Terrifying

There is a look that a person's face makes when there is an emergency. It is CHILLING. You know immediately, without words, that something is WRONG.

Today Counselor M ran into the Welcome Center and had that look, saying, "come quick. Nanny just passed out."

Apparently she walked into the DC, said, "get Camp Director" and then collapsed. When the nurse and I got to her, she was the whitest I've ever seen a person, laying on the floor. She said she'd been feeling nauseous earlier in the day, hadn't eaten much at lunch and then started feeling dizzy.

X was napping when she started to feel sick, so she walked to the DC for help and then promptly collapsed.

Luckily there were several staff there and emergency procedures kicked in quick as someone ran for help, the nurse was walkied, and within minutes, we were there with her. Someone ran to the trailer immediately to check on the baby and someone else had put her feet up on a chair and were with her the whole time.

Luckily baby X was safely asleep, and not in her arms.

Luckily she realized she wasn't well and went for help, so that she wasn't alone in my trailer when she passed out.

It was a bad situation with SO many things that went well. I think she made a smart choice and I have to give her credit for doing so, even though she wasn't feeling well.

When I was on maternity leave, I was COMPLETELY terrified that something would happen to me during the day. I had terrible paranoid, anxious day dreams about the baby spending all day screaming in his crib by himself if I passed out. Or that I would pass out and drop him and he'd be on the floor screaming all day.

I've never passed out in my life. I don't have any health problems. I had no reason to worry about passing out (other than being sleep deprived, postpartum, a bit terrified of the TINY newborn that I was responsible for, anxious, and did I mention sleep deprived?!). 'N' thought I was losing my mind and told me to stop allowing myself let my mind run with such terrible "what if" scenarios. But I had a TINY new baby that was SO delicate and needy. Everything about him was so tiny and fragile. And being responsible for keeping him alive all day was intimidating. But I was fine. He was fine. And eventually he got bigger and I calmed down (a bit) and the horror scenarios stopped running through my head.

But today was scary. Because THAT was exactly what I was so paranoid was going to happen to me. And I can't stop thinking about 'what if she'd been holding him?" "what if she'd been alone with him?" "what if anyone, ever, for the rest of his life that he's small enough to hold, passes out and drops him?" Maybe I should insist that he is NEVER alone with just one person. Maybe I should insist that no one (including me) ever holds him while standing up? Maybe I should wrap him in pads and get a helmet and cover our floors in pillows. And really, while I'm making safety rules, maybe he should never be in a car (because those are dangerous). And come to think of it, I've switched from pureed baby mush to actual food, but even really soft, tiny pieces are probably dangerous, so maybe we should go back to the mush... I wonder how long he could just have breastmilk (it's a complete source of nutrition)? Oh, and crawling? He's SO close, but that needs to be out. And forget teaching him to walk.

Except that life is filled with what ifs, and "it could have been worse" and "that would have been totally different if that one small detail was changed" and my imagination is WILDLY creative, coupled with terrible anxiety, makes for some scary thoughts. So I have to put up a stop sign and be thankful that even though today was scary, it was fine. He's fine. She's fine. I'm fine.

Power Outage 2

We lost power again today. It was perfectly sunny, not a cloud in the sky and not even a light breeze. And all of a sudden, the lights went out. Power was only out for 3 hours, but the memory of going without power for several days was still fresh in my mind and so I felt much more stressed out than I should have.

Once again, my concern wasn't about the 100 kids or 20 staff I'm responsible for. I wasn't worried about feeding them. I wasn't worried about making sure we had buckets of water to flush toilets. I wasn't worried about drinking water. I wasn't worried about hand sanitizer.

I was worried about how I was going to give my kid a bath. I was worried about keeping my house cool enough (without air conditioning or a fan) so that it wasn't hot when I put him to bed. I was worried about how to warm up frozen organic veggies that I feed him for dinner. I was worried about keeping frozen breast milk frozen and fresh breast milk cold.

I know that I have to let go of my uptight tendencies when it comes to this child. He doesn't need to take a bath every night. It has been uncomfortably hot, but not dangerous at any point. He mostly drinks breastmilk, so his dinner veggies aren't even necessary. And my refrigerator and freezer can both stay cool for many hours before I need to worry about milk.

Camp is a wonderful place to have a baby. He is surrounded by people who smile and wave and make silly faces at him. The kids and the staff love him. They enjoy watching him learn things and grow up in front of them, and he is learning so much by being around everyone. He is social and friendly and very easy going. Some of that is his personality, but some of it is growing up in a community. He is outside all day, every day. He gets to swim almost every day. He gets to breath fresh air and be in nature. His life is filled with music, laughter, love and sunshine.

I'm trying to remind myself that if he misses a bath a day here or there, or gets some bug bites or is hot on a hot day, he's still going to be happy, healthy and his life is still wonderful. I'm fighting the new-mom urge to get a giant plastic bubble and lock him away from dirt and germs. I know (in my brain) that in order to grow into a well-adjusted human, he is going to have to fall down, be uncomfortable, feel sadness or disappointment. In the camp brochure this year, I wrote, "we must prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child. It is not my job to make the road less bumpy, it is my job to teach him the life skills he will need to navigate future obstacles."

