Sunday...

Have I mentioned that working at camp is a little bit crazy?

I had been told by more than one staff member that Counselor A had picked up a child last week. The camper didn't want to listen and so instead of talking to him or bringing in a Lead Staff to help out, he picked him up and carried him into the dining hall. As I didn't actually see it, I'm not sure if it was HORRIBLE or just a really bad choice.

Counselor A has been struggling this summer. He hasn't done anything terrible, he's just consistently kind of bad at his job. He doesn't appear to enjoy working with children, is terrible with details and cabin management, doesn't like any of the other staff and overall, unfortunately, doesn't have a lot of qualities as a counselor. So finding out he'd picked up a child, while possibly not grounds for termination (depending on the details of the incident) was the last straw.

He had been at home for the week and when I heard about him picking a kid up, I called and left him a message, asking if we could talk. He finally called me back last night and he admitted to putting his hands on the kid's shoulders, but not actually picking him up. Because a large group of staff was also out of town, I couldn't dig further into the incident until today.

Counselor A arrived back at camp earlier than the group of staff, so when he and I sat down to talk, I didn't have any more information than the night before, which made it a little harder because, while overall he is a bad counselor, there isn't one incident, even the picking up thing, that would make me send him home immediately.

We talked for a long time and he admitted that he struggled with some of the detail pieces of camp, but that he liked being here more than it seemed.

Eventually it all boiled down to this- the last three weeks of camp have low enrollment for boys and so I have more counselors than I actually need. He is leaving for a year in China the day after camp ends, so I suggested that maybe those two facts were more important than whether he was a good counselor or a bad counselor- maybe it was just his time to be done with camp. He never really connected with the staff and he'd said all along that he was just going to be at camp for one summer, so it wasn't devastating to think about leaving camp early (the way it would be for some staff).

Together we agreed that his time was done- it wasn't me firing him, it wasn't him quitting and we both still liked and respected each other. He shook my hand, told me it was really nice working for me and he would come visit next summer when he returned from China. I don't ever want anyone to leave on bad terms, so I was relieved that it all worked out. I told the staff that Counselor A was no longer with us and left it at that. Lack of details KILL them because they want to be involved in everything, but that was that.

A LITTLE WHILE LATER...

The meeting with Counselor A was enough for the day, but of course, that's not how camp works. As check in began and our new group of campers was arriving at camp, I got a call from the bus- they were going to be late because the bus had a flat tire! They were on the side of the road about 2 hours away from camp. The bus company was on the way to change it, but they were stuck.

Everyone was safe, and it just so happened that four of my best staff were riding the bus this week, so I knew they would be fine. However, without half of the group, we couldn't start camp like normal (dividing into cabins, touring and getting-to-know-ya games), so we would have to figure out a way to keep the group of campers we had at camp entertained and busy without actually starting camp.

Leave it to PDS and PDP- the greatest staff ever, to come up with an elaborate activity of relay games, complete with a special prize- for every game the kids won, they got a point. For each point the kids earned, PDS and PDP would dump something sticky on my head! We've done this before and kids LOVE to see someone get covered in mess, and what better way to start ooey gooey theme week?! I stayed in the welcome center and they told the kids I had no idea. Our group this week is younger- 7-11, so they were giggling and thrilled at being in on the secret.

When the games were over, they walkie talkied me and asked if I could come to the field, the kids wanted to meet me. I told them I was very busy and very important and didn't think I could be interrupted. The kids heard all of the exchange and that made it even more exciting when I finally came out and was introduced. "Hey, look! I have a blindfold" PDS said (in a very surprised and excited voice), "you should try it on." The kids were giggling and covering their mouths and leaning forward in excitement. I played dumb and asked why while they covered my eyes.

They told me it was starting to rain and then the chocolate syrup started pouring down, followed by whipped cream, pudding and a number of other yummy treats. They kids were roaring with excitement. They didn't seem to notice that I had changed my clothes from my uniform shirt- they were thrilled to see the spectacle.

Just as we finished up the act, the bus pulled up and I greeted the kids and staff, covered in sticky mess. I lead the entire welcome and introductions as if it was totally normal to be covered in chocolate, and so ooey gooey week began- about an hour late, but with lots of happy, smiling kids...

Coming to God

Besides the staff who I yelled at, overall, the whole staff was just having an "off" week last week. The kids were awesome and luckily they were the most low maintenance group we've had, because the staff were causing me to throw my arms in the air and pull out my hair and vent to lead staff, asking, "what's wrong with all of them?!"

So PDS, PDP and I sat down to go over our biggest frustrations and come up with an agenda for our end of the week staff meeting. I wasn't looking for staff input or feedback, rather, I needed to have a "coming to God" meeting with all of them.

PDS started and she reiterated the importance of being focused on campers and having a positive attitude/ counselor face.

PDP went next and let everyone know that the changes we make to the schedule are necessary and we are letting people know as soon as we do and to chill out (that's paraphrased, not exactly what he said).

I was last because, quite frankly, I wanted to leave the meeting having had the last word. My normal style is very open, collaborative, welcome to feedback and inclusive. But I put my foot down when I mean it and their faces showed that they were a little surprised, but hopefully taking me seriously.

1. This is a job. Yes, I care about everyone and want them to grow and develop and have fun. But if they don't remember that it is a job, with responsibilities, I will care about them from a distance, because they will not have a job anymore.

2. Opinions about the program, job performance of lead staff or co-workers- those need to stop. There is a person at camp whose job is to oversee everything and everyone. It's me. I'm good at it. I'm doing it. Staff only see a fraction of what goes on and so opinions are not based on all the information.

