Unnecessary Drama

Work Weekend is an annual event that camp has had for the past 3 years. About 100 volunteers come to camp for the weekend and help with raking, building and cleaning projects around camp. Camp provides the food and it's a great weekend. The Board member who has planned it for the past few years is a bit of jerk who I can't stand, so I try to put on a smile anytime he speaks and remind myself to be polite. So when he said, "I need you to arrange the keg and I will take care of the cigars" I smiled and said, "ok" although I was a bit taken off guard. I didn't know we were hosting a frat party, nor do I think it is appropriate for a camp that can barely make payroll to provide a keg.

He said it as matter-of-factly as anything else, and no one else seemed to react. I was both taken off guard and also not prepared to disagree with him as the entire table consisted of me, my assistant J and 13 men in their 50s wearing suits. I am still thrown off every time I sit down at the head of the table and say, "okay, let's begin the meeting" as I face all of them, knowing that many of them have children my age. And so I am not yet comfortable enough to be confrontational.

After the meeting, I had another meeting and so I had to practically run out of the room in order to make it on time and so I didn't have a chance to talk to anyone. However, when I got back to the office, J literally lunged at me and immediately starting rapid-fire ranting about how inappropriate a keg is and as a parent (her teenage son is a leader-in-training who will be at Work Weekend with me) she is completely unhappy to know we are providing alcohol... and then our part time helper who comes in once a week joined in, letting me know her mom was planning to volunteer and bring a group of kids and how unhappy she would be...

Calmly I said, "yes, I agree and I will deal with it" although what I really meant was, "chill out, I know, I know, I'm fully aware I have to email our 50 year old board president and scold him."

So I sent a nice email mentioning that I didn't think it was a good idea we serve alcohol (because, ps, it is a dry camp at all other times). And he responded with: "I understand everyone's feelings and expressed to [Board member] that a keg and cigar's around the fire might be a bit much and definitely should never be mixed with staff or children in their presence.

The other side of the issue is that we are asking a bunch of men up to do some extremely physical labor as volunteers. I am wondering if you would be willing to discuss that group, separated on their own away from all others, having a beer afterwards on their own."

To which I immediately typed out a 15 paragraph rant that boiled down to "oh no you did not..." Seriously, did he just attempt to justify with, "you're a girl, you don't get it?" Hello, am I the Executive Director or just a little girl he let's play pretend as long as I agree? And yes, I was just as huffy and outraged and throwing my hands around as it sounds as I typed my rant back.

And then I stopped, deleted it and waited for 2 days until I could respond without moving my head and neck in that super attitude way.

Eventually I responded with, "...We have all volunteers, staff and other guests (family camp, etc) sign a code of ethics, agreeing not to use alcohol, tobacco or drugs while at camp. It seems like a double standard to all those things during work weekend because it’s “a bunch of men up to do some extremely physical labor as volunteers”.

I always think through “worst case scenario” and in this case, if something were to happen, I am not sure how I would explain a decision to ignore our policy. There doesn’t seem to be a good reason to do so. I am thinking about the families, campers and staff I will have at camp that weekend, and I feel that it’s not in their best interest (nor any of the other volunteers who might not drink or smoke) to create this atmosphere.

If this is that big of an issue, I am willing to discuss it further, but I am just not sure why we wouldn’t be consistent and treat this situation the same as any other. I can’t think of any other scenario I would allow a group to bring alcohol and tobacco to camp, much less provide it for them. I feel like it completely undermines our policy and sets us up for trouble..."

To which he responded "Understood, I accept your logic and leadership on this issue. I will speak with [Board member] and communicate that the decision comes from both of us."

At which point I withdrew my fangs, took a deep breath and realized that I need to chill out and not get so defensive. I need to be more confident in my leadership ability because clearly other people see me as such and are respectful. And despite my initial knee-jerk reaction, I am actually pretty logical, calm, practical and know what I'm doing. I don't know why I feel so threatened and get so bent out of shape. I really hope that as I get older and feel more comfortable in my role, and stop seeing myself as a kid that's faking it, I will stop allowing emails like this to get me so worked up. Because, in the end, all of the ranting was pointless.

Travelin'

December- New York, January- volunteering in the city for 4 days, February- Maryland, and Texas, March- volunteering in the city for 3 days, and now, once again, I find myself away from my baby puppy, in a hotel. But this is the last trip until I go to camp and I'm relieved. I love to travel, but I'm exhausted.

This week I am at a camping conference, spending time in sessions learning new ideas about all things camp. Techniques for staff training, new games, rethinking your dining hall menu, how to make a camp stove out of a pop-can... and so on. I get to talk to camp people about camp and already, I have 50 things I want to do this summer.

And today I got to ride in a limo.

The conference hotel is about an hour outside the city. It doesn't have a shuttle and when I looked up taxis, I found it was going to be $100 to get here! So I called the hotel and asked if they recommended any taxi service that might be cheaper and they directed me to a car service. For $45, I arranged a car to pick me up. I was slightly surprised when I walked out of the airport and was greeted by a stretch limo. A bit overkill if you ask me, but I've never been in a limo before, and I enjoyed it immensely. I touched all of the buttons and turned the ceiling light show on, although I resisted stretching my whole body out along the long seat.

When I arrived to the hotel, there were 4 camp vans outside, with people unloading pillows and backpacks. I was slightly embarrassed to get out of a limo, and I wanted to explain to everyone near me that it was really just the cheapest option, and see, I'm rockin' my favorite camp shirt, I'm just like all of you (funny side note, when I called my best friend to tell her about my sweet ride, she said, "I bet you looked awesome getting into a limo wearing khakis, keens and an oversize camp shirt under a vest" ...how well she knows me...).

Anyway, it's a camping conference and there couldn't be a better way to get ready for summer. Just 2 months away!!!!...

Office Help

Olivia doing some filing in the office.

She chewed the corner of the box and destroyed the lid, but she did her best to help out, so that has to count for something.

If I Had Known Then...

Dear High School Self-

Congratulations on all of your honors classes, straight A's and impressive resume. Someday you will be happy that you made so much effort. But I want to give you some advice.

Honors theology is pointless. You will never, ever use any of it, it won't come up in conversation and you will forget most of the topics and books you read. Likewise, honors biology is also pointless because you won't do anything with science in your career. Honors English is a good class. You will eventually write a blog that, like, 5 or 6 people read, and it will be important to be able to put together concise sentences. As for the rest of your classes, it's super great you get straight A's and your teachers think you are so smart. Enjoy it.

Here's the bad news. You know how self righteous you are about your impressive classes? In the long run, the smarter thing would be to drop some of them and take auto shop. Because in your future, trigonometry, chemistry and history won't help you when your car dies on a major interstate. Basic knowledge, besides what color and how to put gas in it would be useful. A+ papers and tests won't do you any good, so stop acting like those things somehow make you a better person. You go on to run a nonprofit camp, not a career in academia, so seriously, learn some practical things- book smarts aren't going to do you any good. And when your car is not just dead on a major interstate freeway, but also an exit ramp, all of the people honking at you and giving you dirty looks really won't care that you were ranked 4th in your class in high school.

Also, on a different note, date more now so that by the time you are 26, you won't be so awkward.

Love,

Future Self (owner of a 1998 chevy cavalier that doesn't have shocks, a heater and randomly dies when you're on the freeway)

...

I wish I had actually got that letter in high school. But I didn't, so I'm learning those things now... The hard way.

Puppy Stages

Every morning since I brought Olivia home last November, we have done the same thing. I pick her up off my bed (which is very high) and carry her downstairs (which are very steep) and bring her to the back door to go outside.

But this morning, when I reached for her, she walked to the end of the bed, climbed onto her chair that is sitting at the end of the bed, and then climbed down the little staircase that is against the chair (I set all of that up because I envisioned that someday she would be able to get on and off the bed without me, but so far, she only uses it to get ON the bed, never to get off). After she got off the bed, she walked to my bedroom door, and when I opened it, she walked down the hall to the big staircase, and, to my absolute shock, proceeded to climb down the stairs, walk to the back door and then go outside.

At 40 pounds, she is really heavy, and carrying her down the stairs is not the easiest job. She's going to get bigger and I have been hoping that eventually she would be able to do that, but to actually see her do it was amazing. She learned! She's growing up. I wanted to cry. I felt so proud. My baby is not a baby anymore.

