Update

I used to write all the time because even when it wasn't the summer, I had a lot to say about camp. But I have only written once since camp ended.

I went into the summer 6 months after my dad died. Those six months were an absolute blur. I have photos and facebook posts from that time period and when I look back, I look normal, life seemed normal. But off the top of my head, I can't remember anything from those months. Grief is all consuming. I had no idea how difficult it would be.

I was nervous about facing camp without him, but I headed off to the woods and everything was ok. The summer started and life felt normal for the first time in a while and I was happy.

And then camp flooded. I can't put into words what it felt like to watch this place that I love so much, have loved for five years, that I worked, side by side with my dad to fix, get swallowed by the lake. Camp wasn't destroyed, we were lucky, but the weeks underwater and of the unknown were agonizing.

I ended the summer exhausted. But not just exhausted like normal, but beaten down. I felt defeated.

In October, I hired a full time Assistant Director. "A" has worked at camp for 4 years and just graduated from college. She has been my right hand man for years and I couldn't imagine anyone else would be able to love this camp unconditionally and believe in, no matter what, the potential for the future. She has been an exceptionally hard worker and has impressed me every single day. She is mature and professional beyond her years and if she hadn't been by my side for the past few months, I am sure that I would have given up.

For five years, I've been saying, "give me 5 years to turn this place around." I was convinced that I could change the reputation, gain recruiting momentum, raise enough money and make enough updates on the physical property that this would be a successful camp. 5 years later, there is a LONG list of MAJOR improvements that I've made, but we are still a struggling camp.

And as we get closer to the summer, I find myself more stressed out, more anxious, depressed, unmotivated, despondent. We need more money. We need more registrations.

I have done and am currently doing everything I know how to do. My dreams of a beautiful, successful camp seem impossible.