Cell Phone

I am not the type of person to rush out and get the latest technology. My computer is old (I bought it used, so it was old when I bought it) and my cell phone is as basic as I could find. When I bought it 3 years ago, I tried to find the most heavy-duty looking with the least features. I don't need my phone to take pictures, go online or download music. I need it to be able to bounce when it hits the ground.

Despite teasing from everyone who sees it, I had no intention of replacing my phone until I absolutely needed to. Which brings us to Friday... I walked into the bathroom, phone in the pocket of my sweatshirt, and just as I got near the toilet, my phone literally dove out of my pocket, landing in the bottom of the bowl. Heavy duty-yes, water proof- not likely.

I fished it out, dried it off and immediately put it in a bag of rice, which is what I've read you are supposed to do to take out the moisture. An hour later, it turned on and I was back to texting and talking like normal. But then it froze and wouldn't turn on and shortly there after, the screen went blank. I was pretty sure I was going to need a new phone.

Eventually it got to the point that I could both receive and make phone calls, but without the screen, I couldn't use my contact list.

My brother and I went to the cell phone store this afternoon. We had already researched phones and I knew what I wanted. The salesman was thrilled because I was the easiest customer of the day. As he was pulling up my account and getting out the paperwork, D-Train thought he was being funny and said, "I'll fix your phone" and then threw it on the ground attempting to break it. Except that when he picked it up, the screen was back! The colors were wrong, but otherwise, the phone was fine.

The salesman looked equally shocked and amused, and his shoulders fell as he saw his easy sale go away in the blink of an eye. I really wanted to walk out of the store and keep my old phone, but I was worried that after all it had been though, it wouldn't work reliably and I would have to go back to the cell phone store the next day. So I bought a new phone. And the salesman told me he wished he had more customers as amusing as me. I'm not excited to figure out everything on my new phone, but it's orange, and shiny, so maybe I will get used to it...

Monster

My puppy is a monster, a MONSTER. She's awful. I don't know what to do with her. I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

She's always been high maintenance, demanding, stubborn and so so needy. It's my fault. When I took her home at 7 weeks, I took the week off and spent every waking moment with her. After that, she came to work with me every day, sat on my lap all day, and had nonstop attention from me and the people in my office. So it makes sense that she's like this.

When I don't give her the attention she wants, she screeches, howls, and bites. She's not mean or vicious, but she's got a strong jaw and when she bites, it's powerful.

I walk her, I play with her, she has toys. But it's not enough. She continues to freak out.

Now she bites the crush too. When he comes over, she bites his feet. When we hang out, she jumps at us and tries to attack. It's my fault for not being the dominant one, for not having control of her.

She's been to puppy classes and I had a private trainer come to my house to give me advice. But I can't seem to fix it. So now I feel guilt for being a terrible pet owner and for not giving her enough attention and for making her be like this.

I'm so frustrated.

I want to shake her.

I am going to scream and cry and lose my mind.

The Journey

Six years ago, I reluctantly graduated college. I had a liberal arts degree, which meant I was well rounded but didn't have any specific direction. I had always been a great student, a great kid, a leader and was comfortable doing exactly what was expected. So without any clear expectations of what I was supposed to do next, I pretty much spent my senior year paralyzed in anxiety and dread.

The day after I graduated college, I met a guy (E). We spent every day for the next several months completely inseparable, fell in love, got engaged, and just like that, I had a life plan. I was going to be a wife. We were going to buy a house and I was going to pick out drapes and do wife-like things. My new life plan was TOTALLY out of character, but looking back, I think it was all about the timing. It's a scary, unclear time of life. Having a plan, even a really bad one, gave me security. I had a direction and a focus. It didn't necessarily matter what it was.

I hadn't dated in high school and only dated casually in college. I was independent, focused, had my own interests and goals and had never expressed any interest in "settling down" before. My family and friends were shaking their heads in concern and confusion. Later I learned that they all wanted to shake me and tell me to just go back to being myself. I'm sure it was a frustrating thing to watch someone do, but I wasn't interested in listening, so they were as supportive as they could be, waiting for me to snap back to reality.