That's so true. So smart. I rock at youth development of OTHER people's kids. But my kid?! Nope. I don't want his precious feet to touch the ground, ever.

It's annoying to lose power- I've never enjoyed it. But I am trying to calm down so that it isn't a source of anxiety every time it happens.

Memories

My facebook timehop showed me a memory today. I had posted about a kid biting another kid. "How did he taste?" I'd asked him. "Sweaty" was the answer.

http://sunshineandrainbowdreams.blogspot.com/2010/08/sweaty.html

That was 6 years ago!

I thought I was going to have to send that kid home. He was NOT an easy kid. I called his mom at least 3 times through the week. And when she registered him the following year, I considered telling her he couldn't come back. But I didn't, and he came back and he was less obnoxious that year. He came back the next year and the next, and each year, he got less obnoxious and more enthusiastic about camp.

And now he's back (this week!) for his 6th summer of camp. He's back as a leader-in-training. He's been talking about "when I'm a counselor in a few years" for the past 2 summers. He is PASSIONATE about camp.

I laughed so hard when that memory popped up. I would NOT have predicted he'd be back six summers in a row and that I would be excited to see him!

We've Come a Long Way

I was standing on the dock, lifeguarding swimming today. Three staff came down to use the paddle boards while on break. The fishing group took out the paddle boats. There were about 15 kids in the canoes and kayaks. There were 20 kids in my swimming group. It was a LOT of people doing a variety of activities all at once. As I watched the crowd, I was filled with a sense of awe and pride.

When I started at camp 9 years ago, we didn't have paddle boards or paddle boats. Those are here because of me.

I started thinking about all of the things we didn't have- we didn't have slingshots or throwing tomahawks. We didn't have a gaga pit or 9 square in the air or carpet ball or the checker pit. We didn't have a stage at the fire pit, or in Indian Point Lodge or in the dining hall. We didn't have skychairs or hammocks. We didn't have the campfire cooking program. We didn't have a media specialist (I used to try to take photos while doing EVERYTHING else and then upload them at midnight before falling into bed!). We didn't have the welcome center (that building was FILLED with garbage (literally to the ceiling).

It's easy to feel overwhelmed by all of the things that we want to fix or change or need (but don't have).

But today I was focused on all of the things we HAVE and the major progress I've made over the last 9 years and I was so so proud.

Stand Up Paddle Boards

Stand up paddle boards are all the rage- all the cool camps have them. I have wanted to buy them for several years, but they have not been in our budget.

Last summer, I was walking around camp with a parent/board member/donor and I happened to mention my dream of paddle boards. Except that for some reason, I had a difficult time with the word paddle boards. I kept saying paddle boats. I didn't realize I was saying paddle boats, but in several conversations since then, I have made the same mistake over and over.

And so, the next day, when he excitedly called me and told me that he ordered 4 brand new paddle boats and they would be there within the week, I learned a very expensive lesson. $10,000 is how much he spent on paddle boats- that could have bought a LOT of paddle boards!

The kids have really enjoyed the paddle boats, so it's not the end of the world, but paddle boards continued to be my dream.

In early July, two of our washing machines died. Within 24 hours, I had seven offers to purchase new machines. We ended up with three new machines. I responded to the other offers letting them know we had the machines, but if they were still interested in sponsoring something, would they be willing to buy a paddle board. I found paddle boards for about the same price as washers (around $400).

Several people responded to my email and I was on my way to my dream! And then I got an email from a board member telling me that he loves paddle boards and that if I could get 7 sponsored, he would buy me 7!

I love a good challenge!

I had all 7 sponsored within 24 hours.

'N' connected me with someone who works for a company that sells them who was able to sell me paddle boards at cost, so I got them for $250 each! It left me enough for new lifejackets as well! I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to get them in time, but they were delivered yesterday, which means we can use them for the last 2 weeks of camp!

And the best part of all was that today, my mom was at camp and so I actually got to go out and play with the new paddle boards! There were about 9 of us and we all got together, assembled the paddle boards and took them out on the lake. The water was super warm, the sun was shining, the lake was like glass and it was PERFECT. It was SO fun to be able to go out on the lake and just play.

Paddle boards for the win!!

Power Outage

On Wednesday night, we went to bed like normal. At 2:15am, I got a call from the emergency system alerting me that we were under a severe thunderstorm warning. High winds meant that the power is going to go out and about 15 minutes later, it did. The warning was in effect until 3:15am and as if on schedule, the rain stopped and the wind calmed down and I went back to bed, hoping that the power would be back on before I woke up.

But the power wasn’t back on and we found out the storm had caused a lot of damage for about 100 miles and over 25,000 people were without power. I assumed that meant we would not have power most of the day, but hopefully by late afternoon at the latest. The power company’s facebook page said it might take days to restore power for everyone, but I am an optimist and I figured that meant someone else, not camp.

Wrong again.

At 3:30 in the afternoon, “A” and I went into to town because I wanted to buy ice for my breastmilk.. I figured if we went to town and bought ice, the power would be back on by the time we returned. But at the end of our road, almost to the highway, there was a huge tree down and it had taken a large section of powerlines down with it. That was when I realized that it was going to be longer than just a trip to town before we got power back.