And then there was the kitchen incident...

After her big morning, we went about our normal routine, except that I was volunteering all day and overnight. My roommates both had long days and wouldn't be home until late in the evening. Olivia is not used to being alone for any amount of time. She is either with me or at day care, and on rare occasions, she stays in the kitchen for a few hours. But today, I couldn't take her to day care and I couldn't have her with me. I went home halfway through the day and let her outside, fed her, played with her and spent time with her. I left around 4pm and D-Train was coming home at 8:30pm.

I got the call around 9:30. "Do you know what I've been doing for the last 40 minutes?" he asked.

Olivia had knocked over the garbage can, spread coffee grounds and other trash around the kitchen. She also managed to open our pantry door, dig out a Costco size box of hot chocolate packets, tear them open and spread chocolate powder all over the room (and herself). My first concern was if she was okay, but D-Train didn't think she had eaten much of the mess, mostly just spread everything around.

This is the first time she's been destructive or made a mess, so I was surprised. But she also hasn't been left very much. She let her opinion on that matter be known, loud and clear. My baby is not just growing up, but she's getting an attitude...

Rally Day!

We had our first ever Rally Day for camp today. The YMCA has been doing this event for years to kick off registration, get people excited and get the word out. I decided to steal the idea and try it for us. A local church that has a bowling alley/teen center type area offered it to us and so we had free bowling, face painting, a coloring contest, door prizes and pictures with the camp dog.

I woke up absolutely sick to my stomach and if there had been anyone to call to get out of going, I would have. Unfortunately, it was my event, so I had to go. I haven't been that nervous in a very long time. I was so worried that no one would come. I was terrified it would be me and my volunteers sitting in an empty building. Or worse, only one family would show up and we would awkwardly follow them around because they were the only ones there.

But everything went well! We didn't sell out like some of the Y camps do but we had several families come and they all looked really happy and like they were having a really good time. I am confident that they will all say good things about it and next year it will be an even bigger event. I know that years from now, we will look back on the first year of Rally day and smile. And I'm proud of myself for that.

Back Home

Good bye sunny 80 degrees. Goodbye beautiful gated community filled with gleaming swimming pools, immaculate golf courses, expensive cars, fancy houses and a private airstrip for the neighbors with their own airplanes. It was fun playing house in luxury.

Goodbye nice SUV with shocks and working brakes- I was completely spoiled by that convenience, but it was a nice change of pace from what I usually drive.

Good bye cutest little boys on the planet. You woke up every day at 6am, but you were hilarious and your cuteness melted the early morning angst as soon as I saw you. I think if I was guaranteed that I could have kids as sweet and smart and lovely as you, I might someday consider reproducing.

I'm home from my trip and it's definitely bittersweet. I don't get to see the boys very often and I definitely enjoyed spending time with them. But I love my life and I missed my dog and I'm happy to be home.

I Forgot About This Story

I forgot to write about this story at the beginning of the week with the boys.

Scene: two little boys playing on a trampoline. I am 10 feet away. I turn my back for like, 1 second and immediately hear, "ouch! He kicked me!.... It was an accident.... He kicked me!"

I spin around and stare at the boys. They freeze, unsure of what I'm going to do.

"Are you injured? Is any part of you hurt?" I ask the 4 year old

"No, but he kicked me" -4 year old.... "It was an accident" -6 year old

I hold up my hand and they both freeze.

"Well, kick him back and then you'll be even." -me

Stunned silence. They both stare at me, unmoving. On their faces is an expression that, even for little boys, clearly says, "what were mom and dad thinking? Who is this person and is she qualified to be watching us?"

After, I am not exaggerating, 20 seconds of no movement or sound, I say, "You guys need to be careful when you play and you need to be kind to each other. Can you play nicely?"

They both nod.

"Okay, play."

They went back to playing and I didn't hear, "he ______ to me" for the rest of the week. Maybe they're the sweetest kids alive or maybe I rock at conflict resolution. I don't know. But it was an easy week for behavior.

Rhyming

Chapter!

Chapter rhymes with "raptor".

He's going to bring a chapter book.

I totally rock at this.

Details

"Show and tell tomorrow- two things that rhyme". That was the note on the sign-in sheet at preschool today.

"I want to bring a raptor and a flaptor... what does a flaptor look like?" -4 year old S.

"Um, I'm not sure. I'll work on it today." -me

-something for show and tell

On the list of things I need to remember. Check.

I don't know if I was prepared for all of the random details that are part of a 4 and 6 year old's life. J needs running shoes on Tuesday and Thursday for gym class. He has to wear a white tee shirt and jeans for the kinder-rodeo day on Friday. S likes cheese pizza and J likes peperoni. J gets homework Tuesday-Thursday- check his backpack every day. J needs a snack in the side pocket of his backpack, and water in his water bottle. S doesn't need a snack, and apple juice goes in his water bottle.... I could go on.

But the funny thing is, I'm pretty good at this. Well, I don't know if I'm good yet. Their mom is good. She's GOOD. You should see the schedule and the lists she left. She's AMAZING. I'm not at her level yet, but I'm holding my own. The kids are fed and clean. We lay out their clothes at night, their teeth are brushed. They have been on time to school every day and have gotten a bedtime story every night. In between driving to and from school, I've managed to get laundry done, hotdish made, the floors washed, art supplies ready for the afternoon and even gotten some work done. Not too shabby for my first attempt at stay-at-home-mom.

I've been called "evil" a few times due to the fact that I won't let them play wii for hours at a time, but overall, I don't think they will be traumatized by the week (and neither will I). I don't think I'm ready for this full time or anything, but it's kind of fun. Their parents can go on vacation again and I'd be up to the challenge.

Honeymoon

As my cousin and his wife celebrate their 10 year anniversary on the beach's of Hawaii, I think the honeymoon period with me and the little boys has ended. Prior to my arrival, they hadn't seen me since they were 2 and 4, so I was basically a stranger. At camp, newness+ unsureness= perfect behavior for at least 3 or 4 days. I assumed it would be the same with them. They've been happy and having fun, cuddled on my lap and goofy as can be, but they weren't comfortable enough to try anything. Until last night.

Now let me be clear, these are the sweetest, most well behaved kids on the planet. So when I say "misbehave" I'm talking about minor infractions. Playing around instead of eating dinner, saying, "poopie head" 17 times after I asked them to stop. Not exactly punishable offenses, but annoying nonetheless.

I briefly pondered how mad their parents would be if I taught them what the phrase "atomic wedgie" meant, but then I remembered that it was their dad who taught me that in the first place, and just because we're adults now, he's still my big cousin and those are his kids.

And so I put hours and hours of professional development to use and kicked into "super camp director mode". Poor little boys, they didn't stand a chance. Two things they should have known-

1. I work with kids. Lots of kids. Kids on medication for behavior problems. Kids from screwed up families. Teenagers. J and S can scuff up their halos all they want, they couldn't even imagine half the things I've seen kids their age do and they're still angels.
2. For the past 4 months, I've been locked in a fierce battle of wills with a bulldog puppy, ie- the most stubborn being on the planet. Until they go potty on the floor, tear something up with their teeth, run away from me or bite me, they've got nothing on the fat puppy. My patience has become rock solid, I daresay nearly as impressive as my best friend, the third grade teacher. Yeah, that good.

And so I went to work.

Step one- Tempt.

Step two- Distract.

Step three- Engage.

Step four- There is no step four. By that time, they were putty in my hands.

Super camp director mode involves intense playing- running, jumping out from around corners, screaming, growling (I have a great monster impression), chasing, endless chasing, a few toilet jokes thrown in for good measure, and having a new, interesting, "better than ever before" idea every 15-20 minutes. And it ends with me falling into bed at 8:32pm. But it was worth it. Silly boys, game on.

Fitness

Reasons NOT to Run:

• too cold/snowy
• long day/too tired
• too much to do around the house or at the office
• Fat Puppy needs me
• couch isn't just for looks, someone has to sit on it

Reasons not to run= doughy camp director

As I was packing my bag to come to the sun and warmth of the South, I told myself that if I was going to pack the running shoes and iPod, I was going to have to use them. Plus, if someone is going to give me the gift of warm weather in March, I can't just squander it away indoors.

