A Sweet End

About half the staff left last night, and the rest left throughout the morning today.

A, M, K and I got up and got to work right away. The group got most of our jobs done yesterday, but we still had to pack and organize the office, go through each building and finish little projects here and there. We were a well-oiled machine- flying around camp at light speed. The staff took more time than we expected completing projects yesterday, but as I went from building to building, I was blown away by what a thorough job they did.

This is the cleanest, neatest and most organized this camp has ever been in the last 6 years and probably longer than that.

When we finished cleaning and packing, the four of us looked around and I said, "well... we did it."

We hugged goodbye and agreed to get together for lunch this week. I thought maybe I would cry when they left, but I have been so joy-filled all summer and even though I am sad it is ending, I still feel so happy. There weren't any tears. I know I will see all of them again and maybe even work together next summer.

They left camp and I took the dogs out to the field to play. The sun was shining brightly and it was deafeningly silent. I looked out at the gleaming, gorgeous camp and didn't recognize it. I was overwhelmed with feelings of relief (we made it the whole summer without any crisis or anyone getting hurt!), pride, and happiness. 2013 was a great summer. That seems like kind of an understatement, but it was simply wonderful.

Before I came to camp, I reluctantly went to my doctor and told him I thought something was wrong with me. I had spent the previous few months bursting into tears regularly and I couldn't remember the last time I felt happy. I didn't want to admit anything was wrong- I went through a depression in college and I didn't want to go back to that, but pretending I was fine wasn't helping. I started taking a small dose of antidepressants before the summer began. Within a few weeks, I felt like a new person. Actually, no, not a NEW person- I felt like myself. I hadn't realized how un-like myself I'd been. A bad day turned into a bad week, and eventually, it just seemed normal.

My bathroom has a light on the ceiling and then three lights above the mirror. One of the lights burned out and I meant to replace it, but kept forgetting to buy a new bulb at the store. I got used to the slightly dimmer bathroom. And then a second bulb burned out and it was way darker. When I finally got around to replacing the two bulbs and the bathroom was back to full brightness, I couldn't believe how light it was. All of a sudden, I could see every little detail. I had gotten used to the darker bathroom and was surprised by how bright it was.

THAT is what it felt like to start taking antidepressants. I forgot what it feels like to have energy, feel motivated, be curious, get excited. All of that came back to me.

I also started an entirely different diet- cutting our gluten, yeast, dairy, alcohol and (most) refined sugar (I cheated a little bit). I've lost 25 pounds since May and I feel incredible.

I leave camp feeling healthier, happier and less anxious than I have felt in years. I am proud of the work that I did and that the camp did this summer. I know that the future is up in the air, but I feel surprisingly peaceful despite so much unknown.

Thank you 2013. It has been an incredible journey.