Diaper Rash

Ridiculous seasonal allergies
Whooping cough
Strep throat
Ear infection
Lyme Disease
Bed bugs
Spider bites
Allergic reaction to mouse poison
Heat exhaustion
Fly bites (resulting in huge swollen lumps)
Acid burns (from a leaking boat battery)
Bee stings
Poison ivy
Infected open sore on my finger
Chiggers
Cold
Flu
Bumps, bruises, scrapes, etc.

This is the list of gross and unfortunate ailments I've survived in 15 years of working at summer camp. I've never listed everything out before and I'm a little creeped out as I review. But disgusting list aside, at this point, I'm pretty much unfazed by whatever germy, unfortunate ailment arises.

And then I got diaper rash.

Since I don't actually wear a diaper, I'm not sure if what I have is technically diaper rash. Also, I'm 32, shower regularly and have no issues in terms of using the restroom. So maybe we shouldn't call it diaper rash. But something resembling diaper rash is happening on my bottom and tonight I baby powdered myself...

I think it's possible, of everything on the list, I've finally hit rock bottom with gross-ness. It might be time to hang up my fanny pack and go get a nice clean office job.

Mark Wahlberg

Today was one of those days. The sun was shining and the lake was glistening, but I woke up on the wrong side of the bed (as they say). I was trying to be optimistic and happy and appreciate camp to the fullest, but I was crabby and everything was annoying me.

It is the time of the year that literally overnight, camp goes from mostly bug free to something resembling the rainforest in the Amazon. The mosquitos are so thick it is unbearable.

About 6 months ago, I went "chemical free" in all aspects of my life (cleaning products, toiletries, etc.) I have been making my own shampoo, lotion, deodorant, etc. And so naturally, I made my own bug repellant. It's actually working really well, but coconut oil is the base of it and so I spent the day glistening in oil. Everything I leaned my arm on or brushed against with my leg had oil marks on it. And then by the afternoon, the oil was covered in dirt, making my skin look about 10 shades darker, except that it was just dirt. I was determined to embrace my natural lifestyle so I refused to shower, but I was greasy, dirty, and had a swarm of bugs biting through my clothing and anywhere on me that wasn't oil covered. I was ready to scream in misery and then spray myself in a cloud of chemicals (I didn't do either, but I was really on the verge).

The weather is humid, my dogs were filthy (and covered in bugs), it was too hot to let the dogs go out to play for very long, so they were crabby too. Just overall, kind of miserable.

And then I got this email from my board president-

Ok crazy thought……reading an Esquire article this weekend about Mark Wahlberg. He has his own foundation that gives money to kids for camp. He is also very Catholic. What do we have to lose? Do you have any time to do this grant app? 

Let me take a deep breath before I toss this computer at the wall.

1. Thanks for the super wonderful suggestion. Anyone else see a connection between camp closing and your sense of reality and/or practical use of my time?

2. Either you don't understand the amount of work I have on my to do list during pre-camp OR you don't understand the amount of time a grant application takes OR you are being funny right now--- is this an attempt at humor?

3. I happen to love Mark Wahlberg and think he is the most dreamiest of all the dreamy celebrities alive. I would pay full price for a movie ticket just to watch him read the phonebook. And I appreciate him even more now that I know he has a foundation, but really? REALLY? SERIOUSLY?

I looked up his foundation on the off chance it supports obscure tiny camps outside of his home state and while it looks like the foundation does great work, and even factoring in my ridiculously high sense of optimism (often bordering on oblivion), I just don't see this as a helpful suggestion. In fact, I am going to add this email to the pile of other obnoxiously ridiculous, bordering on insulting emails I've received recently, with suggestions such as, "you should have a bake sale" or "have you tried having a fundraiser?"

This camp might have to close earlier than expected when I have a nervous breakdown from dealing with idiotic suggestions.

I appreciate that people want to help, but, like, for real, people need to give me some credit (yes, I have thought of having a fundraiser, thanks for the suggestion) and also, people need to jump into reality (ie- how many baked goods do you think I need to make to save a camp, and what do you think the odds are that Mark Wahlberg is going to give me a grant?)

Maybe all of this will be funny, or even sound more reasonable tomorrow. But for now, I've finally scrubbed off the oil and dirt, the air conditioning is on, the dogs are clean and I am taking deep breaths and trying to shake off the day....

It Takes a Village

My mom was here visiting over the weekend and it was wonderful to have her here. I took her on a tour of camp to show her all of the projects we had completed on work weekend. As we walked through camp, we reminisced about all of the years before this one. My mom has been visiting since the beginning and she is one of just a handful of people who remember what it was like my first year. It's so nice to have people who remember buildings filled with junk, dreary, messy camp.