From the time I drop the little one at preschool until I pick him up, I have about 3 1/2 hours of free time. And so, for the past three days, I have been running. Well, okay, running is a loose term. I usually run about 10 feet and then walk/hobble/whimper the rest of the way. It's an unfortunate thing to witness and I'm not sure what the neighbors will report back to my cousin and his wife, but I couldn't possibly be more pathetic, so it can only get better from here, right?

I will get in shape before the summer. And since I have some free time, I will use it. And so, let the running continue.

Playing House

I've been here four days and things are going smoothly. When we got home from the airport on Saturday morning at 7:30am, the 6 year old grabbed a Sprite, explaining, "Mom and Dad said we could have as many sweets as we wanted while you are here", to which I replied, "but your mom and dad aren't here to take care of you when you get sick, so we have a new deal- you can have as many sweets as you want when they get back." I was ready for them to test me, to push their boundaries and see where I would give in. I'm not a parent but I know a thing or two about child development, so they didn't stand a chance. Kids love the idea of no rules, but in reality, they feel safer and more comfortable when they have an adult who is there to hold them to the rules they claim to hate. And they might claim that I'm, "so mean and no fun" when I make them wash their hands or clean up their toys, but they bounce back within about 20 seconds and are happier in the overall scheme of things.

On Sunday we went to the park and played, "babysitter chases 10 kids around the playground for 3 hours." I had brought my book and had visions of sitting peacefully on the side with the other parents, watching them get out all of their energy. And then the camp director in me kicked in and I was the first one to be "it" in tag. I have said it before- I am not really fun. I like to plan fun things and then supervise. Playing tag isn't usually my department. But I used to be fun, and it came back pretty quickly. Other kids noticed our game and said, "can I play?" and by the end, I knew all their names. Also by the end, the game turned from tag into me chasing everyone, and I was probably more tired than the kids, but they went to sleep without a peep that night, so it was worth the running.

Yesterday I got the full "stay at home mom" experience. Breakfast, packing lunches, driving the 6 year old to school, driving the 4 year old to preschool, going back to pick the preschooler up with all of the moms in their trendy jogging suits, playing outside, checking the 6 year old's backpack to look though his folder of notes home and homework, dinner, bed. In addition to the list above, we also made a variety of really messy craft projects that involved paint, plaster of paris and little boys saying, "our parents never let us do this" (you can take the camp director out of camp, but if you're going to give me kids, you know it's going to result in messy creativity). They made presents for their grandma (my aunt) and I was happy to sit in the sun and enjoy them sitting quietly, completely captivated. By that point, I had chased them on their bikes for longer than I imagined I was capable, and I was drained.

Playing house is fun but their parents also have to worry about housework and running errands, managing their soccer practices, doctor appointments and like, a million other details. I can keep them safe and entertained for a week, but being responsible for their personal development is just to much to imagine being in charge of. They are both very polite, sweet, loving and smart. That doesn't just spontaneously happen; it takes a lot of time and effort. I'm not sure I will ever be up to that challenge. I think a week here and there might be sufficient. This experience came complete with a schedule, directions, money for groceries, kids that pretty much know what they have to do and all I have to do is provide the energy to run, a few crafty ideas and the ability to follow directions. Not a bad deal. By the time the novelty wears off (or the honeymoon phase ends and they stop being on their best behavior), I can go home to my fat puppy and sleeping late (I will never be comfortable with 6am, seriously). For now though, I will chase, craft, cook, tell toilet jokes, and be happy and helpful even when it is so early it is dark outside. And I'm enjoying it.

Mary Poppins

Yesterday I hopped on a plane and headed down South to spend the week watching my cousin's kids while he takes his wife to Hawaii for their 10th anniversary. The boys are 6 and 4 years old and super cute, how hard could a week of child-rearing be?

Famous. Last. Words.

I know, I probably jinxed myself. But it was practically a blizzard at home and I was high on the thought of vitamin D, and kids are my profession, so I figured it would be no big deal.

But I prepared ahead of time, thinking up lots of projects and ideas to keep them busy. My suitcase was 49.5 pounds of mostly craft supplies and I had visions of Mary Poppins dancing in my head as I traveled.

After some travel complications (I'm on an unlucky streak lately) I arrived later than planned, but the kids were excited. This morning started early when we drove to the airport, but overall, it's been a smooth day. Little boys love to talk about the toilet and have really short attention spans, so we have literally done a million things. It is going to be an interesting week. But so far, no tears or "I miss mom and dad." I was evil for a little while this evening because I made them clear their plates after dinner and then pick up all of the toys in the living room. But I told a few poop jokes afterward and won them back. Hopefully that continues to work. It should be an adventure.

Crazy Dog Lady

Puppy= small fortune and changed life.

When everyone I knew warned me about that, I genuinely meant it when I said, "I know." Oh how naive...

I drive a 1998 Chevy Cavalier with no heat and a cracked windshield. I have stubbornly decided that I will buy a new car when I can pay in cash. But I think if you added up the amount of money I've spent since November on vet visits, dog food, treats, puppy classes, puppy playtime, puppy accessories (a good dog bed is important), not to mention puppy itself, I think at this point I could have bought a stretch limo.

But I have a small garage and clearly a limo wouldn't fit, so obviously she is a better use of my hard earned dollars.

And despite the fact that my best friend thinks I'm INSANE, she's been worth every penny. Yesterday I took her to a school on a recruiting visit with me. I was a little bit worried because the day before, I'd had meetings all day so I left her at home and from the time I got home until bed, she was a monster. She followed me everywhere I went, biting my feet and getting in my way. She didn't want to play because every time I sat down, she just wanted to sit in my lap (or bite me). She cried constantly and refused to listen to anything I said (smart but stubborn is typical bulldog behavior but frustrating because I know she knows all of the commands I was attempting!). So I was worried about bringing her into a school. But she was a rockstar.

Not every dog can handle being surrounded by kids, 15 little hands grabbing at her at once, while other little kids aer throwing their arms around her neck. But she was in heaven. She wiggled and kissed and let everyone pet her and ooh and ahh over how cute she is. She sat quietly when she was supposed to and was friendly when I wanted her to be. She was perfect. And hopefully memorable enough to make kids go home and beg to go to camp! If this recruiting strategy works out, she will be well worth the limo- worth she cost.

But today I officially became a crazy dog lady. I have been on the edge for a while now, but today was the day. It's too bad, because I was a normal, well-adjusted person just a few months ago. It's amazing what a little dog can do to a person...

As I said, leaving Olivia home alone doesn't go well. I have a lot of meetings and a crazy schedule coming up and she just won't be able to come to my office every day. And so today was Olivia's first day of Puppy Daycare. On the days she can't come to work with me, she will spend her days playing with other dogs, napping in a suite (I was concerned that she would have to be in a kennel for nap time but they told me she could go in a suite since she's claustrophobic), and having fun. She will come home happy and tired and I won't have to worry about leaving her while I'm busy at work. Today was just a half day trial so she could get used to it and they could evaluate if she would be a good fit. 4 hours of fun.

However, after a short tour, it was time for me to leave her and I burst into tears. I talked so many crying camp parents through separation anxiety this summer, and I had said everything the daycare staff told me as they patted my shoulder and assured me she would be okay. But still, I walked out in tears and almost tuned around to get her once I left.

In the end, she was fine. She had a lot of fun and has been passed out since I brought her home. The staff told me all about her day and which dogs she played with (oddly enough she played most with a lab puppy named Guinness who she was friends with in Puppy Kindergarten). And everything went well. Now if I could go back to being a normal 26 year old and not a crazy dog lady, life would be perfect...

Whirlwind

It has been a whirlwind few weeks and I'm not out of it yet. Last week I flew out East to take part in a training for Operation Purple. It was a great opportunity to learn more about the program and I left feeling really excited. I am looking forward to sharing more as I am able to get some of the many tasks I need to do for it accomplished.

I've been home almost a full week since that trip, but I still haven't quite gotten back into the groove. There is so much to do in the office, my house is a mess and I have a puppy that did not do well with my absence and has been acting out like I've never seen. Ordinarily, she is stubborn and has her own ideas about what she is and isn't allowed to get away with. But since I got home, she has alternated between defiant and clingy, so I can't seem to get much done. We tested out of Puppy First Grade on Monday, but it was close. Luckily the teacher has seen her for weeks and knows she is smart and can do all of the commands like a rockstar. Unfortunately, I had just gotten home that weekend and Olivia was still ignoring me. It was rough.

