Adjusting

Yesterday was rough. My house was still in shambles. I had tons of work to do. It was cold outside. And I had a very fussy baby. X is a VERY happy, easy-going baby. He sometimes goes the entire day without crying. But yesterday he was very aware that he was in an entirely different place and he was not interested in napping. He was clingy and every time I put him down, he cried.

Finally at 1pm, he hadn’t napped at all and he was so tired and so fussy. I brought him to my bed and wrapped my arms around him and petted his little head until he fell asleep. And then I fell asleep. I woke up an hour later and was SO happy he’d slept so long. He was still asleep, so I wiggled out from under him and started typing as quietly as I could to try to do a little bit of work. 2 hours later he finally woke up. I don’t think he’s ever napped that long! He awoke a MUCH happier baby.

But by the late afternoon, I felt absolutely defeated. Moving to camp with a baby was NOT a one person job. I should have had my husband come with us for a few days, not waited until he was in an entirely different state on business.

My mom offered to come to camp to help out. She always offers to help- at home, when I’m at camp, wherever I am, I know that she will offer. I don’t often take her up on it, but yesterday I said yes and immediately began a mental countdown of how many hours until she arrived. I looked at X and said, “because sometimes even mamas need their mama” and felt relieved at just the thought of her coming to help.

This morning my mom arrived at 9am. She brought several bags of groceries, took Olivia out to play (despite the fact that it was drizzling), got X to take two good naps, cleaned my house, reorganized my closet, fixed my floor, washed dishes, made me lunch, and was back on the road home by 5:30pm. My mom is like an efficient tornado and I wish I had a fraction of the energy she has.

The last time she was at camp was when my face swelled shut from poison ivy and she took care of me for several of the worst days of my life. I wasn’t poison ivy level miserable this time, but I was definitely not doing well. It’s amazing that having her for just a day turned everything around.

She left, I gave X a bath and put him to bed and looked around at my clean house and felt better. I feel calmer and more settled and ready to take on the challenge of camp this summer. My mom reminded me several times today that I love this job and while I don’t quite feel like it right now, I know that when I have a few more days to settle in and the sun comes out, and I re-adjust to camp life, that I will go back to loving it. Until then, THANK GOD for my mom who came to take care of me when I needed her.

We've Arrived

Summer number 9 has officially begun (for me- A & M have been at camp for over 2 weeks now).

I’ve been going back and forth between desperately wanting to be at camp and then a minute later feeling utter dread at the thought. It’s always totally unknown- a 3 month adventure filled with surprises. That’s what I love about camp. And that is what is terrifying about camp.

For years, I’ve imagined the future would include a baby at camp. People have asked me what would happen when I got married and had a baby. I always just shrugged my shoulders and said, “bring it with me.” But now I have a baby and the thought of bringing him to camp has been keeping me up late at night.

But finally after imagining all of the “what ifs”, buying a second set of almost every baby item we have, packing for days and cramming the van full of stuff, Baby X, Olivia and I drove to camp this morning. The drive was smooth and went quickly.

When we arrived to camp, I knew Olivia would start freaking out immediately and demand to play. A screeching dog adds a level of intensity to arriving that I was dreading. Luckily A & M were ready for our arrival and there to greet us as we pulled up. ‘A’ took Olivia to the field ahead of me as the weather was a little colder than I’d expected, so I was bundling up the baby. Just as I had him in a sweatshirt, secured to me in his wrap, the heavens opened up and the rain POURED. Welcome to camp. ‘A’ stayed out on the field with Olivia, despite the rain. I stood awkwardly in the house, not sure what to do. I couldn’t bring a baby out in the rain. I couldn’t leave him in the house by himself. I felt guilty that ‘A’ was outside in the downpour with my obnoxious dog. Having a baby at camp will definitely be an adjustment for me…

The rain was INTENSE, but it only lasted 5 minutes and then the sun came back out. A, M and I unloaded my van and also ‘A’s car, which she had filled with all of the packages that had been arriving for me over the last few weeks. We got everything into the trailer and it was a MOUNTAIN of stuff. ‘A’ had stopped by my house when she was home this past weekend. She picked up the crib and high chair I got for camp and had both set up and ready for him. It was a relief to have something set up in the midst of a tornado of stuff.

While we carried everything in, X sat in his high chair for about 2 minutes before he started screaming. He is a very mild mannered baby and doesn’t scream very often. Sometimes I can make it through the entire day without him crying at all. So when he cries, it means he is upset. I was so thankful that they helped me carry everything inside (by help, I mean, carried everything while I tried to calm a screaming baby).

