Terrifying

There is a look that a person's face makes when there is an emergency. It is CHILLING. You know immediately, without words, that something is WRONG.

Today Counselor M ran into the Welcome Center and had that look, saying, "come quick. Nanny just passed out."

Apparently she walked into the DC, said, "get Camp Director" and then collapsed. When the nurse and I got to her, she was the whitest I've ever seen a person, laying on the floor. She said she'd been feeling nauseous earlier in the day, hadn't eaten much at lunch and then started feeling dizzy.

X was napping when she started to feel sick, so she walked to the DC for help and then promptly collapsed.

Luckily there were several staff there and emergency procedures kicked in quick as someone ran for help, the nurse was walkied, and within minutes, we were there with her. Someone ran to the trailer immediately to check on the baby and someone else had put her feet up on a chair and were with her the whole time.

Luckily baby X was safely asleep, and not in her arms.

Luckily she realized she wasn't well and went for help, so that she wasn't alone in my trailer when she passed out.

It was a bad situation with SO many things that went well. I think she made a smart choice and I have to give her credit for doing so, even though she wasn't feeling well.

When I was on maternity leave, I was COMPLETELY terrified that something would happen to me during the day. I had terrible paranoid, anxious day dreams about the baby spending all day screaming in his crib by himself if I passed out. Or that I would pass out and drop him and he'd be on the floor screaming all day.

I've never passed out in my life. I don't have any health problems. I had no reason to worry about passing out (other than being sleep deprived, postpartum, a bit terrified of the TINY newborn that I was responsible for, anxious, and did I mention sleep deprived?!). 'N' thought I was losing my mind and told me to stop allowing myself let my mind run with such terrible "what if" scenarios. But I had a TINY new baby that was SO delicate and needy. Everything about him was so tiny and fragile. And being responsible for keeping him alive all day was intimidating. But I was fine. He was fine. And eventually he got bigger and I calmed down (a bit) and the horror scenarios stopped running through my head.

But today was scary. Because THAT was exactly what I was so paranoid was going to happen to me. And I can't stop thinking about 'what if she'd been holding him?" "what if she'd been alone with him?" "what if anyone, ever, for the rest of his life that he's small enough to hold, passes out and drops him?" Maybe I should insist that he is NEVER alone with just one person. Maybe I should insist that no one (including me) ever holds him while standing up? Maybe I should wrap him in pads and get a helmet and cover our floors in pillows. And really, while I'm making safety rules, maybe he should never be in a car (because those are dangerous). And come to think of it, I've switched from pureed baby mush to actual food, but even really soft, tiny pieces are probably dangerous, so maybe we should go back to the mush... I wonder how long he could just have breastmilk (it's a complete source of nutrition)? Oh, and crawling? He's SO close, but that needs to be out. And forget teaching him to walk.

Except that life is filled with what ifs, and "it could have been worse" and "that would have been totally different if that one small detail was changed" and my imagination is WILDLY creative, coupled with terrible anxiety, makes for some scary thoughts. So I have to put up a stop sign and be thankful that even though today was scary, it was fine. He's fine. She's fine. I'm fine.