Sick Dog Update

I took Griffin to the vet first thing this morning. I spent all of yesterday bursting into tears every time I looked at or even thought about him. BF came over for a while in the evening and when he left, there were tears in his eyes. The thought of putting this dog to sleep has been killing me.

The vet didn't redo the blood tests from before. Griffin's infected eye has been getting worse and worse and when the vet looked at it, he thought that almost everything wrong with him was going back to the infection and a severely compromised immune system. It's possible he got pneumonia first which compromised the immune system enough to lead to infection, or maybe the other way around.

The vet was wonderful. He was very realistic and a true advocate for me. He suggested I return Griffin to the previous owner because the expense that might be required in this dog would be high. He was looking out for my best interest, but I couldn't help but wonder what would happen to Griffin.

The vet told me that his eye needed to be operated on or he would lose the eye, possibly his life, within the week. Operate or walk out with a very sick dog and bring him back. As I sat on the floor with Griffin, sobbing hysterically, the vet tech (and therapist for today) handed me tissues and helped me talk through it.

I could return him, but I wasn't sure that the former owner had the money or was prepared to deal with all of Griffin's needs. And as I thought about it more, I realized that there is NO way I could just drop him off and never look back. I would always wonder, would agonize. The surgery was $400. I don't have bags of money laying around and certainly don't want to waste that amount of money, but as I sat there, paralyzed, holding my dog, I decided that it was a decent price to pay for my sanity. And yes, he still has other issues and might be a money trap in the long run, but I don't have to make any decisions about that now.

Maybe I will bring him back or find him a new home, or maybe once we get rid of the infection, he will be okay. None of that matters at the moment. I decided to just take it one step at a time. So today he had eye surgery. We'll see what happens after that.

This is a photo from the lobby of the vet's office. They have a life sized white bulldog statute that looks just like Olivia. Griffin went right to it and rested his little chin on top of it's head like he does with Olivia. It was so priceless and heartbreaking at the same time.

Sick Dog

The birthday surprise hasn't been the only thing taking my focus these past few days.

On Sunday, Griffin woke up with both eyes filled with pus. He was weak, not eating or drinking and acting weird (he kept going under the porch to lay down in the dirt). My vet at home is a bulldog specialist but I was so worried about him. I soaked his food in water and fed him one little piece at a time from my hand, which gave him some strength, and with a lot of encouragement from my mom, I decided not to rush out to the emergency vet, but rather, wait until I was home on Monday for the birthday surprise to go to my vet.

Yesterday, before going to BFs house to decorate, I spent 3 hours at the vet. $400 later, the vet was looking overwhelmed and politely agreed when I asked if he was a "train wreck".

1. Respiratory infection. Olivia is a particularly quiet breather for a bulldog so I assumed his wheezing was normal. Nope. He has pneumonia. Also, he has an abnormally small trachea, which means he is essentially breathing out of a straw. Because he has to work so hard to get in air, he is extra susceptible to infection, and, even once this is cleared up, he will continue to fight these for the rest of his life.

2. Infection the eyes. Not sure why this happened, probably a symptom of something worse.

3. Severely lowered red blood cells. From the time they tested him Friday to Monday, they dropped in half. One of three reasons- internal bleeding, severe parasites, cancer of the bone marrow. All three will cost a lot to test for and all three will require extensive treatment.

4. "I don't even want to mention this because in 7 years of being a vet, I've never seen it, but..." He also has all of the symptoms of distemper, which is a virus that has mostly been eradicated because of vaccines, but because he probably wasn't properly vaccinated as a puppy, he could possibly have it. There is no good test for it, but he has every symptom. There is no treatment for it, infected dogs must be put down.

Okay...

The vet was wonderful and helpful and patient and took a lot of time with me and with him. She put him on 3 medications- one for the eyes, one for the pneumonia and an antibiotic and suggested I make an appointment for Wednesday to get him re-tested to see if he's made any improvements.

When we left, he was still weak, not walking, could barely see and just the most pathetic looking thing you've ever seen. Olivia sat on the floor in the backseat with her face next to his the whole ride home.

After much counseling, my mom and brother encouraged me to let my brother take care of him for the night (including the medications and hand feeding) and go and have fun with the BF. I felt sick to my stomach leaving him, but BF is important too and so I didn't tell him about the vet or what was going on. I focused on making sure his night was perfect.

This morning I woke up sick to my stomach and couldn't stop bursting into tears. Originally, when I made the vet appointment for Wednesday, I planned to drive to camp early this morning, spend the day there and then get up at 5am on Wednesday and come back to the city for the appointment. I wasn't sure if I would make Griffin go back and forth, or if I would ask my roommates to watch him. I didn't want to be away from camp for so long.

But I had several errands to run while in town and I am exhausted, overwhelmed and bursting into tears every time I think about him, and so, after sitting on the floor with him, crying and paralyzed with stress, I had a long talk with my best friend X who, in her most gentle/firm/decisive way (she's a teacher, so she has experience dealing with melt downs... which works well for me thank goodness!), told me that I need to just stay at home and camp would be fine.

It's not that I'm so narcissistic to think that camp can't go on without me. It's just that I worry about my staff being overwhelmed, I worry something will happen and I feel like the worst camp director in the world when I let my personal life take priority over camp. But I had a long talk with Program Director S, Assistant PD A, and Nurse J (all on speaker phone) and everything was going really well. I started to worry that rushing back to camp, then back home early morning, then back to camp (9 hours of driving in just over 24 hours) would be stressful and dangerous. I would end up with a speeding ticket, in an accident, or just so stressed out that I would snap at someone or make poor decisions out of exhaustion. They will all be fine without me for 2 days.

