully staffed. I would love to put my feet up and chill on a regular basis. So that's my new goal. I would like to get this camp to the point where everything runs so smoothly that I can relax a lot, and not just when I'm on my death bed, but in full health.

I think we can get there...

Family, Friends and Flu

All summer long, I have emailed people about coming to camp to visit and this week, every single person I know decided to take me up on it. My good friend M was at camp at the beginning of the week, several people connected to the church came out to visit throughout the week, and this weekend my aunt and uncle (whose daughter was at camp this week), my mom, brother, roommate, family friend and her daughter also came out to camp.

I was thrilled to have everyone at camp. I have been talking about it all summer, sending emails, blogging and finally, lots of people who have heard so much, finally got to see it. I have so many people who have been supportive of me and of camp in a variety of ways, and having them here was the best support of all. I think they all have a better understanding of the potential greatness, as well as the shortcomings of camp. And I think they have a better appreciation of what I am doing 24/7. Plus, it was really fun to be able to share it with them.

However, this weekend I was sick. I started sneezing on Friday and by Saturday afternoon, pretty much wanted to lay down and die. I was trying to manage the Saturday afternoon cleaning while welcoming guests, while trying not to sneeze/vomit/collapse. It was not fun. But I managed to spend some quality time with my guests, enjoy the beach for a little while and even take a short kayak trip yesterday morning. I was determined not to let being sick interrupt my weekend and I was so happy to spend time with my family and friends.

Yesterday afternoon, after everyone had left, I collapsed on the couch in my dad's house, put in a movie, made some popcorn and gloriously did NOTHING for several hours. And now, it is the first day of the LAST WEEK. I can't believe it is almost over. I am going to try to soak in every minute I can this week...

My Favorite Staff

Yesterday S left. I almost cried. I almost tried to lock her in her room and force her to stay. I am very sad she is gone.

S is studying abroad in Italy this semester and I knew she would be leaving a week early. I didn't know that this would be the craziest summer of all time and that she would turn in to my left hand. As I was challenged with unforeseen responsibilities, S was the one who picked up the slack and took on so many of the things I should have spent my summer doing. She was the one who lead activities and helped me create programming. She missed a lot of breaks, a lot of nights off, and worked really hard, never complaining, always smiling. She single handedly got me through this summer without realizing just how much support I found in her positive attitude and sense of humor.

Before she left, we exchanged cards, and she hugged me, telling me I was like the big sister she never had. I wanted to cry. How do you say thank you to someone who has done so much for you and then continues by saying such nice things? Later I read the card she'd given me and finally did cry, because what she wrote was the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. She made all of the hard work this summer worth it. It is nice to know what you do matters, and she let me know that I made an impact. And that's just the greatest thing someone can give.

And now she is gone, and I am sick and I don't know how I will make it through this week without her.

And the Winner is...

Last night I was the most evil person on earth and took down the score sheet from the dining hall. You should have heard the complaints! But the point totals were too close and I wanted to make sure that the announcement of winner was a surprise.

Teams earned some last minute spirit points, we added in polar bear plunge points for Saturday and we had a winner!

On Saturday, we had our normal Family Day Celebration with songs, program awards, and each group got to show off their cheer. And then FINALLY, after all of that, I read off the point totals. There was lots of cheering and excitement, and it was fun to see the kids so into it. The oldest group of boys (13 and 14 year olds) were the winners, and when I announced it, they all jumped up and roared with cheers, embracing in a huge group hug while jumping up and down, shouting their team cheer. 13 and 14 year old boys are too cool for everything, so to see them so excited and in to the theme throughout the week, and then get so overjoyed at winning was wonderful

Earlier in the week, I'd had my dad cut 8 inch round, 1 inch wide wooden circles from a log and S and I had painted all 9 Olympic ring colors for each of our teams, as well as the camp name, and "Spirit Award". The boys were excited to receive them and so were the counselors. It was so funny, because we'd handed awards to all of the kids, and still had one left for K, but I don't think he saw it, because he looked a little sad. And then we handed it to him and his eyes lit up and he said, "OH! Good!"

It was such an exceptional week and the kids and staff were all completely lost in the magic of it. I was so proud to be part of such a wonderful week, and I know that it is a memory that kids and staff will think of fondly for a really long time.