I bought a block of ice for my refrigerator to try to keep it cool inside. I bought two big bags of ice to pack into a cooler with all of my frozen cubes of baby food. I bought a 5 gallon jug of water for my house. 'A' and I stopped at a nearby camp to see if they had a generator (and thus would still have power and water, and then our plan was to ask to use their hose to fill up water jugs). They didn't. We started making plans for an extended power outage. 

The biggest concern with the power being out is the cooler and the freezer. It has been 90+ degrees all week and the cooler only stays cool for so long. We realized we were going to need to plan for Thursday dinner, Friday breakfast and lunch and also Sunday dinner (and then a new food delivery would come Monday morning). We gathered all of the coolers around camp, shoveled all of the ice out of the ice machine into garbage bags, grabbed lanterns and closed ourselves into the freezer. We packed the coolers with ice and with the food we needed to save, knowing basically everything else would go bad and need to be thrown out. Food spoilage is actually covered by insurance, so it's not quite as devastating to think about throwing out thousands of dollars in food, but it is SUCH a waste and I hate it. So we saved all of the food we would need for the those meals. We went to the local resort that still had power to load up on drinking water. We filled buckets to manually flush toilets.

At the talent show on Thursday night, we brought out all of the ice cream and popsicles from the camp store and let the kids eat unlimited treats. I warned them to make good choices and let them know that this was a one time thing in the history of camp, but it was still pretty fun. Later we had all camp night swim for kids to "shower". 

Overall, the kids weren't affected and they had a great time at camp.

I, on the other hand, had a full blown nervous breakdown on Thursday night. It might have actually been the worst night of camp in the history of my 8.5 summers here. 

We've had power outages before, and in 2013, we had a multi day outage like this one. It sucks and it makes everything difficult and kind of stressful, but it's not the end of the world. Having a baby in a power outage added a whole new level of stress to the power outage though. 

It's a pain to go without hot water when the power goes out. But when you have a baby, it's an actual problem. I needed to wash bottles and nipples. I needed to give my hot sticky baby a bath. 

I don't turn my air conditioning on very often, and if it was just me, it wouldn't bother me to sweat it out. But with a overheated bulldog and overheated baby, I was losing my mind with anxiety. I put Olivia in my van for about 30 minutes to try to cool her down. When I called my husband in a panic, he suggested I sleep in the van with the two of them. Adding to the stress, we switched cars and somehow in all of the shuffling, I sent the carseat home and so 'M's dad picked it up from my house and was bringing it up with him on Friday when he was coming for a visit. But at about 10pm, my baby was hot to the touch, my trailer was HOT and filled with bugs from my attempt at keeping the door open, and I was desperately considering driving to the lodge with my baby NOT in a carseat. We didn't sleep in the van and I didn't drive my baby without a carseat- by midnight, it cooled down slightly and we were all able to sleep. 

When it was just me, losing power and having all of the food in my refrigerator go bad wasn't that big of a deal. But I have several bottles of breastmilk in the fridge at all times, multiple bags of frozen breast milk in my freezer, and about 20 bags of pureed vegetable cubes of baby food. 

I am the one who is ultimately responsible for camp, the kids, the staff, the property, the food, EVERYTHING, and in the past, my entire focus has been on making sure all of those things were taken care of. But this time around, I found that my priority was entirely different. My immediate concern was personal. I went into town to buy ice and water for myself because all I could think of was keeping breastmilk cool, having enough water to not only drink, but also to wash bottles and bathe my child. The entire camp of kids and staff- once my personal needs were taken care of, THEN I focused on them.

If I'd had the carseat, I would have driven through the night to bring the baby and Olivia home. It would have been easier to focus on my job of leading a camp of people. But instead, I was trapped and so I called my husband in hysterics. 

Camp used to be a fun adventure. A multi day power outage was inconvenient and a little uncomfortable, but an experience that made for a great story. It's entirely different now- it was scary and stressful and didn't feel like an adventure, it felt threatening. Every fiber of my being was focused on the well-being of my tiny human and EVERYTHING about camp seemed to go against that. 

The kids left Friday and I had all of my stuff packed and loaded in the van so that the minute the staff meeting ended, I was able to get on the road and rush all of us OUT of there. Power came back on about 30 minutes after I left and everything was back to normal when we returned on Sunday. But I'm left feeling a little weary. A little uneasy about this place I love so much. Because I still love it, but I don't love it as much as my baby. And situations like the power outage make me feel like it is a choice between the two. 

Bowling

Everyone at camp went bowling tonight. I stood in the driveway as the organized themselves in cars and smiled, joked around and told them to have fun. And then everyone left and I sat by myself and felt like a sad little kid that got excluded on the playground.

The silly thing is, I don’t want to go bowling. There’s no scenario I can imagine where I would choose to go bowling. But the fact that I don’t have a choice and just can’t go makes it feel bad.

I love being a mom. I love that tiny human more than anything I can possibly put into words. Every time I even think about him, it takes my breath away and fills me with awe and joy. I want to hold him and snuggle him every second of every day. When he sleeps, I miss him and find myself watching videos of him. I tiptoe to his crib to watch him sleep. Even in the middle of the night, when I am so exhausted I question whether my body will move, when he wakes up and cries, I think, “oh good! I can hold him again!”