So I have spent the day running errands, bursting into tears and sitting on the floor with my dogs. Tomorrow I will decide if I am going to put him to sleep, spend thousands of dollars to diagnose and treat a dog who will, at best, live 8 years, or take home a terminally ill dog and wait for him to die at camp. I'm not sure which of those is the worst, but there is not a "good" option.

Shame on me for not taking him to the vet to get checked out before I got attached to him. Shame on me for not going to a reputable breeder. Shame on me for blindly trusting everyone I meet and not even hesitating to adopt a puppy from a stranger- despite some clearly "sketchy" details.

I have not contacted his former owner. I don't want to hear him accuse me of the puppy being healthy when he had it, because it's just not possibly true and I can't emotionally handle that debate. I don't want to yell at him, it won't make me feel better. I don't want him to ask for the puppy back- I have ZERO intention of bringing my baby boy back to that dirty, smoke-filled house to die. Judging from the condition of his house, I have no hope of getting my money back and it's not worth the stress of the phone call to even attempt. The money wouldn't make me feel better anyway, so I haven't called him and don't plan to.

Olivia pouted when I first brought him home, but now they are inseparable. In just 4 weeks, I have fallen in love with his sweet, goofy, gentle demeanor. He is the most lovable, affectionate dog and I'm distraught. I am hoping for a miracle, that he will be all better when we go to the vet tomorrow, but there's just too many things wrong that can't be fixed, so I'm trying to make him happy right now.

Birthday Surprise

Last summer I only left camp twice- once to bring Olivia home for eye surgery on a weekend (which I had planned months in advance) and once on a weekday when I rushed her home to the vet for an injured paw. I also loaded 14/18 staff into a van and drove them to my house for a city field trip one weekend, but I don't count that as leaving since I brought camp with me.

I miss home and my roommies, family, friends, but leaving camp is really difficult. I worry that something will go wrong or someone will need me and I won't be available. I also hate to miss out on the fun.

But every now and then, something really important comes up in real life that I can't miss out on and I have to leave camp.

My boyfriend has been incredibly understanding and supportive of my life. I don't know if the situation were reversed and he went away for 4 months if I would be as patient as he is. His birthday was yesterday and I knew I had to make it special.

One of my board members has season tickets for the baseball team (of which BF is a HUGE fan!!). The board member offered me tickets months ago and I asked if I could have them for yesterday's game. "No problem" he said!

So for 2 months, I have been planning. I emailed as many of his friends and his parents, as well as his roommate to make sure no one else made plans with him. I arranged with his roommate to be there to let me in so I could decorate and he was also my accomplice in luring BF home from work early.

Yesterday, I left camp in the morning, ran some errands and then arrived at BFs house by 3. I had 20 balloons, which I tied all over his yard and into his house. I had a rhyming poem that I'd made up and hung each section with each bundle of balloons. I also had a big "surprise" sign, an ice cream cake with candles and the tickets.

His roommate called (several times in a row to get him out of the meeting he was in) and said he was sorry but the dishwasher was overflowing and he needed to come right home. I had talked to BF several times about his plans for the day, but I didn't know anyone in his office and so the only fear I had was a last minute birthday happy hour that would prevent him from coming right home. So the "crisis" was a good way of taking care of that.

He was upset about the dishwasher and came home looking frustrated (his roommate and I were peaking out the window), but when he saw the balloons, his face changed to confused. When he saw the cake and candles, he looked even more confused (he told me later he was thinking maybe my roommates had set everything up for me as a surprise). But when I walked out and said, "happy birthday" his face was priceless.

He was so excited and his smile was so wonderful. He was so excited for the game and I was thrilled that the surprise had worked! He changed into his team jersey and we rushed off for the game.

The tickets were in a dugout box, 10th row. The box connected to a private lounge with concessions and bathrooms, so we didn't have to wait in line for anything. The seats were so close we could have talked to the players and it was a perfect, warm night for an outdoor game. The whole night was luxurious and wonderful and perfect!

He was surprised I had left camp, and while I was stressed out about leaving, it was important to me to show him how much he means to me by making the effort to do this. A major part of the success I have had with camp has been the support I receive from my family and friends and so it's important to me that (whenever possible) I show my family and friends (and now BF) that, even during the craziest time of life, they are a priority in my life. Balancing camp and real life continues to be a focus, more so now than ever.

Weekend

The weekend was fantastic! The boyfriend drove up north for a visit and we spent a lot of time relaxing and hanging out. On Saturday, he made reservations at a nice restaurant in a big city an hour away, so we drove there, went to dinner, walked around, stopped at a really awesome candy store, had some drinks, and then we to a comedy club he'd bought tickets for. BF is not usually a plan-ahead kinda guy, so I was really impressed by his effort. Plus, we had a ton of fun!

It was nice to have him visit, but it makes me think a lot about this career long term. Camp Director is a lifestyle. It requires 100% attention. I appreciate and admire 20+ years Directors even more than I did before. I want and have always expected that would be me too, but lately I'm wondering how I will manage to make the balance work. It was easy when I was single and could run off to the woods for 4 months. My roommates took care of my house and I could play all summer long. But dividing my time- attempting to give 100% of myself to camp, while also being a present and attentive girlfriend is really difficult.

There were several times this weekend when we were just relaxing on the couch or eating or sitting around, when groups of my staff knocked on my door needing something. In some cases they were being friendly, some had random questions- my door is open 24 hours a day and they pretty much need me that often. Late on Friday night, several of them knocked and crowded in. They had all been at the ice cream shop in town and the manager had accused one of the male staff (who happens to be black) of sneaking around earlier in the week and swimming in the pond behind the restaurant. The manager demanded to know which camp they were from and told them he would be calling me. All of the staff were outraged and came in to tell me all about the injustice of what they'd just experienced.