I am leaving in a week for another trip, this time down South to spend some time with my cousin's kids. I am looking forward to spending my days playing with cute kids in the warm weather, although I am very nervous about the baby I am leaving behind. She is going to the breeder to be boarded this time. Last time, my roommates didn't get to sleep before 2 am because of an overtired colicky puppy. Even with my mom coming over two evenings to sit with her, I think she didn't get enough attention, so this will be better for her. I will still worry the whole time though.

Anyway, back to the to do list that is a full two pages long at this point. Summer is around the corner and I am starting to wonder how everything will come together by then...

Guess

Let's say all of the pipes in your dining hall froze and a plumber came out to give you an estimate on the damage; how much would you guess it would cost?

A few weeks ago, when I had a pipe freeze and break in my basement, my dad was able to rip out a wall, sauter the pipe back together, cover the pipe in insulated pipe covering, replace and re-tile the wall, for about $100. Labor was free of course, so I knew it would be higher than that. In fact, i expected it would be several thousand dollars because it's a big building.

But when the plumber called me today with a worst case scenario estimate of $96,000 I almost passed out.

$96,000.

Soak that number in.

That would be for a new boiler system, new hot water heaters, a new in-floor heating system and some other important pipe/plumbing things.

Luckily the building is insured up to $1 million so other than a $2500 deductible, we're covered.

Thank goodness.

When I dreamed of having this job, it included more camp songs, art projects and s'mores, and less time learning about plumbing, talking about insurance and dealing with "worst case scenario estimates." But I guess that's what keeps my days interesting. and I can't complain about that.

Cruisin' For Guys

Today I spent the day at the all-men's college looking for some guys. I was looking for some male staff for camp.

It took over two hours to get there and two hours home. I sat at a table for 3 hours and was ignored the entire time. My table even had candy and bright, happy photos. Nothing. I might as well have been wearing wall-paper colored clothing. Apparently it's too early for them to be thinking about summer jobs.

It was a huge waste of a day and I feel so stressed out. I have so much to do in my office, I could have used 7 hours to be productive. I will be at a training all week next week and have much to do to prepare. What an annoying day.

Early Birds

Today was the cut off for Early Bird registration. If families register early, they get $50 off the price of camp.

Last year, you only had to put a $100 deposit, and the deadline was December 31. Also, our brochures weren't printed and mailed out until March, so overall I thought the whole thing was not well planned.

So this year I changed it. They had to pay in full, the deadline was far past Christmas (although still early) and the brochure were mailed out a week before the deadline. I was a little worried that with the economy how it is, paying in full would be a struggle.

But this morning we were at 99 registrations (a full 50 more than last year!) and 3 people who were are still dealing with, but will probably end up as Early Birds once we get their stuff worked out.

I couldn't be more thrilled. I think this is a promising start to the 2009 camping season.

Date #3

Date #3 was fine, neutral, kind of a non-event actually.

I had been really excited about seeing this guy because the second date went so well, so yesterday we met at the art museum.

I don't know if he was having a bad day, or not into the museum, or maybe he wasn't in to me, but the spark from before didn't seem to be there.

It was a pleasant afternoon. He was still nice, still funny, and it was a chill way to spend time with someone. But in a day filled with bright colors, it was a relatively colorless date.

If I hear from him in the next few days, that will be cool. If not, that's cool too. I have a pretty big personality, I know that. And I also know that it takes a special kind of person to not be overwhelmed by me. I would like to find the guy who will embrace me for every part of who I am. If that is him, cool. If not, my life rocks, so I can be patient until he arrives.

Paradise

Remember when I was so excited to be promoted to Executive Director and I bought really nice business cards and did a lot of fist pumps into the air while saying, "Yay! I'm in charge of all of this!"?

Be careful what you wish for....

My dad called me on Tuesday and said, "you need to get in touch with the insurance company." He didn't say it that calmly though. For those readers who are familiar with my father, it was more "#$@^&&*()^&%$%#pipes@%^&*(&*^&^ ^frozen%^$$^&insurance*(*)(*(*(9()%$ #@@@$%%^"

Ugh.

Apparently the pipes in the dining hall were frozen and cracked. I don't know the exact details of how he discovered this because, even now, they are still rock solid, but he figured it out and called the plumber who let him know it wasn't looking good. The two of them shut the water down and have had heaters inside for the last few days and on Monday, the plumber will be back to assess the damage. It turns out that two of the heaters had been disconnected when the Boss had brought in new ovens. Apparently he hadn't reconnected the heaters, so it was SUPER cold in the dining hall, leading to the frozen situation we have now.

Meanwhile, the staff house next to his was also frozen and he learned that the drain from the house to the septic hadn't been properly insulated and needs to be re-done. In discovering that fact, he learned that the drain field for the Director's cabin was also not installed correctly and should be re-done. And somehow, even though it's the opposite side of camp, we learned that the septic tanks in the dining hall are cracked and will have to replaced.

I had to have him explain the situation several times while I took notes because I wasn't sure exactly how it all connected. It doesn't- they are separate problems. The connection is that they are all going on at my sink-hole of a camp.

I felt really bad for my dad who took it as a personal failure. After he was done yelling about the %^&*$&^(!!@$#* camp, he just kept saying, "I'm sorry I let you down kid."

But here's the thing- he didn't let me down at all. It's not his fault. It's that we took over a camp that was practically run into the ground by previous Directors. I've spent the last 8 months cleaning up and we still have a long way to go. Between J in the office finding every mistake in the insurance, taxes, accounting, etc. and my dad at camp fixing every broken and run down building, and me somewhere in between mending relationships and trying to get us functioning as a normal camp, we've made DRASTIC, AMAZING progress. We've cursed the Boss' name over and over, banged our heads against the desk in frustration, vented, imagined walking out and telling the Board of Directors to burn this place to the ground, but mostly, we've just put our heads down and worked. Hard. It's like untangling a giant ball of yarn that is tied in knots. Every time you think it's almost straightened out, you find out about another hidden mess that's causing a bigger mess that you have to deal with NOW. It's so frustrating. I sometimes feel like a failure too.

The problems from this week are because the old Boss (and, in fairness to him, some people before him) didn't do things the right way. They were lazy or incompetent or tried to cut corners. And now we've inherited the mess. It's difficult to remain focused and dedicated when things like this happen. Was anyone paying attention?! Is anyone paying attention now? Does anyone care that our 62year old camp was abused by the guy that was supposed to come in and save it? What kind of magic do they expect me to work with this place? Does anyone realize what we are up against? Hello Board of Directors?! 14 months ago I was a Senior Coordinator. I had 3 levels of bosses above me. And now I'm in charge. By myself. I answer to a Board that is, on it's best day, mostly unaware of anything that is going on. And sometimes that's just a bit too much responsibility for me.

But I love this camp. I mean deeply, passionately love this place with unconditional devotion and unwavering faith that with hard work and stubborn perseverance, it can be the camp it's meant to be. I try to think about camp as it will be, rather than all of the problems there currently are. I believe in this place and I look forward to the future, standing with my dad, filled with pride, knowing where we started and how far we came. We've already come a long way. This little bump isn't the end of the world. Annoying, but certainly not the end of the world....

Leadership

I was very very clear with the staff this summer- Leaders-in-Training are high school students who are paying to come to camp. That means they are campers, even though they are close in age. You are NOT to hang out with them outside of camp.

Some staff struggled with this concept and will not be rehired. Yes, I am that strict.

My Leadership Development Coordinator (who is a rockstar and I hired without interviewing anyone else because I designed the position with her in mind) called me today and we had this conversation:

A: Hi. You know how we aren't allowed to hang out with LITs outside of camp? Well, H and R (two of the LITs from last summer) are getting married on May 9. I really want to go, but I don't want to get in trouble. Can I go to their wedding?

me: _________________________

A: Are you there?

me: (stunned) Married? How old are they? Aren't they graduating high school in May? Did you mean their graduation party? Married? What?

After I picked my jaw up from the floor and told her that, yes, she could go, this is obviously a little different situation, I went on facebook to check it out. Yes, graduating in May. Yes, married in May. And yes, expecting a baby (this is where I slammed my palm against my forehead)...

