My house is 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, and makes the most sense to be the staff house. In February the board president had the idea to buy a camper as temporary housing for me for the summer (until camp could raise the money to build a new house). I was skeptical, but still believed we would eventually raise the money and rebuild.
In February, the BF and I went camper shopping. I almost cried when we walked through the first few. I couldn't imagine spending the summer in something the size of a closet. But eventually, we found one that was in our price range, had high ceilings, was spacious, clean, and even airconditioned. We purchased the camper and I started getting used to the idea of a new camp home.
This weekend the camper was delivered and I'm actually sort of excited. It is a cool little place and it feels like it might be sort of an adventure. Years ago, MTV had a reality show called Road Rules. Six 20-somethings lived in an RV and traveled around. I DESPERATELY wanted to be on that show. In hindsight, I'm not sure what about that appealed to me, but my younger self is finally getting that wish.
In addition to camper delivery, it was also work weekend. Work weekend is usually such a happy time. It's amazing to see so many people come together to get camp ready for the summer and over the course of just a day or two, watch as new projects get completed and camp is transformed. It was difficult to be positive this year, knowing that this is the last summer. I struggled to smile and talk about the future when I just wanted to shrug my shoulders and say, "don't bother, this is it."
No one else knows we are talking about closing. Deep down, I am hoping that something changes and when we meet in the fall, there's a surprise donation of a million dollars or someone steps up and decides to keep it going. But in the meantime, staying upbeat and happy for everyone is not easy. I feel like I'm lying, like I'm hiding something. I guess that's sort of true...
Besides the stress of putting on a good face for everyone, I also had to move the rest of my dad's stuff out of the house. Right after he died, D and I came up and took all of the important, valuable, sentimental things out. But the house was still his, still filled with his things. Most of it was stuff I didn't want, but also didn't necessarily want to leave behind. I struggled to throw away anything with his writing on it and had to calmly tell myself I couldn't keep every old to do list and post it note.
We boxed everything up and now my garage is filled with stuff I don't know what to do with. I'm sure it will get easier as time goes by and every year I will be able to get rid of a few more things.
I'm trying to stay positive and find gratitude for small amounts of closure. But mostly I just want to kick my legs and say, "this sucks" over and over and over again.
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