The staff in question does not have a car at camp, so the 15 miles from camp to town would have been a long way to walk. Also, with only 18 staff, it's not possible to "sneak out". I listened to their frustration at the blatant racism and absurdity they'd just encountered, calmed them down and eventually got back to the movie BF and I had paused. When you aren't used to crowds of needy 19 year olds, I'm sure it is overwhelming and annoying, so I appreciated his continued patience with how needed I am.

It's difficult to balance spending quality (not to mention super limited) time with him but still be present for the staff that need me. I think I managed to do so, but it's not easy. I love having people visit camp, but at the same time, it's so much easier to just allow myself to be completely, 100% focused on camp and forget about the rest of the world without bothering to balance. My family and friends have been really understanding of that and tolerate my 3 month absences well. A relationship is different and especially a brand new relationship can't exactly withstand that lapse, but I'm finding myself feeling very divided.

Balance aside, it was a sunny, wonderful, full weekend!

Morning...

12:30am- [phone rings, it’s Assistant Program Director A… never a good thing at 12:30]: “galoshes… laundry room… standing in water… not sure what happened.”

I happen to also be the proud owner of galoshes, so I told her I would put them on and be over in a flash. This is the third night I’ve had to deal with something after midnight. What is going on?!?

Because my knowledge of washing machines ends at putting in detergent, I was really just there for triage. We mopped and swept water for about a half an hour. The laundry room is in the basement of a really old house at camp and the floor is very uneven. So getting the water into the drain required quick feet and brooming skills. We did the best we could, turned on a fan and went to bed. My dad can figure out what is wrong today and the Work Crew can do some more clean-up.

5:00am- Vomit EXPLOSION… all over my bed… very sick dog.

I took him outside, pulled everything off my bed and have been sitting with him on the couch ever since. He looks miserable and I’m not sure what is wrong. I have not yet activated his puppy health insurance as I have only had him 4 weeks (the first of which I wasn't sure I was going to keep him and the other three have been 12-15 hour intense days of training and camp). Also, I don't have one moment of free time today between now and about 4pm. I'm not sure how I will manage to squeeze in a trip to the vet. Also, I hate the vet in this tiny town.

Meanwhile, the other puppy is furious that we woke up early, that I am not paying attention to her and after a short fit, finally managed to calm down when I let her sit in between my laptop that I am currently typing on and my chest.

6:00am- The heavens have opened up for the sixth day in a row. Yesterday and Tuesday, the rain was just a few short bursts throughout the day, but all other days this week we have had to completely alter the schedule. Today is parent day and so I am PRAYING that the rain ends soon. Otherwise the day will include wet parents, wet kids, loading luggage in the rain and a closing program crammed into the dining hall, rather than my brand new fancy stage.

Week one has been a little rough... 9 more to go- let's hope it calms down a bit...

Tears Part 4

Nope, not the last of the tears.

This time it was kids though.

8:45pm, the youngest campers are all in the bathroom area, finishing up showers and bedtime stuff. The nurse comes to get me out of the bathroom where I am monitoring the shower line.

"Counselor J has 4 crying kids."

That was 4 out of 7 eight year old girls.

"I might start crying too" she tells me as I walk by, her panicked face is almost comical except that she was serious.

"Okay, I have a very special secret, who would like to come with me and hear it?" I announce.

That got their attention temporarily and I was able to coax all of them outside and off to their cabin. I didn't have a secret or even a vague idea of what I was going to do with them, but we made it to the cabin, which was a good first step.

I spent the next 40 minutes having them color pictures for their parents while I told them stories about my dogs and the pranks from earlier in the day (even at 8 years old, girls love a little gossip!). I told them the secret was that I had the power to give out very special surprises when there was a particularly brave cabin. If they made it through the night, the same exact time tomorrow, I would come to their cabin with a FABULOUS surprise.

After I had distracted them long enough that they weren't crying, I read them a bedtime story and then tiptoed out of their cabin. I'm not 100% sure they didn't all burst into tears when I left, but I think many of them were asleep, so I'm hoping for the best.

Now I have less than 24 hours to figure out the fabulous surprise. I'm sure I can come up with something.

Tears- Parts 3

Counselor M and her girls went to pull a prank on the boy's cabin. Pranks at camp are BIG. All pranks have to be Director approved, which prevents damage to property, emotions and general mayhem. Pranks are good clean fun. But sometimes they go awry, as it did today.

The boys discovered the girls decorating their cabin with girly hearts and fabric and started yelling and pounding the windows. That's all pretty tame, but the emergency window got knocked out (they aren't glass, so it wasn't a big deal) and there was a lot of screaming. Counselor M was in the middle of the action when it avalanched out of her control and I think it overwhelmed her. On the way back to main camp, the heavens opened up and by the time they made it to the building we were all doing activities in, M was soaked and miserable.

"Can I talk to you?" she asked?

We went to another room and she BURST into tears. M had been on the overnight the night before and was overly tired, feeling bad that the prank had gotten out of control and being wet was the final straw. I managed to calm her down, find her some dry clothes and give her 10 minutes alone to take some deep breaths and re-compose herself.

I told them the first week was overwhelming. A few tears are to be expected, but hopefully these are the last for a while...

Big Bad Director

Apparently I am a very intimidating and terrifying person. I never yell, laugh a lot and spend a lot of time encouraging people, so I'm not sure where I got this reputation.

On the camping trip, one of the tents of boys refused to go to sleep, wouldn't listen to the counselor and so his threat had been, "when we get back you are going to talk to Director".

After lunch, I lead the boys (hanging heads, slumped shoulders, miserable looking) down to the office and said, "do you know why you are here?"

We ended up talking for a full hour about the whole week. They are good boys who were feeling frustrated, not listened to and powerless (similar feelings that their counselor was feeling). We talked a lot about communication, listening, respect and working together as a team.

Near the end of the conversation, I asked, "is there anything else we need to talk about?"