Four years ago, E and I broke up and I was crushed. By the end, we had a terrible relationship and so part of me was incredibly relieved. But my entire post-graduation life had been based on that relationship. So when it went away, so did my daily life, my future plans and my identity.

After E, I dated "A" for about a month. He was a good guy to rebound with because we'd been friends forever and he had just broken up with his long term girlfriend. He taught me a lot of important lessons in a short time. After "A", I dated "B". He was one of the most obnoxious people I had ever met, but he gave me attention and he was there. When we broke up, everyone I knew said, "what were you thinking with him?" and I felt the same way. Was I so pathetic and desperate to not be alone that I would lower myself to that guy?!? I was disgusted with myself, embarrassed by my choices and overall just unhappy.

That was when I went on "dating sabbatical". I decided to take a year off from dating and focus on myself. Dating was too much of a distraction and I was making poor decisions simply to keep myself busy. Dating sabbatical was scary at first. I was lonely and had a lot of open time to think. The superficial validation that fueled my self esteem was gone and I felt lost.

Over the course of that year, I got really focused. I went to therapy a lot. I worked hard at my office, then switched jobs, landing my dream career. I bought a house. I went to Iceland and Costa Rica. I hung out with my family and friends. And most importantly, I made friends with myself. I had been really critical of myself, and in therapy, I learned to talk to myself like I would a kid- with patience, kindness and encouragement. That seemed really corny, but when I started being nice to myself, my self confidence increased and I was happy, really truly happy.

At the end of the year long sabbatical, I looked around at my new life, my new self image and realized that without the distraction of dating, I was amazingly productive. I stopped calling it "dating sabbatical" but I wasn't interested in going back to dating yet. I was pretty sure that with enough time, I could probably rule the world, so why distract myself with guys when I was just getting started.

Somewhere between then and now, everyone in my age group got married and meeting single guys became more of a challenge. I went on several first dates, but they were boring and I my life was awesome, so I didn't have any desire to make an effort at dating, I was too busy having fun on my own. If I had been lonely or sad, maybe I would have been more motivated to go out. But I was comfortable on my own. I wasn't feeling incomplete or not good enough because I was single. I felt strong, empowered and my relationship with myself was incredibly fulfilling.

I'm not going to lie- there have been times that I worried I would never meet anyone and my life would go by and I would find myself as a lonely old woman filled with regret. I've had many conversations with my girlfriends asking, "where are all of the good single guys??! There has to be a few left!?!" But mostly, I've made peace with the idea that if I am meant to meet someone, he would show up eventually and it wasn't necessary to worry or waste my precious time on mediocre guys in the meantime.

So it's been four years since I've dated. It's been a busy, productive, life changing, growth filled four years, and I am an entirely different person than the last time I had a relationship. Happy being single but also ready to share my life with someone.

Cue to the crush.

Fall/Winter

I was volunteering for my friend N's youth program and he was also a volunteer. "This is my last single friend..." was what N said to me before I was going to meet him. "Thanks anyway. I'm just here for the kids, I'm not looking for a guy" was my response.

Except that he was really cute... and nice... and funny... and had a great smile. I had a strong desire to kiss him pretty much the first time we met.

And then we spent four days volunteering and every time I saw him, my stomach did the tango. When I tried to be cynical, negative or pretend like I wasn't interested, I just couldn't be. Something about him made everything really sunshiny and sparkly. Rainbows-and-dancing-with-butterflies-in-a-field-of-flowers kinda feelings.

I did not see that coming.

A crush. It's been a long time since I had a crush. Actually, if I'm being honest, I was slightly concerned that something was wrong with me and I had lost the ability to have a crush because it had been so long. And then I got nervous because it's been a long time since I dated and I was afraid I wasn't going to remember what to do. Also, "I haven't dated in four years" sounds a lot like, "warning- something is really wrong with me" so I was really nervous about him finding that out about me.