Fun=Hard Work

It's only Wednesday, but already, this has been one of the most fun weeks of camp this summer. The kids and staff are SO into the Olympic theme and their enthusiasm seems to grow each day.

Polar bear plunge this morning at 6:45am brought out the most kids we have had so far, to jump in the lake and start the day off with a brisk swim. I've meant to go to the polar bear plunge every week, but haven't until today. The rule this week is that if over half of your team plunges, you will earn 10 points. My team needed the points, so there I was, exhausted but with full spirit, jumping in the lake.

Last night, we had a 2 hour Olympic competition. We had 15 different events. Some events required the whole team to participate, and some events only needed one or two kids. Each event was a chance for teams to earn points towards the coveted Spirit Award. We had some obvious field games like three legged race, water balloon toss, egg on the spoon race, tug of war (little girls are stronger than they look, by the way!), a relay race, etc. We also had some REALLY fun events like the pie throwing contest, made even more fun because, "Geez, you know what? I forgot to make targets! Can I have all of the counselors come out here and stand in a line. If you can hit any of these counselors, you get points!". We also had an event that had each group passing a bucket full of noodles from person to person to see who could be the fastest team. Oh and I should mention that the noodles were dumped out of the bucket into their hands and they were covered in dish soap to make them slippery.

Throughout the whole event, Director Bonus Points were awarded for extra cheering, good sportsmanship, and spirit. It was an EXCEPTIONAL night. I think that kids and counselors, and I know myself, will remember the feeling of that night for a long time. And I firmly believe that when we talk about changing lives through camp, it is not because of activities or fancy facilities, but it is specifically due to the feeling. To be surrounded by such positive people, such strong energy, and such a focus on fun, happiness and encouragement, bathes your soul in a golden light that changes you. I believe these moments, that happen so often at camp, and so infrequently everywhere is, are the reason that camp is the best experience a person can have.

And that's the reason I do this job. Because last night was a LOT of work. To show up to a field full of games, an organized point system, and enjoy a night of fun required hours of preparation behind the scenes. And then last night, we had a list of 50 things (rope, eggs, spoons, bandannas, cups, noodles, hula hoops, cones, etc...) that we gathered and set up in about 30 minutes. It was me, S, ad my friend M who was visiting. It was intense and there were several times we looked at each other and shook our heads and said, "ohmygosh, I am so tired." Afterwards, there was a field full of noodles to clean up, dishes to wash and stuff to put away.

It was 100% worth it. Going above and beyond to plan, to make things special, to give kids a unique experience is what camp is all about. I am honored to be able to give that gift to them. And if it looks like it came together with little effort, that means I'm doing a good job. But OHMYGOSH, I am so tired I feel like I might collapse... in a good way... but still, collapse.

Re-Energized

It is Olympic Week at camp this week and we're having such a blast. The past two weeks, the staff and I have been trying really hard, but our exhaustion is apparent to me. I think all of our campers had a good time, and probably didn't notice, but compared to some of the first weeks, we definitely weren't as energetic. With just two weeks left, I have worried that they would be rough, and this week we have the second biggest group of campers of the summer, so I've been feeling anxious about this week.

On Sunday, I assigned each group a team color. Last night, they were each given big pieces of white fabric and asked to paint a flag, and also to come up with a team name and a team cheer. They were also given long white strips of fabric to make into headbands or arm bands with their team color on them.

Once the flags were painted, we lined all of the groups up, each kid carrying part of the flag, and processed from the dining hall, down the hill, around the field, in a circle, each group chanting and cheering, while the Olympic theme song BLARED from the speakers we'd set up. I explained the rules of the week, and the way they could earn points towards willing the prestigious Olympic spirit award, and then SHOUTED, "LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" The kids and counselors cheered and jumped around and then we went to the fire circle where each group presented their cheer.

I was SO excited to watch the kids so full of enthusiasm. You could literally feel the energy and it was powerful enough to make my heart beat harder and freeze a smile on my face. The cheers were creative and fun and everyone, kids and counselors, were completely lost in the moment. I was so happy to see counselors focused on kids and throwing themselves into camp.

Today, everywhere I go, I can hear kids SHOUTING their cheers. Everywhere they walk they sing and all of the kids are dressed in their team colors. The entire camp has an energized buzz to it. Kids are proud to be part of their teams, and they are completely lost in the magic of camp.