"What is our punishment?" they asked.

I explained that they didn't have a punishment because my goal had been to solve the problem with them, not beat them up over their mistakes.

Later, Program Director S told me, "well, you made quite the impression on those boys." Apparently they had a long discussion about how cool I actually am and that I wasn't scary, didn't yell at them and listened to them. I'm not sure what they'd expected, but I'm glad I could surprise them and win them over.

Lightning

When my phone rings at 2am, it's never good. It's especially bad when we have a group of campers on the overnight adventure (on a separate piece of property about 20 miles away and deep in the forest).

Assistant Program Director A had gone along on this adventure to help the new staff. It was her on the phone.

"Counselor K walkie talkie-d me from the boys campsite and he sees lightning and thinks we need to evacuate."

Um...

I jump out of bed and do some frantic googling about lightning and camping. They couldn't hear thunder and with no sounds, I couldn't calcualte how far away it was from them, but I guessed that meant it was really far.

I definitely didn't want to leave them out and risk anyone beng struck, but I also wasn't thrilled with the idea of bringing them back to camp. Here's why- between the boy's site and girls, there were 18 kids (12-14 years old) all of whom we already asleep at 2am. The camp sites are a mile hike in throug the thick forest. It is hilly and uneven, muddy and even in the daylight is tough walking. The idea of waking them up, telling them to grab their sleeping bags (because we don't really have spare bedding for 18 people) and then marching them through the pitch black seemed like a really bad idea. It would be terrifying, dangerous walking and if someone got separated, it would be terrible.

If any of my staff or kids were in danger, I wouldn't hesitate to turn mother bear and go out and hunt them down in the forest and shield them from danger. But the weather radar showed clear skies and I decided that taking them out of the campsite was a bigger risk. Even if it ended up raining on them, it would be better than a long dark walk at 2 am. So I told them to stay put and go to sleep.

This morning when I woke up, I was relieved to see that it hadn't rained. I picked up a rested (well, not counselor K, but the kids at least) group that was safe, dry and I was thankful I had made a good choice.

Trespassers!

On Sunday night, someone knocked on the door of our oldest girls' cabin. They thought it was the boys, but Monday morning, we discovered that they had been in their cabin and it wasn't likely that it was anyone at camp. Hmmmm....

The lead staff and the counselors whose cabin it was and I all spoke about it and let us know if it happened again. My dad told all of us he wanted to know immediately if anyone heard anything.

11:30pm last night I hear my name over the walkie talkie. "Are you awake?"

Of course... I am always awake at 11:30 because that is when things happen.

The knockers had returned. They pounded on the door, made a yelling noise and then ran into the woods.

I knocked on my dad's bedroom door and whispered, "they knocked on the cabin."

CRASH$^*#*^$^%#BOOM$%#&&^$)%(%&%_!~~~POW!!!#%^&*()*&^%$#

Judging by the noise, I guessed he maybe back flipped or somersaulted out of bed.

A stream of four letter words and threats of death poured out of his mouth as we headed down the pitch black road, flashlights in hand. I gently reminded him that we represented camp and so we could probably solve this less violently than he was describing.

11:45pm, walking down the dark road on a mission to find some trouble makers... typical day at the office, I guess.

We didn't find the assailants, but we did find a nearby cabin with a golf cart in the riveway that matched the description of the one the staff thought they saw on Sunday night.

This morning we went back to the cabin and my dad sat quietly, flexing his muscles and making mean faces as I politely introduced myself to the gentleman who answered the door. I explained that we'd had some trouble the past two nights and didn't want to accuse anyone, but had seen a golf cart like theirs and if we continued to have trespassing incidents, we would be calling the authorities. He let me know that he had 3 teenage boys who'd been out and he didn't know if it was them, but he'd send them by later. I thanked him and left.

About 15 minutes later, three miserable looking boys stood on my porch, heads hanging, shoulders slumped.

"Are you the visitors from last night?" I asked with a smile.

They were and they apologized. I told them we wanted to be friends with our neighbors and they could come by as long as it wasn't after dark. They thanked me for being so cool about it and not pressing charges (apparently they overheard my conversation with their father). I thanked them for coming by.

Hopefully that's the end of late night nonsense for the rest of the summer.

Tears- part 2

Okay, this was a "near tears" incident later in the day, but male staff hold out a little more because 19 and 20 year old guys will do almost anything to avoid crying in front of their 28 year old female boss.

I was in my house, battling my computer when Counselor K walked in. In training, he proved to be one of the strongest, best of my new staff, so when I had to choose one staff to be in a cabin alone this week, I chose him.

He walked in with tears in his eyes, taking a lot of deep breaths, shoulders slumped, and when I said, "how's it going" he just shrugged (a good sign that speaking is going to lead to voice breaking). I offered him a girl scout cookie and had him sit (collapse/deflate would be a more accurate description actually).

This week he has the oldest boys. 7th-9th grade males can be difficult to engage in silly songs and cabin spirit, and while they are actually enjoying themselves, admiring their counselor and trying to emulate him, what is coming out of their mouth is usually kind of sassy and disrespectful.

We talked for a while and there didn't seem to be any major disasters going on, mostly just teen attitude combined with an exhausted, overwhelmed, new counselor. I gave him several suggestions, several phrases that he could use in a discussion I suggested he have with them and by the end, he seemed calmer and less on the verge of tears.

I decided to make it "backwards night" and the older kids went to the showers and went to bed first, giving his group some extra time to talk, and maybe even get to bed a little earlier. I also pulled aside the ringleader of his boys to have a chat.

"On a scale of 1 to 10- 10 being an angel and 1 being a demon spawn, how would you say you have been this week?" I asked.

"Um, like a 5?"

"So by 5, you probably really mean like 3?" I asked.

"Maybeee...."

