Overwhelmed

This is a hard job, but most of the time, I feel that every ounce of effort is worth it because I so deeply believe in this camp. I know that it is a diamond in the rough and that in 10 years, I will think back to this time and laugh, and be swollen with pride when I look at the growth and improvements.

But right now, we are a run down, poorly performing, crap hole camp that has a long history of bad directors (sometimes corrupt, sometimes just incompetent, sometimes BOTH). Enrollment is 1/3 of what it should be, the budget is a very painful example of what it means to be failing, buildings are collapsing, and every time I turn around, I find something else that has been mishandled in the past (re: paying thousands of dollars per month on insurance for vehicles we don't own, poor record keeping, inaccurate budget, I could go on...).

Where does one even begin the journey to fixing this mess? Well, when you're an idealistic 26 year old with little experience but an unwavering belief in what you're doing, you start with love and devotion, combine that with hope for the future and faith in what you are doing. And you believe, deeply, passionately, unwaveringly, believe in what you are doing. And you let that energy propel you through all of the roadblocks and challenges. And then you make a "to do" list with a million things on it, you call and email every single smart person you can think of to have coffee, lunch or just a short conversation with, and you do your best to learn. And you humbly admit that you don't know what you are doing and are open to EVERY bit of advice people offer.

In the past few weeks, I have done all that. I have worked so hard and in between working, I have made contact with 3 past camp directors (the good ones), parents, community members, priests, directors of other camps, and a variety of other people who are willing to talk to me. My head is filled and swimming in information and ideas. It's exciting.

Kinda.

It's also kinda frustrating and overwhelming.

The more I learn, the more I realize just what sort of mess I'm sitting on and just how enormous this mountain I'm trying to climb actually is. It's so much bigger and more difficult than I ever expected and sometimes I am afraid. I don't know if I can do this. I am still feeling defeated and unsure of what to do after my conversation with Sister, and I can't seem to shake it off and move forward. I just feel like, "what's the point?" If I can't do anything for kids that need help, if I can't fix problems that we have with operations, if everything I do is dictated by who has the most money, than what exactly can I do? I'm still being held accountable for everything, but I'm not actually allowed to do what I think needs to be done.

I don't think love and devotion are enough to help this camp. I don't think hope or even faith is doing much. My unwavering belief in the potential is, well, wavering. And I don't know how to make any of it better. I'm too young and too inexperienced to be doing this alone. It's not fun or rewarding or easy. It's just really draining and exhausting, and I'm exhausted. I need guidance and support. I need encouragement and for something positive to happen.