Grief

I had no idea what to expect with grief and maybe you can't truly understand until you go through it, but I wasn't prepared.

Right after my dad died, it was the feeling of being in a really bad dream that you can't wake up from. It's a combination of shock and dread, with utter terror at the realization that this really happened. It was awful.

But that stage passed and then I was filled with rage. Like, uncontrollable-I-could-be-violent-at-any-moment anger. I think some days I was a danger to the community around me, but other than a few inappropriate outbursts at the post office and the bank, I managed to make it through that stage without doing much damage.

I thought that the rage stage was bad until the next stage which was just utter and complete sadness. I cried constantly at every commercial and every song on the radio. I was just so sad.

The next stage, was the "caught in a traffic jam" stage. You know that feeling when you are stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and you can't move because you are surrounded by cars on every side of you? THAT is how I felt for months. I would sit in my office with a long to-do list and even though I was physically and intellectually capable of sending emails or taking care of business, I felt stuck, unable to move. I felt the same way at home, everywhere I went, actually. I thought the earlier stages were bad, but I was incredibly frustrated with myself during this stage. I took the semester off from grad school, gained 25 pounds, cut back on my volunteer positions, learned to live with a dirty house, stopped writing, watched a lot of tv, and did my best to function when I didn't feel physically unable.

Two weeks ago was work weekend. I cried the first hour and a half of the drive to camp. I drank a bottle of wine the night I arrived and I spent a lot of the weekend taking deep breaths and focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. Up until that weekend, I was doing my best to separate camp and my dad. Even on the trips to camp since he died, I've managed to forget that this place has been ours for the past 4 years. But work weekend was always our greatest collaboration and I didn't think I could get through it without him.

I'm not sure which stage I'm in now. I think I'm in the "discomfort" stage. Because grief is uncomfortable- like wearing clothes that are too tight. Have you ever worn a shirt that was too short or pants that were too tight and you spent the day pulling and re-adjusting and just so uncomfortable you wanted to scream? You want to rip everything off and put on sweatpants. It's not crippling, but it's distracting enough that it ruins your day... THAT is how grief feels. I feel uncomfortable and ready to scream and I just feel a little "off".

I think the summer is going to be difficult. My dad is everywhere, in every project he did in 4.5 years. I think someday when I have the advantage of hindsight, I will look back on this summer and know that facing grief by immersing myself in it is probably the best way to move forward, but right now, I'm unhappy at the thought of being there the whole summer. I alternate between rage, sadness, and feeling stuck. Camp is my great love and I can't imagine any other job or life, and yet, the idea of moving to camp in a few days is making me feel heavy with dread.

But I will go. I've started running again, started writing again, and I will go back to camp. Life will go on and the grief will subside eventually.