I love the way he smells, the sound of his little voice when he babbles. He has perfect tiny hands that fill me with happiness just to look at them. He has perfect chubby feet with the cutest toes I’ve ever seen. He is perfect in every way. He’s learning new things every day and I am in a constant state of amazement watching him learn.

I love every detail about him and just thinking about him makes my heart burst with a love that I didn’t know was possible.

So why am I upset that I can’t go bowling? Bowling?!  BOWLING… At a small town, run down, dirty bowling alley that I have ZERO desire to set foot in. Have I mentioned how PERFECT this little human is? His skin is gorgeous and smooth, his smile makes my heart explode. He has big blue eyes and just the lightest peach fuzz hair. He is pristine, like a doll. He is spectacular in every way.

Dirty bowling alley.

Perfect baby.

There is no debate.

And still, as they all drove away, I felt sad. My life has changed. I LOVE the change and I love my life. But change takes time to get used to and I suppose it’s ok to feel a little sad.

I’m actually not sure if it’s even sadness that I feel. No, as I think about it, I’m not sad. I think I’m uncomfortable, unsure, a little confused. This summer is so much different than the previous 8, that I’m trying to figure out where I fit and who I am. I feel like I’m riding a bike for the first time ever. It feels scary and unknown and sorta like I could fall over at any moment. It feels awkward and shaky. Before this summer, I felt confident and steady (rock solid actually). And so, to feel unsure feels uncomfortable. In the last 8 summers, I would have confidently skipped bowling, because, well, ick, I don’t wanna go bowling! I wouldn’t have felt sad or left out.

I’m trying to be patient with myself as I figure out who I am now that I’m a mom too. Eventually, I will feel comfortable and normal again. And I will look back and think about the time I felt sad because I couldn’t go bowling. Bowling. Seriously, bowling.

Fresh Eyes

Today was our re-accreditation visit by the American Camp Association. Two visitors came out and went through the paperwork and toured around camp. 'A' has been working on the paperwork for months and she is very organized. We are both visitors for the ACA and so we're both comfortable with the paperwork and camp follows all of the policies and procedures anyway, so I knew everything would go well and we would pass without any issues.

Over the weekend, we worked hard to do a little extra cleaning, pick up and put away all of the random things that seem to collect in corners, and camp looked fantastic. Both visitors are also camp directors and it was fun to show them around camp because they oohed and ahhed at several areas, asked to take photos of a few things and seemed generally impressed by camp.

Sometimes I forget how magical of a place it is. It looks like a camp out of the movies. It is filled with beautiful buildings with gleaming wood, bright signs that burst with color, beautifully built stages in several areas, new lights in several buildings, and lots of unique features that give it so much character. Sometimes all I can see is the dirt, the things that are broken, the steps that need to be repainted, and the random lost and found items or programming supplies that have been left out.

Sometimes too, even though it's been 9 years, I think about the garbage, the broken furniture, the buildings in disarray. And as we walked through each building and program area, I was so proud as we all looked at organized, labeled shelves, equipment neatly arranged, everything put in assigned places. I got to see camp through our visitors eyes and I was proud. This place is awesome and I know how much time and effort (and blood, sweat and tears!) it took to get there. And I was part of that. I have been a significant part of making camp what it is today.

Canoe Parade

Today we had a parade. Not just any parade, a canoe parade! Cabins decorated either a canoe or a kayak and then the counselors paddled them from the boating bay to sunset beach, where all of the kids were sitting to watch the parade. I miss out on so much programming, but I was excited about the parade because I was going to take Baby X and we were going to watch.

A little while before the parade was to begin, the counselors were getting boats ready, Lead Staff T came and said, "Olivia is going to be the grand marshal. I'm going to paddle her in my canoe." I said, "Ok, just be sure her life jacket is on tight." I was pretty sure Olivia would be fine in the canoe, but bulldogs sink so quickly and the water is deep, and it's been a few years since she's worn her life jacket, so after I agreed to it, I started to get a little nervous. And that's how I ended up in the front of the canoe, paddling in the parade.

It wasn't until we got about halfway to Sunset Beach that 'T' said, "I never thought you'd go for this!" and I said, "I didn't think you were asking!" 'T' doesn't realize that for years, I involved Olivia in everything at camp. And the more ridiculous, the better! Of course I would think putting her in a canoe would be a good idea. But he doesn't know me like that. He was just tickled that his boss was part of the parade and allowed the dog to be in it. And I was sad because I wanted to be like, "you don't get it. I have been the CENTER of fun and silliness and hoopla for YEARS!" Staff from a few years ago would NOT have been surprised to see Olivia in a canoe and me right by her side.

We paraded in the canoe and Olivia was perfect, regal, adorable- she's such an incredibly good dog when she's got a purpose. I wonder if she wasn't thinking the same thoughts I was- about how she always used to be part of things and at the center of the action.

I was so happy to be back in the role that I love. I like being part of the fun. It felt good to participate.

Washing Machines

We have washing machines in a few different places at camp- in the basement of the dining hall (for kitchen linens and the extra towels we lend to kids at shower time), the health center, the DC (for lead staff) and the staff laundry room (there are 2 washers, but there is space for 3). So we have 5 total washing machines and dryers.

