Brilliant Idea

I need to stop having brilliant ideas. Because usually "brilliant" can be substituted for expensive, painful and/or way more complicated than I realize.

The last brilliant idea I had was to become a CPR instructor so that I could train my staff at the beginning of each summer. Efficient, convenient, and cost saving. I am the smartest Camp Director alive. Which brought me to my latest plan- become a lifeguard instructor. It costs between $250-$350 to certify someone to be a lifeguard. Each summer, we pay for 3-6 staff to be trained. In addition to being a reoccurring expense, it is always a huge pain to find classes and get everything scheduled. So if I could train them, it would save money, I could train a big group on my own schedule and in the end, have lots of lifeguards. Brilliant.

You don't even have to be a certified lifeguard to become an instructor. You just have to be able to pass the lifeguard test, which I was assured by several people is relatively easy. You have to swim 300 yards, do a few other things, pass a written test and then you can go on to the instructor course. I have ample time, and it is a simple enough thing to do- BRILLIANT PLAN.

Which brings us to today. I decided it would be a good idea to get in the pool and see where I'm at with swimming. I figured I could swim a few days a week for the next few weeks and then I'd be ready to move on to the other lifeguard stuff.

I asked the lifeguard how far you have to swim for the test. 300 yards. Quick math in my head... that's only 15 laps in the pool. And it was a small pool. The two elderly women who were swimming were cruising back and forth. No problem.

Swimming is not like riding a bike. It does not come back to you if you haven't done it in a while. Running three miles a day might mean that you have a basic level of physical fitness, but it doesn't mean you can swim. Goggles and a swim cap make you look like you know what you are doing, but flailing around makes you look like an idiot that can’t swim.

So, it turns out, I can't swim. My arms and legs didn't move at the same time. I didn't know when to breathe and when to put my head under water, so I tried not breathing at all (fail) and then swam with my head above water (goggles on top of my head instead of on my face). I don't know if it was more agonizing to do or to watch, but the lifeguard had the distinct look on her face that said, "oh jeez! I'm going to have to jump in and save her at some point."

After 2 laps, the lifeguard interrupted me, saying, "I don't want to bother you, but..." She gave me some very helpful tips about breathing and kicking and encouraged me each time I tried one of her suggestions. It was helpful. I made it through 15 laps. I did not look like Michael Phelps, but I also didn't have to be rescued, so I'm calling it a success. After that, I switched to using a kick board so I could practice "kicking from my hips" which I couldn't seem to make my body do, but I spent 45 minutes making funny faces while concentrating deeply while attempting.

I think months of practice will eventually get me swimming kick board free. And after that, I can work on 300 yards of continuous swimming. This is going to be a long road of thrashing around, embarrassing myself and attempting to avoid drowning. Brilliant idea...