3. You are not allowed to be stressed about things that don't apply to you. Counselor N going on the camping trip at the last minute was stressful to him, and I worked with him directly. But the uproar and subsequent outrage/ stress that SEVERAL other staff had over the situation was ridiculous. You have to stay out of things that don't apply to you.

4. You will not always like your co-workers, supervisors, organization policies, decisions, etc. You have two choices- keep your mouth closed and deal with it or find another job. Voicing your opinion loudly about those things will get your fired in other jobs. Learn to deal with things- welcome to real life.

5. There's a difference between venting and group whining. I hear about the group whining and I know when you're crabby about something, but if you don't come to me directly, I can't do anything about it.

Camp is some of the staff's first job. Like asking them to understand the developmental stage of a 7 year old and not get frustrated when they lose their shoes, because that's what 7 year olds do, I know that I have to meet my staff where they are at. 19 year olds have a lot of opinions, don't fully understand what it means to be professional and don't realize that in future jobs, their boss isn't going to care about their feelings, well being or growth. I try really hard not to get frustrated with them, because all of this is normal and happens every year. It's not personal against me, it's just what happens.

I'm hoping that they are a little bit more focused this week, because I'm being patient, but I'm really over their neediness.

Real Stuff

Camp is supposed to be silly songs, fun games and roasting marshmallows. The magic of camp is supposed to protect us from everything out in real life. Kids get to come to camp and be themselves, get dirty, be goofy and never worry.

On Wednesday afternoon I got a call from a parent. Her three boys have been coming to camp as long as I've been here and they are a wonderful family. She is a huge camp supporter, coming to a lot of our events (the last one being Counselor J's memorial). The two younger boys are scheduled to come to camp next week. The oldest is here this week and back next week in the Leader-in-Training program. The mom was calling to tell me that her neighbor was on the way to pick him up and would be to camp in an hour. His dad was in the hospital and very ill.

I ran down to the beach as the pontoon was sailing away from the dock. I managed to yell as loud as I could and flail my arms around to get them to turn around. I tried to look calm as I said, "I'm sorry everyone. Camper M needs to come with me for a little bit, sorry to interrupt." All of the LITs protested because Camper M is popular and it was weird that he had to go with me. I told him we needed to call his mom and he didn't ask any questions as we walked back to the Welcome Center. He was calm as he talked to his mom and as sweet as ever when he got off the phone and told me he had to go home. He calmly told me his mom kicked his dad out of the house in March because he was having emotional problems, but then a few weeks ago, his dad got sick and had to go to the hospital. They didn't know what it was, but now they know it is lung cancer and he doesn't have very long to live. Besides the three campers, there is a 6 and 3 year old at home. They are the sweetest kids and despite the dramatic story, a very nice family who are going through a lot of tough stuff.

Camper M's dad died today. His mom called to let me know she wanted to boys to be able to come back to camp next week, but would have to figure out the details of the funeral first. I held back tears as I told Camper M's group the news. They all cried. It was awful.

A few hours later, I got a text message from a different parent telling me news of another death. The mother of two of our return campers (who are scheduled to come to camp in two weeks), has been battling breast cancer for months and she died today. Those kids go to one of the schools that sends the most campers to camp and so I know several of the parents in that community. They are all encouraging the dad to stick with the plan to send the kids to camp.

Besides these families, two other campers both lost their dads earlier this year and the13 year old sister of one of our CITs committed suicide earlier this year. Counselor J's death in December. Nurse J being sick... none of this is supposed to happen. It's summer. It's camp. Glitter, rainbows, laughter, sugar... not death.

I've worked incredibly hard for four years to create a community- building relationships with kids, parents and getting to know entire families. I know that bad things happen all the time and usually, we just don't hear about it. That families are calling camp to keep us involved in their lives is a sign of a strong community and for that, I am really proud and happy to be able to be here.

After four years, I know kids, families, I remember older siblings, know which kids go to which schools. Recruiting has brought me into people's homes and special events have helped me get to know people outside of just a few minutes at camp once a summer. I have worked hard to call and email people, following up on their registrations, finances, special needs of each child, learning details of each family in the process. This year I have sent out emails once a week, counting down from 4 weeks until camp. My photo is at the top of all of the emails and each week, I cover different topics, encouraging people to call or email me with any question. Because of that, I have had more interaction with parents than ever before, and the majority of parents who arrive at camp greet me by name, ask about my dogs (who are also pictured) and have a sense of familiarity that calms their fears about leaving their child for a week.

Every week I tell the kids that they now belong to the camp family and they will always have a home here. I am working hard to make this camp more than a one time experience, but rather a constant in their lives, summer after summer. I want every parent and every child to feel like this is a home away from home with people who know them and care about them as if they were the most important people here. It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to build a community, but each year I can see and feel the growth and i it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that a small part of me wishes I could go back to the easy, light, superficial interactions and temporary relationships that come in an average camp program. When a kid comes to camp for a week, one time, I smile politely and say hello at drop off and pick up, not knowing names, not recognizing parents, no pressure, no responsibility to interact in a meaningful way or put in any extra effort. A one-size-fits all, generic, anonymous, regular old program. It wouldn't be as rewarding, but it wouldn't be as much effort either.

Because right now, my heart is breaking for my kids and my families. Genuinely caring about people means more than shallow greetings and artificial warmth, it means opening yourself up for the good and the bad parts of life. And that's really hard and takes every ounce of my energy. This isn't a job, it is a labor of love that I'm pouring my entire soul into right now. I'm proud of that and I love that. And let's be honest, I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I clocked in and out and left work at the office and then went home.