"And what number do you think you have the potential to be?" I asked?

"11." He said it so earnestly, I believed him (he really is a good kid).

"Okay, well, I need you to be Counselor K's assistant and help him out. You are a natural leader and the others boys will follow you. But leaders can lead positively or negatively and followers will go either way. So you need to start being more of an 11 and less of a 3."

"Can I just be a leader, do I have to be an 'assistant'" he asked.

"'Assistant' is nerdy? [yes]. Okay, definitely not assistant than. Just be unofficially the leader and stay cool but work with me here, okay?"

I've known this kid for a few years and he is a really great kid, and I felt like we were connecting as we were talking. So I am hoping I can guide him in the right direction and use his power to help make Counselor K's job a little easier. We'll see how it goes...

Tears- Part 1

They can't say I didn't warn them they would cry...

During training, I tell staff that there will come a time during the summer that they will cry. I don't do that to scare them, but to let them know it is normal, to come find me and let me help so that they can get through it smoothly. This is an exhausting job. They are with kids 22 hours a day. And kids can be frustrating, annoying, difficult and even when they are being perfect, they are needy and require absolute focus. Add to that being away from home, family, friends and real life for 3 months and you have an intense experience that nothing else compares. It also makes for amazing growth, learning and life changing development, which is great, but no one ever said that was easy!

First tears of the summer- Monday, 1:37pm.

I went to the beach to help ease some of the chaos of the first day (all campers need to be swim tested and it can get a little hectic). I had been with them for approximately 3 minutes, I counted them, put them into buddy pairs and asked how many kids were on the list. 21. Hmmmm. I counted 20 kids. Why are those numbers different?

When I asked Counselor J that question, she stared at me with a look of terror and confusion and said, "I don't know."

Wrong answer.

I asked her and counselor E if they had stopped at the entrance to the beach road to count the kids and take attendance.

Nope.

So we don't really know if we have 20 or 21.

Okkkk...

I was being very nice, patient, calm. I knew that no one was dead in the water or anything awful, but I wanted to figure out why we were "missing" a kid. I took the clipboard and started asking each child his or her name and checking them off. When I turned around midway through, Counselor J was sobbing hysterically.

"Go around the corner and compose yourself." I said (still calm, still nice, a little shocked at her reaction, but knowing her even just 9 days, not really surprised).

After figuring out there was a typo and one kid was on the list twice, I went to deal with the crier (I don't really deal with tears super well...).

"Ok [soothing voice]. Are you okay?" (Judging by her face, you would think I had beat her regularly. Since when am I scary?!?)

"I was just so terrified someone was hurt and I don't want you to think I'm terrible at my job and I am so sorry and I just don't want you to be mad...." Begging for her life is the best way to describe her.

"Whoa. Calm down. First of all, we knew no one was in the water yet. I'm glad you took the emergency procedures and importance of safety part of training so seriously, but it was just a typo, so no need to panic. Second, if it was an emergency, remember, we have to stay calm and just be logical. Today is the first day, you are doing well. Don't worry. We just have to remember to count and match names to faces. You are doing fine [still soothing], I'm not mad, I don't get mad very often. I'm not so scary you need to panic."

I didn't roll my eyes at the nonsense that was that WHOLE situation until I was far far away. But seriously?!?!

Today Can Suck It

Ordinarily, while I play and laugh and frolic through the woods with campers, soaking in the sun and loving life, I think of my poor friends and family whose jobs are nothing compared to my personal paradise.

And then there are days like today. Today can suck it. That's really the most articulate way to sum it up.

Yesterday was the first day of camp. The bus was late in leaving and by the time it finally arrived, we were an hour behind schedule. I do NOT like to wait. Patience is not really my best quality. And I have felt behind and frantic since they arrived. Deep breaths and soothing pauses are not helping me find inner peace and balance, so I've just been running around like a crazy person for the last 24 hours.

The first day is always a little crazy. The kids don't know what is going on the first two days so it always takes a little while to get them acclimated. And the first week is always terrible because the staff are like baby horses learning to walk. They seem to understand the concepts we spend 9 days training them on, but actually putting them into practice is a little wobbly.

As I have done each summer, I have improved the schedule, but I am not yet used to the changes, so I am feeling a little out of sorts as well. Consequently, the sign-ups for the individual camper activities did not go as smoothly as usual, so I was working until late last night and frantically finishing them this morning. 10:52am I printed and photo copied them, 10:55am campers and staff gathered at the flag to divide into the activities. A little closer than I usually wait.

It was a moot point though, because right at that moment, the heavens opened up and I was concerned there would be a need for an Ark the way the rain was pouring down. Ugh.

These things wouldn't be so terrible except that I am currently experiencing a variety of technological problems that are making me so frustrated, I want to scream. My computer got a virus about a month ago and has just gotten worse and worse no matter what I download to fix it. I have to keep restarting and so answering the barrage of emails, updating the camp blog and photos, as well as emailing my boyfriend and checking facebook are not possible. The inability to do those things is making me anxious and crazy. I also can't get wireless internet connection in the office, even though everyone else can, so I have to carry my computer back and forth from there to my house (in the rain and in between restarting it). Oh, and for some reason my brand new, military grade, $300 walkie talkie isn't working after 2 days.

Is it the weekend yet?

Dogs and Frogs

11:30pm, last night. After a very long, exhausting first day of camp, I let the dogs out one last time before I could fall into bed. After a few minutes of hanging out and not going potty like mommy wanted, I went outside to drag them in.

As I walked outside, I must have spooked a very large (like the size of my fist) toad. When Olivia saw it, she became a wild animal hunter and attempted to go after it. Just as I grabbed her, shouting, "no!" Griffin pounced and had the entire thing in his mouth. The thought of one of my babies eating a giant toad is gross and awful, but I also remembered something about toads possibly being poisonous, so of course I was frantically trying to get it away from him. However, after less than 10 seconds of having it in his mouth, Griffin spit it out and started foaming at the mouth.