No no no. This is why we have teenagers in leadership development programs, so they don't get themselves into these situations. I am crushed. This isn't supposed to be happening to my kids. They are leaders. Last summer they were busy making lanyard bracelets and swimming. This summer they are going to be newlyweds and preparing for a baby. No. That's just not how it's supposed to go. They had their whole lives ahead of them, this is going to be so stressful and difficult and it's absolutely tragic. What about college? What about figuring out who they are? I'm so sad for them. Could we have done something different when they were at camp? I know that's naive- they were only at camp 2 weeks out of their lives, and they've been dating since they were freshmen, they're in love and blah blah... But still... A baby? They are babies...

Cautiously Optimistic

Date #2 went well.

As I said the first time- cute, funny, smart and able to hold a conversation. Still true.

He's also super nice, interesting, and agreed with my dislike of bowling, mini golf, zoos, etc. (and yeah, that made me like him even more). Really, if I'm being honest, there were a lot of qualities that made me like him even more.

We're seeing each other again this weekend and I'm looking forward to it. However, I am not allowing myself to be excited yet. I will only be cautiously optimistic and say that he has a lot of good qualities and we'll see where it goes. I'm not getting ahead of myself. Two dates is not enough to know anything yet.

In two dates, he does not yet know that I talk in baby talk to my dog entirely more than is socially acceptable. He doesn't know that I wear sweatpants 99% of the time. He doesn't know that I randomly burst into song often enough that my roommates think I might have tourette's syndrome (I don't, it's just a camp thing, ask any camp person). He also hasn't had time to get sick of hearing, "this one time at camp..." He doesn't know that my bookshelves are alphabetized or that the minute I get cold, hungry, or tired, I immediately turn into a 3 year old. These are probably not things that will change, and could definitely be deal breakers for any guy. Likewise, I'm sure there are things about him that might drive me insane.

So anyway, the point is, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I have too much work to do this week to be distracted. So I will not be writing his name inside hearts on my notebook. I will be directing a camp. And that's that.

The Dating Game

Dear Coffee-at-1pm-on-Saturday-Guy~

I'm not like a dating expert or anything, but I would venture a guess that the reason you're single is because you don't show up to dates you have arranged. Just a thought...

xoxox

Camp Director

Closer to "Cosmos"

Wednesday night usually means "Real World" and cuddling on the couch with the baby bulldog. Not interesting enough to blog about, but if I'm really being honest, it's my favorite thing in the whole world. Last night? No cuddling, no wonderful reality tv. Last night I went to a very trendy place downtown to see a concert with my friend MG. I feel like that's the kinda thing other 26 year olds are doing every night, but I was dreading it the same way people fret over a visit to the dentist.

Dimly lit, PACKED full of 17 year old emo hipsters, and so loud I was concerned that my heartbeat was going to be thrown off. Not exactly my scene, but MG and I have been friends since 7th grade, and over the years, I have dragged her to a great number of ridiculous situations, so I felt like I owed it to her to go. And so, out of love and friendship, I smiled and fought, with all my might to avoid rolling my eyes or yawning the entire night.

But, really, it was AWFUL. In addition to the aforementioned list of nonsense, the bands were so unbelievably cliche, I actually thought it might be a joke. There were 4 bands (which, was like 3 too many). All 4 bands had 4-6 extremely thin guys wearing tight black pants and a vintage tee shirt of some sort. A few of the guys also added a tie or a vest for that anti-establishment feel to the whole outfit. All of the guys had the same variation of the "I just woke up and my hair is messy, except that I have more product in it than most girls and it probably took a lot of effort to get it perfectly messed" haircut. Every single song from all 4 bands sounded exactly the same. I couldn't help but wonder if there is a guide to being a rock star that they all bought and read together. It was so contrived I was just blown away by the ridiculousness of it.

But I went. I was trendy. My friend is happy. And this morning, despite scrubbing in the shower, I have a stamp on my wrist proving that I am living a very cosmopolitan life... Is it time to head back to the woods yet?

Dating

Date number 2 was a vast improvement from the first guy. He was funny, intelligent, cute and could hold a conversation. When he said, "I like to travel" he had actual experience to back it up (I can't think of anything more annoying when people say they like to travel and then say, "well, I've never actually been outside the Midwest, but I would like to travel someday... dude, that is totally different than enjoying travel). He likes reality tv, and zip up sweaters (which are a close relative of the fleece vest). Anyway, I would definitely like to see him again, so we'll see.

However, I have a few unfortunate observations after my nice date.

1- Dating is going to be a challenge because I'm really lame. We hung out until 10:45pm and I was enjoying myself immensely. However, I am a 10pm bedtime girl, so it was a struggle to remain upright, engaged and witty while trying not to fall asleep. I am going to have to arrange afternoon dates from now on.

2- Dating is going to be a challenge because when I got home, I was told that my poor baby bulldog had been sitting by my bedroom door crying, refusing to do anything else for several hours. I can't even begin to describe the guilt I feel when I imagine that. Also, when she flopped down on my pillow and fell asleep with her chin resting on my face, I wondered if there would ever be a guy I liked enough to alter said baby bulldog's sleeping habits.

3- Dating is going to be a challenge because I hate fun. Okay, that's not entirely true, I'm fun. I made 50 gallons of jello and let kids throw it at each other this summer. I invented fun. However, the list of things I don't enjoy includes: bowling, darts, pool or other bar games, going to bars, frisbee, zoos, mini-golf, regular golf, and probably some other things I can't think of but that most people love. Unfortunately, that list could also be called, "things to do on a date" and so I'm either going to have to suck it up and feign interest in those things, or I'm going to have to give up dating and spare myself the torture. What kind of things do I enjoy? I like the theater, museums, and any interesting thing you would read about in the back of the community newspaper (that no one except me and the senior citizens read). A lecture on bees followed by a honey making demonstration- I'm in! A tour of Victorian homes- totally! If I was looking for a 60 year old to date, I would be set, but where will I find a 25-30ish guy like that?

Despite my concerning observations, it was a good time.

Beige

I went to coffee. It was uneventful. He was nice, but pretty white bread for my taste. There wasn't much there, just beige, boring, plain, no sparkle. It wasn't awful, but my mind felt a little numb afterwards.

Well, until I returned home.

At home I learned that a water pipe in my basement had frozen and cracked and in the warmer weather had turned my basement into a puddle. I returned home to find my brother trying to dam the water away from the carpeted area of the basement.

Naturally, I started freaking out and waving my arms around, screeching (which is always the best response in such a crisis). "It's fine. I already called dad, shut off the water and it's almost cleaned up" was his response.

Ugh, maybe this is a warning from the dating gods. Tonight I am supposed to have coffee with another guy, so if the roof caves in, I guess we'll know if Sunday was a freak accident or a message from above.

The truth is, I'm not really even interested in dating. My life is awesome, and I'm not in a rush to change that. I am completely fulfilled by my family and friends, my job, my fat bulldog, and I don't feel lonely at all. I have accomplished many life goals and continue to do so. I don't have a strong desire to get married or reproduce, and I am not patient enough (or desperate enough) to deal with any kind of drama that comes from boy meets girl interaction. But somehow, I feel stress over the idea that I should want to date. However, in two years of not dating, I managed to travel, volunteer, buy a house, land my dream job (and then get promoted to my dream dream job), develop true self confidence and find inner peace. What I should be doing is taking two more years off to conquer the world (or whatever else comes up).

Anyway, I've decided to meet at least 5 guys before I give up and dedicate my life to my bulldog. I'll keep you posted...

Coffee

I'm going out for coffee tomorrow, it's not a big deal, not worth writing about actually. I haven't mentioned it to my best friend or to my mom (who I tell everything), because it's nothing. Except that since it's nothing, it seems silly to lie about. Plus, other than Puppy First Grade, which started this morning, my life pretty much consists of laying around my house, or going to work. And I feel like my loyal readers (both of you) will get bored if I have nothing to write about (please pick up my sarcasm and laugh).

So I'm going to coffee with a guy. And as I said, it will probably not even be worth mentioning again. I plan on wearing my keen shoes and talking about my dog the whole time. I am not expecting to meet my soulmate, nor am I sure I really want to. I actually kind of enjoy my quiet, boring life and I feel like a guy will just mess that up.

But I'm going. And now it's out there.