Most people my age have had four years more dating practice than I have. The last time I actually dated someone I liked was 6 years ago. 6 YEARS. I was 21. Dating at 21 is MUCH different than dating at 27. I have spent the last four years finding myself, loving myself, becoming a well adjusted, stable person. I have inner peace and feel balanced and I'm successful and happy, but none of that included dating. I don't know how to dress to impress, where the cool "going out" places are, what to say, what to do. Adding to that, in earlier conversations with the crush, he let me know I wasn't like the previous girls he had dated. He usually dated prissy, made up girls.

Awesome....

My clothes fall into 5 categories- 1. stuff I got from the camp store, 2. fleece/sweatpant/ultra causal jeans and tee shirts, 3. painfully un-trendy (read- vests, old long sleeve shirts I stole from my brother, tie dye, etc.), 4. hand-me-downs from my much trendier best friend (X), 5. other (as in, clothes I have had since college, clothes X has picked out, dress clothes from before I worked at camp).

If he was expecting hair product, make-up, heals, or anything that's been featured in a magazine recently, he was going to be really disappointed.

In the last four years, I don't remember being as much of a basket case as I was before out first date. "I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna puke on him. I'm gonna puke and then die. I'm gonna pass out. I can't breathe. I don't have anything to wear. I'm not going..." it took long, painful phone calls to my four closest friends and there may have been some physical pushing by my roommates actually to get me out the door and into my car.

The first date was fun and much easier (ie less traumatically embarrassing vomit-filled) than I'd expected. We are opposite in many ways, but had so many things in common, I was actually concerned that he was going to think I was lying every time I said, "yes, me too." And despite my pre-date anxiety, something hit me the moment I walked into the restaurant to meet him and I decided that I was just going to be 100% myself. 4 years of loving myself wasn't going out the door because I wanted to fit into an image that would make him like me. No guy is worth that, even such a very attractive one. Even if it meant just one date, he was going to get genuine, honest, loud, goofy, nerdy, me, and he could take it or leave it.

21 year old dating is a game. When you don't know yourself, dating involves a lot of acting, saying the "right" thing, portraying the perfect image. I don't know if I would have eventually grown out of that if I had been dating these last few years or if I would still be playing a part. But taking away the need for approval has stripped away any desire to be anything other than myself. I don't need a guy in my life to be happy. I'm not looking for a husband, nor desperate to avoid being alone. If a guy is going to be in my life, it's because I like him and he likes me back and spending time together is enjoyable. No expectations, or intentions or creating goals based on the relationship. And no holding back because I'm afraid of rejection. No what-ifs, no drama, no saying one thing but meaning another.

Just be.

Live. Experience. Learn. Have fun. Be straightforward, and say what you mean. And with that see where life takes you. It's an adventure, a journey. Cliche? Maybe. But who doesn't enjoy an adventure?

Standard-with-every-outfit green shoes. Check.
4 years of self reflection. Check.
Gum. Check.
Clarity and balance. Check
Lip gloss. Check.
Self confidence. Check.

Ready for the journey... I couldn't be more prepared for whatever is to come...

One Week Later...

A week ago Wednesday, I was trying not to be nervous for my first date with the crush.

Following that date, we saw each other Friday, Sunday, Tuesday and will also be seeing each other tonight.

I'm trying to think of a cute/funny/interesting story to blog about him, but the only thing I can come up with is,

Dear Diary,
XOXOXOXO
hearts hearts hearts
smitten

So I guess I'll just leave it at that.

Good girls never kiss and tell anyway.

Camp Love

I've been out with the crush a few times now and as we get to know each other, I've been talking a lot about camp. Talking about it and attempting to explain it has been a good way to reflect on the importance and just how much it means to me. It's not just my job, it's who I am.


When I boldly and (over)confidently convinced the Board of Directors to promote me to Executive Director, I knew that I was an inexperienced 26 year old being given complete responsibility to run a failing camp. I knew how much work it was going to be, I knew it would be an uphill battle and that I would, repeatedly want to scream, cry and pull my hair out. But I knew the magic that was going on at camp. I've heard the kids, parents and my staff talk about their lives being touched. And I wanted to be part of something meaningful. I wanted my life to mean something.