Last week, the washing machine in the dining hall broke. The kitchen needs to be able to do laundry, so we decided to take one out of the staff locker room to replace it. And then yesterday, the washing machine in the DC broke.

In the past, we have asked for donations and gotten used washers donated. Used washers are fine, but you never know what you are going to get (there is usually a reason why someone is replacing their washing machine).

And so I found a decent washing machine online for about $400 and sent the link out to everyone on the mailing list asking for help. Help! 2 of our washers died, can you help us buy a new one?!

Within an hour, a camper dad called and offered to buy 2 washers. Shortly after him, another person emailed back and said they'd like to buy one. By the end of the day, I had 7 offers for new washing machines.

I think people like to help fulfill a specific need. I think that $400 is a reasonable donation (significant, but not extravagant- manageable for many people). I wanted to say yes to all 7 and just stack up some back ups, but I didn't. I also wanted to ask for the cash, since they were willing to spend it anyway, but of course I didn't.

3 new washers- a pretty good accomplishment for one day!

Left Alone

Sometimes when Baby X cries, and my hands are full or I'm in another room, it takes me a minute or two before I am able to pick him up and soothe him. I always feel like a terrible mother and think, "please don't let him be scarred because he was abandoned for a full minute."

'A' went home to the city after camp today and happened to be at the office shortly after the camp bus arrived to drop the campers off after camp. She checked in with the counselors who had ridden home and they were sitting with one of the CITs (which is one of our teen campers) who hadn't been picked up. 'A' ended up letting the counselors go and waited with him.

They called several people, multiple times and couldn't get in touch with anyone. Apparently no one was going to come pick up this kid. Eventually they talked to the step mom who said to call the uncle. The uncle said he didn't know where the office was (when 'A' offered directions he said no) and that he wouldn't come and get him. 'A' couldn't reach the nuns who sponsored him to come to camp. And so the sat in the empty parking lot.

She called me several times over the hour that they waited. We discussed options. Our policy says that staff can't transport kids in their personal vehicles. The policy also says that we can't leave kids alone. There is a city bus stop near our office, but the suburb our office is located in is a far distance from where he needed to go to get home and he didn't actually know where that bus went. He told 'A' to just leave him, but of course she didn't. Even though he is 17, he's still a camper.

This is the same kid who was sitting in the empty parking lot with all of his stuff at 10am on Sunday when I arrived. The camp bus doesn't actually leave until 1pm, so he was VERY early. I'd arrived early to do some work before bus check in. I couldn't believe he was already there. Who leaves their kid in an empty parking lot, all alone (the building is locked on Sundays, so he couldn't even get inside to go to the bathroom if he'd needed to)?! When I pulled up and saw him, my heart broke and I thought about how I feel when my baby cries and I don't immediately drop everything to scoop him up. Except this is worse, way worse.

Eventually 'A' drove him to the nun's house where he was able to catch the city bus to go home. And I have to assume that by now, he's home. His parents weren't waiting with open arms, gushing about how much they missed him while he was gone at camp. I doubt there was a special dinner waiting for him. And the whole thing BREAKS MY HEART. This is his life. It's probably not the first time he has had to wait alone, or not gotten picked up, or had to figure out something on his own that his parents should have done for him. I'm sad for him. I'm mad for him. I want to squeeze my baby a little tighter.

Adjusting

Sunday was the first Sunday in 9 years that I wasn't at camp for the arrival of campers. Well, technically, last summer when my face swelled shut from poison ivy- THAT was the first time I missed the staff meeting and camper check in, but I was still AT camp that time, so this is the first time I've NOT been at camp.

Anyway, this was also the first time in 9 years that I was at the office to check in the kids who were riding the bus. It was similar to checking kids in at camp and overall uneventful.

Afterwards, I went home and hung out with my husband, baby X and my mom. We had a great afternoon and a lovely dinner at home. But it felt weird not to be at the first day of the session. The night before, 'N' and I had gone out to a fancy dinner to celebrate my grant and his promotion at work. We got dressed up and ate steak and lobster. We went out for ice cream afterwards. When we got home, we cuddled up on the couch and watched a movie. It was so relaxing and absolutely perfect. On Monday night, we went out to dinner again, this time for his birthday and this time with baby X. We ate sushi and had drinks while our cute perfect baby babbled happily at the table with us.

I love my life at home and I miss my husband, our house, our neighborhood, and our routine when I am at camp. It was nice to be home for a few days and be together as a family.

I also love my life at camp. And it is difficult to be away. It is weird to know that camp is in session and I am not there.

I have two parts of my life- both of which I love. It's probably a bit luxurious to complain about having too much goodness in life. I realize that. But it is really weird to have to split myself between the two.

I'm trying my hardest to fully enjoy both lives and not be stressed out. When I am at camp, even though I miss home, I am trying to focus on enjoying every minute of camp and not stress out about missing 'N' or being away. And when I am at home, I am trying to enjoy the fact that I have a fabulous life with a husband I love and not worry about not being at camp. A&M have camp under control and I don't need to worry.