Community is built on a foundation of relationships, and the more connections, the stronger the bond. And that's what I hope to wrap around the campers who come to camp- whether they are average happy kids looking for a fun week, or kids who just lost their parent and need a place to heal- either way, I hope that this camp can be something meaningful to them. Because that is where I get my meaning from.

Reading the Group

With a camp as small as this one, it is possible to make big changes to the schedule based on the needs of the group. I think it makes the program that much stronger and I am so proud of PDS and PDP for absolutely the best programming yet.

In pre-camp planning, we'd had a great idea for a canoe race around the island. It takes over an hour to get around the island usually, so racing it should take slightly less, but it's still a long distance. I was really looking forward to the race this week because it was a cool idea. However, this group of kids is not competitive at all and canoeing that long in a race was not going to work out.

PDS and I decided to change it and spent all day, literally the entire day coming up with the coolest program yet. It was active and challenging, but really different. Teams had to do different challenges that all lead to a final challenge. They had to dig in rice to find a pin, then they had to pass water balloons from neck to neck, use the pin and pop them into a bucket. They had to run to a pile of keys find one, and then run back and attempt to unlock a box. Inside the box was a squirt gun, which they used the water to fill. They had to use the water gun to squirt coffee filters, which we'd written different letters on in permanent marker and then colored over with washable marker. When squirted with water, the washable marker bled to reveal the letter. The letters spelled out a clue and so on and so on.... It was awesome.

At 4:30, which is the last activity before dinner (and the activity was planned for after dinner), the kids were just dragging. The kids who had been on the overnight were EXHAUSTED and the other kids were worn out too. So I walkie talkie-d PDS to the beach where I was life guarding and we decided that they were too tired to do the activity and so we switched around several things so they could do it in the morning today and have quiet time last night before the dance party. By the time the dance came around, they had a little more energy and had a blast at the dance.

The activity went super well this morning and I was thrilled with our ability to make changes to ensure the success of our programs and make sure the kids have the best time ever!

Difficult Decision

Last night was brutal.

Around midnight, it started to rain. There was thunder and lightening. It wasn't a terrible storm, but I had 24 teens and 5 staff in the middle of the woods, so I was wide awake, unable to sleep, knowing they were out there. I checked and re-checked the weather online and it wasn't severe weather, but I was still worried.

The problem with rain on the camping trip is that there is literally no place for them to go. They are in the middle of the woods and there is no shelter at all. If there was an emergency, I would personally hike in and get everyone out. However, when it's bad weather, but not an emergency, the best option is to leave them out there.

Attempting to get 30 people out of the woods in the middle of the night in the rain would be more dangerous than them braving the weather. The trail is narrow, curvy, uneven, hilly, and it would be difficult to maneuver in the pitch black (even with our biggest lanterns and all the flashlights). In addition to dangerous, it would be absolutely terrifying.

Once they got back to camp, we would have to try to find enough bedding for everyone, since we would have to leave all of their stuff behind. I don't think we have enough bedding in all of camp for that many people, so it wouldn't exactly be a nice warm, dry bed like they would need.

Again, let me be clear- if they were in danger, I wouldn't hesitate. But they weren't and so I made the tough decision, knowing they were most likely wet, miserable and not sleeping, to leave them out there. I hate tough decisions like that!

They returned this morning with a wet sleeping bags, bug bites, completely exhausted, but still smiling. They'd had a good time, minus the wet night. We're all exhausted today, but everyone is safe and still happy, and the sun is shining, so life is good.

Yelling

It's possible I jinxed myself in that last blog post, because a cloud of craziness has descended over camp. The teens? Nope- they are still as laid back, easy going and wonderful as ever. They aren't competitive, haven't really been interested in all camp games, but are very content to just hang out with each other. They are well behaved, hilarious and I think if all the staff left, they would just carry on like normal.

No, the craziness has hit the staff and I am ready to look at about half of them and say, "GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER OR GET OUT!!" Okay, that's me venting, but I did yell at two counselors yesterday. It is RARE for me to yell. I'm more of a quiet, "I'm disappointed in you" kinda boss. But today I yelled.

This week we scheduled an optional camping trip that kids could sign up for. Usually this age group is automatically sent on the trip, but with all of them in the same age group and the theme of our week being "teens love choices", this time around it was optional. We only have one cabin of boys this week and all of them signed up for the trip. And yet, their counselors didn't think to plan, prepare for or acknowledge the trip, other than to tell the boys to pack right before they left.

They were getting ready to board the pontoon to be dropped off at the campsite (which is literally in the middle of the forest), all wearing shorts and tee shirts. I asked if they had packed long pants and long sleeved shirts and all of them said no. I sent them back to their cabins to change their clothes because the bugs are OUT OF CONTROL and they would have been eaten alive and absolutely miserable if they weren't covered.

That was the final straw after a lot of small things I'd overlooked all week and I called them over and yelled, actually yelled at them for not preparing their boys. What were they thinking? Even if they didn't care about the kids, wouldn't you think from a self-preservation standpoint that they wouldn't have wanted to go into the woods with 12 unprepared boys who would surely complain the whole time?

I warned all of the staff that our fun weekend should not come at the expense of camp. They knew that in order to be able to do their jobs, they need to be rested and prepared to be with kids. I'm not sympathetic to their "off" week. If they don't get their acts together, they are not going to have jobs soon...