I am so proud of my staff for their ability to create such excitement. I know that when camp ends, I will ache to have just one more moment of pure, incomparable joy like so many days I have experienced this summer. For now, I am soaking it in and enjoying every second.

Cutest Camper Ever...

I know I'm not supposed to make judgements about kids I work with, because it's hard to treat kids equal and fairly if you have personal feelings toward them, but it happens. There is often the annoying camper or the sweet camper. I try REALLY hard not to be biased, and have gotten much better as I've gotten older, but yesterday, I met the CUTEST camper of all time.

Each week, we have a camp nurse that volunteers in exchange for a free week of camp. They usually come up on Sunday and bring their campers with them. Last night the camp nurse arrived with a TINY child. He's 7 but looks 4. But when he speaks he is very clear and sounds more like 7 year old.

As I took them on a tour and showed them around, he was SO excited. He had wide eyes and kept exclaiming, "this is so exciting!" and then he would throw his little fist in the air and say, "I'm the first camper of the week! This is so great!"

As we wind down and summer is coming to a close, it is difficult to maintain the energy I had in the beginning, but last night, listening to his excitement, I was re-energized and couldn't help be excited too. I think this is going to be a really great week and I'm bursting with eagerness for the campers to get here.

Day of Rest

Being a Camp Director is great... exhausting... but great. Here's the thing I don't think any of the staff seem to understand. While they are with kids constantly, sleeping in the same cabin and in activities all day, they also get breaks. They get an hour in the morning, an hour in the afternoon and one night per week off. They are also free from Saturday afternoon until Monday morning at 9am. They can do ANYTHING they want during these times. They can nap, leave camp, watch tv in the staff lounge... anything. I try VERY hard not to disturb their break times and rarely do. While I am not with kids 24 hours per day, I do not get breaks... ever. Not during the day, in the evenings, or on the weekend. Even in the middle of the night when I'm in bed sleeping, I am fair game to wake up when they have a homesick camper, the water heater breaks, the weather is bad...

Today, campers left at 12, we were done cleaning at 2pm. I have been busy ever since. Day of rest my ass. The hot water went out yesterday, which I learned at 11pm when two staff came into my room and woke me up 10 minutes after I'd gone to sleep. Then the ovens in the kitchen (same building that lost hot water) stopped working, and then the kitchen filled with a strong odor of gas... I was pretty sure the building was going to explode. Luckily, it was just that we ran out of propane, and so I was given the opportunity to learn how a LOT of important machinery and stuff at camp works. It took SEVERAL hours, but I am now well versed in pilot lights, propane tanks, and water heaters.

We also have LITs here this weekend, which is great for them, but means that I have been counselor/mediator/mentor/whatever else all day. There has been drama and crying all of the typical "I'm 15 and emotional" stuff, and I'm in the middle of all of it, working hard to resolve issues and make sure everyone is happy and cared for.

This is the most intense job I have ever had and I am blown away by the level of responsibility and enormous expectations placed on me. It is an honor to be here and have ownership over all of this, but it is overwhelming sometimes too.

8:08 on 8/8/08

Random brilliance: S and I had just finished setting up for the closing ceremony and were chatting as we waited for kids to finish evening prayer. The talent show went pretty fast tonight, so we knew we were ahead of schedule and needed to plan something.

"Hey! Today is 8/8/08! We should do something special!" -S
"It's 7:10pm right now, could we do something at 8:08?" -me

So right then and there we decided that at the end of the closing ceremony, we would take all of the kids outside, arrange them in a giant 8 and then take a photo from the balcony. So at 8:04pm, I was just finishing the closing ceremony and said, "WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING AMAZING! IT'S NEVER GOING TO BE 8/8/08 AGAIN!"

The kids responded with a ROAR of excitement. One of those moments working with kids that I am blown away by their excitement and know I am experiencing pure magic and a memory int he making. I explain what we are going to do and tell them we have to hurry. Everyone JUMPS up, rushes outside and organizes themselves faster than they've ever done anything. We count down 10, 9, 8... until it is 8:08 pm exactly. Everyone jumps up and down and starts cheering.

Perfection.

At highs and lows tonight every Leader-in-Training says that the 8 thing was their high of the day. Such a random thing, no planning ahead, probably 6 minutes, start to finish, but it was unique, memorable, camp perfection.

