Mom Stuff

My mom left this afternoon and I'm sad she is gone. It has been so nice not to have to worry about 'X' while I am busy with staff training. I know that he's in good hands with someone who loves him. And I appreciate being taken care of too, especially when I am busy, sick and trying to balance the intense camp training schedule with a baby. I've always appreciated my mom, but now that I am a mom, and I have a tiny little human who relies on me for everything, I appreciate her even more. It's nice to be taken care of and her caring for me makes me a better mom. So I'm sad to see her go, but I know she'll be back a lot this summer.

Speaking of moms, yesterday was Nanny's birthday and she had asked me a few days ago if her mom and sister could come to camp after training ended (9pm) to stay with her in her room and they would leave the next day before training started (8am). Normally I would say no. We don't allow visitors during staff training. But it was such a pathetic request that I couldn't say no. I even suggested that they stay and join everyone for mass in the morning and leave from the church. I just couldn't stop thinking that, yes, she seems to old to want to hang out with her mom on her birthday. But then I thought about my baby and how sad I will be if I am not with him on his birthday, regardless of his age. And then I wanted to cry and so of course I said yes to a visitor during staff training.

After training ended tonight, I met with 'J' who arrived to camp today. Being present for all of staff training is mandatory and I generally won't hire someone if they can't commit to training. 'J' was scheduled to arrive on Thursday afternoon. Instead, I got a voicemail. "Hi this is 'J'. Everything is fine, but I rolled my car off the side of the road on the way to camp, so I don't think I'm going to be able to make it today... no, actually, I know I won't be able to be there today. I'll be there as soon as I can."

So, she figured out the one excuse that I couldn't possibly argue with.

Anyway, she arrived today and within minutes was literally the BEST staff member. She is outgoing, friendly, super happy, well spoken, she is perfect. I sat down with her to recap the last three days, but I started with, "so tell me what happened!"

A semi truck drifted into her lane, she went onto the gravel side of the road, overcorrected and ended up rolling her car. As in, she was hanging upside down by her seatbelt. With a smile, she told me how several nice people stopped to help her and helped break her car window to get her out of the car. She told the story so casually and she has such a naturally sunny disposition, I couldn't quite process the insanity of her story.

All I could say at the end was, "and your parents let you out of the house after all that?!" Because all I could think was that 'X' is never going to be allowed to drive, or ride in a car on the freeway, or in a car at all....

Being a mom is making me a much different camp director. When I first started out as a director, I was their peer. It was really difficult, because I wanted to hang out with them and be included, but I was separate, because I was their boss. As I got older, that separation became comfortable and each year, they seem younger and younger. But this year, they don't just seem young, when I look at them, I see babies. These are all someone's baby. It doesn't matter that they are 19 or 20. 'X' is 8 months and I have no idea how I will feel in 18 years, but right now, I feel like I want to wrap him in bubble wrap or buy one of those giant sterile bubbles and throw my body in between him and the world. And I don't know if I'll feel less protective when he's 19, but I have to think that if he rolls his car, I will never let him out of my sight from that moment on.

I'm not sure I am old enough to be a mother figure to any of them, although technically I am old enough that it is possible for me to have given birth to them. But the way I am looking at them this summer is different than ever before, because I see them with eyes of a mother, which makes everything and everyone look a little different than before.

Staff Training Year #9!

Today was the first day of staff training. I love staff training week. I love watching staff go from awkward, nervous strangers to outgoing, laughing friends in just a few days. I love watching them be creative. I love sharing every single detail about camp.

Today, however, I am sick. I started feeling sick yesterday and I woke up with no voice. NO VOICE! The first three days of training are literally hours and hours of me talking and I had no voice before I even started.

I had to save my voice for the sessions I really needed to lead, which meant that ‘M’ gave a lot of direction and lead all of the first get-to-know-ya games and songs.

For 8 years, I have started every staff training off with “the Great Big Moose” song. No one else knows that, but it’s my own tradition and I always feel like it’s the kick off. It was so weird for me as ‘M’ lead a different song. It’s such a small thing, and I know it doesn’t matter, but change is difficult and that was the first of many changes I know will be coming this week and this summer.

I made it through the day, doing my best to talk when I needed to and let ‘M’ and ‘A’ read power point slides or lead songs and games. The next two days are scheduled to be a lot of sessions lead by me, so I’m trying to rest and hoping that my voice miraculously comes back soon.

Flying Kites

Finding the joy

Today was the first day of lifeguard training. I always complain and dread lifeguard training, and then it starts and I remember that I actually really enjoy it. ‘N’ has been at camp since Saturday and has been taking care of ‘X’ so that I can work. It is really nice having him here.

I’ve only been at camp 5 days, but the most difficult part of this summer so far, has been that I feel really isolated and lonely. When I first started at camp, it was difficult to be close in age to the staff, but not a peer. It’s been many years since I have struggled with that. I’ve gotten comfortable in my role as the leader. I enjoy my time with staff and love the bond I have with the lead staff team.