Dating Formula

Practical shoes
+
Unfortunate haircut
+
Oxford dress shirt/sweater combo
+
Frequent use of the phrase "roommate" (which, apparently is usually code for girlfriend... who knew?)
+
I haven't dated in a long time
------------------------------------
"Is Camp Director, you know, into girls?"

This was the question my good friend B got asked by a colleague (who also happens to be gay, by the way) this weekend.

I think it's time to start dating again... Males, in case there was still a question.

Summer's On the Way!

Yesterday we had our first three registrations for camp. And over the weekend, I received the first staff application for the summer.

Summer will be here before you know it!

Retreat Success

The retreat was a success. The kids had fun, I had fun, and everyone was safe. The weather was warm and sunny but really snowy, so we went sledding twice and it was super fun. I haven't been sledding in a really long time, and I forgot how fun it can be. We did several team building activities and had some good group discussions about responsibility, caring, and self image. We played board games, and stayed up really late. The food was excellent and just about all of the kids' parents sent baked goods for us to snack on.

And the $800 bus was worth every penny. First of all, I didn't really consider just how much space all of the groceries and other supplies i needed would take up. I also didn't realize that for a weekend, kids would bring as much stuff as they did. I don't know if we would have fit everything into a van. And then, on Saturday night, we went 10 miles into town to attend Mass. It was a slow drive on the way there, but not too bad. On the way home, however, it was dark (as in, no street lights, really dark) and it had started to snow. The defrost wasn't working as well as it should, so I was partially blind. And 15 passenger vans really are lightweight and I sorta felt like I was flying the van rather than driving it. I was acting like it was no big deal, but it was absolutely death defying. $800 was a small price to pay to avoid doing that ever again.

$800

I'm going on retreat this weekend. Why I thought it would be a good idea to take a van load of teenagers to a camp covered in 8 feet of snow 2 days after New Year's, I can't quite remember...

I would have loved it as a teen, and when I casually mentioned the idea this summer, they all flipped out, so I knew I was on to something. 7 months later, it's time to head up to camp for the winter retreat.

Out of 24 possible kids in the Leaders-in-Training program, 13 signed up, which is a very good number- enough for it to be worthwhile to go (4 kids would have been lame), but manageable. The itinerary and activities are all planned, the menu is set, the kids have been emailing with last minute excited emails, and I was feeling good... until yesterday.

The plan was that I would drive to camp today to pick up one of the vans. My dad would be driving down on Friday with the other van. We would load up the kids and the luggage and head to the tundra. Kind of a pain in the neck- all the driving up and back, but it was the best option... Until yesterday, when the heavens opened up and dumped several inches of snow at camp and beyond. 15 passenger vans are not recommended for transporting groups of people because the center of gravity is higher, which means they tip over more often than other vehicles. When I first started working here, I was surprised our camp was using them at all, because most places won't insure them, but our insurance is fine with it, so I went with it. And in the original plan, I felt fine. But then my dad called to tell me that traveling in the vans was going to be too dangerous, which I had already been thinking, but ignoring, because if that was the case, my plans would be completely changed.

Once it had been spoken out loud, however, I knew there was no turning back. If something were to happen to kids I was responsible for, and I had already been aware that I was not choosing the safest option, I don't think I could live with myself. Ignorance is bliss, but unfortunately, I had been warned. And let's be honest, a 26 year old with a bad driving record shouldn't be driving an unsafe vehicle filled with kids for 3 hours in the snow. So I called 5 bus companies to see if I could get a last minute bus. Absolutely. For $800. Ugh. Camp has exactly ZERO extra money, much less $800.

Last month I cancelled the Leaders-in-Training meeting because it was really snowy and icy and I didn't want kids to have to drive all the way to my office at night in a storm. Their reaction was something similar to if you killed Santa in front of a group of kids. And that was just a monthly meeting. Cancelling the retreat is not an option. And so Friday morning, myself, 14 teenagers, and a fat bulldog puppy will be enjoying an $800 trip to camp in a school bus. Let the adventure begin...

Office Dog

Olivia has decided she needs her own office. The office across the hall from mine is used by our part time assistant who comes in once per week. The last time D was here, Olivia dragged all of her toys across the hall and made herself at home. So now when we arrive at work, she sits in front of the door and barks until I let her in. And even though I move all of her toys back to my office every afternoon, she drags them all back over throughout the day. She likes to sit in the doorway and chew on her toys. She still gets up and follows me every time I go make a copy or go to the bathroom, but my little baby also needs her independence. She works hard, so clearly, she's earned her own office.

BIG NEWS

Two months ago I applied to a program called "Operation Purple". Run by the National Military Family Association, this program send kids whose parents are deployed to summer camp for free. Camps can apply to be part of the program and if accepted, close down for a week and welcome just kids for this program. Camps offer traditional camp programming, as well as educational programming provided by Operation Purple. Operation Purple covers 100% of the costs involved in sending kids to camp.

When I found out about the program, it was a Tuesday. The application deadline was that Friday, and so I dropped everything and worked hard to put together a proposal (including photos, a budget, logistical details, and several essay questions). I thought it might be a long shot. It seemed too good to be true. Last summer we averaged 80 kids per week. In my proposal, I said we could accommodate 120 kids, which is less than the 155 beds we actually have, but I didn't want to bite off more than we can chew. I figured that from 80 to 120 wasn't that huge of a leap. But having 120 fully paid kids would be a dream come true.

Today I received a call letting me know that we've been accepted!

I am thrilled and so is the Board.

I feel like this is the beginning of a really positive turn for this camp. We are going to grow and succeed and I am proud to be part of the process.

Impressive

The conference was fantastic. The information was interesting and useful, and most of the presenters left me feeling inspired and excited. Plus, the conference was held at a SPECTACULAR camp. A camp utopia really. 6000 acres of land, every program area imaginable, state of the art facilities, and millions of dollars in funding each year. I was blown away.

I had a really funny experience the first day. Because of flight schedules, I arrived a day early (as did a handful of other people). I joined in a tour of the facility with a group of Outdoor Educators from the community. At lunch, myself and another woman who had come early for the conference and I were speaking with a guy we'd met on tour. He asked us what we were doing and we told him we were there to learn about fundraising, etc. After several minutes, he asked us what our positions were and we both told him "Executive Director".

Now, I like to blog about my cool title and I like to admire my fancy business cards, but the reality is, I work for a struggling little camp and, other than my mom, no one really cares about my title. And so, in real life, I rarely mention it.

So when I told the guy I was an Executive Director, I figured he'd smile and nod politely like usual. No. Craziest reaction EVER.
"Executive Director?! Both of you? Here you are saying you're just fundraisers and you're Executive Directors. Whoa. Executive Director. Yeah, fundraisers, uh huh. Executives..."

And then he shook his head in awe and kind of walked away. It was weird, hilarious and kind of fabulous, because let's be honest, impressing someone is always kind of cool. Especially since I'm used to apologizing for something my lame camp did wrong.

Anyway, the rest of the conference was lots of comparing camps with other camp directors, listening to lectures and taking notes.

Now I'm back home with my darling baby who is now 16 pounds of bulldog. She doesn't like to go potty outside because it is too cold and my queen size bed is barely big enough to accommodate both of us and she somehow manages to get me to the edge of the bed and off my pillow every night. Either that or she sleeps with her face covering mine. But I am very happy to have her back.

Leaving Puppy

When I wake up in the morning it is to one of the following scenarios: A.) a tiny paw resting on my cheek while baby bulldog licks my face and chews my hair until I wake up. or B.) My alarm rings and I awake with baby bulldog's face pressed against mine, her snoring louder than you would expect such a little thing to be capable of. When it is the later scenario, it usually takes 10-15 minutes of cuddling and moving her around to wake up. And since neither of us really enjoys the morning, we always seem to convince each other to snooze for just a few more minutes.

Once we finally wake up, we go right outside to go potty, have breakfast and then play on the floor for a while. Then I get into the shower and baby howl/squeal/yelps for the entire time I'm in there. It's been 3 weeks of this happening every day but sometimes I still jump out halfway through to make sure she isn't being torn limb from limb (for the record, she's always fine, just unhappy about being left out).

Eventually, we make out way into the office where we play some more, go outside and the baby sits on my lap while I work. When we go home, there is more playing, more lap sitting and also time for her to play with, bite and sit on my roommates.

