Exhausted

At the Monday morning staff meeting, I told the staff, "please, whatever you do this week, just try to enjoy yourselves. In September or October, once you've had a chance to sleep in a few times, eat something other than camp food, your feet have finally come clean, and you've been away from camp for a while, you will miss it. You will miss it terribly. You will sing songs no one else appreciates, you will think about the campers and the counselors and the lake. You will ache for this place, even though, right now, all you can think about is being done."

Every summer, at the end of camp, by the time we get to this last week, I am vowing to get a new career and swearing I will never come back. I did it as a counselor, as an Art Specialist, as the Assistant Director and as the Director. And as soon as the last kid walks out the door and everything is clean and organized for the off season, all I can think about it camp. It takes about a week of being away from camp for me to start missing it, and then getting excited for next summer. The excitement builds all fall, winter and spring until the next summer comes and I practically BURSTING with passion for camp.

I know all of this. But I am still having a REALLY difficult time taking my own advice this time around. I DESPERATELY want to go home. I have been making list after list of things I want to do when I get home. "Sit on the couch and order take out food and watch tivo" is at the top. I know that's a lame thing to be so excited about, but I have been responsible for kids, counselors and buildings all summer long and the weight on my shoulders that started out heavy but manageable because it was just so exciting that I was able to carry it, is now crushingly exhausting and I just need a break. I miss my friends and family and roommates, I miss running to Target, quiet nights reading a book in bed, working out, cooking... the list goes on and on.

And so today, instead of soaking in these last few days of fun, sun, laughter, silly kids, my staff that I love and everything that makes camp run through my veins, I have spent several hours staring off into space. I keep meaning to go have fun, or even be productive and pack my office. But I am paralyzed. I am crabby, tired, and want to burst into tears. I tried going in to my room to take a nap, but that felt claustrophobic, so now I'm back to staring off into space.

In about 2 weeks, I am going to be mad at myself for not enjoying these last few days. But right now, it just feels like the minutes are ticking by in slow motion and all I can think about is home.