But this summer, I’m completely disconnected. Since I’ve been here, my schedule has revolved around X’s nap and bedtime schedule. I have spent a lot of time in my trailer by myself while he sleeps.

It’s not terrible, but the fun part of pre-camp is all of the random things to do around camp. No, I don’t enjoy the specific acts of cleaning or carrying random things, but I enjoy being part of a team, accomplishing things that need to get done and the camaraderie of doing dirty, hard work together. But I’m not doing any of that. Because even when he is awake, I can’t help with those things with a baby strapped to my chest. A&M have made it clear that they don’t NEED me, and I know they are doing a great job. But I miss being part of things.

‘N’ being here to take care of the baby has given me the chance to finally spend some time just hanging out, chatting, laughing and being part of the group. Tonight after dinner, I took Olivia to the field to play and a few staff came out to fly kites and a few just to hang out and watch the kite flying. Flying a kite is the ultimate act of leisure. And watching them fly kites was hilarious and fun and wonderful and I haven’t laughed that much in a long time. Olivia was running after the ball, kites were floating through the air, the air was warm, everyone was in a good mood, joking around and I finally found the joy in camp that I have been missing this year. Tonight was the camp that I remember and love and look forward to be able to spend my summers.

I know that once the nanny is on duty and once I find a routine, camp will go back to being fun and (somewhat) carefree. And in the meantime, I just have to be patient and ok with the change this year. This summer is going to be different than the ones before it, but I know it will get better.

It Takes A Lot to Surprise Me

This is my 17^th summer of camp. I thought I was past being surprised, but I was wrong.

Today is the first staff arrival day. Everyone was supposed to be here between 1-5pm. Last night, I got a voicemail from a staff (‘E’). He asked if he could arrive early- he wanted to come last night. He said in his message that he didn’t have a cell phone. We attempted to call the landline on his application and assumed he wouldn’t come without confirming that it would be ok.

A&M said they went to bed (and turned off the house lights) around 11pm. He hadn’t arrived, so they figured he wasn’t coming.

I went out to the field to play with Olivia at 10am. I was singing to X and when we were finished playing, I turned to walk back towards my house and saw someone standing in front of the Welcome Center. I recognized ‘E’ from the picture he sent for the website.

I greeted him and asked where he had come from since I hadn’t seen a car. He said he had arrived the night before. My face was surprised and he said, “I hope you don’t mind, I put my stuff in there (the welcome center)”. I asked him where he slept (the cabins are so creepy when you are alone and especially if he arrived so late at night!). On that table (he pointed to the big picnic table that sits outside the welcome center). “WHAT?” I asked him. He assured me that he’d arrived after it had rained and that it was fine.

I couldn’t decide if I was going to cry because he was so pathetic that he slept on a damp hard table outside in the dark. Being a mom makes me imagine everyone as a tiny helpless baby.  OR, if I was annoyed at him for being dumb. Why didn’t he walk around and find a cabin? Why didn’t he sleep inside the welcome center? Why didn’t he find the humans that were at camp? Why didn’t he find a phone? And then I felt sad again because I wondered what kind of parents drop their baby (ok, yes, he’s 19, not a baby, but he’s SOMEONE’S baby!) in the dark without finding anyone?

He was very calm and easygoing and totally unfazed by the whole thing. I was HORRIFIED and continue to be COMPLETELY confused by his thought process. A&M and I agreed he’ll probably be a good camp staff since he has absolutely zero standards of comfort. But I can’t stop shaking my head in disbelief. 

Adjusting

Yesterday was rough. My house was still in shambles. I had tons of work to do. It was cold outside. And I had a very fussy baby. X is a VERY happy, easy-going baby. He sometimes goes the entire day without crying. But yesterday he was very aware that he was in an entirely different place and he was not interested in napping. He was clingy and every time I put him down, he cried.

Finally at 1pm, he hadn’t napped at all and he was so tired and so fussy. I brought him to my bed and wrapped my arms around him and petted his little head until he fell asleep. And then I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and was SO happy he’d slept so long. He was still asleep, so I wiggled out from under him and started typing as quietly as I could to try to do a little bit of work. 2 hours later he finally woke up. I don’t think he’s ever napped that long! He awoke a MUCH happier baby.

But by the late afternoon, I felt absolutely defeated. Moving to camp with a baby was NOT a one person job. I should have had my husband come with us for a few days, not waited until he was in an entirely different state on business.

My mom offered to come to camp to help out. She always offers to help- at home, when I’m at camp, wherever I am, I know that she will offer. I don’t often take her up on it, but yesterday I said yes and immediately began a mental countdown of how many hours until she arrived. I looked at X and said, “because sometimes even mamas need their mama” and felt relieved at just the thought of her coming to help.

