Failure

The more I think about camp closing, the more upset I get about it.

In the past few months, I've lost hope for the future of camp, but I was hoping that if I stepped aside, SOMEONE could save it.

My resume as Executive Director is impressive. In 5 years, the camp has gone from $300,000 in debt to debt free. Camper retention has increased from 20% to 65%. I created a year round marketing plan, a fundraising strategy, administrative systems, policies, procedures, an organized budget, developed programming... I could go on.

In the first year alone, we took 5 dumpsters worth of garbage out of the buildings (not to mention the piles of junk we burned). My only regret from this entire experience is not taking pictures the first year. I was embarrassed by the condition of camp, but I wish I had documented the transition.

The truth of the whole situation is that they should have closed this camp 6 years ago. Two years earlier, the board had met and discussed closing down, but brought in a consultant who came up with a plan to save camp. They hired a new director and recommitted to the future of camp.

When they found out he'd been paying for his gambling habit on the camp credit card, they fired him and asked me if I thought I could run camp myself.

At 26, I was fearless, naive and thrilled to have the opportunity to be in charge. At the end of the summer, I confidently set up a meeting with the board, had my speech prepared, and was ready to convince them to let me be the Executive Director. I walked out with the job and really thought it must have been my impressive professional skills that convinced them to hire me. In hindsight, I think they probably thought, "eh, give the kid a chance and we'll close it when she gives up."

And for almost 6 years, at every meeting, I've been optimistic, energetic and filled with stories about the good work we are doing. Money has always been tight, recruitment has been difficult, but I think they let me run with it because it's always all worked out and they didn't have to worry about it.

The board has let me live my dream. They let me run off to the woods every summer and play. It didn't matter that our budget was in the red- donations always seemed to roll in at the last minute and there was always the credit line to fall back on. I've lost a lot of sleep over the budget, desperate to get it to balance, but I think for board, they never really expected to get there, and in the meantime, they felt good about the work we were doing. They knew that the end was imminent.

And yet, I feel like I failed. I feel like it is my fault. I know it isn't. I know that I did everything possible to make this camp successful and that I kept it going for 6 years longer than it should have been. "Dug the organization out of a hole" isn't on my resume. "Kept a sinking ship floating for 6 years" isn't on my resume.

But still, if I heard about a camp closing after 66 years, my first reaction would be to blame the director.  Because if the director was good at her job, the budget would be balanced, the fundraising dollars would be rolling in, the campers would be registered, and the camp would be successful.

I'm afraid of what people are going to think. I don't want to be blamed. I'm more disappointed that anyone, I tried harder than anyone. And this sucks.