Teens

This week is for kids who have completed 7th-10th grade- teen week! We have a small group, just 50 kids and out of that group, only 4 kids who are new to camp. It's only Monday night, so it's been a full day and Sunday afternoon, but already the week is AWESOME. The vibe is super laid back-these kids are here to chill. And because they are older, there's no homesickness, no problems with listening, no lost shoes, no random melt downs- they are just happily hanging out, excited to be at camp.

We changed the schedule, making breakfast an hour later, bedtime about 2 hours later and adding in a bunch of new activities. We did a mingle game on Sunday night to mix them all up and tonight was a late night (okay it started at 9:30, but usually they are done showering and in cabins by then) ice cream social.

Counselors routinely complain when we change the schedule, but I LOVE changing the schedule, so I've been excited for this week since last fall when I came up with the idea. I'm confident this is going to be the best week yet!

Fun Weekend

What a whirlwind weekend!

The kids left on Friday as usual, except that two of the kids' parents didn't show up. When I called their emergency contact, he said, "she's supposed to be there by 3." Our parent program starts at 1, ends at 2 and the entire staff was headed to a baseball game Friday night and needed to leave no later than 3:30 in order to make it on time. I'd been hoping to drive away from camp by 3pm at the latest.

I hate being on a tight schedule because you just never know about traffic or other factors, so I was stressed out to begin. The mother wasn't answering her phone, so I wasn't sure if she was actually going to be there by 3pm or not. I also felt bad for the kids. They were the only kids without a parent at the program and they kept asking me what time she was getting there, worried they were going to get left at camp. I felt bad for them and kept trying to reassure them, but in my head I was cursing the mother for being disrespectful to camp, a crappy mom and an all around bad person.

I gave PDS the keys to my house (the meet up place since a few staff were driving separately), the tickets and told her to go ahead. Nurse J and I stayed at camp with the kids. Luckily, the mom got there at 3:30 and we were able to jump in my car one minute later. We even beat the camp van to my house (they stopped for food). I'm not a fan of baseball, but the stadium is brand new and really nice. The suite was spectacular and the staff were so excited and awestruck. It was a long, exhausting day, but really fun too.

On Saturday, my mom picked me up at my house to drive me and Griffin to the vet. I wanted to leave my car for the staff who were staying at my house, so I appreciated her being willing to drive me. Griffin's eye has been looking kind of off, so I wanted his vet to look at him since we were home.

Speaking of home- this was the first time I'd been at my house in over 2 months, and it's been 4 months since I actually lived there. My mom has been going to my house every week to mow the lawn and get my mail. She's been taking care of my house and I really appreciate it. I've never gone this long away from home and it was weird to be back. I felt like a visitor, touching things and opening drawers. Camp has become home and I'm not sure what it will be like when I move back in a month.

Saturday afternoon, the whole staff went to Counselor H's house for a BBQ, and then some of us went to the mall and to Target to do some shopping. We went out for dinner near my house and then we went to see a comedy improv show that PDP is an actor.

Today we packed up the van and headed back to camp. It has been a weekend packed with fun things, but I don't feel like I've had a break. I knew that when we started planning it- these kinds of weekends are no different than camp- it's a lot of coordinating, details and organizing everyone. But I'm really glad we could get away from camp for a while and have a fun experience.

Not Running Away

MA came to me earlier this week and asked to talk. He told me he was putting in his two weeks notice. I wasn't surprised because nothing MA does or says surprises me. MA is one of the sweetest, most genuine 18 year old boys I've worked with. He is desperate to belong, has not been given enough guidance or support in his life and he is the most coach-able staff I've ever had. He takes in everything I say and genuinely listens and changes based on the guidance I've given him. But he is also immature, needs constant attention and his reaction to every issue is to run away.

He and APDM have been having a little romance, which I predicated was probably going to end in blood and flames, or at least tears, and as predicted, last week, MA lost interest. Instead of talking to M, he starting ignoring her. Camp is a small community and everyone is involved in everyone else's business, so the rest of the staff turned on him and now everyone is upset. Instead of dealing with it, MA decided he should quit.

I told him what I thought was going on and that he should just go have a conversation with M and deal with it maturely and then stay at camp. He tried to tell me he's been miserable for weeks but when I responded with, "this isn't prison, you don't have to stay here, you are free to leave tomorrow" his response was, "I have a lot to do before I leave. I would have to teach someone everything I do." I didn't mean to laugh, but I've been taking care of camp for 4 years and I taught him everything, so it was a cute/funny response.

I reminded him of the canoe trip from staff training. I told them that at some point, they'd be tired or frustrated and would want to quit, which is the same as the summer. But, like the canoe trip, they would have to find strength to continue on and not quit. This was that moment for him.

I also told him that whether or not he liked it, he was part of this crazy camp family and he needed to stop resisting it and understand that he is an important part of us who can't just quit when it gets hard.

With some more lecturing, eventually he agreed to think about quitting and also to go talk to M. The next day, his attitude was entirely different and when I jokingly said something about how much I would miss him in 2 weeks, he said, "I told you I would think about it, I haven't actually given my two weeks." I smiled and nodded and didn't say anything, but in my head I gave myself a high five for winning another victory with him.

On Thursday he asked to talk to me again. This time he was letting me know he couldn't go to the baseball game we had tickets for. A few weeks ago, some of the staff had asked if we could go into the city for a baseball game. I emailed the board of directors, asking if anyone had access to free or discounted tickets. One of them responded that he had a suite we could use (retail- $3000. Yay for rich board members!). The staff were all beside themselves with excitement, MA included.