The Handy Man

My dad is the caretaker at camp, and so far this summer has sort of been a behind the scenes guy. He fixes things when they break and works on projects like building fences, and shelves and stuff. I love having him here because he's dependable and can do almost anything.

This week, my dad has added "rockstar" to his list of duties. We have had an outbreak of bees. There are nests everywhere and kids getting stung every time I turn around. Every time a nest is discovered, my dad has been there to spray it and get rid of the bees. Apparently this is very heroic to the campers, because he has become almost mythical in his bee killing ability. Last night I heard, "he's a hero. He saved our lives from the bees." And today, when yet another nest was discovered, I heard one of the little boys yell, "WHERE'S THE HANDYMAN??"

When my dad isn't busy fixing or building something, or saving the camp from bees, he is talking someone's ear off about one of his many interests including panning for gold and searching for cool rocks. The kids know about the rock passion, and like to rush up to him in the dining hall with rocks they have found and ask if they are "good rocks". Almost every day campers will ask me where the handyman is because they have a rock to show him. It makes me laugh and it makes me happy. Part of a successful camp community is having beloved members of the staff. My dad has just enough charisma combined with an interesting job here at camp to become what legends are made of.

Staff Issues

I took C to the doctor, who told him that his shoulder was fine. Amazing how much better he felt after that... well, that is until he rolled his ankle and had to sit out of the dance last night. However, I will admit he did a very nice job of interacting with the campers that weren't dancing and he is working towards the goal I gave him of getting to know 20 kids this week. So I am not complaining about him. I have others to complain about.

The staff has divided into cliques and I am so crabby about it. I have been meeting with people individually this week and several people have told me they either feel left out or frustrated with other staff or are stressed out. It is so distracting from campers and I want to scream.

There are 7 people leaving camp for the weekend. One of my international staff is going home already (school starts for her on the 11th!), and two other people are going to take her to the airport and then go to a family function at one of their houses. They asked to be able to do this weeks ago and they will be riding the bus up to camp on Monday. It's a great situation because I don't have to worry about taking her to the airport and I have people to ride the bus on Monday.

There are 4 people who decided yesterday they want to go to the city and meet up with the old art director. I was fine with it, except that none of them have cars here, and three of them can't legally drive even if they had a car. Unfortunately this week, the bus is already full on Monday, which means they can ride down to the city tomorrow, but not back up to camp. The art director offered to drive them back, but I've already witnessed her dependability and forgive me for being skeptical, but I'm not thrilled with the idea. And in light of last weekend's events, I'm skeptical about their ability to be responsible.

So I met with them this morning and let them know they could go to the city, but I would be asking them to sign a contract agreeing to be back on time on Monday morning or they will be docked pay. I hate to be so strict and mean, but we have a BIG group of kids next week, and I will be the Executive Director, the Program Director, and the Art Director next week, so I don't have time to deal with any staff drama. I need to make sure they are here because I can't drive 6 hours round trip to get them. One of them asked, "what happens if we choose not to sign the contract." This is a 16 year old junior counselor who has been at camp as a camper for years, was close with the Boss and who has been trying to get into a power struggle with me all summer. Try again kid, I don't have time for nonsense.

I calmly explained that the contract is just something that shows me that they will be willing to take responsibility for themselves so that my mind can be at ease. I can't be short 4 staff on Monday, it just won't work. If he didn't want to sign the contract, that would say to me he isn't willing to be responsible for himself and perhaps camp is not the right place for him. I would be SO upset to lose another staff, but seriously, don't give me attitude. I'm not dealing with stupid stuff. You are expected to be back by 9am Mondays. Plan ahead, be professional and don't question me. Ugh, I'm so annoyed. And by a 16 year old junior staff. That's even more annoying. He's a kid. Quite honestly, he's not even technically old enough to be here for the full summer. Yet another situation that I have to deal with from the Boss.

I am so annoyed I could scream. I am trying really hard ot be patient and calm and have a sense of humor. But I literally want to rip someone's head off.

To Be 12 Again...

Scene- the weekly dance.

The awkward girl and the awkward boy who kept looking at each other at different times, and dancing near each other, but not with each other. She tied and re-tied her shoe about a million times, and then she finally got the nerve to ask him to dance, and his response, "um, like, I don't really want to dance right now, but maybe later." I watched the whole thing while grimacing, knowing it wasn't going to be a happy ending. Upon rejection, she crossed the dance floor and sat on the opposite side of the dining hall looking mortified. I went and sat with her for a few minutes, and was surprised by how excited she was at his response. "He said, 'maybe later'!" That was good enough for her. At 12 years old, I guess you're not looking for much.