And yet, when I got back to camp yesterday afternoon, I felt completely out of the loop. I hadn't met any of the kids and many of them didn't know who I was. There were already a million little jokes and stories from the 3 days of camp that I had missed. I feel disconnected and unsure of my role.

This week is weird. Not bad, just so different.

Working Mom

I went to the foundation to pick up the check today. It wasn't a formal thing, but they took my photo and asked if I could talk for a few minutes with some of the staff. I'd brought Baby X with me, because I didn't think I needed to get a babysitter for a 30 minute errand to pick up a check (even though it was a BIG check!).

In order to get there at 10am, which is when we'd agreed I'd come in, I ended up waking up baby X after about 20 minutes of his morning nap (which is usually an hour). I was nervous he would be fussy, so instead of carrying him in his seat, I wore him on my chest.

Luckily X is a SUPER easy going baby and was calm and quiet. When they asked if I could sit and talk about camp for a few minutes, I said yes of course, while in my head I was thinking, "please let this baby stay calm!"

I sat down and started talking and camp and answering their questions. X was quiet and sweet. He didn't make any noise, but eventually starting leaning back and tipping his head all the way back so he could look up at me while I talked. I was ignoring the fact that I had a baby on my chest, trying to be as focused and professional, as if I was wearing a business suit, not a baby.

I was feeling confident and poised, totally worthy of $31,000, the ultimate professional camp director. At which point X reached his tiny hand straight up and gently cupped my face in his hand, his tiny fingers resting right next to my mouth in a loving, tender way. I melt when he does things like that- he's just so cute. But this time I ignored him, pretending there wasn't a little hand on my face while I continued discussing the intended outcomes of our mission and how the grant money would be used to further our strategic plan.

They invited me to come back in August and said they would hold a luncheon for the entire staff so I could come and make a presentation about camp. I look forward to speaking to them without a little helper...

Camp Director/Mom

All of the staff (not the lead staff, but the counselors and support staff) get one night off per week. It starts after dinner-midnight. Wednesday night is Nanny’s night off. After dinner, X and I had our normal routine of bath, facetime with daddy, a bottle and bed. Once he was asleep, I wrote the daily camp blog entry, answered some emails and then the power went out.

No power means no water, so washing bottles, taking a shower and making a hot cup of tea were no longer on my to-do list. I actually have a few things to work on that don’t require internet, so I sat in my dark house and started typing, hoping the power would come back soon.

The power goes out a lot at camp, but it never gets any easier. Tonight was supposed to be the all camp dance party, and so I knew that ‘A’ and ‘M’ were going to have to find an alternative activity for 90 kids. We’ve done it before, and it’s all part of camp, and I knew they would be fine, but I was frustrated that I was sitting in my house instead of helping them plan. I could hear them talking back and forth on the walkie talkies and besides just the power outage changing the schedule at the last minute, I could hear ‘A’ being asked to deal with other issues.

And then ‘A’ came to my door. Camper J had hurt his knee during relays earlier in the evening and he heard a “pop” and couldn’t walk. Camper M had gotten mad at another girl in her cabin and slapped, then kicked her. ‘A’ came to my house to ask if I could come help.

X was asleep and the dining hall is probably about a football field distance away from my house. It’s not far and I wasn’t going to be gone long, but leaving him alone is not a good idea. I know that. I imagined him waking up and screaming and me not being there. I imagined someone sneaking in and stealing him. I imagined an unexpected tornado to pick up my house and carry it away with him inside.

I left him anyway.

I sat and talked with the hitter/kicker. She was sobbing when I got there. ‘A’ had sufficiently scared her into thinking she might have to go home and of course, the worse threat of all, going to get me. It’s a funny threat, because it is the ultimate worst case scenario that staff use, but I am always calm, nice and even when they really did something bad, I am usually pretty understanding and try to connect with them. But it’s a scary threat anyway, and she was crying, so I spent a little time talking to her about other ways she could have handled it and warning her that if she did anything like that again, she would go home. We called mom. We had a nice chat. She calmed down. She went back to her cabin.

Then I went upstairs and looked at the injured kid’s knee. It hurt, he couldn’t put pressure on it. Mom wanted him to go to the doctor.

‘A’ took Assistant Program Director M with her, got the camp van and they headed off to the ER. This is the first ER visit in 9 years that I am not there for. ‘A’ has been with me to most of the previous trips and she knows what to do. It’s a small hospital- you check in, give them the kid’s health form, sit with the kid and wait while the doctor checks them out. I don’t need to be there for it, but I always have been so it’s weird to stay home.

I checked in with “M” who was getting ready to send the kids back to their cabins without showering or brushing their teeth (since we have no water). She had a few staff filling water jugs with the water that was left in the pipes so that kids could fill their water bottles and then she was going to give the speech about how they wouldn’t be able to flush the toilets after going to the bathroom.

She was handling it and everything was under control. I had only been gone about 15 minutes. I wanted to stay in the dining hall and help manage everything, but I knew I needed to get back to my sleeping baby. He was fine- no screaming, no kidnappers, no tornado, just a peacefully sleeping baby in a dark house with no power.

I am struggling to adjust to being a camp director and a mom. Camp is running well. Despite all of the challenges tonight, everything was under control and kids were having a great time. I don’t need to be the one doing everything in order for camp to run. 

