Need

8:34 pm Saturday night- I was ready to go to bed because I was exhausted. I planned finish up some important facebooking and go to bed by 9:30. But at 9:15, Counselor J knocked on my door. She didn't want to bother me but asked if she could talk. She told me it wasn't a professional thing and said she was sorry for interrupting. I told her not to worry and that I was here for her, whether it is job related or just life. We talked for about 2 hours about her past eating disorder, current struggles with body image, her relationship with staff, etc.

My ex-bf was baffled by my relationship with staff last summer. He was so annoyed by their neediness and repeatedly commented that I was their boss and that I shouldn't have to deal with their personal issues. But this isn't a 9-5 job where they punch out at the end of their shift. If that was the case, yes, I would just be their boss. But they LIVE here. They spend every waking moment working and living here. Resident camp is more than a job, it is an experience and because I am leading them through it, it means I'm more than a boss. If I want them to be able to effectively work for me all summer (which is my goal as their boss), it's not enough to just expect them to be professional and work. I have to make sure they are both physically and emotionally able to make it through the intense summer. They come to me when they are sick. They come to me when they are stressed. And if I do a good job helping them get through the challenges, they will not only make it though, they will be successful staff. It is a necessary and important part of my job (and really, one of the things I enjoy most). It is my opportunity to make a difference in their lives, while also supervising their professional experience.

As Counselor J and I talked, Nurse J texted me and asked if I was still awake. I often text my best friend X that same thing, which is almost always code for, "you're never gonna guess what just happened and even though it is midnight, I need to tell you this story." But with Nurse J, I didn't expect an interesting story, rather, some kind of issue I was going to have to deal with.

She came over to let me know she was thinking about going to the hospital in the morning. Her feet and hands were swelling and her chest was really heavy. She said all of it with a smile and a "no big deal" tone of voice. With degenerative lung disease, cancer, and on the list for a lung transplant, it's not "no big deal" no matter how nonchalant she tries to be. I asked if she thought she should go right then and if she wanted me to go with her. She said she didn't want to scare Camper K (her 14 year old son) and didn't want him to be alone. I tried to convince her and she just kept telling me it was no big deal and she'd go in the morning.

But at 1am, when Camper K knocked on my door and asked if he could sleep in my house, I knew if had been a bigger deal then she'd let on. I forget that sometimes camp is creepy and even I sometimes am still afraid to sleep in my house alone. I forget that 14 is still young and just because he's a teenage boy, he's still really a little kid who is afraid because his mom is really sick. When he showed up, half asleep and wrapped in a blanket, he looked so young and my heart broke. I made up the bed in the spare room and texted Nurse J to ask if she was okay. She said she was fine and headed to the hospital and "no big deal".

Camper K went to bed and as I said good night, he asked me to leave the door open a little bit. I put a nightlight in the hall (because leaving the door open was pointless because my house is so dark) and went to bed. But I laid in bed, eyes wide open for a long time, not sure if I should have opened his window or of he needed a fan, or if he was okay. I was worried about Nurse J and wishing I'd insisted on going with her. This job is so much more than supervising staff and being a boss. There is so much responsibility that I never expected.

Earlier in the week, Nurse J had asked about my dad and I told her he was doing fine, enjoying Alaska. I'd been against the trip, but he's said it was his last chance and I had to respect that. She told me she understood and that when you find out life as you know it is over, you have to live as much as you can in the time you have. When you get to the point where you can't do anything- that's when it's over. She said she could be sitting on the couch at home, taking it easy. But she'd rather be here, watching Camper K have fun, doing whatever she can and taking it easy here. She can go in and out of the hospital just as easily being here as at home, so at least during the good days, she's doing what she loves.

At the hospital, she had 8 liters of fluid taken out of her lungs and by the time she got back to camp yesterday morning, she was completely exhausted and slept all day. I know she is very sick and probably not going to get better. It's difficult to watch and be helpless to do anything for her. I made her homemade chicken soup and updated her that Camper K was busy having fun with the rest of the staff. I wish I could do more, but there's nothing I can do.

Sometimes I wish I was just the boss. I wish I could punch in, work, and then at the end of the day, go off with my friends and live my life without being responsible for 50 year old buildings, 20 needy staff and an entire camp community. But I can't imagine my life without camp and there's no where else I'd rather be.