Panicked, I ran inside to do a quick google and, yes, some toads are poisonous, some just have really bitter skin to deter predators. Without actually seeing it, I didn't know which we were dealing with, so I dragged Griffin over to the hose and started flushing his mouth out like the website had said to do.

Standing in the dark, yelling at Olivia to stop looking for the toad, yelling at Griffin to let me spray out his mouth, soaking wet, muddy, frantic, with two wet muddy dogs... a perfect end to the day...

(epilogue- Griffin is fine, so I don't think it was the poison kind)

And Away We Go...

Training ended yesterday afternoon.

The Lead Staff and I have given them as much as we can and now it will be up to them to put it all together and make it through the first week.

Staff training was thorough, very hands on and covered a lot of ground. I don't brag often, but I can't deny- I know how to put together a top notch staff training. That said, there's only so much we can do to prepare them- some of it just has to be experienced first hand. It makes the first week a little bumpy for some, but overall, I am sure that they will all be fine and fall into the rhythm of camp.

I am nervous for campers to arrive. It's not a new feeling and I know that as soon as they've arrived and are circled up on the field for introductions, I will go back to being calm and enjoying myself. Until then, the magnitude of being responsible for little lives (and older ones too), for the reputation of the camp, for staff development, for my own future career... it will fill me with anxiety and make me wonder why I don't have a comfortable office job where I could take breaks at a water cooler, punch out at the end of the day and never have to worry about water safety, fire safety, emotional well being or the personal development of the 90 or so 7-22 year olds for whom I am responsible.

Until then... I plan to relax, eat more candy than I should, possibly go for a run, but mostly just sit and do nothing while I still can.

YES!!

Prior to fleeing our campsite last night, as we sat around the fire, I asked the staff, "so, 5 days in, is this what you expected?"

Several people talked about how they had been nervous about meeting everyone, if they would fit in, feel welcome, be able to learn all the activities. Some talked about being nervous about what camp facilities would be like, the food, the showers, etc.

I'm their boss, and they are all still a bit nervous and not entirely comfortable with me yet, so no one said anything negative. They all said they were enjoying themselves so far and they were excited for the summer ahead.

And then one of the counselors shared one of the best comments I've heard in a long time- the kind of comment that makes every exhausting day, every bit of hard work worth the effort. A comment that gives meaning to my job and meaning to the dedication I have for this camp.

"I am surprised at how I would react to things you have asked us to do. I didn't realize it would be so easy to try new things. I didn't know what a positive and encouraging environment it would be and how being here makes you feel like you can do anything."

YES.

That. That is the magic of camp.

It is the reason camp is different than other youth programs, school, home. Camp is more than just activities or a place to send kids to keep them occupied for a week.

Camp magic is an energy that is created by combining kindness, enthusiasm, creativity, positive attitude and fun. That energy surrounds the campers (and staff too) filling them with courage, self confidence and excitement. It gives them the power to let go of their inhibitions, to overcome intimidation, and to believe in themselves.

My staff are experiencing that power first hand and I can literally see them blossoming in front of me. It is a beautiful and amazing thing to witness.

Tornado Warning

I am supposed to be asleep in a tent right now. Instead, I am cuddled on the couch in my living room.

Tonight was the staff overnight camping trip. Our oldest campers go on an overnight adventure, so it is necessary to take the staff out to the site, practice setting up tents, cooking over the fire and experiencing what they will do with the kids. Many were excited, a few were nervous, one had never been in a tent, and I was mostly dreading it. I don't mind camping- in fact, when the weather is right, it's really fun. But sleeping on the ground, sharing a tent with two dogs and ending a busy, exhausting week with a night of mediocre sleep was just not at the top of my list of desirable ways to spend the night.

However, once we got packed, loaded into the vans, arrived at the site, made the mile hike in and everyone (including the two dogs) was settled in, I was really enjoying myself. The weather was warm, but also really windy, which was great for keeping the bugs away. I was comfortable in shorts and a tee shirt. We got tents set up, a fire started and a big pile of firewood collected in record time. Dinner was great and everyone was enjoying themselves.

And then it got dark. Not because it was the night and the sun went down, it was only 7pm ish when the clouds came. With the darkness came rumbling thunder. I was trying to have a positive attitude- "it's not going to rain! Don't worry!"

It was pretty clearly going to rain, but I was trying to be tough, outdoorsy, camp director-ish. I didn't want to tell everyone to pack up and leave because of a few raindrops. And so we continued to ignore the thunder and clouds and pretend the weather was perfect.

At 8pm, I got a text message from my boyfriend, followed by a phone call from my mother- both letting me know the entire state was under a tornado warning. As I stood off in the distance, talking on the phone, I was watching my staff. They have been following me and doing everything I have said without hesitation or question all week. "Tip your canoe into freezing water" check. "Act silly and ridiculous in front of everyone" check. "Head out into the woods despite storm predictions" check. "Sing songs, hang out and ignore obvious signs of severe weather" check.

I don't think of myself as powerful and 90% of the time I am doing my job, it all comes naturally, staff and kids do what they are supposed to and there's no thinking involved. But every now and then, the enormity of just how much responsibility I have hits and it terrifies me. And so as I looked over at my staff, a group of people who have put their trust in me that I will lead them wisely, I knew that packing up and leaving the camping trip early wasn't about me not wanting to get wet or sleep on the ground, but because there was potential danger ahead. We've been talking all week about how safety comes first, so it was time to put that into practice.