I GOT IT

A few hours ago, I wrote a post about struggling. I was dragging through the day.

And then I got THE CALL.

I got the grant. The proposal that I wrote in between staff training sessions, while sick, at the last minute... I got it.

$31,400.

The largest grant the organization has given of this kind. They chose to award the entire sum of the fund (the original range had been listed as $10,000-$30,000).

I ran into the camp store (where A&M were working) and said, "congratulate me!" they paused and then 'A' said, "you got the grant?!" and we all jumped up and down.

We currently have 45 kids registered for the week, so it is slightly anti-climatic- at this point, I NEED the grant. I have spent the money already. But that's not the point.

Up until this point, the largest grant that I've written a proposal for and received has been $5000. So, um, yeah, this is a lot more than that.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I am SO excited.

Struggling

It's Wednesday and I'm struggling with this week.

The first week is always difficult as counselors adjust and figure out how to actually do all of the things we taught them in staff training. They are late to everything, they look a little frenzied and I have the strong wish that there was a "pause" button and I could just give everyone a second to take a deep breath and collect themselves. We are tight on staff this summer due to the fact that we couldn't find male counselors to save our lives (so we only have 3 of them) and two of the female counselors we hired bailed right before training. So this week, several counselors have cabins on their own, rather than having a co-counselor. That always makes things challenging.

I am still a little bit sick- I can't seem to shake this cough/sore throat and I'm not feeling 100%. This morning, my allergies kicked in, so I took some benedryl and have been walking around in a fog all day.

And I'm still adjusting to having baby X here at camp. I don't love his nanny- she's super sweet and he always seems happy. He smiles when he sees her and she is doing a good job. But she's timid and doesn't come across as very bright. So even though she is taking good care of him, I don't feel confident in her. I have to resist the urge ALL day to go to wherever they are and take him.

I'm just not quite in the groove yet. This is normal, I know this feeling and I know that it won't feel like this forever. We will settle into a routine and I will feel comfortable in my own skin and camp again. Every summer is it's own experience. I just need to put one foot in front of the other until I feel steady.

Nonstop

A typical day at camp! I'm exhausted!

I woke up, fed the baby, got ready for the day and got us out of the house early to go print schedules that I had been up until 1am working on. We had a camper birthday, so at breakfast, we did our birthday crew march around the dining hall.

After breakfast, I brought X back to my house and snuggled him a little while I waited to hand him off to nanny. And then it was a whirlwind of activity- I took a group of 10 year olds canoeing, helped 45 kids tie die tee shirts, then it was nanny's break so X joined us as we helped the other 50 kids tie dye shirts. Lunch, rest time and then a full afternoon of making sure all of the kids and staff were going where they needed to go and doing what they needed to do.

After dinner, X and I took Olivia out to play and then it was baby bath time, facetime with daddy, drink a bottle and then he passed out! Tonight is time for emails, the camp blog, doing laundry, washing bottles, and hopefully an early bedtime!

X is adjusting to camp very well. He doesn't seem phased by 90 kids shouting and banging on tables with spirit. He was out and about all day today with nanny and he is very smiley and friendly to the groups of kids who come over to him. He's happy and falls to sleep immediately at nap time and bedtime.

We're both exhausted and adjusting to the pace of camp!!

First Day of Camp

The first day of camp is here.

'N' and I (and baby X) started the day by going to breakfast to celebrate Father's Day and then it was time for our pre-camp staff meeting and waiting for the bus to arrive. Today was HOT. I was sweaty almost immediately. But I'd rather be hot than have it rain, so I was counting my blessings for the weather.

It was a very smooth first day. The staff were calm and looked prepared before kids arrived. 2 busses arrived and 90 kids tumbled out. Over half of the kids are returners, so it was fun to greet familiar faces. It's also nice because they know what they are doing and how camp works. It was your typical first day chaos- the counselors went from calm and confident before kids arrived to a sort of stunned look of shock as actual kids are so much different than just talking about kids in staff training. Dinner was a little hectic as the schedules had been printed incorrectly and everyone showed up early.

But overall, for the first day it was really smooth, really uneventful...

And then it wasn't.

After dinner I'd gone back to my trailer to give X a bath and put him to bed. I was going to work on emails, the camp blog, schedules, etc and then nanny was going to come when the opening campfire started so I could go. X had a bath, video-chatted with Grandma, had some milk and went right to sleep. I was working on my computer when the thunder started.

Over the walkie talkies, we decided to move the campfire into the basement of the dining hall. No fire, but you can still sing all the songs, watch the skits and do all of the same things that you do at a campfire.

Because it was raining, I told 'A' to keep nanny and I'd skip the "fire" so neither of us would have to run across camp in the rain.

The tornado warning alert came on my phone about a second before the sirens started going off. The wind was BLOWING and the rain was getting heavier. It only took me a few seconds to grab X's bag, throw a bottle into it, RUN to my van, back it up to my door, grab the carseat, gently lift a sleeping baby out of his crib and put him in his carseat, cover the carseat in my rain coat, run the few steps to my van (while simultaneously urging a fat bulldog to run as fast as she could to the van (she seemed to sense the urgency and she was very fast), and speed across camp to the dining hall. 'A' was standing outside, ready to meet me and help me wrangle a bulldog while I ran a baby inside. Start to finish, it took me about 2 minutes to flee across camp.

