Love and Frustration

I have never before in my life been as absolutely in love and yet, wanted to strangle something as much as I do this puppy. She is sweet and innocent and every time I look at her, my heart melts. But she frustrates me so much sometimes I have to hold my breath so that I don't scream out loud.

I'm trying to be patient. She is 9 weeks old, a tiny baby that knows nothing. She doesn't even know her own name yet. It's not fair to get mad at a helpless little infant.

But between the biting and the potty training, I am at my patience limit and I don't know where I will find more. I've read the books, googled, talked to the vet and the breeder. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, but she bites, a lot, all the time. Not only does it hurt, and make me mad, I'm stressed out because I feel like I'm a bad dog owner because I'm raising a future psychopath that will maim an innocent child when she gets bigger. Equally as maddening as the biting is the potty training. It started out so well. She always goes to the bathroom when I take her outside and so I take her out constantly. And we're still doing that, but a few days ago, she developed a bladder infection and so she has been having accidents. (Which, on a side note, I diagnosed because I am an awesome puppy mom with great instincts and then the vet confirmed my suspicion despite telling me not to bother coming in because it was probably nothing).

How can I get mad at a helpless baby that's sick? I know, I'm the worst person alive. But tonight, I took her outside, she went potty. We came inside, and she immediately peed on the couch. So I took her back outside, she went potty. I brought her back inside, took the cushion off the couch and cleaned it and put it aside to dry. 10 minutes later, she peed on another cushion! She rarely has accidents, and never on the furniture. I didn't know if I should laugh or burst into tears. I decided that since the couch only had one dry cushion, and I was sitting on it, that she should be done with the couch. I put her in her bed in the kitchen and gave us a little break from each other.

When I came upstairs an hour later, she looked so sad and innocent and I felt like the most awful puppy mom. So we went to the living room to play. And despite doing everything like the book says, she bit me, hard, in the face. At which point I literally clenched my fists to avoid picking her up to kill her. Rage. I went into the other room and burst into tears. And as I was sitting on the floor crying, I could hear her crying because she's a baby and still doesn't really know her way around the house and she didn't know where I went. And when she found me, she crawled into my lap and put her head on my chest and then licked my cheeks. Pure love.

I take it personally every time she bites and every time she pees inside, despite the fact that I know she is a little baby that doesn't know any better. So now I don't know what to do. Right now I'm holding a 12 pounds loaf of skin and teeth that has the hiccups for the fourth time today and is having a difficult time keeping her eyes open, but is giving it her best attempt because she loves to bite at the mouse whenever I work at the computer. I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

8 Classes Later

Pottery is finished and I could practically serve an army of elves with my end result. Definitely worth all of the hard work!

Fight

So.

Angry.

I.CAN'T.BREATHE.

Next year I am budgeting in anger management and therapy costs into our expenses, because I am literally on the verge of violence.

I can hardly even type this because I am so outraged I am seeing white with rage.

The Boss is back. He is like a virus that you can't cure. A plague, an annoying faulty wire in your car that you can't find but keeps malfunctioning. He is persistent and we can't get rid of him. And I'm trying to be the bigger person and just take things as they come. But he is the most awful human being on the planet and he has a way of getting under my skin.

Just to remind you, this is a struggling camp that, up until he was fired from, he had been hired to help save. He knows our budget is negative numbers. And yet, he has already fought for every last penny he could squeeze out of us. He has argued over the year balance for his pension, mileage, etc. Dude, you stole a bunch of money and got fired, just tuck your tail between your legs and GO AWAY.

No.

So yesterday I received an email with a list of items that he had left at camp. A guitar, some CDs, etc. Included on the list were prices (vastly over inflated prices by the way) and a message saying that since we couldn't seem to find the items, he would like a check sent. $1200 worth of stuff.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?

This is a man who routinely collected both reimbursement for gas AND mileage, paid for swimsuits and sandals for him and his children, and SO many other things I can't continue or I will literally have to punch this computer. He is demanding $30 for the charger for his blackberry. CAMP PAID $270 FOR THAT BLACKBERRY. I am so filled with rage over this, I feel like my head is going to explode. How dare he?!

I emailed the Board President as calmly as I could, but he called me right away and asked how many cups of coffee I'd had that morning, so perhaps I wasn't as cool as I could have been. He was cool. He calmly explained that we wouldn't be paying for the items and to try to look for them at camp again. I know where some of them are, and I have been mentally imagining myself smashing them with a hammer and bringing him a bag full of debris over and over. Truthfully, I'd like to smash his fat face with a hammer. This guy is the scum of the earth and he won't go away.