Olivia was soaking wet from the downpour, and when I went to fill her water dish, I found that there was no water in my trailer. Screaming baby, no water, wet dog, A&M carrying all of my stuff- I was pretty much ready to burst into tears. A quick call to our plumbing/mechanical guy got the water turned on. A& M went back to pre-camp work. Olivia relaxed. Baby X continued to scream every time I tried to put him down. As I sat perched on the edge of the couch (which was piled high with random stuff), and looked around at the mess I couldn’t fix, holding my unhappy baby, I reminded myself that it always takes a little while to settle in. I was surprisingly calm and didn’t cry.

Eventually he calmed down and I got almost everything cleaned, unpacked and organized. I still have more to do, but at 7pm, the baby was asleep and so the lights were off, and I had to try not to make any noise while moving around a tiny camper. I managed to unpack some things in the bedroom area, take a shower and then sit down to watch Netflix. Of course that was the moment the power went out- seriously, welcome to camp.

And so, we’re here. The wind is HOWLING and the power is out and I’m worried that the baby will be cold, will wake up and be scared that he is somewhere new… a million things. His crib is in the main room of the trailer and I am in the pop out bedroom. We are about 15 feet apart, but he feels far away from me. Every time the wind blows, I have to fight the urge bring him to bed with me or sleep on the floor in front of his crib.  

I know that we will both adjust, fall into a comfortable routine, settle in. But until then, I’m anxious, uncomfortable and not excited to be back to camp. Summer number 9 is off to a rainy, windy start…

Pre-Camp

It’s pre-camp season and I’m in the city. It feels weird. Most years, I’ve moved to camp right after mothers day and my birthday. This year, I’m not moving until June 1 and it feels so weird.

A&M are at camp. They are organizing, cleaning, planning programming and training, and all of the other random pre-camp stuff. I’ve face-timed with them several mornings, exchanged a million emails, calls and texts. I am working on staff training and pre-camp stuff too. But I’m not THERE.

I feel disconnected and I feel like I’m missing out. I don’t enjoy cleaning buildings that have been closed down for 9 months. I don’t enjoy moving heavy boxes of stuff around camp. But it’s all part of camp and I shouldn’t be missing out.

At the same time I am feeling so left out of camp, I am SO anxious about bringing my baby to camp. I’m sure all parents say the same thing about their babies, but my baby is PERFECT. He has beautiful, perfect skin with pink chubby cheeks. He has perfect blue eyes and blond hair and he is beautiful. He looks like a china doll.

My favorite childhood memories are from our cabin in the woods, playing in mud puddles, playing outside all day, running around the woods, playing in the lake, exploring the forest. When I talked about my future and someday having children at camp, I imagined myself as a calm, earthy mom who would allow her children to roam free, wind in their hair, playing in the dirt, carefree, outdoorsy. But now, I have this perfect doll like baby and all I want to do is find a giant plastic bubble and hover over him every second of the day.

I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night thinking about sunburn, bug bites, poison ivy, germy campers, dust and dirt and I just can’t imagine my perfect, pristine baby getting dirty.

The great thing about pre-camp is that it is an adjustment period that allows me to ease back into life in the woods. And the problem with not actually being at pre-camp is that I am not in the adjustment phase, I’m in the anxiety phase and that’s not going to get better until I get to camp. 

Work Weekend

I have loved this camp for almost 9 years now. I have often compared it to a marriage- I’ve loved camp for better and for worse, the good times and bad. I love everything about camp, including all of it’s flaws- bugs, dirt, weather- it’s all part of camp’s charm. I love this place so much and I don’t even see the flaws.

And then I brought a baby to camp.

I read a description of a kid who got glasses for the first time, looking at a tree and being in awe of all the leaves. Before glasses, the kid could only see a blur and when he could see clearly, it was then that all of the detail was clear for the first time.

This weekend was work weekend and the first time I’ve been back to camp since I left in August. And the first time I brought Baby X to camp.

It was like I was seeing camp for the first time with glasses. I could see every spec of dirt. I felt like my eyesight was superhuman and I was able to see microscopically. And oh was it terrifying! Every surface needed to be scrubbed, every piece of furniture was covered in germs from a million sweaty, dirty people sitting down, every nook and cranny seemed to be filled with bacteria and mold and germs and dirt and every other terrible thing you shouldn’t be near.

I walked into the staff house and held onto my baby as tightly as I’ve ever held him, looking around at filth, thinking, “I will never be able to put him down”.

Eventually I calmed down a little bit. Work weekend was a huge success- great weather, hard working volunteers, lots of projects completed. X was happy to look around while strapped to my chest and I tried to take deep breaths and reach deep inside myself to find the love that has burned so passionately all of these years for the place that I consider my second home.

This should be a very interesting summer…

The Best Laid Plans...

The last time I blogged, I was excited to have a busy and productive October and get everything all set before I had a baby.

Friday, October 2, I was organizing things on my desk and looked over at 'M' and said, "it's so crazy because in a few weeks, I am going to be in the office one day and then the baby will come and I just won't be back to the office the next day!"