We sat in the staff locker room, which is separated from the main room of the basement by a partial wall. The kids were singing loudly, unaware we were in a tornado warning. X was his typical good natured self, looking around in awe, smiling at everyone and calm, despite the LOUD singing on the other side of the wall. Olivia was upset she couldn't be with the kids, so she spent some of the time barking. 'A' and I sat and looked at every weather app we both had and kept shaking our heads.

We were only in the basement about 30 minutes and then everything was clear, the sun came out and the rain stopped and I took my baby back to his bed in our little tin can of a home.

This is the first time in 9 summers that we've actually had a tornado warning and had to be in the basement. I guess we are starting the summer with a bang.

Gambling

For the record, I am NOT a gambler. I like to be sure about things and I hate making mistakes, so I try to be prepared before I make any decisions.

Today I made a choice and as I made it, I said, "this is me learning things the hard way." I am HOPING that everything works out. But I am 100% sure that I am going to look back and say, "oh boy! I would do that SO different next time." And I HATE that. Because I don't want to mess things up.

I'm in the midst of applying for a $30,000 grant. As in, it's like 99.9% done and I probably could have hit "send" today, but it's not due until Friday and so I am waiting until the morning to look at it again. This isn't a typical grant, because I am pretty sure, mostly sure, kinda sure, that I am going to get it. I've spoken with the woman at the organization giving it several times and she has basically told me it is mine to lose.

Unrelated to the grant, a few weeks ago, we decided to cancel the July 4 camp session. Our last two weeks of the summer are FULL and have waitlists, but we only had 11 kids registered and it didn't look like we'd get enough in the next few weeks to run it. So we cancelled. We managed to move all of the kids, so it was fine, but we have out of state staff who will still be here and all of the staff were counting on working that week, so it's a bummer. It's actually a huge headache, but I'm trying not to let it stress me out.

So back to this grant- based on the criteria and several conversations with the granting organization and my board, this money will be used to send kids to camp. There are other things we could have possibly proposed, but this is the best option. We could wait until next year to use it, but registration isn't quite where I want it for this summer (I had an aggressive goal for this year) and so we want to use it to bring kids THIS summer.

Since the last two (and almost the last 3) sessions are full, what better week to target than that stupid July 4 week. Except that it is in 3 weeks. Which is a SHORT turn around to register kids.

After I spoke to the grant woman on Monday, I made literally 30 phone calls to try to figure out where I could find 50 kids to come to camp in 3 weeks. It's free camp, but still, it's in 3 weeks. Well, I found my source. And several people who are EXCITED to help me spread the word. And they've eagerly been calling me. And I've been avoiding their calls because I am thrilled that they want to get a bunch of kids to camp on such short notice and I appreciate their support and I really appreciate their sense of urgency. But I don't actually have the grant yet.

So, if kids are going to sign up for camp in 3 weeks, they need to be doing so NOW. The grant is due Friday and the committee is meeting early next week. But by the time I find out about the grant, it will be too late to get kids registered.

The CORRECT answer is to add a session on at the end of the summer in August or to wait until next summer. BUT, that is not what I WANT to do. I want to run camp during the empty week, which will utilize my staff, fill a week that otherwise would just be wasted and rock my numbers (and budget) for the summer.

And so today I decided to gamble. I opened registration and sent out the information to the people who are going to help me get campers. And within an hour, I had 5 registrations. And with every registration that popped up, I got a little more nervous.

And now I am FREAKING out. I DO NOT have a backup plan if we do not get the grant. I can't cancel 50 kids who are expecting free camp. I can't run a week of camp for FREE. I NEED to get the grant, there is NO option for failure.

I am FULLY aware that I created this problem and I should have been practical and logical and smart about this. DO NOT SPEND MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE OR EVEN KNOW IF YOU WILL GET! Ugh. This could be SUCH an expensive lesson.

It could work out... and be awesome...

But it could also be a disaster....

We'll just have to wait and see.

A Trip to the Doctor

We’re a little over halfway through with staff training and it is going well. “M” is doing such a fantastic job and several times, I have found myself thinking, “oh she’s doing that so much better than I would have!” The staff seem to be bonding and are definitely getting more comfortable.

I, however, woke up in a coughing fit several times last night and started this morning feeling even worse than yesterday. The weather was cold and misty and I just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep all day.

Instead, I taught canoeing for 3 hours. I tried to make an appointment at the clinic in town, but the earliest they could get me in was tomorrow. They suggested I go to urgent care, which is at the hospital about 45 minutes away. I knew that if I went to urgent care, I’d be gone for most of the afternoon and it felt weird to think that I could leave for such a long time during such an important time for camp. Even when I’m not the person leading the training, I’m always here while it’s going on.

However, the older I get, the less willing I am to “tough it out” when I don’t have to. And in this case, I knew that training was going on without me and we have health insurance for this very purpose. So I went to urgent care and ended up with antibiotics and an inhaler. It only ended up taking 2.5 hours total. Hopefully I will wake up feeling much better tomorrow.