Idealism

In high school and college, I found my place with the "youth group crowd" and spent a lot of time volunteering, attending retreats, and talking about faith. We all wore a lot of cross necklaces, spent time discussing our favorite Bible/Gandhi/Mother Theresa quotes and there was nothing better if someone had a guitar and we could sing faith-based songs while sitting in a circle. We all believed that we were going to change the world.

At 31, I'm still pretty idealistic. I believe in the possibility of change. I believe in the goodness of people. I volunteer. But sometime between then and in my 20s, I've developed a healthy level of cynicism and have a better grasp on reality. The inspirational stories and quotes of my youth seem cliche.

Yes, I still aspire to be the change I wish to see in the world and I don't doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. But these days I find that I spend more energy on goals like "lose 10 pounds" or "get around to googling refinancing my mortgage."

Me from 15 years ago would be so disappointed. I vowed I would never lose my idealism.

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Every year the camp staff seem a little younger and I feel significantly older. This year in particular, I have almost all new, almost all 19 year old staff. 7 of 15 were campers while I was the director!

One of the girls is the niece of my board vice president 'M'. 'M' is in her late 40s or maybe early 50s. So when the counselor asked me, "how do you know my aunt? Did you go to high school together?" I realized I am officially old enough that they don't have a concept of my age. I am just "an adult"- 30, 50, 90? What does it matter- old people are just old.

I'm happy to be at that point with the staff. By being "old" I know that I am FAR more credible than when I was close in age to the staff I was supervising. Those first few years were difficult because they knew (and so did I) that the only reason I was "in charge" was because I had the whistle and a better job title.

Today was a full day of lifeguard training. It was 8 hours straight of talking, demonstrating and trying to get 19 year olds to appreciate the level of responsibility they are taking on. I was drained and they seemed to have gained energy as the day progressed. I went into the staff house to pick up my computer before heading home and could have sworn I'd entered a cliche camp movie (the kind that anyone who has ever been to camp says, "yeah, it's not really like that"). There they were, sitting in a circle, singing and swaying (many with eyes closed).

As they belted out "Lord I Life Your Name on High...." All I could think was, "I wish I had some wine." But I stopped myself from rolling my eyes and realized that, cynicism aside, it was a sweet and lovely scene. This is a particularly innocent, conservative group, which I should be thankful for, not judgmental of. I thought about the horror stories I've heard from so many other camp directors- sex, drugs, alcohol, parties, firing large groups of staff at once. I am happy to have my youth groupers.

I stood for a moment and appreciated their spirit and thought about my younger self. I said a short prayer, "dear God, please take away some of my cynicism and let me enjoy this summer with carefree innocence." If this is the last year (or even if it's not), let me enjoy every moment, laugh more, set aside paperwork and emails and try to play more often.