Originally, MA had planned to stay with some of the other staff at Counselor A's house, but they are all 21 or older and wanted to go out on Saturday night. MA couldn't go with them because he is 18. Once again, instead of dealing with a tough situation, his response was to run away. He told me he'd made other plans and couldn't go.

Once again, I called him out and told him I could see through him- he was excited to go but then it got difficult, and he wasn't trying to figure it out. I told him he was going to stay at my house with some of the other staff and I wasn't giving him a choice in the matter. I reminded him that he was an important part of our family and that we wanted him to be there. And once again, his attitude changed and he went from sulky and "I don't even like baseball, I don't wanna go" to excited. He wants to belong so badly and struggles so much when he feels left out. But he also turns around quickly, which makes him really fun to redirect. The changes that he has gone through in just 2 months of being at camp are amazing. I am so proud of him and I know camp has been a life changing experience already. He's a high-maintenance Maintenance Assistant, but he's worth the effort.

Melting Down

It's so hot! Sunday of camp is always the same- kids arrive, we do a welcome and introductions, kids get divided into cabins and then spend the afternoon and after dinner touring camp, playing get-to-know-ya games and then we have an opening campfire. But it was so hot on Sunday, we actually added an all camp swim time right after dinner because we just needed to get all of the kids and staff cooled down. I don't remember it ever being this miserably hot at camp.

It's Operation Purple Camp this week, so all of the kids have a parent (or, in some cases, both parents) who are in the military. It's a great week and an honor to be able to run this program. Last Saturday I had a mandatory staff in-service to help prepare the staff for the week ahead. Even though kids are kids and it shouldn't be different, these kids are under a lot more stress, have a different set of worries, more responsibilities and therefore, different needs than most of our campers throughout the summer.

One of the kids I've been working with all week is a great example of why these kids are a little different. Hunter had been homesick all week. Homesickness is my specialty and I rarely send kids home because of it. Actually, I pride myself on how well I handle the homesick kids and my ability to turn them around to have a successful week at camp.

I used all of my strategies with Hunter and he was doing well until yesterday. Yesterday was military day and it was hot, he was tired and by lunch, his melt downs were unmanageable. I want kids to be successful at camp, but more than that, I want kids to be happy, and if camp isn't working, I am honest with parents and will sen a kid home if it is necessary.

Hunter had been at a camp all last week, home for the weekend and then come here on Sunday. Added into that mix, his dad was leaving for a year-long deployment on Tuesday while Hunter was at camp. I'm not sure what his parents were thinking. All of those factors set him up to fail and it wasn't at all surprising that he was struggling. I felt bad for him and I felt bad for his mom who had to drive all the way up to camp to come and get him. I want every kid to have the best time of their lives at camp, so I felt sad that it didn't work for him. There's nothing else I could have done to improve the situation, but it was still kind of a bummer.

Accessible

This camp is not wheelchair accessible. The paths are sand or wood chipped, the terrain is rocky and uneven, the dining hall and some of the cabins are up a steep hill, not to mention that all of the activities are set up for kids who can run and be active. 3 years ago, one of the OPC kids was in a wheelchair and we ended up carrying her, in the chair, everywhere around camp.

This weekend, I got an email from a family I'd just taken off the waiting list for this week of camp. The mom was following up because one of her three kids is paraplegic and in a wheelchair. I had emailed with her a few months ago and told her it might work out to have him come to camp, but that was sort of a lie, because he was on the waiting list and I thought I wasn't going to have to deal with it. I know- all of this makes me sound like a terrible person. It's not that I don't want to be able to bring every kid to camp, it's just that we are limited and I am realistic about it.

So I called her to say, um, this probably isn't going to work. But before I could, she told me how excited Danny was to be able to come to camp with his brother and sister and just be a normal kid.

As she spoke, all I could think was, "well played mom, you win this round..." Because really, what could I possibly say to that, other than, "we're really excited to have him." I told her I was calling to see what we could do to best accommodate him and be prepared. She told me he is a determined kid with a great attitude and not to treat him any differently than any other kid. His legs don't work, but he's normal.

But still, I was nervous. Normal or not, this camp is just not set up for a wheelchair. But his mom was so positive and wonderful and I was determined to make it work. I prepared his counselors that they would be carrying him and it would be a challenging week but we would have to make it work.

I was nervous, but his mom was right- he's an exceptionally positive, awesome kid. He signed up for swimming (he just crawls out of his chair into the water and then swims around with ease), sports and hasn't hesitated in anything. On Monday night, the all camp game involves running through the woods, collecting pieces of paper from different stations and then running back to the start. His counselor ran the entire hour, pushing the wheelchair at lightening speed, and Danny rocked the game! It was an amazing and wonderful thing to watch. Yes, it took a little extra effort from Counselor N, but Danny got to play, feel normal and it was wonderful.

Today was military day and once again, the soldiers came out with lots of activities (I got to drive the tank again too!). Counselor N and Counselor J put in a little extra effort and helped lift Danny up so he could climb the rock wall. He only made it as far as the counselors could boost him while he climbed with his arms, but he made it farther up than some able bodied people and it was wonderful.

I am so proud of my staff and so happy to be able to provide a positive camp experience to a kid who I wasn't sure we could serve. His mom was right about his positive attitude but it's a good lesson for me too- with the right attitude, anything is possible!

More Magic

I loved having my best friend X at camp, but it was hard to keep up blogging all of the great stories from the week because every free minute I had, I wanted to spend having fun with her. That being said, she pointed out that "I'm here and your mom knows I'm here, so your 'readers' understand why the blog isn't updated." [Shout out to my readers- Mom, X and, well... um... anyone else out there!].

