I volunteer for a YMCA program that brings 1400 teenagers (8th-12th grade) together in a downtown hotel for 4 days. When people hear me describe it, most often their reaction is to physically recoil and shudder as if you've just described the worst thing they could imagine. It's actually one of my most favorite events of the year and I look forward to it for months in advance. And while you might expect chaos from a situation such as that, it's a phenomenal program that is incredibly well run and there is very little nonsense that occurs.
There is a little nonsense though, and that's where I come in. My role at the conference is as a Hotel Director. There are 6 of us and we staff a room that is open 24 hours a day and deal with any kind of issue you can imagine, from small things like handing out band-aids or directing people where to go, to the major things like health issues or behavior problems.
One of the things that makes the program run as chaos-free as it does is a very clear code-of-conduct. It makes it clear what kids (and adults) can and can't do. One of the strict rules is that the kids (and adults too) are not allowed to go into each others' hotel rooms. From what I've heard, prior to this rule, there were issues with theft, messes, and an overall "hotel party" feel. Since then, the issues have gone down to nearly zero.
So on Saturday night, when we had to send 5 girls home because they were hanging out in each others' room, it was pretty straightforward. They knew the rule and that they would be sent home if they broke it.
I was nice about it. Their director was nice about it. There have been times in my career when an incident occurred and afterwards I knew I could have handled it differently. But this time I actually quite proud of myself for my firm, yet encouraging way I spoke with them. Working with kids is difficult because very situation is completely different and you don't always know what to say. Early on, there were times that it wasn't just that I could have said something better, it was that I probably actually made the situation worse. Now that I have more experience and actually say the right thing, it might be really lame to admit, but I feel a little impressed by the things I hear myself saying.
Which is why, when the last parent came to pick up her child, and she spent 20 minutes yelling at me, I was super annoyed. I have been yelled at by parents more than once. Sometimes I've even deserved it. That was not true this time.
She repeated over and over how embarrassing this would be and while I politely nodded, listened, empathized and said very little (did I mention that being yelled at a lot early on has made me totally awesome at dealing with crabby parents?!), in my head I was thinking, "Don't kill the messenger. If I was you, I'd be yelling this at my kid (the person who made the bad choice), not at the adult that enforced the rule."
Parents who make excuses for their kids make me want to scream. It doesn't do the kid any good- they will grow up without the ability to take responsibility for their actions. What she should have said to her daughter was, "you're not a bad person, but you made a bad choice. Let's have a discussion about what a better choice would have been and how you can make it th next time you are in this situation."
I don't have kids (and if you judge my child rearing ability on my incredibly naughty bulldogs, the outlook for my future offspring is bleak), but I kinda think I'm going to rock at it because I've had years of practice on other people's kids. Until then, I will continue to judge the parents of the kids with whom I work. It seems like a fair trade off since they will most likely be yelling at me as I judge.
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