Buddhism

16 years of Catholic school and 7 years running a Catholic camp- this summer I am finally comfortable being honest- I'm not a Catholic. I don't come from a religious family- we went to Catholic schools because they were small community focused classrooms. I got this job because I had a Catholic background, but I accepted the job despite the fact that it was Catholic. I've never really lied- I don't think in 7 years I've ever actually said specifically that I was a practicing Catholic. I am FANTASTIC at vague answers referencing the beauty of the church and wonder of prayer, but I don't think I've ever bold face lied and said, "yep, Catholic, that's me." Sure, the hundred or so tee shirts I own from this camp probably lead one to assume my religious preference and that's definitely been the biggest drawback from this job. I am proud of this camp, but I always worry that people will think I'm Catholic if they find out my job.

I don't have anything against the Catholics necessarily, I just don't share, like, 98% of their beliefs. I'm all for "thou shall not kill" and "thou shall not steal" but pretty much everything else is a little iffy for me.

For many years, I've thought religion just wasn't my thing and that I was just a "nothing" in the religious aspect. I think I believe in God- the world seems a bit too majestic to just chalk it all up to science. But I definitely don't buy that God has a religious preference which has always made it difficult for me to follow a religion that claims to have a monopoly on God.

Religious musings (or my cynicism towards them) could probably be a whole blog in itself. So I won't go into further detail.

Except to say that I recently discovered Buddhism and as my super religious, evangelical staff say, "I'm on fire for it". I've been reading a ton about it and listening to some Buddhism for Beginners ebooks. I feel completely inspired and peaceful and complete. I finally understand (at least to a small degree) what it feels like to be really engaged and committed to a religion. I can imagine going to Buddhist temple every week to hear someone discuss and celebrate the teachings. I can imagine taking my future children to temple and raising them based on this set of beliefs. I can imagine spending time and effort learning more and working harder to live out what I am learning.

Every small thing I learn about it inspires me to want to learn more, to want to be a dedicated follower, to strive to be a more "faithful" person (although I don't think it's called faith in Buddhism). I feel amazing inner peace and greater purpose and my lifelong nearly crippling anxiety responds really well to Buddhist teaching to calm me the F down.

As I face the prospect of leading this camp through a last summer, I can't help but think that this must be similar to loving someone with a terminal illness. I want to make the most of every moment- making sure each minute is filled with joy. And yet, I can't ignore the reality of what is coming and at times it fills me with fear, sadness, and overwhelming dread. It's hard to focus on joy when grief is so palpable. But Buddhism is helping me cope, helping me sort out my thoughts and feelings and make sense of life. I feel strong and stable and generally at peace.

Bring on Catholic summer #7, this time as a Buddhist...