HE STOLE FROM US, and now he is back to demand more.

No.

The Board should have demanded the THOUSANDS of dollars he cost this camp, but they didn't, and now he's back like a parasite.

But I've got a plan.

If he wants a fight, he's going to get a fight.

Camp Dog

Olivia's second day at the office and she is working hard as the Camp Dog. In between power naps, she enjoys sitting on my lap, resting her head on my wrist as I type and as gently and innocently as she can, lifting post-it notes off my desk. She also enjoys playing with her toys that are spread around my office, going outside to play in the yard and, as of today, leaving my office to go into other offices and visit people. She gets cuter and more outgoing by the day.

Sleeping With Puppy

I have been a puppy mom for a little over 48 hours now. It's going well. Puppy is adjusting. She is only 7 1/2 weeks, which is VERY young for a puppy, so she pretty much eats, sleeps, goes to the bathroom and cries. Her cry is more of a squeal/yelp/howl, which sounds like she is being tortured. She made that awful noise the entire 45 minute car ride home, and pretty much the first 2 hours she was at home. But gradually, she adjusted to her puppy bed, and then the kitchen, dining room, living room, downstairs, upstairs, etc. It was a long day of introducing her to new rooms, letting her nap, feeding her, taking her outside and then repeating the process. But now she is pretty well adjusted to my house, my roommates and to me, so she is crying less.

Her kennel is in my bedroom because I didn't want her to be afraid, and the books said that if you can talk to the puppy, she will calm down and go to sleep. On Sunday night, I put her in her kennel and she fell right to sleep. She woke up around midnight and I took her outside, but then she slept until 6:30. Dog owning= easy.

Wrong.

Monday night, I put her in her kennel, got into bed and then spent the next 20 minutes listening to her squeal. Talking to her didn't help, ignoring her didn't help. It was awful. The following video is of her making the most awful noise around. I can't seem to get it to flip upright, but the noise is the most important part anyway.



After 20 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore. She is a tiny little baby and so I decided to bring her into my bed and calm her down, and then put her in her kennel when she fell asleep. Sleeping in my bed isn't a good option because I was afraid she would pee, or fall off the bed or that I would squish her in the middle of the night. But as soon as I laid down with her, she lunged at my neck, wrapping all 8 pounds of her around me, sighing deeply and then immediately passing out.

And so that's how we slept. Her little head next to my ear, snoring loudly for such a little creature, and me doing my best to sleep with my new neck warmer. But she didn't pee, fall out of bed, I didn't squish her and she didn't cry. We'll see how tomorrow goes.

Puppy

In just 2 days, I will be the proud puppy mother to a 7 week old bouncing baby bulldog. I am very excited. I am having some guilt issues over getting a purebred dog from a breeder, rather than rescuing a dog from the humane society, but I really want a bulldog, I have for a really long time. So breeder it is.

I met the breeder 7 weeks ago when the puppies were a week old. I knew she was the one immediately. She was the size of a hamster and couldn't hear, see or even move very much the first time I saw her. I was scared to even touch her. Since then, I have visited weekly and it has been really fun to see her grow and develop into a puppy with a personality.

Yesterday I went to 2 different stores to stock up on supplies. I bought a dog bed, food and water bowls, a leash and collar, grooming supplies, floor cleaner, treats, and food. It was very overwhelming because there are a million brands and different options for everything you need. But I think I got everything I wanted, so I'm ready.

And here's an interesting fact that I learned: dog toothpaste comes in two flavors- chicken and beef, and the beef flavored is ten cents more expensive than the chicken. I decided the extra ten cents must mean it's better, so I went with the beef.

And now I just have to wait until Sunday to bring her home! So much excitement!!

Support

Why do people blog? It's kind of a weird thing to do. I have kept a journal for years and years, all of my private thoughts and venting and secrets. I like to write because it helps me process through things, but the idea of a blog is strange because it assumes that there is someone out there who is actually interested in all of that dribble that I let tumble out of my head, onto paper. This summer, I was SO unbelievably busy I didn't have time to write in my journal or keep in touch with my family and friends, so I started a blog to keep in touch. I could type in short bursts, whenever I had a calm moment in between craziness and eventually would write out everything that was going on.

Secretly I imagine myself as fabulous and interesting as Carrie Bradshaw and that my fans are hanging off my every word. In reality, I know that my "fans" are my mom and my best friend X, and most of the time, they have already heard me rant and rave about whatever it is that I write about. But a girl can dream, right. And so I blog. I blog, and I imagine greatness.

