Bowling

Everyone at camp went bowling tonight. I stood in the driveway as the organized themselves in cars and smiled, joked around and told them to have fun. And then everyone left and I sat by myself and felt like a sad little kid that got excluded on the playground.

The silly thing is, I don’t want to go bowling. There’s no scenario I can imagine where I would choose to go bowling. But the fact that I don’t have a choice and just can’t go makes it feel bad.

I love being a mom. I love that tiny human more than anything I can possibly put into words. Every time I even think about him, it takes my breath away and fills me with awe and joy. I want to hold him and snuggle him every second of every day. When he sleeps, I miss him and find myself watching videos of him. I tiptoe to his crib to watch him sleep. Even in the middle of the night, when I am so exhausted I question whether my body will move, when he wakes up and cries, I think, “oh good! I can hold him again!”

I love the way he smells, the sound of his little voice when he babbles. He has perfect tiny hands that fill me with happiness just to look at them. He has perfect chubby feet with the cutest toes I’ve ever seen. He is perfect in every way. He’s learning new things every day and I am in a constant state of amazement watching him learn.

I love every detail about him and just thinking about him makes my heart burst with a love that I didn’t know was possible.

So why am I upset that I can’t go bowling? Bowling?!  BOWLING… At a small town, run down, dirty bowling alley that I have ZERO desire to set foot in. Have I mentioned how PERFECT this little human is? His skin is gorgeous and smooth, his smile makes my heart explode. He has big blue eyes and just the lightest peach fuzz hair. He is pristine, like a doll. He is spectacular in every way.

Dirty bowling alley.

Perfect baby.

There is no debate.

And still, as they all drove away, I felt sad. My life has changed. I LOVE the change and I love my life. But change takes time to get used to and I suppose it’s ok to feel a little sad.

I’m actually not sure if it’s even sadness that I feel. No, as I think about it, I’m not sad. I think I’m uncomfortable, unsure, a little confused. This summer is so much different than the previous 8, that I’m trying to figure out where I fit and who I am. I feel like I’m riding a bike for the first time ever. It feels scary and unknown and sorta like I could fall over at any moment. It feels awkward and shaky. Before this summer, I felt confident and steady (rock solid actually). And so, to feel unsure feels uncomfortable. In the last 8 summers, I would have confidently skipped bowling, because, well, ick, I don’t wanna go bowling! I wouldn’t have felt sad or left out.

I’m trying to be patient with myself as I figure out who I am now that I’m a mom too. Eventually, I will feel comfortable and normal again. And I will look back and think about the time I felt sad because I couldn’t go bowling. Bowling. Seriously, bowling.