I was up and out of my house at 5:45 this morning. We were supposed to have an award ceremony at breakfast this morning, but I didn't have any awards yet. So I got up early to do them. Except that my printer is broken and my boss had his computer locked. I didn't know the password. So I had to change breakfast award ceremony to later, which made me feel like a bit of a failure, but it eventually worked out. We were also having a closing day ceremony for the parents and I didn't know how it was supposed to go, just that I was supposed to get up in front of all of them. Between the printing situation and the lack of preparation, I was a complete wreck. The worst part about being a wreck here is that I have to smile and be confident and sure and sing songs and be kind. I can't just freak out. Which means in addition to freaking out on the inside, I'm acting on the outside. Being professional sucks.
Anyway, I figured out how to print and got the newspaper printed and copied in the nick of time, some awards created, and then parents arrived and, in the midst of my internal mental breakdown, as always, surprised myself with the professional, happy, calm, cool, eloquent words that came flying out of my mouth. I held it together, looked like i knew what I was doing and eventually, we got everyone on the bus or into cars, and I survived. I didn't cry, I didn't die. And I think I fooled almost everyone into believing that I'm confident and calm in the midst of a million things going on.
I held a staff debrief and braced myself as I asked everyone to tell me what we can fix and do better for next week. I was expecting to have my ass handed to me, but instead, I got a lot of encouragement and the few things people suggested weren't things I did wrong, rather, new ideas or creative changes. It was a wonderful meeting.
Because of budget cuts, we no longer have a cleaning staff, so after a crazy, exhausting week, my staff and I jumped right into cleaning bathrooms and mopping floors. Not a good way to end the week (I had to plunge a very clogged toilet), but necessary and we finished quickly. Now we are all relaxing. We have the rest of today and tomorrow to recover and be ready to jump back into things on Monday with the new groups of campers.
I have a million things I want to do for camp, but I also want to read a book, call all of my patient friends and family whose calls I missed all week, lay around, watch Real World online... the list goes on.
The first week is over. Whew. I feel like I was hit by a truck... in a good way... but still, I'm drained. I'm exhausted and still slightly overwhelmed and really happy with how the first week went, but also really emotionally drained, because living out your dream can sometimes be really intense. I have also learned what the word humility means. I knew the definition before this week, but I have LEARNED what it means to be humble over and over again.
I am in charge, but I am new, and therefore, I don't always know how everything goes, yet, I have to be the leader. Which means I spent a fair amount of the week smiling and saying, "oh, really. Okay, well I will fix that for next time." Or, I would corner the veteran staff and ask them a million questions about how last year worked, which made me feel like a failure, because, shouldn't I just know everything? But I think everyone is cool with the fact that I don't know, but I am TRYING. Sometimes effort and good intentions go a long way. Now I just need to learn to be more kind and patient with myself and not beat myself up for not being perfect.
Also, in my defense, I'm not as big of an idiot as I appeared, it's just that my boss didn't exactly tell me everything, or he would tell me his version and then the returning staff would tell me the actual version. But I had to be professional and humbly admit to all of my mistakes, even though I wanted to stomp and pout and say, "ugh! His fault, he didn't tell me!" But I didn't.
My wonderfully sweet Assistant Director was so helpful and encouraging all week, which I was thankful for every moment. He told me I was doing a good job and that while I may feel like a crazy idiot, it's mostly behind the scenes and other people don't notice every little flaw. He is a very genuine, wonderful person, so his compliment meant a lot to me.
Next week will be easier because I will know what to expect and the staff will be more prepared too, so I'm eager for that. Also, for as critical as I am of myself, I have to say, the first week was WONDERFUL. The kids were all safe, happy and always looked like they were having fun. The staff was creative and enthusiastic, patient and flexible, helpful and positive. They are a dream to work with. There were so many moments that I looked around at them and was filled with pride. They are such kind and loving people, and they are all here because they love kids.
It was a crazy week, but also wonderful and I know this is what I am meant to be doing. So I guess if after all the scrambling and stress, at the end of the week the kids and staff were safe and happy and I still love my job, so I can call week 1 a success!
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