I wish I had taken photos that first year. I was so embarrassed, but now, as I walked through each building with my mom and organized, labeled shelves with bins of supplies and bright painting welcomed us in, I know the progress we've made, but I wish I had photos to remind me just how far I've come.

As I begin my 7th year, I can't help but feel nostalgic and sentimental over all of the support I've had. I could not have lasted this long without the incredible community around me.

My mom has made multiple trips each year- cleaning my house, bringing me food and the dogs treats, encouraging me, donating money and about a million random items...

My dad, obviously...

My best friend X who visited the very first week of the very first year and was there when the executive director yelled at me for no reason- the first of his jekyl/hyde freak outs. She helped me figure out how to create activity schedules the first year and has  visited every year since, even last year with 6 month old twins. She sends me mail, care packages and always knows all of my staff so she can listen to my ridiculous stories with enthusiasm.

My brother who has been to most work weekends and has always had the worst job (digging a hole, in the rain while a bulldog puppy barked at him, etc), who has visited every year, always making an impression on the staff in the shortest amount of time.

So many other friends who have visited, sent letters, listened to my stories, and never forgot about me when I disappeared and stopped answering my phone for 3 months each year.

Many former YMCA co-workers who have willingly given me camp programming, handbooks, financial aid charts and have always taken my calls when I needed advice and guidance.

And of course, my fiance, who has supported me 100%, driving a million miles a summer and never once complaining about my job. Whenever he has a business trip and has to be gone for 3 days, I have a meltdown, whine, cry, complain and go on as if my arm is about to be chopped off. He has never said a word about me running off to the woods every summer.

It's kind of amazing as I think about it- I don't think it is typical to have so many people to come together to support one person's job. I am so lucky. It has been an amazing journey and I am so thankful to everyone who has been part of making this possible for me.

Buddhism

16 years of Catholic school and 7 years running a Catholic camp- this summer I am finally comfortable being honest- I'm not a Catholic. I don't come from a religious family- we went to Catholic schools because they were small community focused classrooms. I got this job because I had a Catholic background, but I accepted the job despite the fact that it was Catholic. I've never really lied- I don't think in 7 years I've ever actually said specifically that I was a practicing Catholic. I am FANTASTIC at vague answers referencing the beauty of the church and wonder of prayer, but I don't think I've ever bold face lied and said, "yep, Catholic, that's me." Sure, the hundred or so tee shirts I own from this camp probably lead one to assume my religious preference and that's definitely been the biggest drawback from this job. I am proud of this camp, but I always worry that people will think I'm Catholic if they find out my job.

I don't have anything against the Catholics necessarily, I just don't share, like, 98% of their beliefs. I'm all for "thou shall not kill" and "thou shall not steal" but pretty much everything else is a little iffy for me.

For many years, I've thought religion just wasn't my thing and that I was just a "nothing" in the religious aspect. I think I believe in God- the world seems a bit too majestic to just chalk it all up to science. But I definitely don't buy that God has a religious preference which has always made it difficult for me to follow a religion that claims to have a monopoly on God.

Religious musings (or my cynicism towards them) could probably be a whole blog in itself. So I won't go into further detail.

Except to say that I recently discovered Buddhism and as my super religious, evangelical staff say, "I'm on fire for it". I've been reading a ton about it and listening to some Buddhism for Beginners ebooks. I feel completely inspired and peaceful and complete. I finally understand (at least to a small degree) what it feels like to be really engaged and committed to a religion. I can imagine going to Buddhist temple every week to hear someone discuss and celebrate the teachings. I can imagine taking my future children to temple and raising them based on this set of beliefs. I can imagine spending time and effort learning more and working harder to live out what I am learning.

Every small thing I learn about it inspires me to want to learn more, to want to be a dedicated follower, to strive to be a more "faithful" person (although I don't think it's called faith in Buddhism). I feel amazing inner peace and greater purpose and my lifelong nearly crippling anxiety responds really well to Buddhist teaching to calm me the F down.

As I face the prospect of leading this camp through a last summer, I can't help but think that this must be similar to loving someone with a terminal illness. I want to make the most of every moment- making sure each minute is filled with joy. And yet, I can't ignore the reality of what is coming and at times it fills me with fear, sadness, and overwhelming dread. It's hard to focus on joy when grief is so palpable. But Buddhism is helping me cope, helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings and make sense of life. I feel strong and stable and generally at peace.

Bring on Catholic summer #7, this time as a Buddhist...

Support

The email went out letting people know that camp is struggling. And then the email responses came flooding in.