Here are two stories from the week that I have to go back to.

1. Sorting Hat-

In Harry Potter, kids are put into their houses by a talking sorting hat. The sorting hat in the story sings a poem and then calls out the name of the kid and which house he or she belongs. For our week at camp, we knew we wanted to put kids into cabins with a sorting hat. Our plan had been to put a walkie talkie inside the hat and then have someone far away call them out. We were a little nervous that the walkie talkie wouldn't be loud enough if it was inside a hat, but we tried it out and it seemed ok. PDS and I both also carry walkie talkies on our belts, which we knew would amplify the sound, but we were still a little nervous about how the whole thing would work out.

As luck would have it, X was visiting and so we didn't have to have any of the staff skip the welcome/introductions. She hid behind some cars a little ways away from the field (where all of us were). I carried the sorting hat stool and PDS triumphantly carried the sorting hat, carefully balancing the walkie talkie inside. She sat it down and I said to it, "sorting hat, can you tell us where the kids go?"

Unbeknownst to me, X had done a little research on the sorting hat and found out about the poem that comes before the actual sorting (a detail I'd forgotten since reading the books). She wrote a camp version of the poem and began our ceremony. Apparently it wasn't obvious that the voice was coming from a walkie talkie, because kids mouths were wide open and I saw several staff actually say, "how is it doing that?" There is NOTHING better than when we do something cool enough to actually surprise or impress the staff.

After the poem, she read off the first cabin list. I asked, "which cabin is next?" and I turned to really talk to the hat, acting as impressed by the magic as the kids actually were. I didn't know that she couldn't hear me from where she was sitting, but luckily she could see me and so each time I turned, she started the next list and the whole ceremony was perfect.

2. Power Outage-

Nothing surprises me at camp anymore. Enough weird and unexpected things have happened that I just expect unpredictable things to occur and when they do, I'm usually pretty calm, knowing that it's just one more story to add to a long list of camp stories from my life.

So towards the end of shower time on Monday night as the last few kids were getting in the shower, and the power went out, I didn't even flinch. The bathrooms are in the basement of a building, so there are no windows and thus, it was COMPLETELY dark. Of course the girls immediately started screaming. I am the bathroom monitor so I was right there to tell them to remain calm and continue showering as best they could while I went to get flashlights. X and I stood in between the showers, holding flashlights while the girls finished. You can take normal showers at home, but you can only take showers by flashlight at camp!

The weather wasn't actually that bad, but the power was out until about 4am. It was probably the best time to lose power at camp since most of the groups were already in their cabins getting ready to go to sleep. It was weird going to bed knowing that we didn't have electricity anywhere at camp, but there wasn't anything I could do about it, so I checked the weather one last time and then went to sleep. Never a dull moment at camp...

Bestie

My best friend X has been at camp for the past 7 days. She has visited every year making her one of the few people who truly can see and appreciate the progress I've made. I love having her visit camp, not only because she's my bestie and we have a ton of fun together, but also because she jumps in 100% and helps with kids, staff, programming and doesn't have a problem staying busy if I have to work on something. It's also fun to have her here to witness the constant craziness, meet all of the staff who are the stars of never-ending stories I call to tell her, and give me her perspective on everything at camp.

Over the weekend, she, PDS and I took the pontoon out for several hours. The weather was perfect, the sun was shining and we drove around the lake just relaxing and getting away from work, staff and life. I don't often take time to do that- usually on the weekends I spend time catching up on emails, doing work for the week ahead, cleaning my house and doing laundry, so it was nice to have her there to remind me to have some fun.

This week's theme is Harry Potter and at the beginning of the summer, when we were programming, we'd talked about creating an owl of some sort to deliver the kids' mail. We had a few ideas, but never decided anything, so this weekend, PDS, APDA, X and I tackled the project. All of us love to craft, so it was fun brainstorming and trying to figure out what we would do. X is a master crafter and the person who inspires me to be the most creative, so I was thrilled that owl crafting happened to come at the same time as her visit.

What started as a small(ish) idea of a paper mache owl, of course got bigger and bigger until we had designed a full costume (think of a school mascot). It took four of us close to 12 hours to make and each of us felt overwhelmed or frustrated at some point in the crafting process, but overall, it was a great project with a super cool outcome. When we worked together at camp and in the years since, X and I have crafted many crazy things, so more than anything, it was just fun to get back to being together, creating something, laughing, and being crazy.

And when I swooped in to deliver the mail at lunch, the kids (and some of the staff) were amazed. Yes, sometimes I do things the complicated way and go above and beyond to make tiny details a big deal. It wasn't necessary to have a giant owl deliver the mail, but that's where the magic of camp comes from. I was happy my best friend could be part of the magic!

Staff

With only 4 new staff (out of 22), I predicted that my issues this summer would have more to do with interpersonal issues than job performance. And so far, I was right.

This morning I met with 4 of the return staff who had a long list of issues they had concerns and/or feedback about. They didn't like the nature program, didn't like the changes to the schedule, etc.

The positive side of this is that they love camp and care so much that they feel a high level of ownership. The annoying thing is that they don't have all of the information so they are resisting change because they don't see the big picture.

I had Program Director S come to the meeting as well, because I wanted her to offer some perspective. It's her 5th year at camp, so she has a good understanding of where they are coming from and also where I am coming from. Many of their suggestions were things we'd already tried and changed because they didn't work. I didn't want to shoot down everything they said and it helped to have PDS there to help me explain why we do things the way we do them. She and I have been through so much together and I am going to lose my mind when she's not here next summer.