I got off the phone and told them that they didn't need to panic, but there was a tornado warning and we needed to pack up and leave quickly. The weather didn't bring an actual tornado, but the whirlwind of tearing down and packing up tents and gear was quite a sight to see! 5 minutes- that is not an exaggeration and everything was packed and we were on our way out of the woods. I think everyone agreed that if we weren't staying to tough it out against the rain, then we wanted to avoid getting wet altogether- which meant we had to work fast to beat the approaching clouds.

Just as we threw the last pack in the van, the rain began and continued as we drove back to camp. I was happy to be warm and dry inside a van. Persevering in tough situations is honorable, but there is no reason to end the exhausting week and head into an even more intense week ahead with a wet, tired, crabby group.

Tonight will not just be peaceful because I am in a bed, out of the elements, but also because I made the right decision for my group.

Bitten, Bruised, Soaking Wet

me-"so, does anyone have any questions?"

counselor- "this is unrelated to what we are doing, but I was just wondering, does the sun ever come out at camp?!"

It has rained every day since the staff arrived. The hot, sunny weather of May was a tease- rainy, wet camp is back. I am sick of being inside, modifying activities, having wet feet, wet hair, wet clothes, wet dogs. And it's only Wednesday...

This afternoon, we tipped canoes, which is a necessary emergency procedure, and actually really fun when the weather is nice. It wasn't raining when we were on the lake, but the water was freezing. I was not looking forward to going in, but luckily Program Director S and I have tipped and un-tipped many times before and so our demonstration went very quickly.

Getting back into a canoe once you've gone into the lake isn't a graceful act. You have to push yourself up with your arms, swing your legs onto the side of the canoe and then throw your body inside. Because of that, the majority of the staff (myself included) have bruises on our arms and legs. I have a pretty good sized bruise on the inside of my upper thigh (such an unfortunate place to bruise) as well as on the back of my forearm.

Soaking wet, bruised, and my legs look like I have the chicken pox. Yes, I have bed bugs. Not fleas, lice, chiggers, spider bites... I know- I've been doing some googling. My mattress is pretty new and I wash my sheets every week, so I am more than a little crabby about the situation. I ordered some spray to kill them, but until then, my plan is to flip the mattress over and hope the bed bugs travel slower than Fed Ex.

Overall training is going well! The staff are working hard, being creative, energetic and I'm excited about the group. Hopefully we will have a chance to dry out and heal up before campers arrive.

Staff Training- Day 1

Four LONG days of lifeguard training, followed by another loooonnnnngggg day of CPR/First Aid training with the rest of the staff and I was drained. Staff training is my favorite week of the year, but I went into it this year feeling exhausted and a little nervous.

Staff training is eight days, 12 hours per day, filled with nonstop activity. It is the time to teach staff everything they will need to know from how to lead activities to emergency procedures to helping a kid cope with homesickness. And as if that wasn't important enough, it is also the chance for me to take 18 strangers and turn them into best friends, teammates, a family, a cohesive unit that will live, play and work together 24/7 for the next 3 months.

I have started staff training the same way for the past several years- singing songs and playing silly name games. It is the way we begin the week with the kids as well. It is the perfect way to break the ice, get comfortable with each other and let loose.

When I woke up this morning, I was still feeling exhausted, not fully prepared and actually kind of dreading the day ahead of me. We all gathered together in a circle and I gave the same speech as always- "if you don't sing and dance with the group, I will make you do it on your own..." and then I began, "THIS IS A REPEAT AFTER ME SONG!!!!!! THERE WAS A GREAT BIG MOOSE..."

And with those words, my exhaustion faded, my face lit up with a smile and I officially began my 11th summer of camp. It's good to be back!

Responsibilities

It has been a WHIRLWIND of people and activity and I'm exhausted. Training hasn't even officially begun.

Today there were so many things going on and as I took it all in, I realized that I was responsible for all of it.

The chain gang was back, busy with clearing brush, creating and hauling wood chips and making camp look less like a jungle. I am grateful and excited every time I see them. I am so happy we got involved with them because we have made SO much progress.

A and S were working on a variety of projects- painting, organizing and beautifying camp.

The boys were busy cleaning and hauling things around camp. A and S were watching over them and keeping them busy with a list I'd created.

My dad was busy with several projects that need to be done before camp, as well as cutting the grass and keeping all of the staff supplied with painting supplies and other tools.

While all of that was going on, I was with the other boys training them to be lifeguards. I am very happy with the fact that I can train my own staff and not have to worry about budgeting or scheduling trainings with the Red Cross, but to be tied up all day for the four days before training begins when so much activity is going on around me is sort of stressful.

More than anything though, it's really exciting to see so much progress happening every day. I am excited and proud to be part of it and gladly accept the responsibility that comes along with it.

Terrifying

Bulldogs don't swim.


Bulldogs are too dense and they will sink like a rock.

Before I adopted Olivia, I read all the books and read that fact, several breeders reminded me of that fact, and one time last summer, Olivia went a little too far into the water and while her head didn't go under, I definitely had to grab her and haul her closer to shore.

Olivia loves the water and goes to the swimming beach all the time. However, she seems to have a good sense of the fact that she can't swim and she is very cautious. I rarely worry about her when it comes to the water.

Griffin is new to camp and so I have been keeping a close eye on him. He stays close to me all the time, so I'm no longer concerned he will run away or get lost. We've been to the beach a few times and he seemed to like the water but was also being fairly cautious.

Until today...


I took the lifeguard students to the beach to practice some skills. Griffin came with us. Counselor N jumped off the end of the dock and, to my absolute SHOCK, Griffin jumped right in after him. The water at the end of the dock is about 4 feet- not super deep but certainly higher than a little bulldog.


Bulldogs sink.


Bulldogs (or at least this bulldog) don't attempt to dog paddle and don't float at all. They just sink to the bottom of the lake, eyes wide in terror as they hit the bottom. I screamed in horror for N to grab him, which he did quickly- his first save and he's not even an official lifeguard yet.