Later, several of the Leaders-in-Training, who are 15 and 16 went over to her and asked her if she wanted to dance with them. It took some convincing, but she eventually joined them. So there she was, in a circle with all of the old, cool girls, dancing away. I wanted to hug all of them and thank them for including her, for making something in her 12 year old life easy. And then I wanted to pull 12 year old awkward girl aside and tell her to be confident, not to base her self esteem on what boys think of her, to learn to love herself and not to waste a bunch of time on boy drama because it's just not worth it. I wanted to tell her how happy she can be if she spends more time on herself and less time worrying about what boys think. I don't know think any of that would have made sense to her. I think you can talk to kids until you are blue in the face, but they have to learn things on their own. I wish I could spare them; I wish I could make it easy for them. But I know that these experiences are what will shape their lives. And sometimes my job is just to stand on the sidelines and watch because there's nothing else I can do.

Sick of Camp

I know that in September, I will be so sad that camp is over and I will miss my staff terribly. But right now, I'm pretty sick of about half of them. I totally get that they are tired and ready to be done. But seriously people, it's time to put your game faces on and be professional. Start doing your flipping job or my head is going to explode.

I think it is even more frustrating, because my really good staff are left to pick up the slack and compensate for the others. It is causing strife amongst them and I am trying to mediate. I am also trying to figure out a way to make sure my good staff are not feeling stressed out, but there's not much I can do. I'm in over my head, there's just far too much on my shoulders and it means that I have to ask people who were hired as counselors to take on a great deal of responsibility. They are doing well. S, S, A and C are outstanding. They take initiative and don't mind doing whatever needs to be done.

I have others that lead in different areas at different times, and I appreciate them for that. But there are some that are just not doing what they are supposed to do. It is frustrating.

Meanwhile, boy C has had a sore shoulder since he got to camp. He said he strained it carrying his luggage. Most of the time, he's fine. He can kayak, dance, play sports... However, whenever staff are asked to move tables, clean, carry anything, or really do anything he doesn't seem to be interested in, his shoulder really starts to hurt. I have been patient and given him other options. But it's REALLY selective pain. And ALL of the staff, myself included, are frustrated by his apparent laziness. Finally yesterday, when he was sitting on a bench, by himself, instead of playing the all-camp game, because the bouncing of the running hurt his shoulder, I decided I'd had it. I told him he needed to work with what he had and if he couldn't run, he would jog. If not jog, pick a slow kid and walk with the kid. I don't care, just DO SOMETHING.

Today I took him to the doctor who told him to ice it if it hurt, but otherwise he seemed fine. Yeah, I sorta already knew that... He's not a very good counselor to begin with, so this fake injury is particularly annoying. I want o yell at him every time I see him, so it takes a great deal of self talk to be patient and kind.

2 weeks and 2 days. I can make it. I really can.

Drama at Camp

The honeymoon period lasted such a long time that I really thought we would make it through the summer without any drama. Er, well, any personal drama. Anyone who's been reading knows I have daily camp drama. But no, we have a love triangle going on and it's causing some drama amongst the staff.

Girl E and Boy A were friends before camp. I questioned whether or not they were dating, but it was hard to tell, so I didn't think much of it. Really, I try to stay out of any staff stuff, I have too much to worry about here at camp without nonsense drama. But when information is freely given to me, I am not going to ignore it... So, anyway, they were friends/possibly more at the beginning of the summer.

But lately, Girl E has been looking a bit stressed out. Every time I talk to her she assures me everything is okay, but she still looks upset. Today, I was talking to a one of my favorite counselors Girl A and she let me know Girl E was stressed out because Boy A and G are now dating. News to me! No wonder she's stressed out.

So we have a love triangle situation. I really didn't expect it, but here it is. It doesn't really change much. It's not really affecting camp, all three have been really professional and quiet abotu it. Yes, I will be arranging breaks accordingly, because I don't have time for any of this romance nonsense, so yes, I will play God and make sure they are all separate as much as possible. But otherwise, I will stay out of it. They don't need to know that I know. But, for the record, I hear and see everything at my camp...