My inbox was full of kind, thoughtful, supportive responses. Some were short and sweet- parents wishing they had a few extra millions to help camp, and some of the emails offered concern for how I was handling it. There were compliments about how I've turned camp around and how camp has changed kids lives. Every email was nicer than the next.

When my dad died, camp sent out an email letting people know and I got a very similar response. I didn't realize how much it would mean to me to have people's support and that just a simple email could give me strength. I appreciated every single email I received and I still have all of them saved in a folder.

But it was also really draining to respond to all of them. "Thank you for your kindness and support..." I wanted to crawl into bed and not deal with any of it.

That's a little bit how I feel with these camp emails. They mean a lot to me, but knowing that a camper is dreaming about being a LIT (in 5 years) or a counselor (in 8 years) or that camp is the one place a kid feels like he belongs and has friends is a little bit crushing. I know camp changes lives- I have been getting extraordinary emails, cards, letters and in person stories for years. Every story brings joy to my heart and makes me swell with pride.

Camp is going to close. It's the right step for the organization and running the foundation is the right next step for me in my life. But it's also going to be agonizing and another experience with profound grief.

Ugh.

The End #2

Last May, I attempted to give 4 months notice to my executive committee because I didn't think I could do this job anymore. They responded by saying they wouldn't replace me, they'd just close camp (see http://sunshineandrainbowdreams.blogspot.com/2013/04/part-2-its-not-you-its-me-except-that.html). By the end of the summer I couldn't bear the thought of camp closing, so I came up with a fabulous presentation to argue to the executive committee to keep it open. They didn't let me give my presentation, instead, they basically shrugged their shoulders and said, "if you're in, we're in" (see http://sunshineandrainbowdreams.blogspot.com/2013/08/fighting-for-camp.html).

I am happy to have had another year and another summer ahead. But by January, it was clear to me that the concerns from last year were still there and we were still running a little camp without any hope. We dropped the price (see http://sunshineandrainbowdreams.blogspot.com/2014/01/hail-mary.html) but I knew it wasn't really the solution that we needed to save camp.

At the beginning of April, Board President J called me to let me know he'd received a cash offer from a gentleman on the lake who wants to purchase the camp property. It didn't upset me as much as I thought it might. I already knew this was probably the last summer.

The executive committee and I met and we all agreed it was time to be done. Twenty years ago (or maybe 30), this camp needed to start making updates to the property. We didn't. So here we are present day with a camp that is old and in need of millions of dollars to bring it up to modern times. We don't have the money, but worse than that, we don't have the board, the volunteers, the alumni or the community support it would take to raise the money. Camp is safe- I wouldn't even consider letting kids or staff be somewhere that was unsafe, but in the next few years, the buildings are going to start falling- it's not "if" it's when. And so we all agreed that if we sell camp now, we can use the assets to create a charitable foundation to send kids to camp and continue on with the mission that we (and 67 years worth of people) have worked so hard for.

It's bittersweet. A lot bitter- I love this place. I can't imagine my life without camp. I know a lot of campers and families that will be heartbroken we won't be here anymore. We have changed a lot of lives.

But this is the best thing. We could probably squeeze a few more years out of camp, but I don't want to end because we HAVE to because someone gets hurt or one of the important buildings falls apart.

This is the email I sent to J- our consultant from a few years ago. I sent it to her after the executive committee meeting. She called me immediately to offer her words of encouragement and support and let me know she thought I was handling it with perspective and poise.

Hi Friend,

I wanted to keep you up to date on the latest in camp news.

J, M, T and I met yesterday. J received a $1.6 million cash offer to purchase camp a few weeks ago. The gentleman who made the offer lives in town and has plans to build "clustered housing" on the property.

The four of us agree that moving forward with the sale of the property and using the assets to create a foundation is the best way to go. Tomorrow the entire board will meet to vote, but I don't see anything different happening. 

A few thoughts- camp has been squeaking by on a shoestring budget and luck for the entire 67 years, and has been on borrowed time for at least the last 10 years. We've done a lot of good work in that time and I feel good about it. 

There might still be a few years left in the camp, but the reality is, it's not a question of "if" rather a matter of "when" the buildings start to fall over. We need $5 million to get the buildings to where they need to be, and even if we had that, we don't have an infrastructure to fundraise the money we need to run camp every year. 

My biggest concern is that with an aging camp, someone is going to get hurt. Beyond my desire for everyone's safety, I also know that if we run camp until we are bankrupt, when it is over, it's over and that's just so final.

With a foundation, we can continue the work that 67 years of people have put so much effort into providing. We can send kids to camp. We can continue providing the life changing experience to kids. 

