It's Not You, It's Me... Except That It's Mostly You

I used to get so excited about things I was working on for camp that I would work evenings, weekends,  and any free time I had. It didn't feel like a job- I enjoyed it too much to think of it as work. But for the past few months, I've had to drag myself to the office every day. I've not been sleeping well. I've been miserable. I've been feeling like a failure. I feel like I am terrible at my job.

When the consultant was at camp this summer, she had a lot of nice compliments for me. She told me I am a great camp director. Camp is doing amazing programming. I am doing great work marketing. The staff is outstanding. But there’s only so much you can do in a 65 year old camp that is run down and falling to pieces. We’ve done a lot of work in 5 years and I wish I had taken photos that first year because compared to then, we look like Club Med. We’ve done everything we can do with the updates my dad made, with paint, with the grounds work T has done- ultimately, we need a few million dollars and major renovations.

I appreciated her honesty, even though it hurt. Sometimes the truth hurts. I love this camp so much and I have such high hopes for what it could be. I didn’t realize how blind I was to reality. I didn’t think my perspective could change so quickly or so drastically, but her words were like putting glasses on for the first time and realizing that everything had been blurry because you are just seeing detail for the first time. All of a sudden, I’m looking around at my beloved camp, and for the first time, really seeing the age, noticing the disrepair. Much of it is covered in brightly colored paint, but this camp needs a lot of work. 

When I got back to the office this fall, I came up with a new, ambitious fundraising plan. I was beat down after a tough summer, but determined to throw myself back into the fight to make camp great. I raised almost twice as much money this year as last year. I've done more marketing than ever before. And yet, I feel like I am failing because I haven't been able to raise enough for the new buildings we need. 

So after months of telling myself, "no really you are a good camp director!" And after much thought and many conversations I have come to the conclusion that I need to find another job. I love this camp so much and I thought I would be here for the rest of my life. But I feel like I'm in a bad relationship and despite the love, I know that this isn't a healthy fit for my life anymore. I am a GREAT camp director. But this camp doesn't need a camp director.

This camp needs a fundraising expert. This camp needs a marketing expert. This camp needs someone with entirely different skills than I have. I've done everything I can do, but it's not enough.

So now I need to tell the board.... and then find a new job...