Management

Ever since I was a little kid, I've wanted to be "in charge" and I have always assumed that managing people would be really fun and that having power would be really great. But managing people is not about being "in charge", giving people instruction or making sure they are doing their job, but mostly about making sure they feel valued, listened to and are happy. It usually requires me to bite my tongue, hold back my opinion/frustration and put a lot of effort into understanding their feelings in order to problem solve or motivate.

Business Manager J has been on edge lately. Every conversation I have with her I feel resistance and she seems to want to argue with everything I say. Everyone has a bad day or a bad week every now and then, but it seemed to be getting worse. It seemed like it wasn't a bad mood, but that something was going on.

And then there was the photocopy incident. I still feel annoyed every time I think about it. Twice a day at camp, we have praise and worship which includes lots of singing. We have a projector and power point slideshow which we use to project the lyrics for the kids. But there are several issues with this arrangement. In some seats, you can't see part of the lyrics. There are OFTEN technical difficulties with the projector or the computer and then we can't get the lyrics to show up. Some of the song lyrics are on two slides, so someone has to switch it midway through the song and the timing never seems to work out.

So we decided to print out the lyrics and make some song booklets to hand out. Simple solution. Perfect. So APDA typed and formatted it and I emailed it to J to print out. The copy machine in the office is much nicer than the one at camp and also has a very easy to use booklet making feature. It should have been a 10 minute project (at the most).

But her reply to my email was that she couldn't make the copies because we haven't paid the license fee for the copywrite. But here's the thing- we're talking about 12 songs that have been sung and passed down for years and years. We are a tiny camp. There's NO reason why we should pay for a license. I understood her point, but it was a risk I was willing to have our organization take.

So we emailed back and forth several times. My biggest frustration was that it's not her job to oversee the copies that I make. She doesn't get to have an opinion about every document I create. Her job is to make the copies. As the executive director, I am the person who decides what is best for the organization and I am responsible if there are consequences.

Ultimately, she refused to make the copies and I was livid. I've NEVER, not once in 4 years, ever had the attitude that "I'm in charge, you have to listen to me!" I have always treated her with respect, valued her opinion and created an environment of working together. But, to put it simply, I'm in charge and she needs to listen to me (for the record, I never phrased it like that when we were discussing this whole thing).

So between her growing attitude and my absolute rage over the copy incident, I decided I needed to drive 3 hours home to discuss the situation in person. I was not happy to drive 6 hours round trip and leave camp when there were kids and activity going on, but I felt like it was necessary.

On the phone with my mom and best friend, and talking to myself in the car, I was outraged and venting and shouted about how she had to listen to me and I was going to fire her if she kept fighting with me. Bosses on TV yell and make demands and don't listen, and I was feeling a bit like that cliche. But when I arrived and we sat down, my actual management style returned and I began the conversation with, "how are you doing? You seem stressed out. How can I support you?"

I listened, offered words of encouragement and affirmation and by the time we were finished with the conversation, her tone had changed completely. I ended up making the copies myself and we probably will never agree on that debate, but it wasn't a battle worth pursuing at the beginning of of a long, intense summer. I need her to do her job and I need to focus on camp. I need her to feel valued and motivated because when people feel good, they do good work. I'm still super annoyed by the whole thing, but being a manager doesn't mean I get to yell, it means that I have to set aside my feelings for the good of the situation.

Need

8:34 pm Saturday night- I was ready to go to bed because I was exhausted. I planned finish up some important facebooking and go to bed by 9:30. But at 9:15, Counselor J knocked on my door. She didn't want to bother me but asked if she could talk. She told me it wasn't a professional thing and said she was sorry for interrupting. I told her not to worry and that I was here for her, whether it is job related or just life. We talked for about 2 hours about her past eating disorder, current struggles with body image, her relationship with staff, etc.

My ex-bf was baffled by my relationship with staff last summer. He was so annoyed by their neediness and repeatedly commented that I was their boss and that I shouldn't have to deal with their personal issues. But this isn't a 9-5 job where they punch out at the end of their shift. If that was the case, yes, I would just be their boss. But they LIVE here. They spend every waking moment working and living here. Resident camp is more than a job, it is an experience and because I am leading them through it, it means I'm more than a boss. If I want them to be able to effectively work for me all summer (which is my goal as their boss), it's not enough to just expect them to be professional and work. I have to make sure they are both physically and emotionally able to make it through the intense summer. They come to me when they are sick. They come to me when they are stressed. And if I do a good job helping them get through the challenges, they will not only make it though, they will be successful staff. It is a necessary and important part of my job (and really, one of the things I enjoy most). It is my opportunity to make a difference in their lives, while also supervising their professional experience.

As Counselor J and I talked, Nurse J texted me and asked if I was still awake. I often text my best friend X that same thing, which is almost always code for, "you're never gonna guess what just happened and even though it is midnight, I need to tell you this story." But with Nurse J, I didn't expect an interesting story, rather, some kind of issue I was going to have to deal with.

She came over to let me know she was thinking about going to the hospital in the morning. Her feet and hands were swelling and her chest was really heavy. She said all of it with a smile and a "no big deal" tone of voice. With degenerative lung disease, cancer, and on the list for a lung transplant, it's not "no big deal" no matter how nonchalant she tries to be. I asked if she thought she should go right then and if she wanted me to go with her. She said she didn't want to scare Camper K (her 14 year old son) and didn't want him to be alone. I tried to convince her and she just kept telling me it was no big deal and she'd go in the morning.

