I Hate Nature

**Warning- this is a really sad post, stop reading if you don't want to be heartbroken**

In May, there was a crow on the ground by my house and he wasn't flying away. I have a VERY soft spot for animals and I don't like to see anything injured, so I yelled for Property Manager T to come over and please please do something. 

'T' is a tough, "guys guy" who also has a soft spot, so he picked up the crow, tucked him into his shirt and brought him home (he lives down the road from camp). For weeks, he fed it by hand and nursed it back to health (he came to work more than once with scratches on his hands and even on his cheek). When the crow was better, he let him go. Except, by that time, the crow had decided 'T' was his mom and he didn't want to go back into the wild. 

Each day that 'T' drove to work, the crow would follow him. He learned to land on the handlebars of 'T''s 4 wheeler (while T was driving!). He followed 'T' everywhere, landing on his shoulder. I said, "you should name him!" to which 'T' replied completely matter-of-factly, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "his name is Joe".

Joe the Crow.

As the weeks went on Joe got domesticated and he became more and more of a part of camp. He flew around camp, hanging out with the kids. He landed on the drinking fountain and would wait for us to turn it on so he could sip water. The kids and staff fed him snacks from the camp store, bread or worms from fishing. Eventually he was so comfortable, he would eat out of our hands.

He started sitting on the deck of the dining hall and waiting for 'T' at meals. Sometimes he would sit on the roof and peck at the skylights. 'T' or I or one of the staff would bring him pieces of whatever we were eating for dinner and he would eat while we did.

He started hanging out at activities, landing on the kids' heads or stealing the show from whichever of us was trying to lead an activity. At the campfire on Sunday, Joe landed on Abby's head, and was clearly showing off as I tried so shoo him away so the kids would listen to me as I talked at the campfire.

Each week, Joe had more and more personality. When Program Director K and I were cleaning up an activity, Joe grabbed the end of the rope K was rolling up and the two of them ended up playing tug o war. Later, we saw that he'd picked up a piece of balloon and both of us freaked out and tried to take it from him so he wouldn't choke. He didn't fly away like he could have- he hopped, we chased him, he hopped, we yelled. He was clearly teasing us. He knew what he was doing.

I fell in love with that bird. I know it sounds crazy, because he was just a bird and a wild animal at that, but he became part of camp. He got more positive comments in the parent feedback surveys than anyone else on staff. Kids LOVED that bird.

On Monday, M, A and K came to me and said that there was a dead bird on the health center roof. I knew it was him and I felt sick to my stomach. "Go and deal with it. I am going to burst into tears, just go deal with it" I told them. I felt shocked, numb, heartbroken. I didn't want to believe it was him. I believed them when they assured me they didn't think it was him. They didn't want me to have a breakdown. But it was him.

This whole week, I kept thinking about him and had to go to my house to burst into tears. I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about him being pecked to death by other birds. I hate nature. I eat meat and my dad was a hunter, but I think I watched too many Disney movies growing up, because I think about animals as little characters with personalities and feelings. I imagined him happy and friendly and part of our camp staff.

By the end of the week, I had blocked it from my mind and stopped thinking about it. Until this morning. 'T' and I were talking and Joe came up. None of us had yet mentioned to 'T' that they'd found him.

"I just hope he's happy, ya know? Isn't that silly?"'T' said. "I just hope that he's with other crows and he's happy and that's why he left." No matter how tough and gruff and manly 'T' is, everyone knew he loved that bird. But to hear him say that broke my heart into a million pieces. I'm sure, deep down, he knows that Joe is in bird heaven, but maybe for 'T' it's easier believing Joe is happy somewhere else. I don't think any of us will ever have the heart to tell him we found Joe.

I am so sad about Joe. I really hate nature sometimes.