Re-Adjusting

On Sunday night, I arrived home in time for dinner with my boyfriend. He had flowers on the table and my favorite pizza on the way. I gorged myself on delicious food and red wine, unloaded everything out of the car, and was passed out by 9:30pm. I slept until 9:30am the next day, and when I woke up, I felt like I'd been in a coma, but also refreshed and energized.

On Monday, I spent the day unpacking, organizing, cleaning, went to Whole Foods, planned a week's worth of gluten free meals, made a healthy dinner and once again, passed out by 9:30. On Tuesday, I had a long list of plans, made a huge mess when I decided to re-organize all of the closets in the house and then exhaustion hit and I spent about 2 hours on the couch in my new camp snuggie. The end of summer exhaustion snuck up on me and I am trying to give myself time to relax, despite having several projects I want to complete.

Yesterday, I was up at 7:30, at my office by 8:30 and downtown to meet with the board president by 9:30. I ran a few errands afterwards, made a little progress with the closet organization situation, cooked an elaborate dinner, and then the BF and I met up with A and M for a semi-double date.

And then last night, I hit the post-camp wall that always inevitably hits. The BF moved in a year ago and we have been trying to combine two houses worth of stuff, re-arrange, re-organize and re-decorate for a year. Every single room in the house has a long list of projects that I want to do to make it "right" and I am overwhelmed. It has been like this for a year and so I'm not sure why I decided to be hysterical about it last night, but I was beside myself.

My response was to yell at my BF for not caring about the projects that are upsetting me. Then I burst into irrational, hysterical tears. BF never really knows what to do when I get like that, and inevitably he does something that I interpret as him not caring, which lead to more tears. And then I started thinking about my dad. I watched the memorial video from his funeral and cried until my eyes swelled shut. I thought about all of the things he did to help me with this house and irrationally thought, "if he was still alive, my house would be in order because HE would help me" and then I cried some more.

Feeling more rested and much saner than last night, I know I was being irrational and emotional and I wish there was an "off" switch that would shut my brain off and put me immediately to sleep for times when I get overly tired and upset. We have a lot of projects to do around the house and BF is not as excited about them as I want him to be. I vented to my bestie this morning and she argued that I shouldn't blame him- she wouldn't be excited about a million cleaning/organizing projects either, so I probably should cut him some slack. I argued that I don't need him to be excited, but I need him to care because it matters to me. She told me I probably needed to be a little more patient (with myself and with my poor BF).

I know that the bigger issue is not the to do list or anything my BF has done or hasn't done. Going from camp life to home life is always tough.

And here's why:

At camp, I control every single aspect of life. If I want a project done, I just have to point at it and assign a staff member to do it. Not only that, between Assistant Director A and Property Manager T and all of my wonderful, helpful, hard working, willing staff, I am surrounded by "yes" people. On a daily basis, I hear, "whatever you want, we'll make it work" MULTIPLE times, by multiple people. My staff respect and like me, they are comfortable giving me feedback or suggestions, but ultimately, I am in charge.

It's not like that at home. And it shouldn't be. I have a wonderful BF and amazing family who I love and I am glad they are different than my staff. But they have their own lives, own opinions, own priorities, own schedules and I have to re-adjust to fitting into the world around me, rather than being in charge of everything. And that causes me some anxiety.

My BF also has to re-adjust. He loves me and missed me while I was gone, but there are some positive aspects to the single life. His schedule was completely flexible all summer. He went to happy hour with friends whenever and as often as he wanted. He could make any plans and do anything he wanted. So going back to coordinating his schedule with mine, being home for dinner, and having someone take up so much of his time is also an adjustment.

I've only been home for 4 days, and tomorrow I am leaving again, so I know I should be more patient with myself and with him. I am happy to be home. And I am more thankful than I can possibly put into words for an amazing BF who I love and adore, a beautiful home, a neighborhood I love, a WONDERFUL life. I know it will take some time and some patience, but it is a privilege to have so much to be thankful for.