But at 1am, when Camper K knocked on my door and asked if he could sleep in my house, I knew if had been a bigger deal then she'd let on. I forget that sometimes camp is creepy and even I sometimes am still afraid to sleep in my house alone. I forget that 14 is still young and just because he's a teenage boy, he's still really a little kid who is afraid because his mom is really sick. When he showed up, half asleep and wrapped in a blanket, he looked so young and my heart broke. I made up the bed in the spare room and texted Nurse J to ask if she was okay. She said she was fine and headed to the hospital and "no big deal".

Camper K went to bed and as I said good night, he asked me to leave the door open a little bit. I put a nightlight in the hall (because leaving the door open was pointless because my house is so dark) and went to bed. But I laid in bed, eyes wide open for a long time, not sure if I should have opened his window or of he needed a fan, or if he was okay. I was worried about Nurse J and wishing I'd insisted on going with her. This job is so much more than supervising staff and being a boss. There is so much responsibility that I never expected.

Earlier in the week, Nurse J had asked about my dad and I told her he was doing fine, enjoying Alaska. I'd been against the trip, but he's said it was his last chance and I had to respect that. She told me she understood and that when you find out life as you know it is over, you have to live as much as you can in the time you have. When you get to the point where you can't do anything- that's when it's over. She said she could be sitting on the couch at home, taking it easy. But she'd rather be here, watching Camper K have fun, doing whatever she can and taking it easy here. She can go in and out of the hospital just as easily being here as at home, so at least during the good days, she's doing what she loves.

At the hospital, she had 8 liters of fluid taken out of her lungs and by the time she got back to camp yesterday morning, she was completely exhausted and slept all day. I know she is very sick and probably not going to get better. It's difficult to watch and be helpless to do anything for her. I made her homemade chicken soup and updated her that Camper K was busy having fun with the rest of the staff. I wish I could do more, but there's nothing I can do.

Sometimes I wish I was just the boss. I wish I could punch in, work, and then at the end of the day, go off with my friends and live my life without being responsible for 50 year old buildings, 20 needy staff and an entire camp community. But I can't imagine my life without camp and there's no where else I'd rather be.

Leading

On Thursday, Counselor N asked if they could take the amp van into town to go to Target and the movie theater. PDS and PDP were both leaving for the weekend and so there wasn't anyone else who could drive the van so I told him that I could take them if they wanted to go. He hesitated and reacted awkwardly. I joked with him that I could drop them off a block away if they were embarrassed about hanging out with their boss. I knew it wasn't that, rather, he felt awkward about asking me to give up my day off to take them into town. But I didn't mind and they wanted to go, so this morning, we all gathered to venture into town for the day.

With 13 people, all of whom want to do something different, a day like this can be long and painful. It's difficult to organize a group that big and often with group dynamic, no one wants to take the lead and put themselves at risk of making the wrong decision. On the weekends, I try not to manage the staff as much as I can. I control every waking move of their lives during the week, so I don't want to boss them around all weekend too. But no one had a plan for the day, just a long list of places people wanted to go.

So I printed out the movie choices and times and suggested a plan for the day. We started at Target, which everyone wanted and then they were going to go see a movie. I thought everyone was going, until it was time to go and I said I wasn't going to go and then half of them decided not to go too. The problem with group dynamics is that most people will go along with the crowd, rather than speak up about what they'd rather do. My doing something different made it possible for those who didn't want to see the movie to have an alternative.

The movie-goers left for the theater and I wasn't sure what the rest of us were going to do. I asked what they wanted to do and everyone said, "I don't know... whatever..." I was hungry, so I said I was going to get lunch. When we pulled up to the restaurant, they were all talking about being hungry. Why hadn't any of them spoken up?! I know it is tough to be the leader of the group. But the truth is, most people don't want to lead, are happy to go along with the crowd, and happy to have someone else make the plans. I was happy I could be that person to keep the day organized, productive and give people choices about what they were doing.

Out of Sorts

This was a weird week. Okay, no, the week was fine- kids had fun, the weather was perfect, everything went smoothly- but I felt out of sorts for some reason.

The kids were well behaved, but the most entitled, annoying group of demanding children I've ever worked with. The staff were struggling with them and I couldn't seem to help. Misbehaving kids, homesickness, cabin conflict- I am great with all of those situations, but it wasn't any of those. These kids were just really snotty and the staff just generally didn't like them as people. There weren't any problems for me to fix and I couldn't seem to motivate them or put anything in perspective. It was all just really weird.

We also had a volunteer nurse who was new this year and she just didn't understand camp. She didn't like the dirt, thought I was too young, had opinions about the staff and overall, I didn't like her. I pretty much spent the whole week wishing for her to go away. I attempted to talk with her- we had a 2 hour conversation and she asked lots of great questions and I had a chance to explain many aspects of how camp runs. But she still didn't get it and didn't seem to like me and yet, she talked a lot about "next year" which I found surprising since she didn't seem to be happy with her experience.

The first week of camp was so rainy that the whole week's schedule was changed and everything was different. This week should have been smooth, but we made some overall schedule changes and it made things feel a little hectic. I think the changes are for the best and I was glad I made them, but between the schedule and changed staff positions, I started to feel like I didn't know what I was doing. I felt like I was coming across as if I was making things up as I went along, despite the fact that changes were for the best and came after a lot of discussion, planning and thought. I'm hoping that this weekend will be a good change to "re-group" and get myself feeling a little more grounded.