In the three weeks I have had baby bulldog, we have not been apart for more than 2 hours at a time. But that is going to change this week. Tomorrow I am getting on an airplane and heading to New York for a fund raising for camps conference. Ordinarily, I would be thrilled. Anytime I can get on a plane, I'm excited. But the added bonus of going to a camp, hanging out with camp people, talking about camp stuff... I can't think of anything better! But now I'm a puppy mom and the thought of leaving my baby is making me burst into tears and feel sick every time I think about it.

After agonizing over the best possible situation for her, I finally decided to send her back to the breeder's to be boarded. They still have 4 puppies from her litter left, so she will have lots of company and love. Plus, the breeder spends a lot of time making sure the puppies are cared for, and knows puppies better than I do, so I know she'll be safe and looked after.

I am terribly afraid she will think I am taking her back and that her brothers and sisters will make fun of her for being returned, or that she will completely forget me and be so happy to be back with them that when I come back for her, it will be the same trauma as when I first brought her home. It's absolutely awful. And yes, I've considered canceling my trip, despite having been so excited about this conference that I was planning to pay my own way if the Board didn't approve it (they did, and so, on top of all of the fabulousness of being camp related, it's also a free trip!). But that was pre-puppy, so now I'm just feeling stressed out. I hope it is fun for her to play with other puppies for a few days, and she doesn't even realize I'm gone until I come back to get her and life is good. Ugh.

Puppy Kindergarten

Olivia started puppy kindergarten today! She was definitely the cutest puppy there, and even the teacher oohed and ahhed over her.

She had to wear a harness and leash, which we tried on before we left and she HATED. She was also VERY nervous when we arrived, and spent the first few minutes shaking. She calmed down eventually and let all of the people pet her and jumped and played with the other dogs.

We started out with free play time. There were 5 dogs total, and the teacher separated them accordingly. Livi and a dog named Whiskey were the youngest and smallest and so they were in one area, Molly and Henry had already been to a few classes and were more comfortable, so they were in one area, and then Cody was in his own area because he wasn't socialized and wanted to kill all of the other dogs.

After free play, we sat in a circle and the teacher talked to us for a while, then we worked on a few different lessons, then more free play and then we were done. Class was about an hour and 15 minutes. Olivia seemed to enjoy herself and I learned a lot. We have been practicing a lot and I am feeling much more confident. I am excited for next week!

Livi Goes to Camp

Camp Dog at camp for the first time!

She didn't love it, but she will. It was freezing cold and the wind was bitter, so I can't blame her. I don't enjoy camp when it's like that either.

I was worried about the 3 hour car ride, but she was really good. She slept most of the way there and back, and when she was awake, she was content to play with one of her toys on the passenger seat.

She liked laying in front of the fireplace, and she really liked my dad, and she will eventually love our home away from home.

I tried to get her to walk around with me as I collected items from THE LIST, but that ended in me carrying an enormous keyboard and a 14 pound baby bulldog across camp in the snow. But we lived through it and I found most of the things on the list. I had to resist smashing them into a million pieces, but I was good. This isn't over, let me be clear about that, but I was completely, 100% respectful and gathered all of his stuff.

To Be Continued...

Love and Frustration

I have never before in my life been as absolutely in love and yet, wanted to strangle something as much as I do this puppy. She is sweet and innocent and every time I look at her, my heart melts. But she frustrates me so much sometimes I have to hold my breath so that I don't scream out loud.

I'm trying to be patient. She is 9 weeks old, a tiny baby that knows nothing. She doesn't even know her own name yet. It's not fair to get mad at a helpless little infant.

But between the biting and the potty training, I am at my patience limit and I don't know where I will find more. I've read the books, googled, talked to the vet and the breeder. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, but she bites, a lot, all the time. Not only does it hurt, and make me mad, I'm stressed out because I feel like I'm a bad dog owner because I'm raising a future psychopath that will maim an innocent child when she gets bigger. Equally as maddening as the biting is the potty training. It started out so well. She always goes to the bathroom when I take her outside and so I take her out constantly. And we're still doing that, but a few days ago, she developed a bladder infection and so she has been having accidents. (Which, on a side note, I diagnosed because I am an awesome puppy mom with great instincts and then the vet confirmed my suspicion despite telling me not to bother coming in because it was probably nothing).

How can I get mad at a helpless baby that's sick? I know, I'm the worst person alive. But tonight, I took her outside, she went potty. We came inside, and she immediately peed on the couch. So I took her back outside, she went potty. I brought her back inside, took the cushion off the couch and cleaned it and put it aside to dry. 10 minutes later, she peed on another cushion! She rarely has accidents, and never on the furniture. I didn't know if I should laugh or burst into tears. I decided that since the couch only had one dry cushion, and I was sitting on it, that she should be done with the couch. I put her in her bed in the kitchen and gave us a little break from each other.

When I came upstairs an hour later, she looked so sad and innocent and I felt like the most awful puppy mom. So we went to the living room to play. And despite doing everything like the book says, she bit me, hard, in the face. At which point I literally clenched my fists to avoid picking her up to kill her. Rage. I went into the other room and burst into tears. And as I was sitting on the floor crying, I could hear her crying because she's a baby and still doesn't really know her way around the house and she didn't know where I went. And when she found me, she crawled into my lap and put her head on my chest and then licked my cheeks. Pure love.

I take it personally every time she bites and every time she pees inside, despite the fact that I know she is a little baby that doesn't know any better. So now I don't know what to do. Right now I'm holding a 12 pounds loaf of skin and teeth that has the hiccups for the fourth time today and is having a difficult time keeping her eyes open, but is giving it her best attempt because she loves to bite at the mouse whenever I work at the computer. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

8 Classes Later

Pottery is finished and I could practically serve an army of elves with my end result. Definitely worth all of the hard work!

Fight

So.

Angry.

I.CAN'T.BREATHE.

Next year I am budgeting in anger management and therapy costs into our expenses, because I am literally on the verge of violence.

I can hardly even type this because I am so outraged I am seeing white with rage.

The Boss is back. He is like a virus that you can't cure. A plague, an annoying faulty wire in your car that you can't find but keeps malfunctioning. He is persistent and we can't get rid of him. And I'm trying to be the bigger person and just take things as they come. But he is the most awful human being on the planet and he has a way of getting under my skin.

Just to remind you, this is a struggling camp that, up until he was fired from, he had been hired to help save. He knows our budget is negative numbers. And yet, he has already fought for every last penny he could squeeze out of us. He has argued over the year balance for his pension, mileage, etc. Dude, you stole a bunch of money and got fired, just tuck your tail between your legs and GO AWAY.

No.

So yesterday I received an email with a list of items that he had left at camp. A guitar, some CDs, etc. Included on the list were prices (vastly over inflated prices by the way) and a message saying that since we couldn't seem to find the items, he would like a check sent. $1200 worth of stuff.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?

This is a man who routinely collected both reimbursement for gas AND mileage, paid for swimsuits and sandals for him and his children, and SO many other things I can't continue or I will literally have to punch this computer. He is demanding $30 for the charger for his blackberry. CAMP PAID $270 FOR THAT BLACKBERRY. I am so filled with rage over this, I feel like my head is going to explode. How dare he?!

I emailed the Board President as calmly as I could, but he called me right away and asked how many cups of coffee I'd had that morning, so perhaps I wasn't as cool as I could have been. He was cool. He calmly explained that we wouldn't be paying for the items and to try to look for them at camp again. I know where some of them are, and I have been mentally imagining myself smashing them with a hammer and bringing him a bag full of debris over and over. Truthfully, I'd like to smash his fat face with a hammer. This guy is the scum of the earth and he won't go away.

HE STOLE FROM US, and now he is back to demand more.

No.

The Board should have demanded the THOUSANDS of dollars he cost this camp, but they didn't, and now he's back like a parasite.

But I've got a plan.

If he wants a fight, he's going to get a fight.

Camp Dog

Olivia's second day at the office and she is working hard as the Camp Dog. In between power naps, she enjoys sitting on my lap, resting her head on my wrist as I type and as gently and innocently as she can, lifting post-it notes off my desk. She also enjoys playing with her toys that are spread around my office, going outside to play in the yard and, as of today, leaving my office to go into other offices and visit people. She gets cuter and more outgoing by the day.