I am sad that I won't be leading the programming that makes that change, but I know I can still be involved with camps and I am excited to take on the new adventure of the foundation. J and M have also been so thoughtful and kind to hold off the sale until after my wedding, so this won't actually happen until October. So not only do we have one final summer to make memories, but we are going to have the wedding of all weddings to say goodbye to camp with a bang!

I'm sure there will be more to add to this story as more people find out the news, but I wanted to make sure you were one of the first to know.

I thought the board was going to approve the sale and I would announce the end, but of course, it's never simple with them. There were a few people who want to wait until after the summer, so we decided to hold off on an official decision. Who knows- maybe there will be a miracle. I doubt it, but after my initial frustration at their inability to DO anything, I realized it is probably better to go into the summer with people knowing the end is possible, but without a sense of doom hanging over everything.

So I sent this email to her the next day-

As you know from our conversations in the past few days, the executive committee and I met and decided that selling camp and creating a foundation was the best decision for our organization moving forward. 

Today the entire board met and I had expected that decision would be finalized, but the camp board always keeps me on my toes, so I wanted to update you with where we are at. 

Several members of the board felt VERY strongly that camp needs to remain open. They feel strongly that there's money out there, that we can recruit more campers and that everything will be fine. As you know, I am the most optimistic person about camp, sometimes to a fault. I have never let my hope for this camp waiver. I love this place more than I can possibly say (my dad's ashes are spread here, my wedding is set for here, I don't know if I could love a place more). And yet, I found myself frustrated at the conversation. 

We have had the same conversation more times than I can count over the past 7 years I've been here (and they were having it well before me). We don't have the means to raise the money we need to operate. We've done everything we can to recruit campers and yet every year, the numbers are lower. And the fact is, all emotion aside, this camp is done. I am the most emotional, most attached person to this camp and I would gladly agree to be the director forever, so for me to say that- well, I'm not usually the reasonable, logical, business minded leader in the crowd. 

Anyway, the board decided to wait to make a decision until August. If we can somehow find $150,000 to pay off the loan we have (that is due in September), we will stay open. If not, we will close. I wanted to bash my head against a wall when that decision was made. If we have the means to raise $150,000 in 3 months, WHY haven't we done it yet? What is going to be different in 3 months? I just wanted to shake them all and say, "rip off the bandaid, it's going to happen and prolonging it just makes it worse! If this place is going to die, I want to start grieving NOW."

I must have made a face (hard to believe, right?!) because J asked me to walk him out to his car at the end of the meeting. He told me that we need to give everyone time to get there and, barring some miracle, we'll announce the closing in August. 

So basically, nothing has changed, but we're not making anything official yet. I just sent him a first draft of an email that will go out to the families and everyone else. I was adamant that even if we don't make anything official, we needed to give me a heads up of the challenges so that we didn't just surprise everyone in August with "oh by the way, that was it, we're closing now". So I guess we are beginning the process while not quite giving up hope for a miracle. 

I'm not exactly sure how we will present this to the summer staff or campers. I don't know how to be optimistic and realistic at the same time. 

So that's where we are at. If you know anyone with a few million dollars laying around, now is the time to give them a call. 

Email or call me with questions. 

I'm off to camp! Regardless of anything else, summer is here, it's gonna be AWESOME and I am pumped to head to the woods!

Then I sent this email to everyone on the newsletter list.

CAMP families, alumni, staff and friends, 

As we head into summer 2014 I am excited to share with you that CAMP's 67th summer is looking like it will be the best yet. We have an amazing staff in place, have made great updates at work weekend and camper enrollment is higher than last year at this time. We have received great support from the Catholic Parents Club and have increased fundraising efforts since the fall. 

However, CAMP is facing many challenges that concern the board and all who have worked so hard for the past 67 years. The buildings are aging and in need of repairs/ replacement at an estimated cost of around $3 million. Despite increasing enrollment this year, overall registration is down and fundraising is not where it needs to be to maintain the organization. 

The board of directors and I have had several difficult conversations about the future of CAMP and we are exploring all of our options as we look beyond this summer. It is our goal to continue the vision of Father JS, although we are unsure of what form that may take. Likely it will not be in the traditional camp model we have followed for 67 years.

We feel it is important to make you aware of our uncertain future so that anyone who is interested can give their opinion and feedback before camp ends in August. Please feel free to email or call me with any questions or suggestions for the future of CAMP.

We are excited and confident about summer 2014 and I look forward to seeing our return campers, meeting our new campers and reconnecting with so many of you who visit. We are going to make this summer our best yet.  

Please keep CAMP in your prayers as we gear up for the summer!