But it turns out I have readers (thanks by the way!). I've had a few tough days at camp these last couple of weeks and all of the frustration, anger, and worry came out as I typed about the challenges. And a funny thing happened. People responded. I received emails from several people that I didn't even know read my blog. They offered advice and suggested ideas for me to try, and they also provided me with encouragement and kind words. They let me know that I'm not alone in this, and reminded me that what I'm doing matters. It was extremely meaningful to me and I can't even begin to express my gratitude. I used to work for a large organization, with many co-workers in many departments and at other locations. I am definitely a person who enjoys working as a team and takes strength and encouragement from those around me. I still haven't completely adjusted to my empty office, so it was nice to have some response.

And last week was outstanding. Many of the projects I'd been working on finally came together and I met with the Board President and VP and they were so supportive and excited about my work. I was busy and successful and I feel re-energized and excited to start new projects and move forward, closer to the summer every day.

More Mail Merge

3 weeks after the initial conversation where the Board President insisted that the annual campaign letters be personalized (so instead of saying, "Dear Friends of Camp" it says "Dear John Smith"), and we had to scrap 2 weeks worth of planning and work to find a printing company to accommodate our needs as well as our budget, we have a resolution. Board President called a friend of a friend who owns a printing company and could cut us a deal. This morning, I got the estimate. To have the letters mail merged added $900 onto the price (which makes me think I'm totally in the wrong business, because that seems EXCESSIVE, but everything these days seems expensive, so that's just that).

I called Mr. President himself to say, "dude, no way" (er, well something like that) and he replied with, "Yeah, let's just do them as "Dear Friend of Camp". At which point it was like a scene from a movie where everything rewinds really quickly and you see a flashback of three weeks ago, and I slammed my palm against my forehead, gritted my teeth and told him, "okay, no problem" even though what I really meant was, "I TOLD YOU THAT THREE WEEKS AGO!! AM I INVISIBLE OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO GIVE ME A STROKE?!?!?"

So now the letters are being printed and life can move forward and the mail merge drama is over. Life is good.

Overwhelmed

This is a hard job, but most of the time, I feel that every ounce of effort is worth it because I so deeply believe in this camp. I know that it is a diamond in the rough and that in 10 years, I will think back to this time and laugh, and be swollen with pride when I look at the growth and improvements.

But right now, we are a run down, poorly performing, crap hole camp that has a long history of bad directors (sometimes corrupt, sometimes just incompetent, sometimes BOTH). Enrollment is 1/3 of what it should be, the budget is a very painful example of what it means to be failing, buildings are collapsing, and every time I turn around, I find something else that has been mishandled in the past (re: paying thousands of dollars per month on insurance for vehicles we don't own, poor record keeping, inaccurate budget, I could go on...).

Where does one even begin the journey to fixing this mess? Well, when you're an idealistic 26 year old with little experience but an unwavering belief in what you're doing, you start with love and devotion, combine that with hope for the future and faith in what you are doing. And you believe, deeply, passionately, unwaveringly, believe in what you are doing. And you let that energy propel you through all of the roadblocks and challenges. And then you make a "to do" list with a million things on it, you call and email every single smart person you can think of to have coffee, lunch or just a short conversation with, and you do your best to learn. And you humbly admit that you don't know what you are doing and are open to EVERY bit of advice people offer.

In the past few weeks, I have done all that. I have worked so hard and in between working, I have made contact with 3 past camp directors (the good ones), parents, community members, priests, directors of other camps, and a variety of other people who are willing to talk to me. My head is filled and swimming in information and ideas. It's exciting.

Kinda.

It's also kinda frustrating and overwhelming.

The more I learn, the more I realize just what sort of mess I'm sitting on and just how enormous this mountain I'm trying to climb actually is. It's so much bigger and more difficult than I ever expected and sometimes I am afraid. I don't know if I can do this. I am still feeling defeated and unsure of what to do after my conversation with Sister, and I can't seem to shake it off and move forward. I just feel like, "what's the point?" If I can't do anything for kids that need help, if I can't fix problems that we have with operations, if everything I do is dictated by who has the most money, than what exactly can I do? I'm still being held accountable for everything, but I'm not actually allowed to do what I think needs to be done.

I don't think love and devotion are enough to help this camp. I don't think hope or even faith is doing much. My unwavering belief in the potential is, well, wavering. And I don't know how to make any of it better. I'm too young and too inexperienced to be doing this alone. It's not fun or rewarding or easy. It's just really draining and exhausting, and I'm exhausted. I need guidance and support. I need encouragement and for something positive to happen.