I don't think Griffin took in any water because he didn't cough or struggle when N put him on the dock. He looked scared and I was TRAUMATIZED as I imagined him sinking. I hope this means he will be more cautious in the future.

Youth Development

A week ago, a high school freshmen girl in one of the YMCA programs I volunteer with committed suicide. She had been in the program 2 years- I didn't know her well, but of the 110 participants (not all of whom I know by name), I knew her, have known her older brother for 4 years and when I heard she had died, I was surprised and sad.

When I found out she had killed herself, I was shocked. She was a strong leader in the group, bright, beautiful, and one of those kids who was clearly going places. At 15, she appeared to have it all.

As details came out, it turns out her mother has been in a coma for almost a year, her sister ran away from home, and she was feeling a lot of pressure to step in and take care of the house, her family, etc. The more I have heard, the more I haven't been able to stop thinking about how heartbreaking this whole situation is. Any time a kid dies, especially suicide, it is tragic and painful to hear. I'm sad, but more than that, I'm frustrated.

A week after she died, I joined the memorial group for her on facebook. Over 1000 people had already joined. How is it that a kid can feel so alone, helpless, desperate and sad that she takes her own life and less than a week later 1000 people, some close friends, some strangers, come together to express their love for her and their grief over her loss? Where was everyone a week ago?!? How is it possible that many people care and yet, she felt like she was totally alone? And how many other kids are out there who are just like her? How many kids feel like they want to die while being completely unaware of 1000 people around them??

But I am one of those 1000 people who is a week too late in expressing my care. And while of course I would have helped if I had known, the reality is, as someone who was not part of her daily life, who wasn't close to her or her family, there's not much that I could have done in this situation. And yet, that is what has been on my mind the most.

I work with literally hundreds kids in a variety of youth development programs. I have close relationships with some, but with the majority of them, I play the same role in their lives that I did with this kid. I'm an adult that cares, that is willing to help, that works in youth development specifically because I want to be a resource to kids. And yet, I'm really just a face in the crowd. 1 of 1000 people who exist somewhere in the background of their lives.

I'm an idealist, an optimist, someone who believes in hope and the possibility of making a difference. And yet, I am realistic enough to know that of the vast number of kids I work with, most of them won't be personally affected by me. I'm fine with that, but I can't stop wondering if there is something I could do or say that would stick in their minds enough to prevent this situation from happening. Of 1000 people, some of us need to stand out in a way that isn't a week too late. I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm going to keep thinking about it. 15 year olds shouldn't be dying for no reason.

City Kids in the Woods

This was an actual conversation that went on between two of my staff.

Setting- Assistant Program Director A driving four of our new counselors into town, early evening. The four counselors arrived from California on Tuesday.

A- Hey guys, help me watch out for deer that might run out on this road. This is the time of day they are out and about.

Counselor B- If you have to watch out for deer, don't you also have to watch out for tigers.

A- WHAT?

B- Any time I've ever seen deer running, it's always because they are being chased by a tiger.

A- WHAT? Like on National Geographic? Do you mean antelope? And are you talking about in Africa??!?!

B- I don't know.

A- We don't have any tigers here! We're in the north woods.

Counselor J to B- Wait, is that why you were afraid to walk to the cabin alone yesterday?!?!

So we aren't going to have Counselor B teaching nature any time this summer...

The Chain Gang

Recently someone I know offhandedly mentioned that I should get in contact with the county office that is in charge of community service because they could send some people out to camp to work off their debt to society.

The coordinator came out 2 weeks ago to meet with me and see our site. He added us to the list but wasn't sure they would be able to make it out to camp before the beginning of our season. I said that was fine, I would be happy with having some help in the fall too. I was just excited by the prospect of having a group out to work.

The very next day, he arrived with a group and said, "we only have a few hours but we thought we could do some work." Awesome! They were at camp for three hours but cleared an immense amount of brush and wood off of the paths and around the cabins. A few days later, they were back again, this time with an industrial wood chipper and more guys. They worked hard and by the end of the day, I couldn't believe my eyes!

Today the chain gang was back! They had brush saws and worked all day clearing, spreading wood chips and making camp look beautiful. At the end of the day, my dad and I walked around camp and I nearly burst into tears.

Three years ago, I walked around this camp, also in tears, taking in piles and piles of garbage, broken appliances, years of neglect, not to mention the overgrown jungle of trees. I believed that with enough hard work, the camp could be beautiful and since that time, I have remained optimistic and dedicated, committed to the vision of a well cared for camp. But there have been moments of doubt and feelings of discouragement because sometimes it seems that no amount of hard work is enough to make noticeable progress.

In the last few weeks, every time I walk around camp, I am in awe of how different it looks. We have made tremendous progress and I am eager for returning campers, staff, volunteers and parents to see the changes. There is still more to do, there will always be more to do, but I feel so proud and so happy when I look around. The desire for this feeling is what kept me motivated through so many struggles. I knew it would be a wonderful experience and I am eager to continue our momentum and see just how far we can take this camp.

It wasn't just the chain gang who made this possible (although my dad and I agree that beers are on us and, hey, feel free to drive home, we'll see you next season...). Many people have contributed to the success we are seeing. Generous financial support, volunteers and friends of camp- many who have been around much longer than me make this place possible. For me personally, nearly every person in my life has been part of this camp in some way or another- some people who have come to camp and physically cleaned, organized, helped build. Some who have mentored me, offering advice, suggestions, and giving me guidance that I desperately needed. Some who have donated- money, wish list items, and many many who have supported me from a distance, offering words of encouragement, care packages, fun mail, treats and more than anything, strength to persevere.

Camp has brought me to my knees in frustration, exhaustion and utter madness more than once (and I know those moments will come again). But as I look at where we are right now, it all feels worth it.