I left the office and at 5:45 that evening, my water broke. 6 weeks early!

I called my doctor who told me to come to the hospital. "I had other plans this weekend!" I told him. I hadn't even packed my hospital bag yet. I ran around my house, throwing random things in a bag, shouting at the dogs that this wasn't supposed to be happening. 'N' was an hour away, coming back from a golf event, so I drove myself to the hospital.

Baby X was born at 8:28pm. He was 4 pounds 14 ounces- the tiniest baby I'd ever seen in real life. He was healthy and breathing perfectly (which is the big concern when babies are so early). It turns out, 3 weeks of steroids probably really helped his little lungs and after some additional googling, I found out that sometimes they give women steroids to help build up baby lungs if they think the baby is going to be early. Apparently suffering through the agony of itchiness was worth it to help my baby.

He was in an incubator for 4 days and in the NICU for 10 days before we could bring him home. I spent every day at the hospital. I held him as much as I could, but mostly, babies that small just need to stay warm and grow, so I spent a lot of time sitting next to his plastic box while he slept. I brought my computer each day and worked on raising $10,000.

After 10 days, we got to bring him home and it was sort of exciting, but also, newborns sleep a lot, so I worked a lot.

At the end of October, we registered over 150 kids for early bird registration and I ended up raising $19,000 (NOT including the $10,000 match!).

I've had a baby for almost 2 months and so far I'm balancing baby and work. One month maternity leave was probably a little impractical in hindsight. X's due date was November 10, and the hospital recommended not even taking him out of the house until his due date, so that's more than a month. However, I've been working every day and so, while I'm not in the office, I'm also not completely on maternity leave.

I'm still not sure what exactly I'm going to do with "maternity leave". I can't imagine handing this TINY baby over to anyone to take care of, but I also don't know how long I can continue to not be in the office. I'm a bit anxious about the whole situation, but I'm making it work for now. 

So Much Excitement

September is almost over and that means the baby will be here in a little over a month!

At the end of the summer, I hired 'M' as the full time, year round Director of Programming. I am super excited to have her year round and it's nice to know that 'A' won't be alone while I am on maternity leave.

I have not figured out a plan for maternity leave yet. I think I will take a month, but that seems like such a long time to be out of the office. I just can't imagine not working. I know 'A' and 'M' are very capable, but it just seems so crazy to think I won't be working. I keep saying, "we'll see" when people ask me about maternity leave, because I just can't say, "I'm going to be out for a month". Maybe I'll feel different when the baby comes, but right now, it is causing me so much anxiety.

October is going to be super exciting and the timing is great.

Early bird registration kicks off October 1 and ends at the end of the month.

One of my board members made the craziest, most exciting awesome offer of all time- if I can raise $10,000 by the end of October, he will MATCH it with a $10,000 donation! It's a lot to raise in one month, but I am confident I can do it.

It will be nice to go on maternity leave with early bird registration complete and $20,000 in the bank! I will feel much less anxious, knowing that those two areas are in such good shape.

Another Summer Complete

Summer is over and I am relieved. There were a lot of great memories this summer, but it was also one of the most difficult.

I haven't slept through the night for over a month. For weeks, it was unbearable itching from poison ivy, but it is also the need to pee every two hours. It's feeling fat and miserable and being unable to get comfortable in any position. Yes, I know when I have the baby, I will have to wake up a lot, but in no way does that make me feel less miserable or tired right now.

Sleepless nights and physical discomfort are making me miserable. But it's really been the emotional side of things that has been harder. I have felt obsolete all summer. 'A' and 'M' are both confident and skilled at the jobs, and I know they don't NEED me, but they have been so incredibly dismissive all summer, it's made me feel invisible. I know that they are trying to be nice and encourage me to rest and relax, but I find myself asking, "why am I even here at camp?"

On camp clean up day, it was approximately 500 degrees outside. I couldn't help pull docks in, carry canoes or picnic tables. I couldn't really do anything. So I sat in my air conditioned trailer while everyone else worked. It's funny, because if I could have helped, I would have been thinking, "ugh, I hate carrying heavy canoes! I wish I could sit with my feet up while someone else does this!" But not being ABLE to help and not being part of the group was hard.

I'm also starting to get a little nervous, because, well, I'm having a BABY. And he's coming soon! November will be here soon! I have so much work to do between now and then. And then next summer, I'm going to have a BABY! How am I going to bring a baby to camp?!

Anyway, I'm happy this summer is over and I can go home. Next summer will be a whole new adventure, but I'll deal with that later!

Poison Ivy

About 2.5 weeks ago, I was playing with Olivia and the ball rolled into the woods. I ran after it, looked down and thought, "oh, there's a lot of poison ivy here. We should really spray because some people are really allergic."