This morning my mom arrived at 9am. She brought several bags of groceries, took Olivia out to play (despite the fact that it was drizzling), got X to take two good naps, cleaned my house, reorganized my closet, fixed my floor, washed dishes, made me lunch, and was back on the road home by 5:30pm. My mom is like an efficient tornado and I wish I had a fraction of the energy she has.

The last time she was at camp was when my face swelled shut from poison ivy and she took care of me for several of the worst days of my life. I wasn’t poison ivy level miserable this time, but I was definitely not doing well. It’s amazing that having her for just a day turned everything around.

She left, I gave X a bath and put him to bed and looked around at my clean house and felt better. I feel calmer and more settled and ready to take on the challenge of camp this summer. My mom reminded me several times today that I love this job and while I don’t quite feel like it right now, I know that when I have a few more days to settle in and the sun comes out, and I re-adjust to camp life, that I will go back to loving it. Until then, THANK GOD for my mom who came to take care of me when I needed her.

We've Arrived

Summer number 9 has officially begun (for me- A & M have been at camp for over 2 weeks now).

I’ve been going back and forth between desperately wanting to be at camp and then a minute later feeling utter dread at the thought. It’s always totally unknown- a 3 month adventure filled with surprises. That’s what I love about camp. And that is what is terrifying about camp.

For years, I’ve imagined the future would include a baby at camp. People have asked me what would happen when I got married and had a baby. I always just shrugged my shoulders and said, “bring it with me.” But now I have a baby and the thought of bringing him to camp has been keeping me up late at night.

But finally after imagining all of the “what ifs”, buying a second set of almost every baby item we have, packing for days and cramming the van full of stuff, Baby X, Olivia and I drove to camp this morning. The drive was smooth and went quickly.

When we arrived to camp, I knew Olivia would start freaking out immediately and demand to play. A screeching dog adds a level of intensity to arriving that I was dreading. Luckily A & M were ready for our arrival and there to greet us as we pulled up. ‘A’ took Olivia to the field ahead of me as the weather was a little colder than I’d expected, so I was bundling up the baby. Just as I had him in a sweatshirt, secured to me in his wrap, the heavens opened up and the rain POURED. Welcome to camp. ‘A’ stayed out on the field with Olivia, despite the rain. I stood awkwardly in the house, not sure what to do. I couldn’t bring a baby out in the rain. I couldn’t leave him in the house by himself. I felt guilty that ‘A’ was outside in the downpour with my obnoxious dog. Having a baby at camp will definitely be an adjustment for me…

The rain was INTENSE, but it only lasted 5 minutes and then the sun came back out. A, M and I unloaded my van and also ‘A’s car, which she had filled with all of the packages that had been arriving for me over the last few weeks. We got everything into the trailer and it was a MOUNTAIN of stuff. ‘A’ had stopped by my house when she was home this past weekend. She picked up the crib and high chair I got for camp and had both set up and ready for him. It was a relief to have something set up in the midst of a tornado of stuff.

While we carried everything in, X sat in his high chair for about 2 minutes before he started screaming. He is a very mild mannered baby and doesn’t scream very often. Sometimes I can make it through the entire day without him crying at all. So when he cries, it means he is upset. I was so thankful that they helped me carry everything inside (by help, I mean, carried everything while I tried to calm a screaming baby).

Olivia was soaking wet from the downpour, and when I went to fill her water dish, I found that there was no water in my trailer. Screaming baby, no water, wet dog, A&M carrying all of my stuff- I was pretty much ready to burst into tears. A quick call to our plumbing/mechanical guy got the water turned on. A& M went back to pre-camp work. Olivia relaxed. Baby X continued to scream every time I tried to put him down. As I sat perched on the edge of the couch (which was piled high with random stuff), and looked around at the mess I couldn’t fix, holding my unhappy baby, I reminded myself that it always takes a little while to settle in. I was surprisingly calm and didn’t cry.

Eventually he calmed down and I got almost everything cleaned, unpacked and organized. I still have more to do, but at 7pm, the baby was asleep and so the lights were off, and I had to try not to make any noise while moving around a tiny camper. I managed to unpack some things in the bedroom area, take a shower and then sit down to watch Netflix. Of course that was the moment the power went out- seriously, welcome to camp.

And so, we’re here. The wind is HOWLING and the power is out and I’m worried that the baby will be cold, will wake up and be scared that he is somewhere new… a million things. His crib is in the main room of the trailer and I am in the pop out bedroom. We are about 15 feet apart, but he feels far away from me. Every time the wind blows, I have to fight the urge bring him to bed with me or sleep on the floor in front of his crib.  

I know that we will both adjust, fall into a comfortable routine, settle in. But until then, I’m anxious, uncomfortable and not excited to be back to camp. Summer number 9 is off to a rainy, windy start…