Sleeping With Puppy

I have been a puppy mom for a little over 48 hours now. It's going well. Puppy is adjusting. She is only 7 1/2 weeks, which is VERY young for a puppy, so she pretty much eats, sleeps, goes to the bathroom and cries. Her cry is more of a squeal/yelp/howl, which sounds like she is being tortured. She made that awful noise the entire 45 minute car ride home, and pretty much the first 2 hours she was at home. But gradually, she adjusted to her puppy bed, and then the kitchen, dining room, living room, downstairs, upstairs, etc. It was a long day of introducing her to new rooms, letting her nap, feeding her, taking her outside and then repeating the process. But now she is pretty well adjusted to my house, my roommates and to me, so she is crying less.

Her kennel is in my bedroom because I didn't want her to be afraid, and the books said that if you can talk to the puppy, she will calm down and go to sleep. On Sunday night, I put her in her kennel and she fell right to sleep. She woke up around midnight and I took her outside, but then she slept until 6:30. Dog owning= easy.

Wrong.

Monday night, I put her in her kennel, got into bed and then spent the next 20 minutes listening to her squeal. Talking to her didn't help, ignoring her didn't help. It was awful. The following video is of her making the most awful noise around. I can't seem to get it to flip upright, but the noise is the most important part anyway.



After 20 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore. She is a tiny little baby and so I decided to bring her into my bed and calm her down, and then put her in her kennel when she fell asleep. Sleeping in my bed isn't a good option because I was afraid she would pee, or fall off the bed or that I would squish her in the middle of the night. But as soon as I laid down with her, she lunged at my neck, wrapping all 8 pounds of her around me, sighing deeply and then immediately passing out.

And so that's how we slept. Her little head next to my ear, snoring loudly for such a little creature, and me doing my best to sleep with my new neck warmer. But she didn't pee, fall out of bed, I didn't squish her and she didn't cry. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Puppy

In just 2 days, I will be the proud puppy mother to a 7 week old bouncing baby bulldog. I am very excited. I am having some guilt issues over getting a purebred dog from a breeder, rather than rescuing a dog from the humane society, but I really want a bulldog, I have for a really long time. So breeder it is.

I met the breeder 7 weeks ago when the puppies were a week old. I knew she was the one immediately. She was the size of a hamster and couldn't hear, see or even move very much the first time I saw her. I was scared to even touch her. Since then, I have visited weekly and it has been really fun to see her grow and develop into a puppy with a personality.

Yesterday I went to 2 different stores to stock up on supplies. I bought a dog bed, food and water bowls, a leash and collar, grooming supplies, floor cleaner, treats, and food. It was very overwhelming because there are a million brands and different options for everything you need. But I think I got everything I wanted, so I'm ready.

And here's an interesting fact that I learned: dog toothpaste comes in two flavors- chicken and beef, and the beef flavored is ten cents more expensive than the chicken. I decided the extra ten cents must mean it's better, so I went with the beef.

And now I just have to wait until Sunday to bring her home! So much excitement!!

Support

Why do people blog? It's kind of a weird thing to do. I have kept a journal for years and years, all of my private thoughts and venting and secrets. I like to write because it helps me process through things, but the idea of a blog is strange because it assumes that there is someone out there who is actually interested in all of that dribble that I let tumble out of my head, onto paper. This summer, I was SO unbelievably busy I didn't have time to write in my journal or keep in touch with my family and friends, so I started a blog to keep in touch. I could type in short bursts, whenever I had a calm moment in between craziness and eventually would write out everything that was going on.

Secretly I imagine myself as fabulous and interesting as Carrie Bradshaw and that my fans are hanging off my every word. In reality, I know that my "fans" are my mom and my best friend X, and most of the time, they have already heard me rant and rave about whatever it is that I write about. But a girl can dream, right. And so I blog. I blog, and I imagine greatness.

But it turns out I have readers (thanks by the way!). I've had a few tough days at camp these last couple of weeks and all of the frustration, anger, and worry came out as I typed about the challenges. And a funny thing happened. People responded. I received emails from several people that I didn't even know read my blog. They offered advice and suggested ideas for me to try, and they also provided me with encouragement and kind words. They let me know that I'm not alone in this, and reminded me that what I'm doing matters. It was extremely meaningful to me and I can't even begin to express my gratitude. I used to work for a large organization, with many co-workers in many departments and at other locations. I am definitely a person who enjoys working as a team and takes strength and encouragement from those around me. I still haven't completely adjusted to my empty office, so it was nice to have some response.

And last week was outstanding. Many of the projects I'd been working on finally came together and I met with the Board President and VP and they were so supportive and excited about my work. I was busy and successful and I feel re-energized and excited to start new projects and move forward, closer to the summer every day.

More Mail Merge

3 weeks after the initial conversation where the Board President insisted that the annual campaign letters be personalized (so instead of saying, "Dear Friends of Camp" it says "Dear John Smith"), and we had to scrap 2 weeks worth of planning and work to find a printing company to accommodate our needs as well as our budget, we have a resolution. Board President called a friend of a friend who owns a printing company and could cut us a deal. This morning, I got the estimate. To have the letters mail merged added $900 onto the price (which makes me think I'm totally in the wrong business, because that seems EXCESSIVE, but everything these days seems expensive, so that's just that).

I called Mr. President himself to say, "dude, no way" (er, well something like that) and he replied with, "Yeah, let's just do them as "Dear Friend of Camp". At which point it was like a scene from a movie where everything rewinds really quickly and you see a flashback of three weeks ago, and I slammed my palm against my forehead, gritted my teeth and told him, "okay, no problem" even though what I really meant was, "I TOLD YOU THAT THREE WEEKS AGO!! AM I INVISIBLE OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO GIVE ME A STROKE?!?!?"

So now the letters are being printed and life can move forward and the mail merge drama is over. Life is good.

Overwhelmed

This is a hard job, but most of the time, I feel that every ounce of effort is worth it because I so deeply believe in this camp. I know that it is a diamond in the rough and that in 10 years, I will think back to this time and laugh, and be swollen with pride when I look at the growth and improvements.

But right now, we are a run down, poorly performing, crap hole camp that has a long history of bad directors (sometimes corrupt, sometimes just incompetent, sometimes BOTH). Enrollment is 1/3 of what it should be, the budget is a very painful example of what it means to be failing, buildings are collapsing, and every time I turn around, I find something else that has been mishandled in the past (re: paying thousands of dollars per month on insurance for vehicles we don't own, poor record keeping, inaccurate budget, I could go on...).

Where does one even begin the journey to fixing this mess? Well, when you're an idealistic 26 year old with little experience but an unwavering belief in what you're doing, you start with love and devotion, combine that with hope for the future and faith in what you are doing. And you believe, deeply, passionately, unwaveringly, believe in what you are doing. And you let that energy propel you through all of the roadblocks and challenges. And then you make a "to do" list with a million things on it, you call and email every single smart person you can think of to have coffee, lunch or just a short conversation with, and you do your best to learn. And you humbly admit that you don't know what you are doing and are open to EVERY bit of advice people offer.

In the past few weeks, I have done all that. I have worked so hard and in between working, I have made contact with 3 past camp directors (the good ones), parents, community members, priests, directors of other camps, and a variety of other people who are willing to talk to me. My head is filled and swimming in information and ideas. It's exciting.

Kinda.

It's also kinda frustrating and overwhelming.

The more I learn, the more I realize just what sort of mess I'm sitting on and just how enormous this mountain I'm trying to climb actually is. It's so much bigger and more difficult than I ever expected and sometimes I am afraid. I don't know if I can do this. I am still feeling defeated and unsure of what to do after my conversation with Sister, and I can't seem to shake it off and move forward. I just feel like, "what's the point?" If I can't do anything for kids that need help, if I can't fix problems that we have with operations, if everything I do is dictated by who has the most money, than what exactly can I do? I'm still being held accountable for everything, but I'm not actually allowed to do what I think needs to be done.

I don't think love and devotion are enough to help this camp. I don't think hope or even faith is doing much. My unwavering belief in the potential is, well, wavering. And I don't know how to make any of it better. I'm too young and too inexperienced to be doing this alone. It's not fun or rewarding or easy. It's just really draining and exhausting, and I'm exhausted. I need guidance and support. I need encouragement and for something positive to happen.