I went into this challenge believing that if I just loved camp enough, poured enough of my heart and soul, energy, hard work and organizational skills into it, I could save camp and make it successful. I still believe that, although I realize now that change takes time. I think being so personally invested makes being patient difficult, but I know that the level of passion and energy that so many camp people (including myself) feel cannot be ignored by the universe forever. I'm happy to have something I feel so much passion for and that has become such a part of me.


I have been talking about camp these past few days to someone who hasn't seen it, hasn't felt the power. I like him a lot and I want him to like me back just as much. I feel strongly that for him to really know me, he has to understand the significance. Most people have jobs- I have a lifestyle. My life is "camp" and "waiting for camp" and when I'm waiting for camp, I ache for it. I dream about it. I long for it, dream about it. I don't know if that's healthy or normal, but camp is my truest love.

Hairflip, Giggle, Giggle, Swoon

I have a crush on a boy.

Just when I was getting comfortable with the idea of being a crazy dog lady spinster, this very cute, charming boy showed up and is totally throwing me for a loop. I've been on a handful of first dates in the last few months, but it has been a VERY long time since I had a real crush.

Last night we went out. Beforehand, I felt like a 15 year old on the phone with my four closest girlfriends, alternating between excitement and dizzy nervousness. The crush and I have already spent four days volunteering at a conference for kids where we spent hours and hours a day talking and getting to know each other. I shouldn't have been nervous, but he's just so cute. And nice. And I genuinely enjoy talking to him. And... I could go on. And on.... My cynical, blackened grinch heart is all mushy and growing ten times its size and there are hearts in my eyes. I have a very strong urge to buy new lip gloss and read Cosmo magazine.

I did not see this coming.

Last night, as I was heading into the restaurant to meet him, an older man (he was at least 70 years old) asked me if I was there for the rotary club meeting and talked to me about it as we walked. He was funny and nice and a great distraction since I was worrying I was going to pass out with nervousness. By the time we got into the restaurant, he was asking me for my name and information to put on the mailing list and I was laughing.

Crush boy was already there and gave me the most amused/quizzical look when I walked in with my new friend. It was a great way to break the ice and avoid any first few minutes of awkwardness. As we walked, the man had given me a "fun meter" button. It had an adjustable dial to indicate the level of fun you are having. I put it in the middle of the table and the waitress made sure we updated it as the night went on. It was cute and it made me laugh.

Today I am planning to forget about being an Executive Director, adult, heartless cynic, fiercely independent single woman and instead, dig out my old Trapper Keeper and write his initials in hearts all day. Yay for crushes.

Small Camp

We average about 75 campers per week of the summer. We have the space to double and I am optimistic about the future when we do increase in size. Being such a small camp has it's benefits though.

Yesterday I got a call from Grandma G. I knew it was her the minute she said hello. Grandma G is the grandmother of one of our repeat campers. She has a very gravelly smoky voice and she sounds like she is 90 years old. Her son, the camper's dad has been in and out of prison, working on and off and Grandma G is the one who has been sending Camper "A" to camp every year.

I think Grandma G is the first person I helped when I first started at camp. She is super religious and kept blessing me and calling me honey. There was just something about her that I liked and connected with and every time she has called since then, I have enjoyed talking with her.

This year, "A" is old enough to be part of the teen programs. Grandma G called for information on the volunteer crew, but as I started to tell her about the leaders program, she was excited about that too. As our conversation continued, she started to get confused and finally stopped me and asked if there was any way I could write it down and send it to her in the mail (she doesn't use the internet).

I spent some time organizing some materials, writing simple but specific instructions, highlighted and as easy to follow as I could make it. While I was doing it, I realized that I was lucky to be able to work at a small camp where I can have relationships with families and help them have the opportunity to send their kids to camp. Reason 7 million why I love this job.