And then this one to my family and friends-

Hi Friends,

I just sent off an email announcing the uncertain future of CAMP. Already I've gotten several sad emails and I was a little surprised at how many people have also kindly expressed their personal concern for me. I wanted to send you a quick follow up email so you know I'm not in the fetal position or having a nervous breakdown. 

The email that I sent didn't include the information that a few weeks ago a gentleman approached the board with a cash offer to purchase CAMP. The board and I have met several times and we agree that now is a good time to sell, use the assets to create a foundation and continue to send kids to camp. The mission will live on and 67 years of changing lives will continue. 

This camp has been "the little camp that could" since it began in 1947 and has been struggling since before I started 7 years ago. The bigger issue is that our buildings are old, getting older and unfortunately haven't been maintained in the way they should be. My dad and I arrived 7 years ago to a camp that was crumbling and while we did our best to update building by building, maintenance should have started 30 years (or more ago). To get this property to where it needs to be, would take millions of dollars and we just don't have the board, the community, the budget or the means to take that on.

My biggest concern has always and will always be making sure that everyone is safe and I think that in the next few years, that will become an issue. We are fine now, but what happens when we face the choice between running an unsafe camp and closing down?

The board and I agree the offer to purchase the property is coming at the right time and we are eager to create a foundation that will send kids to camp. We don't have the details worked out yet, but they have asked me to run it and I think it is a great opportunity to continue working in camping and continue to change lives. It is bittersweet- of course I want to be the one leading the songs and games, hanging out with the kids and planning the programming, but I think I will still have opportunities to be involved in a hands on camp programming in different ways. 

The board didn't want the message to parents and campers to be so final and who knows- maybe there will be a miracle donation of a few million dollars- crazier things have happened at CAMP! It is very bittersweet but it's not all bad.

They have also been clear that if/when we sell, they will wait until after the wedding in October, so no worries with that!

I am super excited for the summer ahead and I feel good about the future even though it is uncertain. Liv, Grif and I moved to camp yesterday and we are enjoying our lives of luxury in our beautiful camper in the woods. 

And then I realized that I should let everyone know that it's not common knowledge and if they visit, not to bring it up with the staff. 

Hey Inner Circle,

A and I had a good conversation today about how to approach the news of camp with our staff. You all know that camp is being sold, but that is not the information that went out to the whole newsletter list and it is not the information we will be sharing with the staff. 

We think the best way to stay excited, motivated, focused on a positive camp experience for kids, as well as keeping the overall staff morale high is to make people aware of the potential (as the email did) and then leave it at that. We are not sharing the information that camp has a buyer- it is likely it will happen, but nothing is set in stone yet and it's not necessary to upset anyone without full details. 

I am telling you all of this because you are the folks who will likely visit camp this summer and I would ask you to refrain from talking with the staff about the situation. In staff training we will address the challenges camp is facing and that the board is having difficult conversations about what to do about the future. And from there we will not be discussing it. More specifically T and the new Program Director W will not be aware of the full details, so please do not ask them about it or bring it up (nor will any of the counselors or other staff, but T and W are the people most likely to talk with guests).

A, M and I have an important job of making this summer phenomenal, keeping everyone focused on the kids, changing lives and working hard. We don't need to dwell on the future or worry about anything dramatic. 

Thanks for your help!! Please come visit us often!!

So now everyone is in the loop and I'm ready to focus on the summer.

Events!

This past weekend was "Work Weekend". For the first time in 3 years, the weather was nice (not snowing, sleeting or down pouring... or all three of those). We had 70 volunteers at camp, remodeling the bathrooms, building low ropes implements, cleaning, raking, cutting fire wood and all kinds of other little projects. It was wonderful to see camp transform from a frozen, empty place, to sunny, welcoming, and filled with noise. Summer is here...

Last weekend was a fundraising event that I planned on a whim. We haven't had a fundraiser event since I've been here but I decided we should probably try one out. One of our most dedicated volunteers suggested I come to his church's trivia night because it would be the perfect fundraiser for camp. Teams of 8 people competed in rounds of trivia (10 questions each on a variety of subjects). Each participant paid $20 to enter. We provided snacks and soda, and the event was BYOB.

We also had a silent auction (another whim, another- "eh, we'll see what happens"). I was very happy with the donations we received and I was amazed that it was easier than I'd expected to collect items.

Both events were successful, super fun, filled with wonderful people who love me and love camp. Few camp families or alumni were involved and it reminded me that we do not have the community of support that we should have for a 67 year old camp. It makes me grateful to my friends, family and friends of camp who are always supportive, but also frustrated that this organization just doesn't have the infrastructure needed to sustain it.