I'm not, so it wasn't a big deal that I ran through it. I've grown up playing in the woods and spend the last 16 summers at camp, poison ivy just isn't a think I have to worry about.

 Did you know that your immune system can change when you are pregnant?

After walking through poison ivy, I had a little bit of itching on my feet. I didn't think anything of it.

Pretty soon, my hands were itchy too. I noticed that but figured it would go away quickly.

I got a little spot of itchiness on my jawline. Annoying. I put some calamine lotion on it.

And then I woke up and looked like this. And that was when I started paying attention. I called the doctor, who said because I am pregnant, there isn't much they can do, so just keep putting the poison ivy cream on it.

It got a little worse and so I called the doctor back. I went in and they said, "well actually, we can put you on a round of steroids." I did a lot of googling and found that women can take steroids during pregnancy.

Day 8 of poison ivy, I woke up and couldn't open my eyes. I knew I was in trouble and called 'A' from my bed. I called my mom and asked her to come to camp.

In 8 years, that was the first Friday I've ever missed. I lead the end of the week chapel and I lead the parent program. I love both of those. I have never missed them.

Instead, my mom came and drove me to the emergency room. The doctor there told me he could give me a steroid shot. I wish we would have done that 8 days ago, but there's risk with everything when you are pregnant, so it's better to be cautious.

I've never been more miserable than I had been these past 8 days. I had poison ivy EVERYWHERE- my feet, legs, hips, stomach, back, arms, hands, chest, and face. Every part of me felt like I was on fire with itchiness and absolutely nothing offered relief.

My mom spent several days taking care of me. She cooked, cleaned, played with the dogs, gave me ice packs for my face, and was nice to me while I lay on the couch in misery.

It took almost 3 weeks, two rounds of steroids and a steroid shot for my face to go back to normal and the itching to go away. I'm concerned my baby is going to come out with giant muscles from all of the steroids, but none of the doctors, including my obgyn have been concerned and if the itching had gone on any longer, I think I would have torn off all of my skin.

This was the most miserable experience of my entire life and I am so thankful it is over.

Boy or Girl??

It's the first week of camp and we're off to a great start. Everything is going well and I'm feeling great. This summer is going to be fantastic.

Today was an exciting day because I had my 18 week ultrasound which is the one that they tell you if you are having a boy or a girl. I drove home early this morning and 'N' and my mom were both with me.

Earlier this week, we asked the kids to cast their vote of what I was having. Some kids misunderstood- they thought they were voting to decide which I would have. So we had to explain science and then eventually I think they got it.

Baby didn't want to cooperate at the appointment. It's little legs were crossed and I was like, "I have a camp full of kids waiting! We have to find out today!" After some ice water and walking around, we got our answer!

When I got back to camp, I had colored chalk powder (the kind from a color run) and at the talent show, the lead staff threw the powder at the white shirt I was wearing...

Our future camper is a BOY!!

The kids and staff cheered (I think they would have cheered either way) and it was fun to share our special moment with the whole camp!

Future Camper on Board

Summer #8 is here.

As if each summer wasn't enough of an adventure, this year, I have a "future camper on board".

Pregnant at camp.

I'm 18 weeks pregnant. My first trimester ended when I arrived for pre-camp. I have never been so tired in my entire life as I was first trimester. So far, I'm feeling much more energetic in my second trimester (which lasts until the week I go home at the end of the summer), so I'm hopeful that being pregnant at camp will go smoothly.

A New Start

Camp ended and we sat around doing nothing for 2 months (well not nothing, we planned a wedding!). And then at the end of October, the board agreed to let me save camp and it began a whirlwind of nonstop activity.

Typically, early bird registration ends October 31. We hadn’t even announced that camp would be open at that time this year. So we got down to business and planned everything that needed to be planned and I met with a bunch of people and sent literally a million emails and tried to reassemble a board of directors from scratch.

We had a “goodbye” party for our old board in December and a few days ago, had a “brainstorm day” for prospective board members and friends of camp. Considering that I started this whole adventure with the plan to burn down a building, I’ve made a lot of progress.

The future is still completely uncertain. The board president ‘J’ helped me renegotiate the terms of our loan and essentially “bought” me two years.

Two years.

I should be able to get my shit together in two years, right?

By “get my shit together” I mean rebuild a board, come up with a strategic plan, figure out how to triple our annual fundraising, and continue to run the organization on a day to day basis.

I spend a lot of days thinking about climbing under my desk, but I’m also making a lot of progress. I had 15 people at the brainstorm day. Not all want to be board members, but everyone had a LOT of great suggestions, were incredibly supportive and surprisingly, didn’t think I was as insane as I feel. I’m making new connections every day and I am starting to put details under the to do list heading of “fix camp”, which is sort of a big “to do” item.

Two years.